waiting0715

A month ago I met this guy. It was a dating website that we both were treating very casual for attention I suppose. We decided to meet bc we were having so much fun talking and getting to know each other. We thought it was worth a shot. He lives an hour and a half away but had no hesitation driving to take me out for our first date. As soon as we met each other it was love at first sight. Just instant sparks. He's everything I was looking for and I was for him. We had dinner and the first thing he wanted to talk about was why I was single and he couldn't believe at 30 I hadn't been married yet. I mean that was nice to hear, I'm just independent and picky and tell guys to hit the road a lot. But he stuck out to me and I wanted him. The rest of the date was like something out of a movie. We bought fireworks and drove out into the country to sit on his tailgate and shoot them off. We sat out there for hours under the stars talking and bonding over things, just building that connection. I was already really feeling it but I was a little unsure about him. The owner of the land drove up and kicked us off of his field *a great memory lol* so we got back in the truck and I looked at him and said "that guy ruined my night, I was hoping we were going to kiss under the stars." He was like "seriously?! I wasn't sure if you wanted to!" I was like YES! So we came back to my house and were talking on my couch when he grabbed my hand and said "come here!" We went on my back porch and he grabbed my face and kissed me. I have NEVER been kissed that well. It was electric. He pulled back and said "look, we're under the stars again..." Then kissed me some more.

We talked a while longer and went a little further physically but didn't sleep together, it was just amazing. I had some understanding of where he was with his sobriety, he had mentioned that he was in recovery and that he was only 4 months sober. He had gotten sober in the past and relapsed I believe, and this time was four months in to recovery. I don't know many details about his first attempt at sobriety. It should also be noted he's in his mid twenties. He said this is the first time he's really committed to a program. He has two kids from two prior relationships and sobriety was his only option to be a good, involved dad. He talked about how he was living in a sober living house and had achieved a few steps there in independence bc of his consistency.

I knew the overall story, then as we talked more over the coming weeks and spent more time together I learned that he used for a while but drinking was his main issue. That the last time he used or drank was four months prior. He had dated a girl for a few months as soon as he started the program and they had just ended it before we started talking. He said it was bc she was a lot younger and immature and just didn't support him the way he needed. We talked about what it would look like for us to date and how the distance would be good bc he has a lot to work on and it would be healthy to have distance until we're ready to take it to the next level when he has more sobriety under his belt.

A few weeks later we went on our last date. I went there and it was the most memorable night of my life. We went to a fancy restaurant on the water and had such good conversations about his past and whether or not that scared me. I assured him I was falling for the current version of him, not who he used to be but that I'm cautious. He completely agreed.

After dinner we went to this amazing place overlooking the city and with his arms around me just talked and enjoyed each other. He asked me to be official and we discussed again what long distance would look like for now. How we needed to try to see each other once a week, even just to meet in the middle for dinner. It was amazing and I was so so happy. Afterwards we drove to an old stomping ground of his and got closer physically. It was an amazing night. I'm only mentioning our physical relationship bc idk what to think about maybe that being a trigger?

The next day was completely normal. He called me, texted me (we talk a lot throughout our days) but I didn't hear from
him the rest of he day and that night our phone call was short and he was tired so he cut it off and went to bed. A little odd, but I wasn't too worried. The next day though he was a little distant too. I got a little needy and asked him about it. He was really understanding and assured me it wasn't me and everything was fine. But the next two days were the same. I broke down and asked him what was going on, I was worried.

He said "something happened that I don't want to talk about right now. I don't mean for it to affect you and I'm sorry it has. I'm talking to a friend trying to work through this." Now I know he talks to his sponsor every day, multiple times a day. His sponsor knew about us and he said every day he asks if his intentions are good and healthy with me. He clings to his accountability, which I love about him. It's humble and good. But I still have no idea what happened. Does that sound like a relapse? Or maybe an tempted relapse or something? I'm really worried about what occurred that wknd.

The next day I get this message:

"I'm trying to figure out what to say. But really all I can say is the truth. I'm not ready to move forward with you, or anyone for that matter... this is nothing you've done AT ALL , and this is extremely unfair to you and I feel horrible. But some recent events have made me realize that I have no idea who I am still, and I don't even know what I could bring to the table as far as a relationship goes. I really really really like you. Like a lot. A whole lot.
But I've been talking to the people that care about me the most, and they are all saying that I need to concentrate on myself and that if I get involved with anyone, I will just hurt them. I don't fully understand it, but they haven't lied to me yet... I don't know what to think or feel right now. I'm just trying to do what's right for me, and ultimately what I think it's right for you, no matter how wrong it feels right now...."

Y'all it broke my heart. We had only talked for a short number of weeks and I had really fallen for him and him for me. But this hit me in the gut. I've been dealing so much with my own past and insecurities, being afraid he was using his sobriety as an excuse and he just wanted someone else or to move on from me or that maybe I did something that was unattractive but he didn't have the heart to tell me, etc... I've been worried that I pushed or he felt pressured to move forward or that the sexual part of our relationship was some sort of trigger or struggle for him. I was letting him lead though, he was telling me when he was ready for things bc I know he is in a sensitive situation with his recovery.

I assured him that I would be praying for him and supporting him and that when he was in a better place and ready to come back to me. That I wanted to pick up where we left off. Here was his response:

"I would really really like that. Thank you for being so understanding. You're an amazing person. You deserve the absolute best, I just don't think i can give you that right now. I hope and pray that I can maybe someday, if it's meant to be that way."

We had one more conversation where I asked if we could communicate at all and that I missed him (it was a few days later). He said "it's just really hard to talk to you. I just want you so bad." I said can we try to talk once a week on the phone. Just so I can know how you're doing? He said, "that might me okay, but this is so hard." He never responded again. He's on social media a little, very limited. So I don't know how he's doing or what happened. I feel so helpless. Im so scared he'll forget about me or never come back. I can literally do nothing. It's so so hard and I don't understand why we can't talk at all. Like why did communication have to stop entirely.

The worst part is I have NO idea how he is doing. Other girls he may have dated in the past there in his town have mutual friends who they can ask how he is doing or if he's still in the program. I literally have no way of knowing if he's doing well or not.

I just need some encouragement from others who have been here or have some perspective. I'm heartbroken and worried for him and scared he'll never come back to me. I just don't know what to do.

Ariesagain

Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry. This is a really, really typical scenario with an addict. It's always instant connection, never felt this way, other people never understood me or supported me the way you do, bla bla bla...and then they bail.

It's not you and it's nothing you said, did, or are. He's an addict in early recovery (and probably in relapse, reading between the lines) and nothing addicts do makes any sense. In a way, he's doing you an enormous favor in saying what he did, because it's true...he has no business trying to be in relationship right now.

Please don't wait around for this guy. Maybe he really is a decent guy with a really bad problem, maybe he's always been a player, who knows...but you can waste years of your precious life in this dance. I know. So do many, many people on this board.

Sending you a hug.

Txjeepguy

Agree 100%

Only a month in I'd move on.

waiting0715

Thank you for your input. He never made any statements about me being good for him or like I was a "savior" in any sense. It was a normal dating situation it seemed. His messages just seemed really focused on people encouraging him to end it. Is that normal?

waiting0715

And it's just so strange bc I know he loves female attention. But he has cut off all texting, calls, snapchat...absolutely all communication. That's why it's so hard to not be tempted to wait I guess. It feels like he's trying really hard to get better. I know he will end up with someone when he does and I want it to be me.

Ariesagain

He's an addict in relapse who "loves female attention."

That second part probably won't improve, even if he defies the odds on the first part. Red flag there, too...

If he's in any kind of serious recovery program, yes, people are telling him to end this relationship because it's usually a distraction addicts use to really facing down life and dealing with it...the general guideline is no new relatonships until a year of solid recovery has been achieved.

For his sake as well as yours, it's really best to move on.

dandylion

Youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

dandylion

You might want to read the info on this website.....

Expanding

Hi Waiting,

I'm sorry this happened to you! What bothers me is that he put all the blame of his last relationship on the other person. Part of recovery is being able to accept responsibility for your actions. I just don't see how he could be working a successful recovery program without being able to accept responsibility for his actions :/

I think his friends and family did you both a big favor. Recovery is somewhat selfish work and needs to be that way. The focus needs to always be on yourself and what you need.

I would beware of the instant sparks and love at first sight too... I found that when this happened with me (twice) it was becaude our dysfunctional templates fit perfectly together (codependent&alcoholic) and things felt familiar because they were... it was my childhood growing up with my A mother recreated.

I would move on before you get sucked in and really get into it... read the stories on here to see what you could be getting yourself into. It's such an easy trap to fall in and As can be very charming and before you know it its years later and you're wondering what the hell just happened.

I know it's hard and you don't want to believe it but I would wait until he's at least a year sober. He's already keeping things from you and being vague, don't let him leave you hanging on

dandylion

youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

read this website

LexieCat

Sorry, I had something like that happen with someone in my life, though apparently no alcohol was involved. It sucks when you feel that RUSH and it all goes down the tubes (in my case it involved going back to an ex).

In his case, there are lots of possibilities. One is that he really did have second thoughts about whether this was a smart move so early in his sobriety (generally speaking, it's not). And of course there are other not-so-pleasant-to-contemplate possibilities.

Either way, though, I wouldn't suggest putting your life on hold in the hopes you can resume the relationship in a few months when he's more stable in his recovery. That COULD happen, but there are so many things that can happen in the meantime, and it would still suck if you got to that point, got further involved, and things didn't work out.

My SUGGESTION is to go ahead and keep dating other people. Or take a break from dating and concentrate on other things besides your eventual hoped-for reunion with this guy. Anything can happen, but the odds are always tough in early sobriety.

Hugs!

Refiner

If anything it sounds like to me he's trying his best in his recovery program which includes staying out of relationships or any big changes. I wouldn't take it so personally, he's doing what's right for HIM. He's known you for like 5 minutes albeit he sounds very charming and warm when it comes to you. Personally I'd change your name from Waiting to NOT Waiting and see what he brings to the table in a couple of years if anything.

honeypig

Do you KNOW that "other people" are in fact telling him to end the relationship? Or is he making that up as a way for him to end it w/o having to be the "bad guy"--he can say "oh, they are making me end it, it's not my choice, but what can I do..."?

As others have said, ending it is almost certainly a gift. And I did read your other thread under your other name--it would probably be helpful if you stuck to one or the other consistently.

redatlanta

I agree with this. In a program people are encouraged NOT to make big changes especially getting into a relationship for at least a year.

Too me, I think he found the relationship triggering. The dates you describe sound like a bottle of wine or other beverages could accompany easily. This has nothing to do with you, nor does it have anything to do with what ya'll did. It has everything to do with early sobriety and not being ready. That's all. The "euphoria" of newness can be quite triggering for the newly sober (which he is 4 months is nothing).

While I wish you weren't left in the great unknown I am glad he did let you know, and explained why. I would take him at his face value I don't see any reason not too. It would be hard to be on a diet and work in a Bakery - I understand why he had to go no contact. Its just too risky.

AnvilheadII

i gotta circle back to the fact that this whole drama played out in a month's time. you BARELY knew him, even if you spoke on the phone for 4 hours every day, that only totals 120 hours of interaction. you were dating.....and this is the purpose OF dating.....meet someone, spend some time without any heavy commitments, and then if it is not working FOR EITHER PARTY FOR ANY REASON WHATSOVER, it's over.

i'd look at two things.....1) how many times you used the word AMAZING and 2) just how quickly you let yourself FALL for someone you barely know. those are behaviors you can examine if you wish and work on.

Lilro

You've got the " Dream Team " of answers here Waiting. I would take their advice.

Good Luck to you.
Ro

Yoga

I know it's hard to believe but at this point in time he's done both of you a favour.

He's only four months sober, he needs to work on himself.

Probably his sponsor has told him to stay out of a relationship during his first year of sobriety because it is important to work on himself.
It's not unusual for sponsors to say that.

This has nothing to do with you.

It still doesn't help the hurt but that probably what's going on.

atalose

I agree 100% about so much heartache after ONLY 1 month of dating is a big red flag that YOU need to discover about YOU and why you fell so hard so fast for someone who waved a big red flag at you about his addiction, YET, you want to keep on trying and put your life on hold for someone you don’t even know.

That’s just it, it is the same person.

When we want something so badly especially to be loved and get married and have a happily ever after life we tend to try and force, fix, manipulate, bargain that round hole into our hoped and dreamed square peg life and it doesn’t work that way.