Hayfmr

Been separated from the AW for over 2 weeks. My lawyer has started the paperwork but its not ready yet. Trying to decide how to tell her whats happening. Currently she is in detox and feeling lots of remorse for what she has done. When she is actively drinking she is very defiant. My goal is to make the settlement go as smooth as possible. So making her mad is not in my best interest.

Did you tell them yourself?
Did you just have papers served on them?
Or some other way?
Would you do it the same way again or differently?

sauerkraut

My STBXAH and I talked it over and went through the "this time I'm really getting sober" dance a few times before I told him I was done. Then we discussed trying to have an "amicable divorce" and work together to make things as smooth and inexpensive as possible. We did the paperwork together, in a mediator's office.

I would recommend keeping the emphasis on the positive, for example letting her know what you say above about wanting to make the settlement go as smooth as possible.

LexieCat

What is the plan for her after detox? If she's going to rehab, or into treatment, I'd let her counselor/therapist in on it first, and either inform her, in person, while at a joint counseling session, or tell her on the phone while she is still at rehab. That way, they can help her process the news and help her plan for alternative living arrangements when she gets out.

And I agree with sauerkraut, you can be as positive as you can, assuring her that you really hope she takes this chance to heal and mend her relationship with the kids, and that for everyone's sake you plan to be as kind and fair to her as you can. But you also don't want to send mixed messages, so be sure you emphasize that there is too much water under the bridge for you to have any interest in reconciling.

My first husband has been sober for 14 years or so when I left him, and he still momentarily flipped out over the news and went into a bit of a depression (for which he got counseling, as well as leaning on his AA friends), and today we are still very good friends--I stay with him and his wife when I visit my (now adult) kids. When we finally did divorce (after an initial separation), we did it cooperatively and worked out all the details ourselves, splitting the cost of our respective lawyers (who just put into a document what we had agreed to).

My second husband had gone back to active drinking, and I had moved back across the country before I decided to file for divorce. He was thinking about moving to Africa (where his sister lived) and I didn't tell him in advance because I wanted to make SURE he was served before he could leave the country (he moved, but just to another state, a short time later).

hopeful4

I had told my X many times, even right before I kicked him out, that I wanted a divorce, that it was not working. It was always, "I will work on things, I will get better, I will prove it to you." And he never would. So, I kicked him out and let him know that I plan to move ahead with the divorce. I told him I will always care for him, that I want to successfully coparent with him, but that this was not working as a married couple.

He could not believe it. Even though I had said it over and over, he still was in awe that I would divorce him. And angry, and sad. He still has not gotten over it honestly, and he is remarried!

I hope detox is not all she is doing. I hope that she is somewhere that a counselor is available, and that is when I would tell her. Tell her so that she is in a safe place to go through those emotions.