URTheQuarry

I apologise in advance for the length of this post. I have been considering posting here for a while, and would be really grateful for any insights, perspective or advice.

I have been with my partner for nearly ten years, married for five. I'd consider him to be my first major relationship. By way of some context, this is a same-sex relationship.

My partner is in many ways a brilliant, unique, loyal, generous and loving man. I love lots of things about him - when he isn't drinking.

In the 1990s, he had an auto-immune illness which has left him with mobility difficulties and problems with his balance to this day. He has also struggled off and on with his weight.

When we first started dating, I knew he had something of a "hedonistic" streak, but for the most part I didn't experience this as anything more intense than him having the odd pill or line of coke in a club. About two years into our relationship, he started taking ketamine on a regular basis. We lived in different cities at the time, and although we were in the habit of talking on the phone daily, he began to either make calls to or take calls from me while still under the influence. Eventually he booked himself into a six-week treatment programme; at around the same time, we bought a house together. He was obliged to tell his employer about his drug problem and was essentially prevented from practicing his profession for a year. His time off work seemed to help him with wiping the slate clean and looking forwards, and for a while, all seemed well.

A couple of years after we tied the knot, he resumed smoking cigarettes (about 20 a day). Problems with his weight and diet also resurfaced, to the extent that he was becoming obese and unable to control it. He saw no other alternative than to pay privately for a sleeve gastrectomy.

Although the operation itself went well and he lost weight in the short term, about six months later he began to drink more noticeably - mostly alone on weeknights, but also being more conspicuously "tipsy" whenever we socialised with others. I began to discover empty spirit bottles, and his behaviour began to become more erratic and unpredictable; to the extent that I would regularly feel embarrassed and stressed at social situations, birthday parties, weddings etc. Eventually I confronted him regarding my worries about where his consumption patterns were leading. He didn't respond angrily, and said he would get help - but it was more than a year before he started abstinence and AA meetings.

He went to several meetings of AA a week for about a period of three months earlier this year, before stopping abruptly and returning to his former pattern of drinking - which is to say pretty much nightly. He is not - at least yet - exhibiting anything like abusive behaviour towards me, and he is doing well (at least superficially) at his job, where he holds a senior position. He has however recently started seeing a counsellor once a week, for what he says is low mood (rather than for alcohol dependency specifically). On occasion, he speaks of feeling lonely and that he doesn't have any close friends, besides me, in the city we live in.

The drinking mostly manifests in slurred speech and his being more vulnerable to falling (in part due to the pre-existing issues with his mobility and balance, and in part also due to his surgically reduced stomach meaning he now metabolises alcohol faster). I have several hobbies and spare time activities of my own, which on the one hand suggests there isn't a codependency problem; on the other, thanks to living Sint him, I have more of a disposable income than I've ever had previously and I know that materially, I am very secure. (He also earns twice the salary that I do - if he were to run into trouble at work again, to the extent that I became the sole breadwinner, our current home would probably be unaffordable).

While I'm not currently in any physical danger, I feel as if I'm helplessly watching somebody's slow and almost imperceptible decline. Lately, I have tried to adopt the approach of "lovingly detaching"/setting boundaries - I suggested, for example, that he only attend some of the celebration I had planned for my birthday - and it caused a huge argument between us.

He has acknowledged that his drinking is an issue which affects us both, and that if it isn't addressed, it will make things between us truly miserable. I fluctuate between feeling ambivalent at best - and, at worst, increasing dread - about what life with him might be like in the future, versus guilt at even harbouring thoughts like these when I know it could be so much worse. I know that his disease is progressive, and that I could be running the risk of being exposed to a worse situation if I just "wait and see" what happens and hope for the best in the meantime. At the same time, I also can't say with my hand on my heart that I didn't know the nature of his problems when I decided to marry him - and that I therefore didn't know what I was getting myself into. I'm also conflicted about the appropriateness of setting an ultimatum. I know that I can't change him, and that any change has to come from him and him alone. But I also feel as if an ultimatum from me might be the only thing left which impresses upon him the seriousness of the situation; or the importance of getting his health in order.

FeelingGreat

Hi UR, you sound like a level-headed sensible person. I suggest you do as much reading as you can, around this web-site (start with the 'stickies' at the top of this forum page), and also of recommended books. You might also want to try Al-anon.

You're right in saying you can't change him because at best it will be a short term effort to keep you happy. As a recovered A I know how hard it is to come around to the idea of total abstinence, but once you've reached the point of really wanting recovery the hardest part is over. It's the half-hearted attempts that do so much harm, and often result in us ending up worse than we were.

Your AH has a lot going on, with addictive tendencies, and some underlying need to medicate the world away. Eventually it will catch up with him, even if he's holding it together right now.

Can you convince him to seek counselling to try and work out what drives his addictions? He sounds like he wants to improve but doesn't have the willpower or knowledge of how to go about it. AA might help but maybe after some time spent at rehab to focus on himself and what motivates him.

If you get to the point where you don't see a future for your marriage with him drinking, then moving out would be your next step. An ultimatum or threat might frighten him, but it's unlikely to stop him. You could point out that you won't be viable as a couple, but that's just a statement of fact, not a threat.

All the best, you sound like a really together person and I'm sorry your coping with this.

maia1234

Ur,
Welcome to sr. It's a great place to educate yourself about addiction. Good for you for reaching out for help. Sounds like your ah (alcoholic husband) doesn't have a problem with his addictions, but you do, so technically it's your problem, not his. So what can you do about it??

I would also recommend hitting an alanon meeting, as this is some wonderful face to face support. We all love your addicts on f & f (friends and family) , but we either learn how to detach in our marriage or eventually get the strength to move on in your life. Keep reading doing your homework. They dont recommend making any big decisions in the next 6 months that you could regret.

Stick with us, keep reading and asking questions, there is a ton of support from around the world, 24 hours a day. Sending hugs my friend!!

thequest

The big thing keep yourself safe physically and financially. And I highly doubt it's anything you did or did not do. If an adult is doing the occasional pill or cocaine that's an issue already, especially in a club where there's alcohol to get a buzz. And time does not cure these things. We waited for decades hoping age & time would temper an adult addict/alkie's bad habits but the shear amount of time makes breaking or changing any habit that much harder.

Until he really really wants to change the occasional rehab or AA probably won't do much. I'd say set and keep boundaries on the smallest of things see if it becomes a motivator. Some only respond to direct consequence.

Good Luck , Stay Safe.

URTheQuarry

Thank you to all of you who took the time to reply and share your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

SmallButMighty

It sounds like you have really thought through your situation. Congrats for having your wits about you! I sure didn't when I landed here a few years ago.

I would suggest that you take some, if not most or all of that "disposable" income and squirrel it away for a rainy day. That would give you a nice nest egg many of us here never had when it came time for us to leave.

My AXH was also the main bread winner in our marriage and my financial security while with him was one of the things that kept me tied to him as long as I was. (several years longer then I should have been) In the end I walked away from the home where we raised our family, the big yard, the vehicles , and all the toys because all that stuff was not worth the pain of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. ( I would have lived in a cardboard box in a swampy ditch with him if he could have found recovery)

Maybe your story will end better than mine did. Maybe your AH will find recovery or maybe you will find a way to keep yourself healthy if he doesn't. Maybe you wont decide to leave, but if in the mean time you have some money saved "just in case" it will give you some peace of mind and be one less scary thing to consume your thoughts if you do.

Regardless of the situation, it never hurts to have a little savings....

Good luck , wishing you peace and sending you a hug.

Cyranoak

Over the years I've been in many meetings, and seen many posts, from people in same-sex relationships and have observed that often the posts suggest that perhaps the drinking problem is compounded by the other issues faced by those in same-sex relationships. I believe, however, that alcoholism stands on it's own-- it doesn't care about religious, social, political, or gender-based issues at all and is indiscriminate about where, when, and who it strikes.

He can't control his drinking-- that's a certainty according to your post. Therefore he needs help. For many that is AA, but there are other programs that work for people and, in my experience, the only thing guaranteed to fail for sure is just stopping drinking-- it's a very, very, very rare person that can quit exclusively through force of will.

Please consider Alanon for yourself, and encourage your partner to try the recovery program of his choice-- that said, AA is free and meetings can be found just about everywhere. Help is there for him, and most meetings I've experienced could give a **** if he is gay or not (at least in the Pacific Northwest). All you both have to do is google AA or Alanon and your zip code-- you'll find your meetings!

Good luck,

Cyranoak

LexieCat

Just to piggyback on Cy's post, there are plenty of gay/lesbian AA groups (anyone welcome, but the core group tends to be gay/lesbian). But any alcoholic is welcome at any meeting--and "open" meetings are open to partners and family or anyone who wants to learn.

It sounds like you're asking us whether we think staying or going would be most likely to help HIM. I'd suggest you focus on which is better for YOU. And you don't have to decide anything this minute. Educate yourself, keep reading (especially the stickies up top) and posting, get to some Al-Anon meetings, and eventually things will become clearer to you.