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Old 08-09-2016, 04:37 PM
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Thanks Aries, thanks AW, it all makes totally sense.

Luckily so far I'm having no regrets and not missing him...hopefully that will last. Something has just angered me though and given me a little reminder why I left. A couple of weeks ago axbf was walking doggy in the morning and apparently a dog walkers dog attacked my dog so axbf posted a bad review on her business Facebook page saying her dogs were out of control etc etc etc. I had his FB open on my phone from that time as he asked me to see if she'd commented and I forgot to close it. I've just gone on now to post on my doggys FB (sad I know) and before I logged him off I noticed she replied. She remembers the meeting at 10.30am with him with can in hand. I didn't need to read anymore as his judgment on the situation would have obviously been not so great. I knew he was using dog walks as an excuse to drink but seeing it on FB made it more real. I don't care about him drinking so much but that he was meant to be in control of my dog and how could he have been if he was drinking. I know it doesn't matter now but it's a fantastic reminder why me & doggy aren't there anymore!

The other thing...I have a friend I knew years ago and we reunited about 10 months ago. She has mental health issues, drug issues and is an alcoholic. She's a lovely girl who cares about everyone and would do anything for you but Im really struggling with her. She calls me everyday several times a day. She knows I hate talking on the phone so most of the time I don't answer but she calls and calls and calls. Half the time when I do speak to her I can't understand a word she's saying and what can I do? She also tells me I'm her best friend and only friend. She had a baby premature 2 months ago and he is still in hospital but authorities are trying to get him fostered because of her issues. I feel for her but with her in addition to axbf stuff I'm starting to loose empathy and I haven't the energy to support her. I know it probably sounds heartless but if you don't do anything about your addiction/mental health you run the risk of having your baby taken. It's for the best.

Other than my two rants doing pretty ok
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Old 08-11-2016, 05:35 AM
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Ugh I'm not feeling so great today. Had a long text off axbf saying he will go to AA and another alcohol service he was referred to and take his various tablets religiously. He wants me to come back and give it another 2 weeks and then if nothing changes he will accept we are over.

I just want to cry as was doing so well and now I'm not so much

Any support would be much appreciated xx
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Old 08-11-2016, 05:40 AM
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Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not go back there. Once it works to suck you back in, he'll relapse and it will magically become your fault. Please. For your dog's sake, if nothing else.

Block him. And while you're at it, tell your addict friend that you're going through too much right now to be helpful to her, and then block her, too.

Sometimes you have to come first and now is that time.
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Old 08-11-2016, 05:49 AM
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Does it make any degree of sense whatsoever that you should come back BEFORE he's doing all this wonderful stuff he's promising to do?

It's just a hook to reel you back in.

Look, breakups are hard. If you run back every time it starts to hurt, it never really ends and you never get a chance to heal. I suggest you BLOCK the texts, go through the pain involved in ANY breakup, and then you can start to get on with your life.
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Old 08-11-2016, 06:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not go back there. Once it works to suck you back in, he'll relapse and it will magically become your fault. Please. For your dog's sake, if nothing else.

Block him. And while you're at it, tell your addict friend that you're going through too much right now to be helpful to her, and then block her, too.

Sometimes you have to come first and now is that time.
Thanks Aries,

I know you are right. Been there a hundred times no exaggeration. I do need to put me first and I've told him that before. I don't want to go back and every time I have in the last 12 months I've regretted it straight away.

With my friend she knows what's going on and is also someone else who thinks I'm best off without him. She won't understand if I break contact but I'm going to have to. I can't be at her beck and call 24/7 and also it would be so wrong to support one alcoholic and not another xx
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Old 08-11-2016, 06:36 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Does it make any degree of sense whatsoever that you should come back BEFORE he's doing all this wonderful stuff he's promising to do?

It's just a hook to reel you back in.

Look, breakups are hard. If you run back every time it starts to hurt, it never really ends and you never get a chance to heal. I suggest you BLOCK the texts, go through the pain involved in ANY breakup, and then you can start to get on with your life.
No Lexie, it doesn't make any sense. Thank you. Every time I've gone back there's the usual promises followed by no change from him or me for that matter. On numerous occasions I've put it to him that do it first and then I will but he's never agreed so silly old me returned. This time won't be any different as he'd have no reason to change and I've told him I won't xx
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Old 08-11-2016, 06:45 AM
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Hi Kate, it sounds like you have a great handle on the situation unfortunately no matter how much you understand it still hurts.

Take extra good care of yourself: stay hydrated, get exercise double down on the leafy greens!
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Old 08-11-2016, 07:02 AM
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Oh, thank goodness. I got nauseated a little when I read your post about wavering.

You're recovering, too...and that comes first. Active addicts are drowning and they will take you down with them without a moment's hesitation or concern.

Keep swimming for shore.

Sending you a hug.

P.S. Have you blocked him yet? Because the next round will be, "Well since you're not coming back to support me I have no one and nothing to live for so I will drink myself to death and it will be [I]your fault.[I]
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Old 08-11-2016, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Katetheo View Post
With my friend she knows what's going on and is also someone else who thinks I'm best off without him. She won't understand if I break contact but I'm going to have to. I can't be at her beck and call 24/7 and also it would be so wrong to support one alcoholic and not another xx
Well, there's "support" and there's co-dependence/enabling. I'm not sure how close this friend is, or what you've tried in terms of setting boundaries with her. You could provide support/encouragement and maintain a friendship if she respects your boundaries--which should include not being available 24/7 for drunken phone calls.

You might try that, if you're reluctant to cut her off completely. Cutting off your ex is a different story--you are more emotionally enmeshed with him, and you will have a very difficult time getting on with your life as long as he's in it.

There's no rule that says every relationship has to be the same. Boundaries that work with a friend might not be enough when you're living with someone.

There's certainly nothing wrong with ending contact with your friend if you feel she's toxic to you, or you don't want to go to the trouble of trying to set boundaries with her, or if you've tried and she consistently disregards them. Just suggesting you don't HAVE to cut off contact with one person just because you did with someone else.
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Old 08-14-2016, 04:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
Oh, thank goodness. I got nauseated a little when I read your post about wavering.

You're recovering, too...and that comes first. Active addicts are drowning and they will take you down with them without a moment's hesitation or concern.

Keep swimming for shore.

Sending you a hug.

P.S. Have you blocked him yet? Because the next round will be, "Well since you're not coming back to support me I have no one and nothing to live for so I will drink myself to death and it will be [I]your fault.[I]
Thanks Aries,

I have now blocked him and I feel better for it as I'm not nervous to look at my phone anymore. I know that if I didn't I would end up replying to his texts and we know where that would lead. No more! xx
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Old 08-14-2016, 04:09 AM
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I went to an open AA meeting yesterday as there are very few Al-anon meetings around here. I found it very helpful but I'm not sure of the rules...am I meant to just listen or am I allowed to share?

I've been to a fair few AA meetings in the last few years, first with axbf until he decided he hated them and then I started going by myself but I've never asked what the etiquette is.

What I found most helpful was most sharers were talking about how they came to AA, how they were against it at first but now they wouldn't be without it. They confirmed my belief that the A has to do it for themselves not for someone else...because one bloke was saying he made the mistake of first going for his wife...which is what my axbf has always said to me...I will go if you come with me, I will go if you come back etc etc etc. I now know I'm right in standing my ground.
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Old 08-14-2016, 04:21 AM
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I am absolutely convinced that his recovery will have very little if anything to do with you, and will not be sustainable if he does it "for you." No one can predict or control that little glimmer of spiritual awakening in another person.

My AH began a 4 year period of sobriety one random day. I suspect it had something to do with some words he said to my son that he may have regretted, but he never shared with me why he woke up one day and said "Enough!"

I love the idea that it's all on the alcoholic to choose recovery, because it takes such a load off my shoulders to feel any responsibility for their recovery. OTOH, I also firmly believe that the BEST thing you can do for them is to live your own life.

I would definitely say that includes keeping your family close--good for you for not tolerating his abuse with regard to your family.
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Old 08-14-2016, 05:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Katetheo View Post
I went to an open AA meeting yesterday as there are very few Al-anon meetings around here. I found it very helpful but I'm not sure of the rules...am I meant to just listen or am I allowed to share?
It's inappropriate for someone not an alcoholic (or concerned about his/her own drinking) to share at an AA meeting. At some meetings, they will go around the rooms to give everyone a chance to share, or randomly call on people--in those instances you can just say "pass" or "I'm just here to listen."

It's perfectly fine to talk with people before and after the meeting, though--if someone had a particularly interesting or helpful share, you can go up (and I'd mention the fact that you are a partner, not an alcoholic) and talk to that person.

Just not appropriate for during the meeting--however much you feel the urge to share. Save it for your next Al-Anon meeting. The AAs are concentrating on how to get sober and stay that way, and as a non-alcoholic, you can't contribute to that.
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Old 08-14-2016, 05:41 AM
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You sound great...thank you for checking in.
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Old 08-14-2016, 06:10 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
It's inappropriate for someone not an alcoholic (or concerned about his/her own drinking) to share at an AA meeting. At some meetings, they will go around the rooms to give everyone a chance to share, or randomly call on people--in those instances you can just say "pass" or "I'm just here to listen."

It's perfectly fine to talk with people before and after the meeting, though--if someone had a particularly interesting or helpful share, you can go up (and I'd mention the fact that you are a partner, not an alcoholic) and talk to that person.

Just not appropriate for during the meeting--however much you feel the urge to share. Save it for your next Al-Anon meeting. The AAs are concentrating on how to get sober and stay that way, and as a non-alcoholic, you can't contribute to that.
Thanks Lexie, I thought that was the case, which is why I've always just listened but it's good to know for sure.
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Old 08-14-2016, 07:03 AM
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My friend taught me a really good trick to help with not wanting to go back.
It helped me tremendously.

When you start thinking about the nicer parts of the relationship, a good memory, counter it immediately with one of the bad memories, something terrible you experienced. This helped me to keep my thoughts balanced when I left. So, when I thought about some funny laughs we shared I also thought about his angry face slobbering and yelling when drunk. That help to give me a dose of reality when i was heading towards fantasy-land.

Stay strong, sounds like your parents really love you!
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