Splash29

Its soooo painful! I feel like he led a double life. A life with me and then a second life drunk behind my back. I think I made the right decision, but I feel so heartbroken. My brain is already trying to rationalize it that maybe he wasn't so bad, but he was shaking so bad after only not drinking for 24 hrs.

I am lucky. And I am lucky my family helped me pack up and move before he left rehab. Thank you guys you really supported me you have no idea how many of my friends in real life told me to stay. But being 3 years sober myself I knew it had to be done.

alcoholics wife

I get it, it is sooo painful. A break up is the same pain as grieving a lost loved one. But know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Our instinct is to want to immediately take the pain away and our minds will try to rationalize. It's helpful to write down all the pros and cons and re-read it to yourself often. Our minds will do some crazy things to try to rationalize to make the pain go away. We minimize the issues with the alcoholic, we think of the "good times", we start believing that next time could actually be different.... But this is all an illusion caused by the illogical, hurt mind. You truly know the future if you take the road with this alcoholic man. Stick to your guns.

Friends don't know the whole story of living with an active alcoholic! Nor do you know what actually goes on in your friend's heads. Some people secretly want their friends to have failing relationships so that they feel better about themselves. That doesn't matter. What matters is YOU. What is Best for YOU. What will make YOU a better and happier person. Life is short. You have the ability now to choose the life you want to lead.

Splash29

Just told him I moved out. He said I'm abodoning him so we never would have worked out. It just felt like a cold thing to say. He knows my history!

CodeJob

Hello Sulfuric,

I think moving out was a wise decision.

I had quite a case of fear of abandonment that as I worked the steps and had a counselor, was able to see that impacted me for decades.

But I started with Codependent No More. I read it. Then I immediately read it again. Her daily reader is right here on SR and posted by HoneyPig. I had my own copy and I'd read it every morning. I carried it in my briefcase and if the day was going awry, I'd read some more.

I made the commitment to straighten my head out. It changed everything.

Peace and strength.

HopingForCure

His sister told me the same thing.. That I abandoned her brother. I should have stayed and fought. I tried explaining that if he was just a heavy drinker, i probably would have been able to influence him. He is an addict and there is nothing I can do to control that.

caretaker88

I was told the same thing, and then someone told me that you can't "abandon" a fully capable adult.

firebolt

Of course he did. The alternative would be to take responsibility for himself...and he can't do that.

You are doing the right thing - take care of yourself!

alcoholics wife

Is codependents are desperate for a "normal" relationship but a relationship with an addict with never be normal. There will always be constant anxiety. We want to fit a square peg into a round hole. It ain't gunna happen

newbeginings16

These posts are amazing! You go lady! You could be in my shoes-36 with 3 kids and I wish I stayed gone. I let him move back in 3 times! Eventually I am not wishing I trusted my gut from the beginning. I was told the same, I abandoned him and I was non supportive and never gave him the chances he deserved. I have to look out for myself and my kids. Financially, it got worse each time I went back and I have exhausted extra funds to help myself so I am heading to a DV shelter this week. I caution you that I read he punches his fist into the wall. Alcohol and drugs do not cause Violence or loss of control. They are separate issues. you are very wise to stay safe and stay gone. I agree it sucks to be alone but the alternative is a life of utter destruction! Hugs hugs hugs....

Splash29

Thank you for saying that. I was really doubting myself today. Me and my XABF were best friends, could tell eachother anything, we went on vacation together, lived together for a year. And I was thinking maybe I made a mistake moving out? Like maybe hes just going through a rough time in his life and I made an impulsive decision?

But I can't deny his alcohol abuse the past two months (that gradually progressed over past six months). You walk into our apartment and it just smelled of rum. Anytime I was out of the house during the day time and he was home, he he drank. He drank at night and played video games. He kept sleeping on the couch, because he "had to work late", but eventually I knew that was code for he was drunk.

The sad part is I don't think he is ready to give it up. Hes not taking his rehab seriously by leaving early. He already admitted to me that he thought he could start having 1 or 2 drinks.

Whats worse is his family had no idea he even drank because he did it so secretly. So when he leaves rehab who knows what story he is going to tell everyone about me. He may just tell everyone I am the crazy one! That he has no problems at all.

I think I'm just doubting myself, because I loved the man he pretended to be. He bought me my dream engagement ring, but then just gave it to me while he was drunk and he said, "Here do what you want with it" Something I looked forward to my whole life (getting engaged and married) just completely ruined.

Maybe I'm just meant to be single. I'm 32 and I think I am going to be single for AT LEAST a year. I'd don't think I've ever been single for an entire year.

alcoholics wife

Codependents are terrified of being alone and so it's no surprise that you haven't been single for an entire year. So even if you break up with this relationship, if you don't work on yourself before jumping into another relationship...the odds of you being happy in a new relationship is slim to none.

Ap052183

I'm 33. I left my alcoholic ex over a year ago. It sucked terribly. I can't even lie, I still have bad days, but they are far fewer now. Alcoholism and codependency are soooo powerful. Everything you are describing is classic alcoholism and classic codependency. We've all experienced it. He is going to keep you on this insanity roller coaster as long as you let him. No contact!!!!#