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Old 07-26-2016, 12:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Getting back with alcoholic ex husband


Hi all,

I'm here because I need your help. Today I received shocking news and I don't know what to do, because now I need to do my best... or at least something meaningful to help my mother. I will tell you the story:

My father is an alcoholic, plain and simple, the man has drown himself for his whole adult life, he is 55 now. My mother left him and divorced him 20 years ago, to protect me and my brother... because he would not only drink and all thet it involves, he would hit my mother and abuse her emotionally as weel; he also lost our house (he drank the money that he supossed to be depositing in the bank... for years... without anyone realizing) and started physically abusing my older brother, at that moment mymother made the decision and left him. She raised us all by herself as my father can barely take care of himself and doesn't even eat, he is no more than 45 kgs now.

Now... today... I receive a call from my mom saying she is getting back together with him... after 20 years!!! I'm just shocked... she would always say how bad she did before that ended marrying him long years before... so this is just nonesense! She says she is lonely, she doesn't have friends as she spent all his life working and taking care of us alone, she doesn't have family as her parents are senile and sick... I left and moved overseas and my brother is in another city studying. She is unenployed now and she says this is the best decision possible, that she always did everything in her life for others and this is something for herself, that she doesnt have money or anyone now, so they are both alone and can make each other company.

Life cannot be like this for her, I need to do something but she closes the door to me now and doesn't want to hear.

Any word from you is appreciated.

Thank you all
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Old 07-26-2016, 12:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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welcome,carmilla!
2 things that were, andcan still occasionally be hard for me to admit and accept:
im powerless over other peoples' choices

i cant control someone elses choices.

its not always easy to let the people i love live the life they want to live, but i have no serenity or peace when i try to get them to make the choices i feel they should.
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Old 07-26-2016, 01:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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The hardest thing to accept (or at least for me) is that I was powerless and that I could say my opinion but if the person doesn't want to hear it then I have to step back and accept that it is not my job to run someone else's life- that they have to make their own decisions just as I make my own decisions. I know your first reaction is to do something, stop this from happening, get her to open her eyes and remember how bad it was and how most likely nothing has changed and that she is reintroducing a man who abused her and her son into her life...but you can't stop it from happening.

What you can control is how much you allow the situation to affect your life. Even though you won't be the person living with him, it could still take over your life and can affect your mental and physical health. It might be a good idea to reach out to people who you know will be there for you and set up a healthy support group you can lean on. It might also be a good idea to set up some boundaries and decide to what extent you will allow something you can not change to run your life. I am one of those people who recommend counseling for any and all situations but it could really help to have an unbiased opinion and that can let you know when you are obsessing over the situation or letting it affect your health.

I will be praying for your family and for your mother. I am so sorry that you are faced with making the decision of do you let it consume you or do you step back and have to accept that you can't control it. I know it is hard and easier to say then do, but it might be a good idea to think about what you are going to say to your mom before you say it and ask yourself am I saying something that is trying to control my mother's life or am I saying something that is healthy and being there for your mom when she needs someone to lean on in this stressful situation.

HUGS
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Old 07-26-2016, 01:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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As sad as it is there is nothing you can do.

It sounds to me that your mother is doing this because of finances. They may have come to an agreement for her to help him physically as it sounds he is in bad shape.

Her life, her choice.
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Old 07-26-2016, 02:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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My mom didn't leave my dad because of the drinking, per se, but because of the violence. She wanted to protect me and my brother. That didn't work out so well, but she did try.

My mom is also incapable of seeing her own part of the problem. She doesn't know what "codependent" means and in her world that means the term can't possibly apply to her. She feels she "got rid of her problem" when she left my dad. Really she just transferred all of her codependent energies into other relationships.

It sounds like your mom still loves your dad, despite everything. Since he's basically helpless now she is probably experiencing a lot of guilt about what she probably thinks of as "abandoning" him.

I know you are scared for her, and that's understandable. You are a loving daughter. But this is her journey. You can offer her support and comfort. Has she ever been to an Al Anon meeting? Maybe you could see if she would be willing to attend one. That would be a good way to help her deal with not only this situation, but also provide her the opportunity to build a support system of people who will understand her situation and break her isolation a little bit.
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Old 07-26-2016, 11:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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It sounds like your mom is lonely and doesn't have the tools or knowledge on how to ease that feeling in a healthy way. i.e.: How to Make Healthy Friends.

I also think al-anon would be a good suggestion to your mom, but also maybe something a little more mainstream and less intimidating, like a book club (free, easy, accessible, large age range) or some other shared interest group in her community so she can get out and meet others and make connections.

Also, I personally think the message is just as important as the delivery. My suggestion to you, is that while you want to protect your mother from future suffering, it sounds like she is really trying to tell you that she is suffering right now. Offer her empathy and compassion before you give her any suggestions or telling her that she's making poor choices. Maybe she really just needs someone to listen to her and maybe your dad is giving her the feeling of being heard that she isn't getting from any other source.
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Old 08-03-2016, 12:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Well, that's hard. I don't know what to advise, but I know what I would do if I were you. I'd accept my mother's choice. Even if it's crazy. No one can make her change her mind but she. As soon as she herself understands the depth of the problem, she'll make a right decision.
You can read about such problems heregettingclose net/brides-of-alcoholics
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Old 08-03-2016, 10:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Has your father gone through periods where he has been sober? Has your mother ever told you the positive things that your father does? I am not trying to suggest that you lower your boundaries or guard. I am trying to figure what truly connects your mother with your dad and if there is anything healthy in their relationship.

I filed for divorce over 2 years ago after my husband got his 2nd DUI. Before that, I got my kids to safety. They went to live at the inlaws over 3 years ago. I spent 3 years of my life commuting to see my kids on the weekend.

It was very lonely. I was darned when I was in a relationship with my husband. I was darned when I was trying to be a single mom pursuing a divorce. I have worked for the same company for the past 13 years (still scared of losing my job because then I would not have the ability to make the best choices for myself). Sometimes I wish I could lose my job, and I would have this husband who would just take care of me.

I do not have luxury to be a stay at home mom. I am very tired. I am tired of being responsible.

My husband's career went downhill because of his drinking. But luckily he found a part time telecommuting job that he could work from his parent's house, and he has been very active and supportive to our young kids. But the best thing is that he has stayed sober.

There was an opportunity for me to work from home at the inlaws house. I put the divorce aside (we could not find an amicable parenting plan that would work when we were living in two different towns), and I live now at the inlaws.

We live in an isolated town. I went for 3 years not being intimate with him. The truth is that I have had one foot in and one foot out. I have set the boundary that we are not going to completely intimate until we go back to counseling.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone or been married to someone? The best advice that I could give you is focus on your own happiness. Work on yourself. Keep your standards high and set good boundaries. Hopefully, dating and marriage will be a lot better for you than for your mother. You are worth it to have a good life.

I would hope that my kids would not have to give me advice when they are older about my dating life. My kids think the world of their dad. They were extremely young when all of crazy things of alcoholism happened. They do not know the truth. I recently got out our wedding video and played it for my kids. I am just trying to introduce the positive things about being married.

Your mom had 20 years to find another guy. It sounds like she did not find someone else. Unfortunately, your life is not like the Bachelorette when you are a mom. You are more careful of who you are in a relationship with. And you really do not want to explain your situation about your kids to just anyone that you would date.

Is your mother planning on getting another job in the future? Or is there a reason why she does not have a job right now? Is she retired?
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