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Am I settling?

Old 08-03-2016, 10:18 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I love the amount of self-awareness you're showing Liz and hope that I get there some day, though I'm pretty good with where I'm at now.

And, oh, Liz. Can I just say that this:

Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I know that I'd like to hear him say he loves me with a bit more sentiment than the falling asleep half awake, "love you."
sounds like you're the last thing he thinks about before he drifts off to sleep. That's kind of amazing / tugs-on-the-heartstrings.
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Old 08-03-2016, 11:17 AM
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Great thread Liz - and thanks to all the guys for participating, I've learned quite a bit from another POV.

FWIW - I don't think it sounds like you are settling Liz, it sounds more like settling IN to the New Normal, in some ways.

Like - adjusting your expectations to this relationship to include a partner that is more about actions than words. Also that it's okay for you to feel/express your love differently. Just because he isn't vocal or mushy about his love for you doesn't mean that you can't be that way yourself, when you are genuinely feeling that way & want to express it.

I think that you are doing great honestly!
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Old 08-03-2016, 03:03 PM
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Hangnbyathread......E-Gads!! the woman who commanded that space mission....! HOW did she do all that by emotion?





my apologies to Liz for this hijack into her thread...but, it sort of pertains to the discussion at hand.
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Old 08-03-2016, 07:57 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Hangnbyathread......E-Gads!! the woman who commanded that space mission....! HOW did she do all that by emotion?
I worked with Eileen Collins. She was a well trained professional. As are many others.

Men can be trained as well.
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Old 08-04-2016, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
Great thread Liz - and thanks to all the guys for participating, I've learned quite a bit from another POV.

FWIW - I don't think it sounds like you are settling Liz, it sounds more like settling IN to the New Normal, in some ways.

Like - adjusting your expectations to this relationship to include a partner that is more about actions than words. Also that it's okay for you to feel/express your love differently. Just because he isn't vocal or mushy about his love for you doesn't mean that you can't be that way yourself, when you are genuinely feeling that way & want to express it.

I think that you are doing great honestly!
Yes, maybe that's part of it. I have to admit that I'm feeling a subconscious pull to step back, to pull away from him, and he noticed it last night and told me I've never been so quiet since he's met me. He didn't push me for a reason but I know he saw I was pensive.

I have this feeling that I'm just setting myself up to be brokenhearted again, and I'm just not ready for it yet. So, I'm feeling like I want to build that wall around my heart that was there for so long. I don't want to be robotic in a relationship ever again so this is something I obviously need to address within myself. He's done nothing wrong. He's been honest.

The man got up at 3 AM to get me tylenol (summer storms have made my sinuses a mess and I was feeling ill last night) and water. He was awake, as well, because he had his infusion for his RA yesterday and that makes him feel crappy too!
He brought me my tea while I was getting ready for work this AM. He thanked me for making dinner and for getting groceries last night. Actually, he used to thank me for just going on a date with him like, "Thanks for going out tonight. It was good to see you." He's pretty simple with his words, lol.

I am so grateful I get to share my recovery journey with you all. I have a lot of other issues going on in my life that need my attention. My son and his learning disabilities and my worries over how he'll function as an adult when he can't even remember which mailbox is ours (he has memory issues), my XAH who doesn't believe our son has issues and whom I had to take back to court 2 weeks ago, and my job and low paying salary and financial struggles. Life is not easy. I'm just doing the best I can each day and sometimes my best isn't good enough, in my eyes so I beat myself up a LOT! Thanks for all your support.
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Old 08-04-2016, 10:31 AM
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Deal is there are no guarantees. While rare, I have known people who were blindsided by the end of a relationship with zero clues or knowledge.

However, most of the time there are clues. You know when there are problems.

I don't see any here but your own insecurity. I wonder if he told you "I love you" several times a day if you wouldn't still question him. I think you may.

You cannot go through life with the assurances that no person will ever hurt you again. They will - it may not be him and I hope it is not, but it also may be him.

Your alternative is just to never be in a relationship again.

Or to know that there is always possibilities - but you will cross that bridge if it comes to it. Till then lay back and enjoy the ride!
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Old 08-04-2016, 10:58 AM
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So, so much love to you, Liz. My fella does a lot of thanking, too, and it took me a looooong time to just be able to respond with a sincere "you're welcome" instead of wondering what the ulterior motive was behind his nice words, or downplaying my own deeds with a self-depracating "for what?" response that was so common with my STBXAH.
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Old 08-04-2016, 11:09 AM
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IDK Liz, from all that you've shared I see him progressively letting you in closer - sharing a home & being so involved with his kids was a big step of trust & respect, IMO. (aside from all the other great "actions" he displays)

I'm wondering if it's no small coincidence that you are feeling that you are "setting yourself up for future heartbreak" following a trip back to court to battle with your Ex? PTSD being what it is, it bleeds over from the trigger into the rest of your life, right?

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Old 08-04-2016, 12:51 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
IDK Liz, from all that you've shared I see him progressively letting you in closer - sharing a home & being so involved with his kids was a big step of trust & respect, IMO. (aside from all the other great "actions" he displays)

I'm wondering if it's no small coincidence that you are feeling that you are "setting yourself up for future heartbreak" following a trip back to court to battle with your Ex? PTSD being what it is, it bleeds over from the trigger into the rest of your life, right?

HA! The court thing was sad. My XAH was completely unprepared. It was the first time I've laid eyes on him for nearly a year and he looked terrible. The judge asked him one question and after my XAH's response, he said, "That was an excuse, sir." After that I just settled in and barely spoke for an hour. I was only asking for what was fair and when the numbers came back in my favor, an extra $220 a month in child support, I waived it and said, "All I wanted was what he was previously paying, that's why we're here." My XAH still didn't seem to get the fact that I could have gone for the jugular at that point.

He is so full of anger and rage. He lied to the judge and when I tried to pull out evidence stating otherwise, because yes I was completely prepared, he shoved his fist at my face in the courtroom and said, "Just, stop. You, just stop talking. I don't want to hear your voice anymore." The judge raised his eyebrows but let it go and I was like, "See this is why we need a third party, either mediator or judge, because he can't be civil.

I try very hard to leave my past behind me, but my son is suffering from the fallout from this disease. I'm working with my bf a lot to get him to understand my son better, as well. To get him to understand that we were all living in survival mode and that my son's disabilities make it even harder for him.

I still fall into the 'woes me' stuff......why did my kid have to be saddled with an alcoholic father, a mother who buried her head in the sand for far too long, ADHD/OCD/Tourette's, and learning disabilities? At some point, there has to be a break.

Yet, we keep plugging along. My son will be 18 soon and I'm looking for state or government resources to help him get job skills and life skills so that he can learn to function on his own. He can drive himself to his appointments, knows his way around this big freaking city surprisingly, still plays tennis and is quite good at it, and is into photography as a side hobby. He gets along really well with the bf's kids to the point that we think the 8 year old has a crush on him, and we even added him as an emergency contact for the school in case they need to be picked up. My bf's ex-wife has met us both and everyone is getting along well.

So, for now, things are just one day at a time. I worry so much about my son, about my financial future, etc. Bf wants me to sell my car and get rid of the loan and then we'll both just drive his 2 cars around. He has a 15 year old Audi and a much newer Grand Cherokee; he said we can share the cars just so I can get a handle on my debt and eventually I'll buy a car in 1-1.5 years.

How's that for a 'light' summation of my life today, LOL!????
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Old 08-04-2016, 09:29 PM
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This is a lovely thread with a lot of growth, Liz.

Brene Brown's writings about joy popped into my mind this afternoon after reading your first few notes here. A lot of codependents can't really stay with joy. We see it a bad omen. Perhaps her writings will help you.

All the best. You truly deserve it.
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Old 08-05-2016, 12:22 PM
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It was the lack of drama that made me wonder if my relationship is good or not. I wasn't used to the hum drum, sitting watching TV, drinking tea, domesticity. I was waiting for the drunken arguments and none came. Yes we have disagreements but they are not of the pan throwing variety or fueled by alcohol. My b/f can drink a glass of wine and LEAVE the rest of the bottle in the fridge. That was a first for me. When he first said he loved me my first thought was what are you after? I've come to realise he meant it with all his heart. He loves me with all my screwiness fears and quirks. I accept things for what they are now. I don't worry about the future and we are working out a plan to be together. Your relationship sounds wonderful to me.
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Old 08-05-2016, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579 View Post
It was the lack of drama that made me wonder if my relationship is good or not. I wasn't used to the hum drum, sitting watching TV, drinking tea, domesticity. I was waiting for the drunken arguments and none came. Yes we have disagreements but they are not of the pan throwing variety or fueled by alcohol. My b/f can drink a glass of wine and LEAVE the rest of the bottle in the fridge. That was a first for me. When he first said he loved me my first thought was what are you after? I've come to realise he meant it with all his heart. He loves me with all my screwiness fears and quirks. I accept things for what they are now. I don't worry about the future and we are working out a plan to be together. Your relationship sounds wonderful to me.
Ha, I remember meeting my bf out at a restaurant for our first date and he ordered a margarita. I was OK with one drink. Our date dragged on and he ordered a second. I remember thinking: RED FLAG....too bad because I think I like this one. Well, he never even finished the second one, started drinking water so he wouldn't drive home even a bit tipsy and I've never seen him drink more than 1 drink while we're out together. When we're home and it's just the 2 of us, we MIGHT finish a bottle of wine together but that's at home and when we're alone without the kids.

He doesn't like to drink a lot because of the effects of alcohol to the liver, since he takes a lot of heavy meds for his RA. I don't think either one of us has ever seen the other drunk.

And, yes, the relationship is wonderful......once I remove my stupid insecurities. A few months ago, his 8 year old told my 17 year old that she thinks we'll get married some day. My 17 year old asked her why and she said that, "my dad says your mom is kind hearted....."

I thought that was really sweet. She doesn't realize that we aren't looking to get married anyway. Too much of a financial mess for him, mostly, unless we planned it carefully. And, for now, I'm not ready since I'm only 1 yr post divorce, so it works for both of us.
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