Kids both angry at me
 

I left my AH on May 27- after my youngest left home in November. They are 26 and 28. I thought I did the right thing staying with a functioning alcoholic while they were home- and the right thing for me leaving now. But both kids are angry with me. AH tells them he has quit drinking for the first time in forty years!!!- On his own with a once a week counselor- no AA or rehab. I don't believe it. He tells them he wants to reconcile and I refuse. True. My daughter is still talking with me but is not supportive of me and regularly asks when I will talk with AH again. My son refuses to have anything to do with me. I am heartbroken but I see it as manipulation to get me back. I have a right to live my life my way. Both kids are on their own, independent, and it's not like we spent every weekend together or anything. They have their own lives. Why are they begrudging me my life? Has anyone been through this and how long did it take for them to see the light? At this point I have so many friends and family who are supportive that I feel like cutting off my daughter- because she lays so much guilt on me. According to her my son is angry at me and he resents the very few attempts I have made to reconnect with him. So I am going to let him go and hopefully one day he will contact me.

I have no words of experience, but this sounds so sad, so I'm sending hugs. It does sound like manipulation to me from the AH.

Q,
You have to do what you have to do. The kids I am sure do not know half of the shxt that you have gone through living with an addict. You don't need to explain it to them either. (I have an aunt who has kept my axh in her will, but she has no idea the abuse that I took from him, and I will not share it)

The kids want a perfect loving family. Living with an addict is never going to be a perfect family. You did what you felt was best by waiting till the kids left and you got out. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I would reach out to an alanon meeting or a addiction therapist to support you over the next couple months. The next phase in your life is about you getting healthy not him.

I think that it is wonderful that ah has stopped drinking. But alcoholism is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. I hate to say but stopping drinking is only one part of the process. He currently is nothing but a dry drunk, same person, just not drinking, so nothing has changed in your life or his.

Keep posting, read the stickies on the top of the page. Educate yourself about addiction. I would not engage in the nastiness of your kids, they are hurt and just lashing out at you. I would recommend that your kids reach out for support from an adult children of alcoholic parent forum. There is help for everyone. Let your kids vent, tell them you hear them and you are getting therapy. End of discussion.

Sending hugs my friend, I have no regrets leaving my axh after 34 years together. Life is calm, and quiet, I am sure you deserve it!!

qtpi.....you have a right to live your life....just as they do....

Now would be a good ti me for you to get a good therapist to guide you...as this is very painful for you, I am sure.....

Adult Children of Alcoholics would be very helpful...even transforming, for your children.....if they would be willing to go.....

dandylion

I am sorry you are going through this. I think this is a situation where "more will be revealed". Even if he has quit drinking, he is not in recovery. I think the chances of him picking up again are high. While the kids are upset now, I think they will eventually come to see your side.

When I was in college, my mom picked up and left my dad. I was around 23 at the time. I will share with you what I was feeling.

I felt abandoned. We had all of this family time together at holidays, etc. That would all change. I also felt overwhelmed that my sister and I were being left to "take care" of my very needy father.

She did come back home, at our encouragement. I feel she has always regretted that because they are very different people, and honestly, she would have been much happier if she had stayed away.

I think the 20's is a very selfish time. You think of how things affect YOU, and many have not yet reached the maturity to look at the grand scheme of things.

I would be truthful and tell them that you love them, but that you deserve to pursue your own happiness as well. In time, I bet they will make peace. It may take a while, but they have not yet accepted it.

Hugs. I am sorry you are going through this.

I don't believe he has stopped drinking. I think he was still drinking. He didn't throw out any of his booze. And now that I have left, there is no reason to stop.

Thank you hopeful. This makes perfect sense to me what you said. I love my kids so much that I am tempted to go back just for them. But I won't go back- it is time for me to have a good life. Ironically i can guess they see me as selfish for my decision when I stayed so they would not have go to their father's for visitation. I went to a lawyer and he told me alcoholics are not denied visitation so I stayed.

I agree -if he hasn't already- chances are high he will relapse. I am not willing to play Russian Roulette with my life!!!

Change is always difficult for all involved and no matter how old children get they still don't want their parents not together. Right now he has them believing he is sober- but we all know that an alcoholic cannot keep up that lie forever. What do you think will happen when your children see the truth of the situation? The more they see him drinking and not changing, the more they will mostly start to realize you were right and that they had been fooled. No one likes to be lied to, and he is prob. laying on the trash talking and saying how well he is doing and the more he lies the harder he will fall.

Your post was filled with healthy choices and wow is your recovery shining through. I also think a counselor would be a good idea to help you navigate this time, it can't hurt can it? I have found my counselor has helped me find healthy ways to handle different situations and that is invaluable to me.

Be kind with yourself and lean on your strong supportive system right now. You have EVERY right to do what is best for you. Everyone is in charge of their own life and their own decisions, and in the end we only get one life so keep following what you know is right for you.

HUGS

don't go back for them! It will not help them....and it will not help you....

dandylion

I am seeing a counselor, and he is very good. I have only three paid sessions left- then my insurance won't cover him- out of network and if I apply for reimbursement- AH gets the money, not me- so I need to make really good use of the three sessions I have left!!!

qtpi....after your sessions are used up....I think it might be a good idea to join a divorce support group....
An internet search will tell you what is in your community.....
Some type of support group is the way to go.....
there are many kinds, these days....It would do you a world of good!

dandylion

Big hug to you qt.. Mothers just seem to have it the worst closely followed by fathers.

I'm an old spinster lady so don't have any advice just a "Boy howdy does that sound hard."

It sounds like you are doing the right thing along with seeking help. Big, big hug!

What a strong woman you are, keep moving forward and eventually your kids will catch up. Try and detach from your daughters quilt, keep your conversations with her short and positive and when she brings up your ex its time to nicely end the call. And remember you do not always have to answer when she calls, if your not up to dealing with the drama then don't answer.

Eventually your kids will see the truth. But right now even if they don't see it, you are teaching them that serenity from alcoholism is a healthy choice.

((hugs))

qtpi, I think the worst you can do is act guilty or apologise, or even spend too much time explaining. You have a right to your life free from alcoholism, you know it and you have made your decision. Your AH made his decisions as well.

It would make sense to ask your daughter, and son if he starts speaking to you again, not to pass on 'messages' from AH. He's clearly manipulating them to get to you and he's quite capable of contacting you if he has something to say.

You had good reasons for staying as long as you did, but it was your decision, so don't expect gratitude, at least not at this stage of your life.

Congratulations on acting so decisively, and I hope your children calm down and become more understanding soon.

Thanks to all. You have been so helpful. I want to reread this thread again and again. Atelose that was a good suggestion- to tell my daughter I am ending the call if she brings up her father- I hadn't thought about that before but it make so much sense. Life is so good right now and I will not look backward. I was wondering if there is a forum for people like me who have left abusive spouses because he was definitely abusive and I am recovering from that too.

I think Hopeful has made some really good points. Couple more.

Their father could be calling and crying and whining to them. Imagine the tables turned and HE left, and YOU were the one hurt. You were the one crying (I get in reality you would not have been). Children can be very protective of their parents. They see things very black and white. Mom leaves dad = Dad very hurt.

Easiest answer for THEM, mom returns to dad, and its no longer their issues to deal with.

I think you should spend some of your last 3 sessions discussing with your therapist how to handle this situation with your kids specifically not speaking with them about their father. I am not sure right now that adding restrictions onto an already difficult situation would be the best idea for YOUR relationship with THEM.

Who else are they to talk to? it should not be their responsibility to deal with him but they have taken it on - do you not see its very tough to be in the middle as a kid with parental marital issues. What should happen is they lay their boundary with HIM to not discuss YOU or your divorce. That needs to be done. Maybe your therapist can offer some suggestions how to approach that with them.

No, don't go back under any circumstance. The kids will get over it and they will get tired of him dumping on them eventually.

qtpi.....you can do a google search and find sites that have forums such as you are asking about.
In fact, if you contact your local dv organization...they have support groups for those who have been through abuse....

dandylion

qtpi,

I had kids that turned against me after I moved out. This was after several years of them telling me to move out. I moved out when my youngest was 21 yrs old.

Things between them and me changed immediately. It was all my fault. Then my oldest daughter even filed for a Restraining Order against me. Said I called DYFS (CPS) on her, I didn't. That was in 2009.

I have been going through ups and downs since then. Sometimes they talk to me, sometimes they don't.

Best thing I learned was to "Let go, Let god". I'm just going to say that sometimes we want things the way we want them and we want them "now". Forget all of that.

If they call, you answer the phone, (if you want to). Be pleasant, don't talk about him. If you want to call, and they don't answer, don't get upset. (Easier said then done). Then don't call back repeatedly. (These were many of the mistakes that I made, and I am asking you not to make them also).

I want to tell you something else. After I left, one of my kids told me that "dad was finally acting like a dad and they liked it". Just think about that. In my case my kids finally got a dad after I left, even though I was there for them all the time. They reach back to me once in awhile. I'm the one they trust that would never leave them.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

amy