This new layer of grief comes with a gift
 

Ouch.

Trying to get back on track. This new layer of grief steered me away for a bit, but with it came a new layer of forgiveness for myself. I finally forgive myself for the way I behaved. I was accepting such full responsibility for what happened between us that I negated big, important factors.

I didn't know I was codependent.
I expressed directly to xabf for years that his drinking habits were not okay with me and bothered me and I went as far as explaining over and over again why they bothered me.
I expressed directly why we weren't having sex anymore, that I wasn't purposely withholding and to have engaged within certain circumstances would have been traumatizing to me.
I begged him to go to couples counseling which we went, but it didn't feel as though real effort was put into it, like he was just going to keep me around but not to actually solve our problems.
He rarely accepted my feelings.
When presented with many practical solutions he bailed.
I lied to him and it was deemed unforgivable, despite the hundreds of broken promises he made to me.
The hypocrisy was simply astounding. Almost jaw dropping at times.

I don't miss having to tell an adult to "say what he means and means what he says"

I don't miss explaining that a relationship is a two way street.

I don't miss being with a partner that never seemed to be fully present.

I don't miss being with a partner that expected me to do all the cleaning, pay half the bills, drive him around everywhere, be super interested in him all the time, make him my world (his words!), all the while maintaining my own interests. He would actually say things like, "I Always wondered what happened to your friends". Maybe I fell out of touch because I was too busy being your surrogate mother!

No wonder I went crazy. No freaking wonder.

He expected one thing then would say another.
Expected me to be home but not be home and have my own life but make him my world.

He was the one that walked out yet was dragging this process out and making it more difficult than it needed to be.

How could any sane person live like that?!

So while I am heartbroken that the sale of this home is not at all what I expected it would be.. it also symbolizes my freedom from this craziness.

If he has been losing sleep or writing me off as "crazy" and "full of drama" that's on him. I dealt with his problem the best way I knew how and when I started to expect more, well, if I ended up acting a little crazy towards the end then so be it! I feel like I've been fighting for my sanity this entire time. I'm realizing just how controlling and dominating he has been this entire time. Any time that I felt as though I had control was just an illusion to appease me and keep the game going. I can really see it now.

His perception of drama was me, trying to hold on to myself. I don't know where I got the strength to keep going and pushing but I did it. Thank goodness. What an effing sh*tshow it has been. I never knew I could be so strong. And unneccesarily so... I don't need to be with someone with a problem. I just don't. Why I made my life so difficult I haven't quite figured out yet. Probably the messages I received from when I was kid that I didn't deserve to be happy but that's an introspection I need to save for another day lol

Thanks for listening

:thanks

Wow, sounds like you're doing great. It's a process, for sure.

Thanks for sharing.

I love this post! So much of what I am feeling, you wrote so eloquently, Expanding.

Thank you!

http://s31.postimg.org/pdzmddgl7/lionmarley.jpg

I lied to him and it was deemed unforgivable, despite the hundreds of broken promises he made to me.
The hypocrisy was simply astounding.

That sounds so familiar. Dealt with that myself.

"His perception of drama was me, trying to hold on to myself."

^^This!!^^ Frrrreeeeedddddooooommmm!!! Better than freedom from him, you have found the freedom to be yourself again. Congratulations to you, Expanding!

Now, do yourself a favor and print your post, or screenshot it, or do something to make it easy to access. Because as you know, grief cycles. You will find yourself in those moments again when you don't want to be strong. And you'll get the amnesia that comes with missing a partner or your past or the fantasy of what could have been. When that happens, open up your post and re-read, and re-read, and re-read.

You get to be yourself again! Enjoy you!

JennyGrace you have no idea! I went from an abusive and controlling FOO to a long term relationship with someone who was controlling but in other ways... it's like I'm free for the first time in 30 years!

I'm riding this high for as long as I can. The lows while grieving are rough man

Yes they Are! But mine need have diminished in intensity and frequency- thand fully.

You should be even more proud then. :) It's more like discovering yourself! You get to uncover all those gifts and talents and joys that are uniquely yours and start to enjoy them now!

Rae is right...the lows will still be low but they will diminish as you get stronger.

Well DAY-UM. Yep - all that, and goosebumps...I think we were dating the same man?!

Those lows are necessary....

they lead to epiphanies from re-establishing your true self...and replace the "drama from trying to hold onto yourself."

Just what I needed to read today!! Thanks Expanding :)