JessicaNAJ

Last night I had a work "thing" I had to do. I asked my AH if he would pick up our kids for me because I was going there straight from work. He did.

I told him our son had to do 30 minutes of homework and they both needed baths.

Well, guess what I did?? I called him, as soon as I got there to make sure he picked them up with no problem. His phone was shut off, so I called my neighbors and asked them if they saw him to have him call me. Finally, two hours later, he calls me. That means he just got to my house. (He had to go to his apartment first to get a shower-whatever, he could have went to my house first, got our son's homework and then go home to get a shower.)

Needless to say, at this point my son has not done his homework yet. (He should do it as soon as possible otherwise he's too tired and ends up messing around.)

Am I overreacting or do I have to hold his hand with everything and give him step by step instructions on what needs to be done? He always does things half a@@ed and it really really drives me nuts. Are my expectations too high??

On the bright side, my AH did have the house somewhat straighted up when I got there and he had the kids settling down to go to bed. Of course that probably because he knew I'd flip if he didn't and not because he knows that's what's best for them.

I'm done now - thanks for listening.....

smoke gets in my eyes

You gave him instructions. They weren't hard. Being more detailed won't make him follow them. What you have there is an immovable object. If you are the irresistable force, you go around the immovable object. If you can't trust him to do important things, then reevalute the importance. If it's still majorly important, don't trust him to do them. Now I can just hear your guts screaming "That's not having a participating spouse!" No, it isn't. It's having an addicted spouse. Sort of like getting a blue hat when you ordered a red one. If there are other things you like about the blue hat, in spite of the fact that the color does not suit you, you keep it. But it will always be blue.

Do you want to borrow my nerf bat?

Hugs,
Smoke

ASpouse

I learned a long time ago dealing with my sober AH that if I ask him to do things, such as picking up the kids etc that I have to let him do it his way. You cannot tell him exactly when to do what. Just curious, did you son have his homework done? I would assume so.

For example, when I do laundry at home, I put all dirty laundry in the laundry room and make separate piles and start washing. My AH will pick up clothes here and there and wash a load here and there. You know what? It bugs me to death. Why oh why can't he do it my way? Can't he see my way is more efficient and the right way to do it? It's taken me months to accept the fact that this is just the way he is, he thinks his way is best and I think mine is and in all honesty, it's what works for each of us.

Same thing with folding clothes ...... he folds them and puts them in a laundry basket downstairs, I fold them and put them in everyone's room. Whose way is right? His or mine?

Granted these are little things, but in my recovery I've learned not to sweat the small stuff and if your son had his homework done and he was bathed and ready for bed, what's the big deal? I read it as trying to control the situation and trying to teach/show him he's not as good or as smart as you are. A losing battle either way you look at it.

And all of this is useless if you have a good reason not to trust him anyway, in which case I wouldn't have asked him to pick up the kids.

Blondie

This is a really good place to vent (I've done it myself many times) because all of us here understand.

I know if I ask my AH to do something to help me out, he will do it the way he wants, when he wants to do it. Logic never enters into his mind, thus, late bills, fire ant hills all over the yard where the kids play, a broken washer and broken refridgerator that he refuses to hire a repairman to fix, etc, etc, etc. If my AH does what I ask him to do at all (which usually he finds some lame excuse why he couldn't do something and I end up doing it anyway ) I am grateful that it is done at all. I have just come to expect and accept that that is what will happen if I ask him to do anything. It stinks, but that is the way my AH is, so if I want something done that is important to me, I have to do it myself or find someone else who is trustworthy. Can I borrow the nerf bat?

Peaches04

HI Jessica... isn't it frustrating! I go through similar situations all the time. I've been sick the last few days and my husband has had to do everything (I had NO choice). I felt the same way you did...they got to bed too late, didn't do this, didn't do that..but, when I stepped back I realized he had done what needed to be done, and they were safe and happy. I realized I may have let my codependent controlling side take over me and felt like it had to be done MY way. I am NOT at all saying that's what you are doing - I understand how imperative it is to keep schedules and routines... but, it is what I was doing. Your post made me stop and think about that, so thank you. I struggle with this alot - he does things sometimes that he thinks are 'fun' for the kids that interrupt their schedule..and it drives me crazy because there is almost always a reprecussion when that happens. Don't get me wrong, I'm not overly strict and I am guilty of the staying up 30 mins later and all that business, but sometimes he just goes too far and it is too much for them to handle, in the sense that they get confused about what they are or aren't allowed to do. Does that make sense?
I am jealous though becuase mine did NOT staighten the house!!

JessicaNAJ

My AH was helpful when he still lived as home, as far as cleaning, cooking and doing laundry. None of that was done the way I preferred it to be and it didn't bother me too much either.

Since I've had my "awakening" that I didn't want to live that "A" type of life with him and I didn't want my kids growing up in that situation either, I guess I feel like he owes me. At least to do what I ask?? Is that too much to want. I've done soooo much for him, I realize now that everything I've done was my choice, but I want him to do the same for me, respect me and what I ask and expect, especially when it comes to our kids....like I've done for him for so many years.

He had no structure growing up - that's all he knows and if he had it his way, that is all our kids would know.

I need a nerf bat....

ASpouse - You said "I read it as trying to control the situation and trying to teach/show him he's not as good or as smart as you are." I think your right. I think deep down I do feel as though I'm better than he is. After all, I'm the one who has held our family together and helped him through his 3 DUI's. I don't really think I have any respect left for him.

I thought I was helping him because when you love someone, you'd do anything to help them. I only ended up hurting both of us, didn't I??

ASpouse

Oh I don't know ...... don't be too hard on yourself. You've put an end to this part of your life, the part you felt you couldn't live with anymore.

It's easier said than done, but it's time to move on ...... that ever scary situation we all put ourselves in called "C H A N G E". It's very difficult.

I only used the laundry thingy as an example of the minute things I tried to control, believe me the things got bigger and bigger.

Your kids will learn from both of you not only him. They are half his and may just have some of his qualities, like them or not. The best you can do for your kids to be there to talk to them and nurture them.

Don't forget, kids are masters at manipulation also. I know with my daughter if I tell her no she will talk to me in a way that my husband does knowing full well it irks the hell out of me. But I just turn around and smile to myself knowing that she must find her way and if her way is having some of her dad's quirky irritating behaviors then so be it. (mind you these are only quirky and irritating to ME! LOL) She is the one that has to live with it, not me, at least not forever LOL. I hope that makes sense.

I think you do more harm to your kids by trying to control how your husband treats them than letting them make up their own minds. You will always be there to pick up the pieces for them if and when they need your guidance.

JessicaNAJ

ASpouse - Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I try so hard , I guess, to control how my husband treats them (trying to protect them) I forgot how my actions would affect them. I'm doing to them EXACTLY what my mom and dad was doing to us (both suffer from depression and were also divorced). That is the exact opposite of what I said I would never do.

Thank you - thank you!!

I need to learn to bite my tongue more often.

ASpouse

You're welcome believe me I'm no expert. I'm still learning as I go. It is so easy to say when you are younger "I will never be like my mother" or "I'll never be like them", but I find myself more often than not being just like that. I realize now that my mother was not so bad and her advice was not so bad either. Mind you, I did not grow up in an alcoholic family, at least not my siblings or mom or dad.

Just the other day I put dinner on the table and my daughter says "can I have cereal", my sons says "can I have cookies?" and I looked at my lovely children and said "What the hell do you think this is, a RESTAURANT?" lol

Guess what, my mother used to say that all the time and for a split second I saw my mom in my minds eyes and it wasn't so bad and I was right!

My dad used to always say "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives" and that means parents also.

cwohio

ahhh - those stinking learned behaviors that we have come to know so well creep in so subtley that until we start discussing with others we don't even realize that we are doing them.

jessica - at least you are recognizing these things as they happen and are wiling to do something to change the pattern!

cwohio

JessicaNAJ

cwohio - I'm trying, but it's so hard.

I love this forum, it is helping me to realize a lot and not feel so alone. I'm glad I found you guys...lol