manda587

Hi guys, a bit of background info

I had an alcoholic boyfriend - lived with him. I've never had experience with an alcoholic before, I always thought if you were an alcoholic, you were the people you saw on Intervention. A year and a half into the relationship (ugh I know, so naive), I found out he is a "functioning alcoholic". Before I was aware of such a thing, I remember I would tell certain people and myself that he isn't a full blown alcoholic, he has a drinking problem. That's how clueless and little I knew about this problem.
The way he treats me and even acts when he drinks is just insane. It is night and day. He is probably the worst, cruelest person I've known when he's drunk. And he would just put me down and tell me I am a selfish, horrible person. And I would just be stunned. I'm no saint, but I'm not a yeller when I'm arguing - I let things go easily, and I don't name call. So it just really puts you through a lot when you really believe you're a good person, and you're going above and beyond to not be mean or crazy and he calls you a psycho and worse.
About 6 weeks ago I broke up with him for the final time (the longest I've broke up with him is 3 days). I just can't do it anymore. I've been through the cycle plenty of times now: me leaving, him promising more every time, and he's good for a few days or two weeks and it goes back.
I'm 29 and back at my parents house. Very humbling lol. But the hurt of what I went through has been getting worse as time goes on. I thought it would heal, but it's getting worse. So I went to my first al-anon meeting last Saturday. And went to church a couple hours later, so I have been a mess all weekend cause that has stirred everything up to the surface.

I've poked around a few posts, and it's just insane the stuff some people say that they deal with, how the alcoholic acts, and I just feel like stunned like omg it seriously was not just him, was not just my situation. I'm not saying that I felt that I was the only one, I know that there are TONS of people who are affected by alcoholics. I just mean when I see a post about the alcoholic's reaction and his tendencies and I'm like wow! I don't think I'm explaining it right, I just feel so good to know that I have fellow people who truly understand the deep hurts and damage we go through

I just feel really fortunate to be able to read other posts and talk to you guys and hopefully get some healing

LexieCat

Welcome, glad you found us. Keep it up with Al-Anon, too. There is great power in knowing you're not alone, and even MORE power in learning how to heal.

Katchie

Hi manda, big hugs! You're doing all of the right things, so hang in there! And really, good for you. So many are stuck in that kind of relationship for so long. I'm so happy for you that you have taken action AND see the damage that the relationship with an active alcoholic has caused you and you've made steps to heal.

Bekindalways

Welcome Manda! And congratulations for getting away. Leaving is really difficult for many of us as these relationships can wind up being a type of drug of choice!

You may have already experienced this: the A usually will try to get you to come back. The other expectation is that they replace you with someone else (sigh. another humbling experience - argh).

Let us know how you are doing.

mcm19

Welcome. I just wanted to respond to let you know that I understand what you were trying to say. Sometimes it can feel like we must be living in an alternate universe or are going crazy. Especially, if we have no prior experience with addiction.

You're definitely not alone. Hugs to you for wanting better for yourself.

Wells

Welcome and congratulations on your courage to take that first hard step. Sorry you have to be here but you have picked a wonderful place to come and share.

manda587

Aw thank you guys

Yeah, we were talking in between and hanging out. He told me he wanted me back, told me he'll finally go to counseling. I told him he had to be 100% sober for at least a year for me to move back in, and this time (since I'm christian) I'm not moving in with someone until I'm married.
And really that scared me, because how am I to trust him that he's truly sober if I don't live with him and be able to monitor it (which I've read in the al-anon pamphlets that you're not supposed to be monitoring hehe oops). So I think I always had it in my mind that I wasn't going to get back together with him, but idk, it is hard just all of a sudden not seeing someone anymore. I've always struggled with that aspect of breaking up with someone. So it was kind of like easing myself out of it.
But yeah, last weekend he told me that he can't do it anymore unless I move in or give him some hope. Said he's just gonna go back to his ways. I told him he could find hobbies besides bars. He also said he thought he could but he can't be with anyone unless they have sex with him. He said he's not getting any benefits. ...oh well buddy.
See, I've really changed this time around. Idk if you're allowed to mention religion, but having God really helps me see past just my life and my feelings, and to have hope for a better life. So this time I really am done. And finding al-anon and a forum where other people go through the same cycles and hurt, it's just really helping a lot

So anyways, bekind, yeah that part is terrible. I know he can't be alone so I know he's out at the bars, probably not there to look, but I'm sure he'll find someone to start dating again real soon. It stings

LexieCat

Breakups hurt, no matter what the reason is. Your pain WILL pass.

You're doing all the right stuff--the only thing additional I would suggest is ending contact with him. It just sort of drags things out and plays with your emotions.

hope778

Hey, manda - welcome! And no, you are not alone. Sorry you're going through this.

We suppress things for so long when with an alcoholic/addict. This isn't healthy - it is quite the opposite. When you have a moment away from the chaos, your mind starts to do what it NEEDS to do in order to heal from the trauma, and that is start processing what it is that you have just been through. I think that is why you may feel it is getting worse, not better. Because you are now facing it instead of suppressing it. It is part of the healing process, and will make you stronger. Choose to face as much as you can at a time, process it, then divert your attention to something more relaxing, or to an activity you enjoy. Take the time to allow this healing to happen, and you will not regret it in the end.

manda587

hope - wow that really makes sense. I had no idea about this disease, and I am just learning so much every single day and I'm not even with him anymore! It's so crazy. I am ready to heal!!

lexie - yes I agree I have unfortunately been learning that. I am getting the rest of my stuff tomorrow, and the only thing I'll have left before I can cut ties forever is my $1500 sled is still there - I have to sell it, no way am I letting him take that money. And I also let him borrow $300 a few weeks ago, and once he sells his boat, he'll be giving me that back

Thank you all who replied <3

CentralOhioDad

The $300 might be gone forever - just saying. That can buy a decent amount of booze for him.

LexieCat

Yeah, I never got a penny of the several thousand my second alcoholic husband owed me. Not worth stressing over. Kiss it goodbye, and you can be happily surprised if you get it back.

atalose

Make whatever arrangements you need to make to bring that sled over to your parents’ home and be done with him and this toxic relationship.

manda587

Well yeah last night didn't go so well. I got there, I'm sure he had been drinking because of the way he acted. He seemed fine at first though. We started with getting the big furniture on the dolly, and he started lifting it, he said here you lift the dolly like this and I'll get it on there. Well I apparently tilted it too high. Idk I've never used one of those things! Oh he was so agitated. Finally he just ended up yanking the piece of furniture off the dolly and dragged it off the porch with like 3 or 4 steps and into the uhaul himself. That was a really heavy tv stand, big with a built in fireplace. So yeah, a couple of things ended up breaking off of that. I started crying, called my ma asked if I should call the cops, said he's breaking everything. I called the cops and then quickly hung up because he had moved almost the rest of my stuff in that time frame. I just wanted to get out of there. He moved that tv stand, a TREADMILL, and my dvd case that goes almost floor to ceiling by himself. And yep that tv stand broke as well.
At that point, I really didn't care about getting the money back, I just wanted to get out of there and never deal with him again. I texted him to keep the sled, keep the money he owed me, and that I'll cancel the cable this weekend (to give him enough time to find another cable company and get his own) and to not worry about the bill.
All he said back was "sounds good to me"

I just have no idea how I stayed with him for so long. I had to deal with this all the time. And thinking about that, I'm just awestruck at how I stayed.

I was a mess that night, but as the hours passed, the better and better I felt. Just knowing it was finally over. I got my stuff which was the last piece of the puzzle. It's all going up from here. Can only get better. And I woke up this morning and just feel so great. Like a huge weight lifted, it's finally done. The money loss kinda hurts, but I don't care enough to do anything about it. I just want it done

hopeful4

I remember when I my X husband was coming to get his stuff out of our house after we split. I was not there (I was not scared of him tearing things up), so I just said go ahead. At that point, I was so broken that I was prepared to come home to nothing and that be completely OK. I just wanted to be DONE. Same with my divorce. I sucked up HUGE amounts of money that he should have had to pay just to get it done, and get it done quickly.

I get you. I am sorry this happened, but I am super happy that you will be moving on to a happier life!

atalose

Very glad you are out and are looking back into the relationship through different glasses which give you the ability to see things you were unable to see then.

I hope you have blocked him from contacting you so that you can FINALLY be done and move on and do some work on you so that the right relationship can come along.

Wells

Don't be surprised if he is sugary sweet to you or attempts to contact you again in the future. Most here recommend no contact at all and just blocking any text/phone calls/deleting emails/social media/etc. I agree that is the best way to heal (contact brings up old wounds) but it's not as easy as it sounds especially if they want back in.

In my experience they ride the same rollercoaster you. Some days they are defiant, some days angry, some days sad, some days sweet, some days regretful, etc. You will likely feel these same emotions. I had a similar experience when my ex was moving out to what you had. She got angry and just wanted it to be over, same as he did, but then later I think regretted that and I'm sure he will regret it as well.

I can relate to what you said about being hopeful but you are on point with what you boundaries are and they are good. The one year rule has worked well for others around here for recovery. It gives them, and you, time to reflect and determine what you both want for the future. After a year, you will be in a better spot to know what you want. And you don't have to monitor behaviors, though I had the same thought -- If I give them a year, and a year passes, and we meet up and they tell me "I haven't had a drink in a year!" how will I know? I think you just would. In most cases, you'll have moved on by then, but in those cases (and I've read about some here) where recovery is truly happening, you'll know that too.

Probably the biggest takeaway I've gotten out of all this and has given me peace is that I had to finally realize, that there is absolutely no amount of threats, ultimatums, promises, gifts, second/third/fourth chances, that you can give someone with a drinking problem to make them change. Nothing you can do, all the way to leaving them homeless, penniless, moving to another continent, will make them stop. I have seen people here who said they were told "if we get back together, I'll stop, but if we don't, I'm going to keep drinking." Let me translate that for you.

"If we get back together, I'm going to stop for a little while, but intend to go back to drinking either in secret or in the open once I feel I can handle it and am comfortable again, because I only stopped in order to get you back, not because I wanted to stop for my own health/happiness. If we don't get back together, I'm going to keep drinking, but that's what I intend to do regardless, because I like drinking, and I'm not ready to give it up."

All the success stories I have read here have come from folks whose qualifier has determined that they have had enough of the issues that the booze has brought into their life, and have wanted a change. They have wanted to change whether they get their SO back or not -- Quitting drinking can't be a condition to continue a relationship (as much as I tried to make it be over the years), because it's just a delicately built house of cards just ready to fall down at the slightest tremor. Real recovery is someone who decides that regardless of where they are in life tomorrow, or who they are with, that they just don't want to deal with the consequences and destruction that alcohol has brought to their lives. The benefits of the buzz and the party begin to pale in comparison to the overall quality of life and that's the awakening that needs to take place in order to turn the corner.

I know I speak for myself that I hope my ex gets there someday. You may hope the same for yours too. The best thing I have learned so far here is that one person can make that decision on their own without any influence, and that's them.

Hope you are doing great today! Come talk to us anytime.

abp280

Hi Manda and welcome. I'm so sorry you dealt with that but you are definitely doing the right thing by getting help.

manda587

Hopeful, thank you for sharing a bit of your story I'm really happy, too

Wells, I agree. I call that "the cycle" I'm fully understand the cycle now, been through it too many times now. He would say/do anything to get me back and then slowly everything creeps back

I don't think he'll be wanting me back though. Whether he truly thinks it or not, whenever he drinks it's like he looks down on me and I just don't think he likes me at all. So I just don't think he'll be coming around again. He did try and get me back for about a month, but I am pretty sure that phase is over. And thank god for that.

I saw on another thread about a book called Why Does He Do That and I'll be ordering that on thriftbook, I'm really looking forward to reading that