Shes so moody, needs space. What do i do?

Old 07-26-2016, 10:18 AM
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Shes so moody, needs space. What do i do?

I am just wondering....

Back story...I love my alcoholic girlfriend. But I dont love the times that i am not "included" in her world. There are times that she needs to be alone and times when she is moody and short. I cant help but feel lost when these moments hit because I dont live them. As she is new to sobriety....100 days.....I know it is getting so much better. But it still comes and goes fairly frequently.

This is new behavior since sobriety. I want to be supportive so I don't complain. I try to "check in" to get feedback but she doesnt like to talk when she is feeling that way, But it is hard on me. I know I am probably trying to hard to understand something that she doesnt always understand. So i dont want to keep asking. Any thoughts on how should handle these moments are much appreciated? How long does this last?
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Old 07-26-2016, 10:22 AM
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If she is asking for time alone, let her have it. It's not healthy for couples to be enmeshed every second of their lives under the best of circumstances. And recovery, my friend, is far from ideal circumstance.

She's in a fight for her life. She is re-learning how to function in the world without her go-to numbing mechanism. She needs time and space to navigate this. She needs to learn to trust herself.

You, my friend, need to be ok by yourself sometimes, and with not be included in every moment of her life. If you cannot be comfortable with some level of exclusion, you might want to look into codependency and see if anything about it rings true for you.
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Old 07-26-2016, 10:33 AM
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Welcome, and great questions. Us codies will never understand what an addict is going through, only another addict will. She might not want to share this stuff with you and that's ok. Please respect her wishes as this is a one man job, getting sober. Step back and give her space. We enablers are always there to help, but let her reach out when she needs you.

Go and read the new to recovery forum on SR and see how difficult it is to work a program and get sober. Maybe this will give you an insight to what she is going through.

What programs are you working for yourself so that you don't continue to enable your partner. There is a two way street to every relationship and I am sure you can own some of the craziness in your relationship. If she is changing who she is, maybe you could evaluate your contributions to this relationship.

Sending hugs my friend, keep reading and posting.
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Old 07-26-2016, 10:46 AM
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When my ABF went to rehab the first time I bought and read the book "Loving Someone In Recovery" by Beverly Berg.

It describes the situation mentioned about the times when you're partner doesn't want to talk and seems disconnected and offers some insight as to why that is as well as tools you can use to not take it personally.

I enjoyed the book and thought it had some great insight. However, my qualifier did not stay in recovery long so I really couldn't see if any of the things I'd learned would pay off.

But it really helped me to not take everything so personally and to realize that some space was necessary if the relationship is to heal.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 07-26-2016, 10:50 AM
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First of all.....this is pretty much normal for the next several months....

LOL....I am famous for saying that newly sober alcohoics should live separately from their loved ones for at least a year.....
Why?.....because they are so miserable within themselves, much of the time....and they are miserable for their loved ones to be around......
It takes everything that they have to learn to live without the alcohol to deal with their feelings....
(remember the chimpanzees and the etch a sketch, from your other thread?)
(remember not to poke the bear that is fresh out of hibernation, from your other thread?)......

My advice is to give her a huge amount of space.....and all the time that she wants......
do you all live together?....If so, I would say to treat her like a very distant roommate......and, go about building an interesting life for yourself.....
New hobbies, new friends, new activities...for yourself!

She is building a new life for herself....and, you need to do the same.....
In recovery...both people will (need) to change. And, a whole new relationship has to form....
You will be different...she will be different...and, the relationship will be different......

How much do you really..REALLY know about the first year or two of recovery for an alcoholic??
It would help you to learn all about it....not for her...but, just so that you will know what you are up against....and so that you can stop trying to be a mindreader of her......

First...get a copy of "Co-dependent No More" is a classic, around here. Read it from cover to cover....and, I think that you will find a lot that resonates, for you, there.....
Go to the section of the stickies, called "classic Readings'.....there is a bootcamp of information, collected, there!!

this is for
This should keep you busy and out of her


***that book by Beverly Berg is a good idea, too.....
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Old 07-26-2016, 03:28 PM
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short answer - quit asking and let her be.

longer answer.....just because she is now in recovery, doesn't mean you need to be IN ON it....or "check in" with how she is feeling - you aren't her nurse taking her vitals on rounds. take the approach that her recovery is none of your business.....or like a gym workout - you probably wouldn't grill her on how the ENTIRE workout went, how much weight she used, how many flys she did, etc etc. you'd probably say, how was the gym? if you asked at all.

this is where you get to practice detaching, stepping back and not being so enmeshed. and let her feel what she feels. if she wants space. crowding her isn't going to help. if she's crabby, get out of harm's way!! try not to make this ALL about HERRRRRRR and her sobriety and her your own thing....and treat her like you would any other person, not a Faberge Egg.
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Old 07-27-2016, 05:54 AM
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Agreed--leave her alone. I've lived with people in early sobriety, and it's no picnic. I was glad, when I got sober, I lived by myself--I would NOT have been pleasant company.

Just be pleasant to her, but you also don't have to accept actual rudeness or hostility. But just wanting to have space is neither.

And again, focusing on your OWN issues. You sound a bit on the needy side--which might or might not be a product of living with active alcoholism--but it's not really conducive to a healthy relationship or life.
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Old 07-27-2016, 07:11 AM
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[QUOTEShes so moody, needs space. What do i do?][/QUOTE]

Give it to her.

But it is hard on me. I know I am probably trying to hard to understand something that she doesnt always understand. So i dont want to keep asking. Any thoughts on how should handle these moments are much appreciated? How long does this last?
I think one of the biggest misconceptions the non-drinking/drugging partner has is that once the alcohol/drugs are removed “things will be normal”. Life with an alcoholic/addict is anything but normal.

Anxiety, stress arise when expectations of a normal type of loving relationship with the alcoholic/addict are not met. There is only so much that can be blamed on the booze/drugs the rest are usually the character traits of the person without being under the influence.

Offering her support doesn’t have to be an “action” on your part, you could just be there when and if she needs a listening ear.

I think the last thing a person newly sober needs is pressure about a relationship, they need all of their focus to be on just staying sober.
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Old 07-27-2016, 07:11 AM
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Agreeing with everyone here especially Anvil and Lexie. I know these feelings well and a lot of it stemmed from feeling the need to 'fix' everything for my XAH. I had absolutely no experience with detachment and I'm sure others have just told you to 'detach'. I know it's not that easy. It's a process. That's why Al Anon also follows the 'one day at a time' slogan. We are also distorted in our thinking and it's only through working our own recovery programs that we can learn to detach and then learn to detach with love.

One thing I learned through program is that I don't own anybody and I'm not responsible for anybody else but myself. I had to learn to let people go, physically and mentally and emotionally. I suggest you work on your own recovery, talk to a sponsor or get one if you don't have one already. Be gentle on yourself and learn to become your own best friend. Time spent worrying about others, whom you have no control over truly, is wasted time and time you could be spending on learning more about why you are the way you and deciding what you want and need for a happier and more fulfilled life.
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