Eauchiche

I have decided to block their e-mails and they can't see me on Facebook any more. Of course, as I get little barbs from their extended families, it will take me a little effort to block all them too.

Just this morning I got another toxic e-mail before blocking that sister.

What is the main issue? They have NO CLUE about boundaries.

I have to admit that part of my desire to do all this is rooted in memories of tactics my late parents used to keep us obedient. This included shaming and gaslighting. Now that I realize this, my tolerance level for all that is zero. My sisters and their spouses are acting like a bunch of drunks.

If any of you have had to go wholesale "no contact" with your FOO, I would love to hear about it.

Refiner

I only went full wholesale NC with my sister and I only have one other sibling (my brother with whom I'm close). After my dear Mom passed away (my Dad had already passed), it made it much easier. She had always told me to "be the bigger person" my entire life with my bully, narcissistic sister. After Mom was gone it was easier to say NO MORE.

Expanding

I am limited contact. In the past I tried to develop healthier relationships with them but it didn't work, they are still below the veil.

Now I keep it limited to major holidays IF that, I always go by how I feel. If I feel seeing or being in contact will upset me I just don't do it. It wasn't easy at first because I was wracked with guilt over what I "should" have been doing. It gets easier and the less contact I have I notice a HUGE difference in how I feel. That's what keeps me going

Eauchiche

Of course, the way things have escalated, I am afraid we would end up throwing pie at each other.

I have to confess that I DID answer the toxic e-mail this morning by sending her a Confederate flag with the greeting, "Good morning from the family rebel. I hope you have a beautiful day."

Couldn't resist.....

LeeJane

I went full No Contact with mum and sister. An enormous relief.

With the benefit of hindsight I should have gone NC with my A dad too.

NYCDoglvr

I went no contact with an aunt, who was an addict. I "got it" when my brother visited and I showed him a very nasty birthday card my aunt had sent. "So why are you still hanging on to it?" he asked. Every word out of her mouth was nasty, a put down. I ended up going to her funeral, five years after I went NC.

When you let anyone stay in your life who isn't respectful it's essentially saying it's ok to disrespect you.

DesertEyes

I did. I had been doing the "ACoA tango" where I was the only adult in the family starting from age 12. I finally had enough therapy and recovery in my head to realize that my FOO was like a flame. No matter how much I _wanted_ to fix them I just don't have the power to _not_ get burned every time I allow contact.

It did _not_ work at first. They were like 4 year olds having a tantrum. I had spent do many years responding to their needs that any attempt to change caused them to escalate their demands for attention.

So I changed tactics. Instead of going "cold turkey" I put them on "detox". I put a clock next to my phone and limited them to _one_ hour convos. At which time there would be "somebody at the door", or "bad connection", or some such. Then it was 45 mins, then 30.

email replies? I kept a log of email and how long it took me to respond. I went from "instant answer" to waiting 30 mins, then 2 hours, etc.

It took months. And _I_ "relapsed" more often than they did But it has been _so_ worth it, the power of peace and tranquility in my life is just wonderful.

Mike

Eauchiche

That's it. Thanks so much!!!

Bekindalways

This is a really interesting thread Eauchiche. I have a few family members who I have limited contact.

Soberpotamus

I went No Contact in 2009. I've seen only two family members since then, and that's my grandfather and my father. Only very limited contact with them. A handful of visits and a few phone calls. My father is the mostly benign one of the bunch. My grandfather isn't benign, but ... he's dying. And I keep him at a distance. I will occasional talk on the phone for a few minutes, but even then, I'm very anxious and apprehensive.

The worst part of going No Contact for me has been the total lack of understanding from friends and my husband. It's taken my husband a few years to understand the crazy dynamic. He is starting to understand finally, and doesn't push me to engage with them anymore. He respects my wishes to let them go.

It's hard for outsiders to understand abusive families. They try to relate and, in my own experiences, I've found they want to assure me and make me feel that I have a 'normal' family ... but I just don't. Boundaries were always trampled on in my family... shaming, denial, neglect, verbal abuse... it's not ok.

I really like what NYCDoglvr said above about respect.

I have not regretted going No Contact, but I am haunted by memories.

Eauchiche

Thanks very much to all you folks.
I went for a drive today and had time to process some things.

By the time my mother died, she had mellowed into a sweet little old lady. When she was younger, however, she used her emotions to control me. I was terrified of her. Apparently my sisters learned everything they know from her. With one of the sisters possibly being an alcoholic, this adds fuel to the fire.

Now I get the bright idea, at 57 years old, that I'm done with nonsense like they have dished up to me this week. Of course, this upsets the whole apple cart

Tomorrow is my birthday. What a great gift. Thanks again to you all!

Soberpotamus

Happy early birthday.

Mine was yesterday.

Bekindalways

Happy birthday Eauchiche. It sounds like you have found the perfect gift for yourself.

Some of my experiences have given me a peek into reasons for no-contact with FOO. When I was 25, I witnessed my foster sister hang up on her drunk father. It shocked me as it was so obviously the right thing to do and so unheard of in my own family. Like Soberpotamus said, people don't understand that no-conact with FOO can be exactly the right thing to do.

Along with the example of my foster sister, I worked at a homeless shelter for elderly. Most of these folks had been alcoholic/addicts. Their children had lost contact with them and I could see that this was probably very wise on the part of these adult children.

I'm sure I don't understand completely but I have a bit of an inkling of why folks like you and Soberpotamas do what you do.

Courage, healing and battalions of angels to every one of you here that has to go no contact with your FOO.

Eauchiche

Happy belated to you!!!

MIRecovery

I thought I was rid of my ex after years of NC but was forced again to deal with her during my daughters battle with cancer and death. In the last two days of my daughters life the ex decided I was at her house too much and that my visits should be shorter and if I didn't like it she could not allow me to see her at all because it was her house. She knew that this was the most devastating thing she could do to me and I'm sure she took great pleasure in crushing me.

Get this. Two years after her death I get a friend request from the ex's husband on FB. I was flabbergasted! I'd be friends with Satan before I'd be friends with those Wakos.

It drives sick control freaks nuts when you go NC and they will try anything to bring you back into their sick world

Eauchiche

So sorry about the loss of your daughter!!!

Bekindalways

Wow. Just Wow. Life sure can hurl some horrible at us and sounds like you got more than your fair share MI.

Hugs to you and may you feel the spirit of your daughter in times of need.

redatlanta

I went no contact with a cousin whom I had been extremely close to in child hood through young adult. She is an alcoholic, and has serious issues. Her Father, my Uncle, I also went no contact with, another alcoholic, and crazy. He did something really horrible to my mother, and her sister, after my grandfather died.

I have great memories of them from back in the day before things went haywire.

He's dead, she's still drunk, high , and nuts I hear. It was relieving to end those relationships.

FeelingGreat

I've not had to go non-contact with my family, but I understand how an inappropriate way of relating to your children, siblings etc can drive people away.

A book I often recommend has a section on dealing with demanding relations. The premise was that unless someone found a way of turning the relationship from (for example) parent/child into adult/adult, they would be driven away completely. It then played out examples of dealing with a guilt-inducing mother, demanding spouse etc. The idea is that if you can recalibrate the relationship you can still stay in contact because it becomes more enjoyable and rewarding to all parties. The book is 'When I say no I Feel Guilty'. By Manuel Smith.

Of course all bets are off with substance abuse, but if you want to stay in contact without the guilt and grief it might be worth trying assertiveness therapy.

maia1234

Hey E, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

I went nc with axh cousin a year ago January. She is a crazy alcoholic. She would get black out drunk and do horrendous stuff. I Sent her a text, Told her to have a nice life, I want no more contact with her and blocked her. It feels great. I found out recently she was wasted, fell down and broke her arm. Axh took her to the er at 1 am. The joys of being with addicts. ( funny thing is, that axh wants her to pick a day or two a month to get drunk and have a friend over so I guess someone will be there to pick her up when she falls again) omg!!! Crazy alcoholics.

I hope you can eat cake and celebrate tomorrow!! Sending birthday hugs to you!!!