He's upset because he got what he wanted

Old 07-25-2016, 05:42 PM
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He's upset because he got what he wanted

How addicts are able to be so unpredictable while being very predictable at the same time really blows my mind.

A little background: I've been dating my ABF on and off for about 2 years. How our relationship has been lately is not how I want to live. I have mentally given him until August to show me he's committed to changing as we have a wedding to attend. I've been working on myself and detaching. I read here every day although I rarely post. I've been going to meetings, reading materials, journaling, etc.

Yesterday we agreed to meet up tonight to discuss some of our specific concerns if we are going to commit to this relationship. I, of course, took this seriously, put thought into what I'd say, and ended up writing down almost 2 pages of just thoughts and what I want in a relationship. He, well, he had a doc appointment in the morning that he was so tired from that he basically slept all day. So I knew that wasn't a good sign of things to come.

I asked him several times if he was up for talking tonight and kept getting the "I'll let you know" response. Well I could see where that was going and "played the tape through" so to speak. I didn't want to be irritated by him and let it ruined the night so I finally just said "ok well you get some sleep tonight and we'll try for tomorrow." Then he just kept saying we'll "I'll still let you know later" and then started texting random stuff.

I then said that if he was too tired to sit down and talk with me then I would prefer to just say goodnight now and not text all night. He started going off like "I can't believe you're going to start on me now" etc. then finally he just said this was suspicious since it sounds like I'm upset. I said, "well I am disappointed but I'm not going to start a fight about it. I'm changing how I used to respond when I am upset"

He said, "I don't think that'll last"

Omg. I just laughed so hard when I read it. Like effffffffffffff off! You're getting your way. Go do what you want to do! I'm glad I'm laughing and not crying right now. Progress not perfection. I think I'm getting there.

Just wanted to share in case anyone can relate because I know I always reading about the quacking of other As
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Old 07-25-2016, 06:21 PM
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Good job!
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Old 07-25-2016, 06:30 PM
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As can be infuriating. You realize there's a problem and instead of being solution based with you they fight the solution! I feel you!

My ex was the one to walk out the door yet he's been very snarky and rude whenever possible; saying that he can't wait to be done with me, even though he replaced me the same night he left. It makes me scratch my head it's so backwards

They defy logic. They can't accept reality because if they do then they'll have to admit there's a problem and goodness knows they can't do that!

Happy to hear you are doing what you have to do for you
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Old 07-25-2016, 08:24 PM
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Well. Oddly enough, I haven't heard anything back from him. I guess I expected more push back or something. I am a little surprised he seems to have respected my boundary so far.

That just goes to show that how much I try to prepare for his response to me, I can never predict what he will do. I've been wasting my time.

So I'm going to make some tea and go to bed. I had a quiet and peaceful night. I'm trying to not let my mind wander into obsessing over what he might be doing. Time will tell.

Thanks for listening and the support.
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Old 07-25-2016, 08:43 PM
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It sounds like you're making progress in recognizing the patterns and not getting sucked in. I remember when I started being able to detach from my STBXAH's quacking rather than engaging and getting upset; that's when I was able to see it/hear it for what it was.

Recently I had two friends over, one of whom got quite drunk and verbally abusive. The other friend (who grew up with an A dad) and I just mollified her and let her be, recognizing that anything we said could and likely would exacerbate the situation. It was reassuring to be in that situation with someone else who knows the ropes; we exchanged glances of recognition over our poor friend's head.
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Old 07-25-2016, 09:42 PM
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Thank you for sharing. I know where you are coming from. Whatever way it goes, the A is not happy. Still looking to fight.
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