When is enough? Why this time? It wasn't the first time I thought I was going to die:(
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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When is enough? Why this time? It wasn't the first time I thought I was going to die:(
Update
I knew it was enough when I was thinking of ways I could die.
I knew it was enough when I prayed I would.
I knew the last time my RHA husband lied and manipulated our AD and I found out, it was enough and he is out of the house after 36 years of being together 30 of those married.
I knew it was enough when I came home to AD breaching the contract no getting drunk, no partying, no hitting, no name calling.
I sent her two friends home and immediately she called me every foul name you can imagine. She walked them out and upon coming in the house she punched me as hard as she could towards my face.I caught some of it with my hand and thought she broke it.
I ran to the bathroom pulled the drawer and hid as she screamed,broke dishes, put her fist through the door ,and eventually stole my car.
Three police cruisers, more abuse when she came back as I hid in bathroom. Police finally got her in our home.
Her response...my mom is menopausal.
They took her to the drunk tank again twice in a year.
My RAH picked her up at 6 am and brought her to our house and left her outside for 10 hours.
She cried and cried and threatened to start her car in the garage.
I kept opening it up from inside but would not let her in. I kept calling my RAH to pick her up and finally he got her and put her up in a hotel complete with room service and two more dinners that week.
She said she was sorry, so did he.
But when I maintained no contact it got ugly.
Both are ganging up on me.Both are trying to make me believe I'm the crazy one and need help.
He's lied to her fabricating stories that I kicked him and shred his clothes when we separated and he went so far as to show his boss his bruised shins and clothes. He says I don't remember because I was raging. So he must have hurt himself for pity.
My daughter was there when we seperated ,nothing like that happened and he can't even get his story straight as he said it was the first time we separated and she had to help him remember.
The fact that he tells lies about me is devestating to me.
She has not even witnessed me swearing or name calling or hitting him and she believes it.
She had no contact with him and was doing better for months and then she called him when she was drunk and back they are.
I said I needed some space and I'm always her mom and will always love her but she got mad that I needed space.
I saw then she was not really sorry about what happened.
They came yesterday to get her stuff.Thank God she's not moving in with him and his Mom . She found a place. I am glad for her but how they treated me and how she said Hope your happy you are all alone now.
I lost it for the first time and told him off and her.
And they both left .
How they can believe their own lies is mind boggling.
I asked him is it fair in thirty years I had no idea if he was angry? You play nice to me but behind the scenes your doing this . No answer.
I asked do I not have aright to be angry with what is going on...no answer...
Mind blowing....
I knew it was enough when I was thinking of ways I could die.
I knew it was enough when I prayed I would.
I knew the last time my RHA husband lied and manipulated our AD and I found out, it was enough and he is out of the house after 36 years of being together 30 of those married.
I knew it was enough when I came home to AD breaching the contract no getting drunk, no partying, no hitting, no name calling.
I sent her two friends home and immediately she called me every foul name you can imagine. She walked them out and upon coming in the house she punched me as hard as she could towards my face.I caught some of it with my hand and thought she broke it.
I ran to the bathroom pulled the drawer and hid as she screamed,broke dishes, put her fist through the door ,and eventually stole my car.
Three police cruisers, more abuse when she came back as I hid in bathroom. Police finally got her in our home.
Her response...my mom is menopausal.
They took her to the drunk tank again twice in a year.
My RAH picked her up at 6 am and brought her to our house and left her outside for 10 hours.
She cried and cried and threatened to start her car in the garage.
I kept opening it up from inside but would not let her in. I kept calling my RAH to pick her up and finally he got her and put her up in a hotel complete with room service and two more dinners that week.
She said she was sorry, so did he.
But when I maintained no contact it got ugly.
Both are ganging up on me.Both are trying to make me believe I'm the crazy one and need help.
He's lied to her fabricating stories that I kicked him and shred his clothes when we separated and he went so far as to show his boss his bruised shins and clothes. He says I don't remember because I was raging. So he must have hurt himself for pity.
My daughter was there when we seperated ,nothing like that happened and he can't even get his story straight as he said it was the first time we separated and she had to help him remember.
The fact that he tells lies about me is devestating to me.
She has not even witnessed me swearing or name calling or hitting him and she believes it.
She had no contact with him and was doing better for months and then she called him when she was drunk and back they are.
I said I needed some space and I'm always her mom and will always love her but she got mad that I needed space.
I saw then she was not really sorry about what happened.
They came yesterday to get her stuff.Thank God she's not moving in with him and his Mom . She found a place. I am glad for her but how they treated me and how she said Hope your happy you are all alone now.
I lost it for the first time and told him off and her.
And they both left .
How they can believe their own lies is mind boggling.
I asked him is it fair in thirty years I had no idea if he was angry? You play nice to me but behind the scenes your doing this . No answer.
I asked do I not have aright to be angry with what is going on...no answer...
Mind blowing....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Awful Blue, you really have been through the mill. In a way it's predictable that your AD would throw a big tantrum now that you're firm on your boundaries. It may not seem like it now, but you are doing the kindest thing for her. Her father is pandering to her, and enabling her getting worse.
They say all will be revealed and your RAH is an example. He sounds like an extreme example of passive aggressive.
This is the time when you must hold on to your good principles, and be firm under pressure. They are two sick people at the moment, trying to suck you into their world. Leave them to it, and become an example of sanity to them.
They say all will be revealed and your RAH is an example. He sounds like an extreme example of passive aggressive.
This is the time when you must hold on to your good principles, and be firm under pressure. They are two sick people at the moment, trying to suck you into their world. Leave them to it, and become an example of sanity to them.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh sweetie, big huge hugs.
You have to steele yourself to the lies they tell. I don't even justify a response. I simply know that the people who know me, and know my X, will be able to see through his lies and know the truth. If not, then I don't need them in my life anyways.
More WILL be revealed. It may not be on the time line you want, but it will happen. Until then, you need to take a step back and take good care of you.
Tight hugs friend.
You have to steele yourself to the lies they tell. I don't even justify a response. I simply know that the people who know me, and know my X, will be able to see through his lies and know the truth. If not, then I don't need them in my life anyways.
More WILL be revealed. It may not be on the time line you want, but it will happen. Until then, you need to take a step back and take good care of you.
Tight hugs friend.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Bluehawaii...I remember, well, your threads from the last time you were in the big crisis of the triangle between you, your husband, and your daughter.
I do think that it is beyond the time that you can or should be living with either one of them. No adult child gets sober living permanently in their parent's house.
Living with either of them will not "save" them, and it will destroy your health and mental health......
You daughter need the help of others who are equipped to give her the kind of help she needs. You are not equipped.
You have lived with abuse for many years, in my opinion and you, also, need the proper help.....
Will you get that help?
Do you know how to get it?
We can help to guide you.....
dandylion
I do think that it is beyond the time that you can or should be living with either one of them. No adult child gets sober living permanently in their parent's house.
Living with either of them will not "save" them, and it will destroy your health and mental health......
You daughter need the help of others who are equipped to give her the kind of help she needs. You are not equipped.
You have lived with abuse for many years, in my opinion and you, also, need the proper help.....
Will you get that help?
Do you know how to get it?
We can help to guide you.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Blue,
Deep breaths, I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Your life is so out of control with addicts that you feel you are going crazy.
Please reach out for an addiction therapist. Please try and hit an alanon or open AA meeting. You need help. You need to change your pattern of how you are dealing with the addicts in your life. I know you've tried but No Contact is the only way you will find any peace. Eventually you might have to get a restraining order against both of these crazy's if they don't follow your no contact choice. Please try not to engage with either of them, cut ties. Block numbers, face book, change email address. Do what ever you can to get control of your life. Engaging and trying to fix them, is just causing you to be drowning in the raging river with them.
I am sending prayers to you my friend that you find 5 minutes of peace today. Hugs to you!!
Deep breaths, I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Your life is so out of control with addicts that you feel you are going crazy.
Please reach out for an addiction therapist. Please try and hit an alanon or open AA meeting. You need help. You need to change your pattern of how you are dealing with the addicts in your life. I know you've tried but No Contact is the only way you will find any peace. Eventually you might have to get a restraining order against both of these crazy's if they don't follow your no contact choice. Please try not to engage with either of them, cut ties. Block numbers, face book, change email address. Do what ever you can to get control of your life. Engaging and trying to fix them, is just causing you to be drowning in the raging river with them.
I am sending prayers to you my friend that you find 5 minutes of peace today. Hugs to you!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending big hugs, Blue, and wishing you peace and continued strength. I do believe that some day (soon), your answer to her statement:
will be, "Yes. I am happy." No more living with fear, uncertainty, lies, hurt. No more police to your door. Be gentle with yourself in the meantime and remember that the truth will come out. It takes a lot of clear thinking to keep lies straight and remember what their story was, and it doesn't sound like they'll be able to manage that consistently. ((((hugs))))
Originally Posted by Bluehawaii 
she said Hope your happy you are all alone now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
BH I am very sorry for what you have gone through.
I'm fairly certain your daughter has mental health issues, and your husband is alcoholic. Neither have the capability to live in reality. Your expectation that they see things accurately is a too high expectation from either.
I'm fairly certain your daughter has mental health issues, and your husband is alcoholic. Neither have the capability to live in reality. Your expectation that they see things accurately is a too high expectation from either.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Awful Blue, you really have been through the mill. In a way it's predictable that your AD would throw a big tantrum now that you're firm on your boundaries. It may not seem like it now, but you are doing the kindest thing for her. Her father is pandering to her, and enabling her getting worse.
They say all will be revealed and your RAH is an example. He sounds like an extreme example of passive aggressive.
This is the time when you must hold on to your good principles, and be firm under pressure. They are two sick people at the moment, trying to suck you into their world. Leave them to it, and become an example of sanity to them.
They say all will be revealed and your RAH is an example. He sounds like an extreme example of passive aggressive.
This is the time when you must hold on to your good principles, and be firm under pressure. They are two sick people at the moment, trying to suck you into their world. Leave them to it, and become an example of sanity to them.
I was blind but now I see.
Thank you ,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Oh sweetie, big huge hugs.
You have to steele yourself to the lies they tell. I don't even justify a response. I simply know that the people who know me, and know my X, will be able to see through his lies and know the truth. If not, then I don't need them in my life anyways.
More WILL be revealed. It may not be on the time line you want, but it will happen. Until then, you need to take a step back and take good care of you.
Tight hugs friend.
You have to steele yourself to the lies they tell. I don't even justify a response. I simply know that the people who know me, and know my X, will be able to see through his lies and know the truth. If not, then I don't need them in my life anyways.
More WILL be revealed. It may not be on the time line you want, but it will happen. Until then, you need to take a step back and take good care of you.
Tight hugs friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by dandylion
Bluehawaii...I remember, well, your threads from the last time you were in the big crisis of the triangle between you, your husband, and your daughter.
I do think that it is beyond the time that you can or should be living with either one of them. No adult child gets sober living permanently in their parent's house.
Living with either of them will not "save" them, and it will destroy your health and mental health......
You daughter need the help of others who are equipped to give her the kind of help she needs. You are not equipped.
You have lived with abuse for many years, in my opinion and you, also, need the proper help.....
Will you get that help?
Do you know how to get it?
We can help to guide you.....
dandylion
I do think that it is beyond the time that you can or should be living with either one of them. No adult child gets sober living permanently in their parent's house.
Living with either of them will not "save" them, and it will destroy your health and mental health......
You daughter need the help of others who are equipped to give her the kind of help she needs. You are not equipped.
You have lived with abuse for many years, in my opinion and you, also, need the proper help.....
Will you get that help?
Do you know how to get it?
We can help to guide you.....
dandylion
Yes of course I'm getting help. If I wasn't I would not have been able to get them out.
I started seeing a counsellor back in February I think.i started ever session with he' s such a nice guy.He listened and stopped me each time and said...he pretends to be a nice guy.It happened so often that I finally believed him. That was the turning point.I also wrote down nice guys stand up for you. Nice guys help when there's a chrisis. Nice guys value your opinion, nice guys listen to your concerns,nice guys show empathy,nice guys cry when your beat up,nice guys take charge and help when asked,nice guys put you first, nice guys tell the truth,nice guys want the best for those they love,nice guys don't hurt kids,nice guys don't hurt animals,nice guys don't look at porn,nice guys want you, nice guys say what they mean and do what they say....etc etc etc
When my daughter beat me up this last time I called a domestic abuse shelter and seeing a lady there as well. Interesting with her I cry non stop and with him I don't.
I like both very much.
I also been seeing pastor at my church.
Thanks so much for your guidance !
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by maia1234
Blue,
Deep breaths, I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Your life is so out of control with addicts that you feel you are going crazy.
Please reach out for an addiction therapist. Please try and hit an alanon or open AA meeting. You need help. You need to change your pattern of how you are dealing with the addicts in your life. I know you've tried but No Contact is the only way you will find any peace. Eventually you might have to get a restraining order against both of these crazy's if they don't follow your no contact choice. Please try not to engage with either of them, cut ties. Block numbers, face book, change email address. Do what ever you can to get control of your life. Engaging and trying to fix them, is just causing you to be drowning in the raging river with them.
I am sending prayers to you my friend that you find 5 minutes of peace today. Hugs to you!!
Deep breaths, I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Your life is so out of control with addicts that you feel you are going crazy.
Please reach out for an addiction therapist. Please try and hit an alanon or open AA meeting. You need help. You need to change your pattern of how you are dealing with the addicts in your life. I know you've tried but No Contact is the only way you will find any peace. Eventually you might have to get a restraining order against both of these crazy's if they don't follow your no contact choice. Please try not to engage with either of them, cut ties. Block numbers, face book, change email address. Do what ever you can to get control of your life. Engaging and trying to fix them, is just causing you to be drowning in the raging river with them.
I am sending prayers to you my friend that you find 5 minutes of peace today. Hugs to you!!
The strange thing is I know I need know contact. It came to me so strongly.
I told my daughter and she said she was blocking me and needs space.
She twisted it back on me.
She came to move her things and the first thing she looked for was her wine magnum from the night she beat me.
Further solidifying for me she really wasn't sorry but I didn't get that till today....but I GOT IT!!!
She went to her first meeting last week and now looking for her wine.
Thank you !!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by theuncertainty
Sending big hugs, Blue, and wishing you peace and continued strength. I do believe that some day (soon), your answer to her statement:
will be, "Yes. I am happy." No more living with fear, uncertainty, lies, hurt. No more police to your door. Be gentle with yourself in the meantime and remember that the truth will come out. It takes a lot of clear thinking to keep lies straight and remember what their story was, and it doesn't sound like they'll be able to manage that consistently. ((((hugs))))
will be, "Yes. I am happy." No more living with fear, uncertainty, lies, hurt. No more police to your door. Be gentle with yourself in the meantime and remember that the truth will come out. It takes a lot of clear thinking to keep lies straight and remember what their story was, and it doesn't sound like they'll be able to manage that consistently. ((((hugs))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by redatlanta
BH I am very sorry for what you have gone through.
I'm fairly certain your daughter has mental health issues, and your husband is alcoholic. Neither have the capability to live in reality. Your expectation that they see things accurately is a too high expectation from either.
I'm fairly certain your daughter has mental health issues, and your husband is alcoholic. Neither have the capability to live in reality. Your expectation that they see things accurately is a too high expectation from either.
Anything and everything...
They both have seen counsellors and psychiatrist for
Anxiety and depression... And she for ADHD as well.
Some of my counsellors think personally disorders
Narcissistic passive aggressive, etc
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
BlueHawaii, hang in there. My family of origin's behavior was so alcoholic and dysfunctional and punitive and scorching that I couldn't believe they could have behaved like that, and it must be me.
A dear friend got me a very strange little "air" plant on a magnet that I adhered to my refrigerator. She told me that everytime they did something bizarre, to look at the strange warped little plant and realize that it was a metaphor for them, and that they, and the plant, were bizarre.
Not me, I was living in reality. They were bizarre.
Same for you.
ShootingStar1
A dear friend got me a very strange little "air" plant on a magnet that I adhered to my refrigerator. She told me that everytime they did something bizarre, to look at the strange warped little plant and realize that it was a metaphor for them, and that they, and the plant, were bizarre.
Not me, I was living in reality. They were bizarre.
Same for you.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
bluehawaii, as others have said, hang in there & surround yourself with
a great support system. You are doing that and i would encourage you
to get to 2 or 3 meetings a week, find one that speaks to you. Then,
get a sponsor and work the steps. Its not easy, but it is the best thing
you could ever do for yourself. prayers to you. You will find that your
recovery becomes the active centerpiece in your life & the alcoholics
fall to the wayside.
a great support system. You are doing that and i would encourage you
to get to 2 or 3 meetings a week, find one that speaks to you. Then,
get a sponsor and work the steps. Its not easy, but it is the best thing
you could ever do for yourself. prayers to you. You will find that your
recovery becomes the active centerpiece in your life & the alcoholics
fall to the wayside.
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