Back after 5 years.....
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
Back after 5 years.....
Five years ago, out of sheer self-survival, I went "no contact" with my drug-addicted son. After a year and a half, he reached out to me. He had found a place to live, had a good job, and had started a Methadone program. I was cautious but watched as his life got better and better.
He had never stopped drinking as that "was not his problem," and about a year ago, he started drinking heavily. He walked out of his job because he "felt insulted." He got another job, but was fired within a few weeks.
I have maintained a relationship with him over the year, but, twice lately, he had been drinking and became verbally abusive. The last time, I just walked away, and he said, "I can play this game better than you......"
I have spoken to him only once since then, and it was terribly strained. Today, I received a text from him that said, "We need to find a way to get through this...."
I wanted to get some feedback from others before making a decision as to what to do. My friends in the program say, "Protect yourself at all costs." How do I do that without going "no contact" or is it possible?
He had never stopped drinking as that "was not his problem," and about a year ago, he started drinking heavily. He walked out of his job because he "felt insulted." He got another job, but was fired within a few weeks.
I have maintained a relationship with him over the year, but, twice lately, he had been drinking and became verbally abusive. The last time, I just walked away, and he said, "I can play this game better than you......"
I have spoken to him only once since then, and it was terribly strained. Today, I received a text from him that said, "We need to find a way to get through this...."
I wanted to get some feedback from others before making a decision as to what to do. My friends in the program say, "Protect yourself at all costs." How do I do that without going "no contact" or is it possible?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hunny, I think that, for each person, you have to decide how much contact..or not....works for you. I know that this is a much more wrenching decision when it is your own child.
With my own son....I would speak to him if he was sober, only. I let him know that I was always here for him to talk to, if he was sober,,and, that I loved him.
I also, had come to the point that he knew that I would never, ever, again, let alcoholism come under my roof. And, that I would not help him with anything if he was not wo rking his recovery in AA. No hard luck storues...no victim stories. If he was down on his luck...he knew that there were shelters, Salvation Army, and, AA on practically every corner.
When he was sober...thank God he is, now....I talk to him from the heart and always share the truth with him. We are very close, now....But, it was years of pure Hell, for many years......
As a mother, my heart goes out to you. as I have been in your shoes more than once......
dandylion
With my own son....I would speak to him if he was sober, only. I let him know that I was always here for him to talk to, if he was sober,,and, that I loved him.
I also, had come to the point that he knew that I would never, ever, again, let alcoholism come under my roof. And, that I would not help him with anything if he was not wo rking his recovery in AA. No hard luck storues...no victim stories. If he was down on his luck...he knew that there were shelters, Salvation Army, and, AA on practically every corner.
When he was sober...thank God he is, now....I talk to him from the heart and always share the truth with him. We are very close, now....But, it was years of pure Hell, for many years......
As a mother, my heart goes out to you. as I have been in your shoes more than once......
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
Yes, dandylion and maia1234, you were both right.
After some soul-searching and honesty with myself, I realized that I had let my boundaries lapse over the past year and begun, ever so slowly, to enable him again.... I was so grateful he had gotten off drugs, I had put blinders on to the behavior that comes with any addiction....
Anyway, I did text him back and said that I loved him and always would, but the alcohol had come between us just as the drugs did years ago. I told him that I would participate if he chose to get counseling, and that I was working my own recovery program again.
His response was, "Unbelievable. You know I don't have money for that." I said, "You can always go to AA," and he responded, "Leave me alone."
Boundaries are hard to implement and hold firm to, in my case anyway, and my son has an uncanny way of manipulating me into abandoning those boundaries. I always have to keep the disease in front of me or it sneaks up again so I'm back working my own recovery.
Thanks for reminding me....
After some soul-searching and honesty with myself, I realized that I had let my boundaries lapse over the past year and begun, ever so slowly, to enable him again.... I was so grateful he had gotten off drugs, I had put blinders on to the behavior that comes with any addiction....
Anyway, I did text him back and said that I loved him and always would, but the alcohol had come between us just as the drugs did years ago. I told him that I would participate if he chose to get counseling, and that I was working my own recovery program again.
His response was, "Unbelievable. You know I don't have money for that." I said, "You can always go to AA," and he responded, "Leave me alone."
Boundaries are hard to implement and hold firm to, in my case anyway, and my son has an uncanny way of manipulating me into abandoning those boundaries. I always have to keep the disease in front of me or it sneaks up again so I'm back working my own recovery.
Thanks for reminding me....
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