alcoholics wife

Perhaps he should talk to his counsellor but it's HIS recovery. Him reaching out and doing his own work is all part of his recovery and taking responsibility for his own life. It's not going to be smooth sailing, it's these tough moments that he needs to face. It's not about him facing someone else (ie. His ex wife), it's him facing himself. It's not about his ex wife being a wicked lady...SHE didn't cause him to drink. It's about him acknowledging that he is emotionally fragile and that he needs to let go of all the shame, guilt, anger and anxiety that is the motivation for him to drink when put in difficult situations. Stressful situations can arise at any given time (ie. Bankruptcy, death of a loved one, illness etc), it's life. The way you cope with these difficult situations are different with everyone. Some turn to the bottle, others do not.

He can't change his ex wife into the mother of his son the way he wants her to be. He has his perspective, the ex has her perspective and you have yours.

Instead of you hanging onto anger yourself. (I know, this is hard. Our natural instinct can easily turn to anger when dealing with difficult people...), perhaps try to empathize. Maybe she has a mental illness that is not diagnosed, maybe she was and still is emotionally hurt from the marriage due to his alcoholism (which you ought to know is extremely difficult to deal with)...whatever it may be, she has her own subjective reasons for harbouring anger, and that's her issues. There is nothing good for the soul when you hang onto negative emotions. For your own well-being, Finding a way to let go of that negative power the ex wife has on yourself is what you should be working on. This can look a lot different than how your husband needs to deal with it.

AnvilheadII

As of July 25 he was "rip roaring drunk" - and he is currently on "enforced" sobriety due to work.

so if he hasn't even fully embraced STEP ONE, then he has no business worrying about Step NINE.

you my dear are being fed a big ole line of BS - smoke and mirrors.
whatever is going on with his ex wife, it's not 15 years of attempts at making amends. he is not IN recovery, he is not WORKING the steps, so he's doing nothing more than blowing smoke.

alwayscovering

I'm confused by your post...I NEVER said he was in recovery at this moment. I never said that at all. I am aware at this moment he is sober because he is on call. I was curious about his explanation of why he stopped going to AA 15 years ago. Since I don't have a full understanding of the process I was looking for someone to shed some light for me. Him being forced to continue to try to apologize to someone like her didn't seem right.

AnvilheadII

I'm sorry, i guess i misread your post. i thought he was still trying to amends to her TODAY.

so you are saying all this amends stuff is from 15 years ago? and that he has NOT tried to make further amends to the ex since then? and THAT is his reasoning for not attending AA now????

Berrybean

Him letting go of his anger isn't necessarily the same issue as whether or not she accepts his amends. Resentments are like poison to us, so it is good advice for him to address any lingering anger and resentment he has for her, and her part in what went wrong in the relationship.

Regarding amends, we do need to be prepared to make amends. That is the important thing. If he was genuinely prepared to do this and she doesn't accept it, then no further action is necessary. As long as he did offer to try to put his side of things right (as other people have said - this is not the same as an apology). He may not have told you all the reasons he owed her amends, and actually, he doesn't have to. I only even mention it because that might explain why some of his story doesn't add up. Likelihood is, when he met you he'd have told you the tale of his ex with the best possible slant on it for him, and this might mean that he omitted some of the more 'interesting' details. But then, this presumably was before you were on the scene, so would it concern you if this were the case anyway?

If you want to find out more about amends and the 12-step process, why not read the 12 and 12, or the Big Book, or even go along to AlAnon. They use the same 12-step program there. Plus it'd be a good support network.

alwayscovering

he seems to think that is some sort of requirement. after all of the responses that seems to be what he took from whatever his sponsor told him.

He said he doesn't see why he would go back to AA when he won't be able to move on from that step (when he gets to it) I told him at this point it's been a long time and I don't feel like there is any need to include her in his recovery at all-if he chooses to go.

alwayscovering

honestly, he didn't tell me much about her when we met. He was and still is quite embarrassed by her crazy behavior. I honestly wish he would have...I wouldn't have been so blind sided. But anywho...I've been to several al anon meetings I don't really care for it at all. I found a celebrate recovery nearby and I've made contact with that group to see what I can do to join it. I also have a therapist.

Wisconsin

Oh Always, I know how much you want him to get better. I know how it feels to cling to every vague statement about quitting, to put so much weight on every tiny indication he might be inching toward recovery.

Your husband is still deep in the throes of his addiction. He is making every excuse he possibly can. Dry or not, he is miles away from recovery right now, and every day that you and your son stick around waiting for him to throw another breadcrumb to you is a day you could be living a happy, emotionally healthy life. I know that we don't leave until we are ready to leave. I also know that I stayed with my STBXAH waaaaay too long, and the people who suffered the most, by far, were my children.

Sending you much love.

atalose

I guess I am viewing your situation as HE just doesn't want to stop drinking period. All the talk of the crazy ex wife and his inability to complete an AA step 15 years ago are just HIS excuses to continue drinking.

His ex wife crazy or not is NOT the reason he drinks. YOU are not the reason he drinks.

alcoholics wife

Im confused. Is your husband still actively drinking?

alwayscovering

yes and no...he is NOT in recovery but he has to stay sober for a couple of weeks because he is on call at work. I'm just enjoying the peace and quiet. I would love for him to go to AA or something and work a program but it's up to him. I found a list of AA meetings on the computer when I opened the laptop yesterday and it made me sad...because while I'm glad he's looking at it (means he might be thinking about it) I'm not very optimistic that he'll actually go. I'm trying to force myself to accept that he won't ever go and I'll probably end up having to leave.

Flavia2

Do yourself a favor and take anything he says with a grain of salt. In my experience, this would have been something my AH said and then not even REMEMBERED saying later (or "I said that because I'm just a drunk")

And then 20 years passed.

alwayscovering

Yea...I'm at a point where I don't believe him when he says he'll get clean or go to AA or whatever. Please...our account just got hit for 110.00 for redbox movies he rented while he was drunk...didn't remember renting and so never returned. We have about 20 redbox movies/games that we OWN because of crap like that.