sandrac

My live-in bf of 11 years is an active alcoholic. About 9 years ago he stopped drinking for three years. When he started up again his drinking got progressively worse than before and so did his behavior. He went from damaging property in the house to cheating. I left him last year and he convinced me to come back on the understanding that he stopped drinking. During my absence he wrecked our car and drove it home in the wee hours of the morning. Upon reconciling I discovered he was secretly drinking again. So I left again. We reconciled and moved three states away. He was sober but I there were a few times that he came home from work that I thought he looked like he had been drinking. He has that look...moody, strained look. As time went on he moods started to get progressively worse and he was behaving just as he did when he was drinking. Only I never saw him drink. On Saturday, he snapped because I have trust issues and went out and purchased 12 beers. He drank five of them and passed out drunk and wet the bed. This was his pattern for years, but after more like 18 beers. I am leaving and I told him this, I cannot live with his binge drinking (daily) when he's active. I would really like some support and advise. I don't know how this keeps happening. Is he too far gone to stop? While sober he admitted he had an addiction and never wanted to drink again. it felt good to have the man that I loved back for such a short stint. But I wished it never happened because I would not be going through this again. Also, is it possible that he had been secretly drinking prior to Saturday? He denies it and I find it hard to believe that he just had five beers and wet his bed. I know I am rambling, but I am so heartbroken and confused right now. I just wanted to get enough information out there to get some support and understanding back.

SparkleKitty

Well it looks like what's happening is that he is trying to white-knuckle sobriety for the sole purpose of getting you back in his life, and you keep accepting this as good enough. Meanwhile, he always finds an excuse to drink again, and to blame it on something you said, did, or are.

White-knuckling is not recovery, and it's not a long-term solution to addiction. Whether he has been secretly drinking or not, his behavior is unacceptable in an adult relationship. I don't believe you are confused so much as you are facing a reality that you don't like. Your partner is an alcoholic with no interest in recovering right now, only in maintaining the status quo.

I'm glad you found us, and I think you'll find a wealth of experience, strength, and hope in these boards. Seeing through the fog of denial when what you want isn't what you've got is something a lot of us can relate to. We will be here to support you and listen while you navigate the road ahead.

Sending you strength and courage to accept your BF for who he really is right now, as opposed to who you wish he was.

sandrac

Thank you Sparklekitty. I thought I was going crazy. His mood swings over the last two weeks and denying that he'd been drinking. Somehow his mood swings are always justified. So you are right. He actually did admit to me during his short period of sobriety that he had previously tried to get away with secretly drinking and getting me back. With that admission I really thought he had changed.

AnvilheadII

i am glad to hear you plan to walk away from the insanity.

atalose

I don't know how this keeps happening

All the things he keeps doing are things alcoholics do, no surprise there. But this is more about YOU then him.

You keep going back just like he keeps drinking....a vicious circle always ending in the exact same place but each time worse. This won't end unless one of you steps outside the circle and stays outside.

At this point and history proves, that won't be him so that leaves you.

Yes you announced you are leaving, but what is your plan on getting help for yourself to stay gone?

honeypig

Hi, sandrac--glad you found us here at SR; it's the best place you could've come for support and learning, IMHO.

You said he passed out and wet the bed after 5 beers--that would be 5 beers that you saw him drink. I'd say it's more than likely that he was drinking secretly from another source, and I'd also say that such behavior is not at all unusual for an A. There are plenty of stories of folks who nip from a bottle hidden in the garage, bathroom, bedroom--wherever they can stop off for a moment while going about their business--and then are falling-down drunk after "2 beers." There are also stories of vodka in water bottles, etc. Just recently a member here met someone for a first date and the person had a Big Gulp container w/alcohol in it!

You've been riding the roller coaster for some time, and I think you might really like it if you got off.

Spend some time reading around the forum. Make sure you don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. Look into an Alanon meeting for some face-to-face support. And keep on posting. In time, things will become clearer and you'll find your way.

Wisconsin

Welcome, and I am so very sorry for what brings you here. You've gotten some great feedback already. I just want to point out that he didn't snap and buy beer and drink because you "have trust issues." He snapped and bought beer and drank because he wanted to buy beer and drink. You did not cause any of this, you can't cure his disease, and you have zero control over how he handles himself.

sandrac

I am so touched by the support and helpful posts in this thread and I am so happy to have found you all. I am truly lost up here with him. I plan to leave in three weeks when I can get out of here and back to the state that we left a few months ago. Down there I have family and friends who really had no confidence in his ability to stop drinking as he has been drinking since he was a teen age. He binge drinks every time. He drinks and drives. He thinks he's invincible and that nothing will happen to him. I am the problem because I don't like his drinking. Drinking is not the problem. Anyway as I was saying, I have family and friends where I am going who are going to help and support me so that I do not go back to him. It will be more difficult anyway as we will be three states apart.

Bekindalways

Welcome Sandrac and at the same time so sorry to hear that you are one of us.

It sounds like like you have a good plan.

Detachment (let the alcoholic suffer his consequences and make his/her decisions while we stick to our own problems) is what we codependents try for however this usually requires some sort of distance even if it is just the next room. My case of codependency was so bad that I actually left the hemisphere of the planet where he lived. Three states away sounds great.

These next few weeks will probably be pretty tough. Circle all the wagons you can to take care of yourself and let us know how things go.

atalose

That's a very good plan. Family and friends are great resources for the support we need after leaving and stay left!!

The only suggestion I would make is wrap up all the lose ends before you leave don't leave any unfinished business, money, bills, etc that would continue to keep you tied to him.

One of the best tools we have is with no contact, block him from calling and texting you.

sandrac

Thank you all again for your advice and encouragement. I am trying to take it one day at a time. He came home from work yesterday with a Dr. Pepper in his hand, reeking of beer and tried to convince me that he hadn't been drinking and so the beer he pulled out of the fridge was his first drink. This is a progressive disease and I can see his drinking and behavior getting worse day by day. I was trying to get him to stop or at least pretend to stop until I leave. But that's not going to work.

Berrybean

There are two parts to him quitting the booze, (which will only happen when HE wants it to by the way).
1) Dealing with the alcoholic DRINKING - which will involve stopping drinking.
2) Dealing with the alcoholic THINKING - and this is where RECOVERY comes in.

Dealing with the first thing, and not addressing the second, makes sobriety uncomfortable and unsustainable. But as I said. He needs to want sobriety, and value it, for himself. It is not possible for you to want this enough for him. It is not a case of him choosing drink over you as such. More that, while alcohol has a hold over him, his addiction will rule all his decision making and he will not think rationally but be led by his addictive voice (AV).

There is little you can do, other than get strong in yourself so that you can make healthy boundaries and stick to them, without being consumed by unwarrented guilt. Also so that you do not think of his drinking as your failing, or your problem. This is HIS ****, and he needs to own it and face his own consequences before this will get painful enough for him to deal with it. And this comes from an alcoholic in recovery.

caretaker88

Thank you berrybean... you always provide us with some great insight and advise "from the other side of the street"!!! I am sure we all appreciate it! I know I do!

atalose

Does he know you are leaving in 3 weeks? Yes it’s a progressive disease as you are witnessing first hand.

Don’t assume anything and don’t take any chances.

sandrac

Atalose, he doesn't know because he is trying to convince me that he just fell off the wagon and he's back on it/the drinking has stopped. I am going along with it for my own sanity. I know I can't stay up here isolated from everyone and stuck with him and the uncertainty, tension and fear. I am not sure I can ever trust his sobriety claims. I think he is physically addicted at this point.

sandrac

Thank you Berrybean. I don't know if he can deal with the alcoholic thinking. During the first weeks of sobriety he freely admitted that he struggled with the urge to drink. He also freely admitted he was an addict/alcoholic. But over the last few weeks he started to claim that he had no problem with alcohol cravings and did not miss or think about drinking. In other words the alcoholic in denial was still there. I also caught him in lies that were just stupid. So he never gave up the alcoholic thinking.

Bekindalways

Hang tough Sandrac and try not to engage with him. Practice the monosyllabic responses: . . . .hmmm . . .oh . . . mmm . . . .ok . . . .

. . . and then go do something for yourself.