Marie7358

Yup here I am again sitting watching a movie alone because my husband is drunk and off to bed after supposedly "ONLY 2 glasses of wine" lol I just want to laugh, cry, and scream at the same time. Long story short came here while I was engaged didn't listen... Came here again after I believed in myself that he was "hiding drinking" (found mini bottles in the pockets of our winter coats in the back closet ..... My advice please know that if your looking at winter coat pockets for signs that he's drinking behind your back, you ALREADY know that he/she is)

Now almost 11 years together and coming up on 5 years of marriage... I'm alone...again...a hell of my own making.

I was innocent then to the destruction that a person that is addicted can commit over a few short years.

He went to rehab a for 7.5 blissful months after we were back... Back in love and excited about the future. He talked I listened as I had learned at the family sessions and then his childhood best friend got married and so we began the same spiral that we have go thru before. (No liquor just wine I promise <<< hahahhaha what a joke) so now he comes home with two boxes of wine and for some odd reason.....(bout to make a joke) I have a nice glass of wine and then he's drunk stuttering acting like a small child and I tuck him into bed and say to myself oh man that wine must be strong....
It's not strong I just married an alcoholic.

Here's the kicker...
I probably won't leave because of pride and hope that he will get past this... Again. However, I know full well that he may never get healthy and will most likely die too soon. I refrain from saying love because I love him when he is sober... And when he is he is an unbelievable friend, lover, and man.

So my question(s):
Has anyone not listened to their instincts held out hope, and gained their loved one back clean and happy.

If not sober then just was happy with/loved the times he/she is sober and ignored the nights when he/she is not.

How did you find the strength and will to leave the one person who (when sober) makes you feel so strong and able to take on the challenges that life throws at you.

Thank you all in advance!

Marie7358

*Just as a side note- I have Reread my post previous to this one and laugh out loud and then cried again... I was so naive.*

mcm19

I have been trying to live like this the last couple months and, while I love him for giving me some really great days, moments and memories this summer, it's just not enough.

As hard as I try to not be disappointed or take it personally on those other days when it's obvious that he's not sober, I still am. I don't know if it's possible to detach that much. But I'm sure that it's no way to live the rest of my life. Maybe I would accept this for my life if he were my child, I don't know.

For me - I want a partner in this life. I don't expect perfection but I want someone who is there for me more than they are not. And with my addict that just doesn't seem possible anymore.

Better than nothing is no longer good enough for me. And I'd rather be lonely and sad because I'm single than be lonely and sad because I'm in a relationship with an active addict.


My heart goes out to you. And I think deep down you know what you need to do. The hard part is actually following through on that and making a change.

rae145

Here's the kicker...
I probably won't leave because of pride and hope that he will get past this... Again. However, I know full well that he may never get healthy and will most likely die too soon. I refrain from saying love because I love him when he is sober... And when he is he is an unbelievable friend, lover, and man.

So my question(s):
Has anyone not listened to their instincts held out hope, and gained their loved one back clean and happy.

If not sober then just was happy with/loved the times he/she is sober and ignored the nights when he/she is not.

How did you find the strength and will to leave the one person who (when sober) makes you feel so strong and able to take on the challenges that life throws at you.

Thank you all in advance![/QUOTE]
I stayed way too long bc of pride and hope. Married 30+ years.

He never got clean and sober and his behavior intensified.

I tried to ignore the drunkeness, but alcoholism progresses.

I don't think strength or will had anything to do with my leaving.

Good luck

LexieCat

You'll leave when the pain of leaving is outweighed by the pain of staying.

COULD he decide to get sober and "reward" your faith, hope (and pride)? Sure. Probably won't happen until he's done some serious suffering (dragging you along with him). Alcoholics tend not to steer off their path unless/until they are scared and desperate. For some people, that happens when they are going to jail/prison, have received a serious diagnosis, lose their loved ones, lose their jobs/careers.

Some never get there, and they die that way (only after a lot more suffering).

But none of us leaves until WE are hurting enough.

alwayscovering

I am right there with you. I'm sitting in my truck in a church parking lot catching these Pokemon things waiting for his hateful tail to go to bed so I can go home and shower and sleep in my sons room. I think he will never get help because he doesn't see he has a problem. So I will stay until I can't take it anymore and then I will leave. I don't want to, like you I love him when he's sober, we have so much fun. It's this belligerent mr Hyde I can't deal with.

sauerkraut

I noticed that this is how you described your own life while he was in rehab, Marie: "He went to rehab a for 7.5 blissful months ."

Maybe, just maybe, life without him won't be lonely and sad? I know many of us have found that to be true for us.

Katchie

I wish I had a happy marriage ending to share with you, but I don't....well, I left him, the marriage ended, and I feel pretty happy, so I guess it's how you choose to look at it..lol. I had lots of hope but was always disappointed. I shouldn't have been because it was the same ole same ole, not a surprise. Sometimes I think hope misplaced like this is damaging. Our hope should be in the fact that we ourselves can recover, that we CAN have a better life when we set our mind to doing the work to make it happen. You just have to decide what happiness looks like to you and for you and then put your hope and hopeful efforts into making it a reality.

pndm07

I was in the position you are in for years and only now am coming to terms with the fact that I can't live this way. Five years ago I gave my AH his first pass. He went crazy drinking, lost his job, went to rehab 3 weeks and allegedly got sober. I kept him and though (hoped) that chapter would be behind us. About 3 years later he picked up again. My life has been hell over the past year, punctuated with bouts of his sobriety where I convinced myself that everything was fine and as long as he's sober I will be happy.
He picked up last month a few days before I was scheduled for surgery, and that was the last straw. I hope there is a happy ending in that he doesn't die of this prematurely, particularly since we have a child, but I am not fooling myself anymore in counting on him staying sober. There is just no peace living with that sword over the head.

TimeForMe

Hugs to you, Marie. I tried to stay and make it work. I convinced myself I could stick it out. STBXAH went to rehab in 2009 and begged me not to leave while he was there, so I didn't.

He went from no hard liquor to drinking only wine. Then after I left for a few days (about 100 different times), he moved on to only beer. So now he only drinks very fancy expensive craft beer with alcohol content equivalent to wine and thinks it's not an issue. If only I had been nicer and more loving and attentive, I could have made the marriage work! (that's a joke, according to him, it's my fault, I left a "perfect" marriage).

Long story short, they will do what they want, and I will always love him, but I refuse to live like that. Sober, he is a great person. Drunk, I don't want anything to do with him.

Anyway, I left. Probably not the news you're looking for, but your story sounds very much like mine. We're here for you whatever you decide to do.

Berrybean

Some people DO get sober, recovered, and stay in recovery. But they all have one thing in common. They WANT sobriety. They accept that alcohol is destructive to them and they need to stay away from the first drink. Every day. They find the willingness to do what they need to do for a healthy sobriety. Every day.

It doesn't sound like sobriety is on your partners wish list, and you can't do it for him.

hopeful4

If you think you are unhappy now, what's it going to be like when you are there because he can no longer care for himself, is dying and "you are all I have." When guilt is what keeps you. I encourage you to rethink your choices for yourself.

Tight hugs.

NYCDoglvr

Denial and rationalization keep us stuck in impossible relationships. Alanon was a huge help for me, helping me to accept the situation as it was and take care of myself. I recommend it.

maia1234

Marie,
We feel your pain. We had an A post on the f&f forum recently and he had some great comments. I will post them below.

You don't just become addicted to the substances, but also to the people and the lifestyle, the chaos, the drama, the highs and the lows.

Quitting meant giving up my relationship, moving, having to get new friends, leaving a lifestyle I was familiar with and having to get familiar with a whole new way of living. It meant being responsible and dealing with life on life's terms. The change was far to great for me to deal with and I was not ready to pay the price. Besides I liked getting high.

The alcohol is only a part of the problem for our addicts, and they have to want the whole package when getting sober. Sending hugs my friend, it is very hard what you are going through.

honeypig

Being single absolutely does not mean one must be "lonely and sad." On the contrary, I think you'll find many here who are much LESS lonely and sad on their own than they were while in a "relationship" w/an active A.

Part of my recovery is learning that I'm a person in my own right, whole, intact and sufficient. I don't need to be a reflection of or complement to someone else in order to exist.

mcm19

Honeypig, I think you are quoting me there and what I meant to say you were able to say much better.

I meant that I might be lonely and sad right after the breakup but even that is not as lonely as spending a night with someone who is completely passed out. For me that reached a new level of loneliness that I hadn't felt before.

honeypig

I hear you, mcm^^, I surely do hear you!

hopeful4

This!

There has NEVER been a more lonely time in my life than when I was with my XAH. I spent time hiding all of my own feelings, and covering for his bad behavior. Spent many nights just avoiding him, alone, because I did not want anyone to know.

I am single....and I am free. Free to enjoy my own life, to create my own happiness!

LucyGoosey

"How did you find the strength and will to leave the one person who (when sober) makes you feel so strong and able to take on the challenges that life throws at you."

I became the one person strong enough to take on life's challenges. I stopped thinking a sick alcoholic who was struggling to keep anything on track in his life had any power over my life and happiness.

I would have loved nothing more than for him to get sober and our relationship to work out. Unfortunately the reality was quite far from my hopes and dreams.

Counseling, al anon and reading anything I could find on alcoholism were all helpful.