prich

Married 30+ years to alcoholic. Can't do this anymore. It is really making me sick. I need to start taking care of myself. When do you know that it is time to disconnect in order to save yourself?

chicory

I think you have answered your own question, Pritch. when you feel as you do, I would say its past time for a change-your life probably depends on it.
hugs..

maia1234

P,

Sending hugs my friend? I finally divorced after 34 years together, 26 married. I hate to say it, the divorce was the best thing for me, him not so much.

tomsteve

for me I knew it waaaaaaaayyyyyy before I got into action saving myself- waaaaaayyyy before I accepted that NOTHING was going to change with my addicted/drunken GF and if I stayed in the relationship the circus music was only going to get louder while I got sicker and sicker.

prich

I worry that he will be unable to take care of himself he is almost 70. I guess maybe it is time for him to figure out how to. Is there a forum where (specific to those of us who have been with our addict for many years) or should I stay right here.? Thanks for the hugs I know I will need a lot of them going forward. Disconnecting from a lot of things is hard when you have been together for so long. One step at a time right??

dandylion

prich....when people start asking the question that you just asked....it usually means that the time is drawing close......When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving......

I gather that you are in a significant amount of pain, right now.......
It is never too soon...or, too late.....to café about your own self......

dandylion

AdelineRose

I think it is time to disconnect when you feel you are emotionally suffering from a relationship. When you feel like you are at the end of your rope, when you feel like you can't take it anymore, when you think about leaving- that is when you disconnect and I think you already know.

It is not your job to take care of someone who is actively choosing to destroy themselves. He makes the choice to drink alcohol, and you have the choice to no longer take it anymore. Addiction affects the entire family, you are not responsible to save him. We cannot control anyone but ourselves- do what is best for YOU.

tomsteve

pritch, the age says THAT has to be hard to walk away, but you are absolutely right that its time for him to figure out how to. and he doesn't have to do it by himself-but not you helping.

im one of them double winners- both a recoverying alcoholic/addict and a recovering codie. I got into a relationship real quick after getting sober with a chronic relapse. I let it go on wayyyy too long- long after the red flags were waving like crazy( I had more red flags than....something with a LOT of red flags!!).
it wasn't easy for me to admit and accept there was absolutely NOTHING I could do that would help her get clean and sober and by continuing to be in the relationship I was actually helping/enabling her to dig her own grave.
and after I got out of the relationship?
WOW!!!! I did a lot of work on underlying issues with the drinking/drugging and then it was time for the underlying issues of codependency/enabling.

but DAM was it worth it.

it doesn't matter what I do, I just cant save ANYONE from addiction/alcoholism.

a real bugger to admit and accept, but admitting and accepting it sure helped me greatly.

and crazy being in recovery that I didn't even see how no one could save me.

amy55

Prich, I see you joined here in 2010. I would guess that things were already bothering you then for many years before you even reached out for help.

I'll say that you are a very patient person.

I was also married for a very long time. I was divorced at age 55. It took me a while to get used to not having schedules, and answering to someone, but I accomplished that.

It sounds like you have been here for about 6 years, but that you weren't able to "move" then. I think I mean that as emotionally move. I think that by you posting that question here that you might be.

No you don't have to suffer the rest of your life catering to an alcoholic. Yes, there is a better life. Yes, you should stay here, and or seek out other support.

What I see here is that you became a "butterfly" and you want to feel and know what life is all about. It's never too late.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

rae145

I was married 32 yrs and 56 when I left, divorced, and moved. It hasn't been easy and he had a replacement within 4 mos. He's in poor health as well. I think I disconnected long before I left. Being in such turmoil and chaos kept me from knowing my feelings. So it has been better for me as I am learning to experience feelings and take care of myself. An alcoholic will sap you of everything.

Katchie

Hi Prich,

When you know, you know. I was married 22 years. When I felt my mental and physical health were in decline and I felt my very life depended on my getting out, that was my pain of staying being greater than any pain leaving could possibly cause me. And honestly, when I made the decision, even though it was into the great unknown, which I had agonized over for some time, I felt a peace pretty immediately. That may not be the case for everyone, but it was for me. The house was burning down and I had to escape or I would perish along with everything else and I had FINALLY made a step in the direction to ending that pain. That's how serious I felt about it.
You're seeking answers to whether or not you're ready. Only you can answer how much more you can/can't take. Only you know what you truly need right now.
Peace to you and many Hugs.

Hayfmr

I have been married almost 30 years. AW has been an active A thru a good many of them. I know exactly how you are feeling because that's where I have been for the last year. A week ago AW got drunk before our daughters wedding and daughter threw her out of the wedding. That was my final tilling point. Now instead of seeking out help she is drinking and being defiant to everyone in the family. Just confirms that I am making the right choice.

I have given her every opportunity to clean up. Several treatment programs. Willing to do anything to help her. It took years but with the help of this site I came to the realization that I cant fix her. Only she can fix herself.

My AW had her addiction before we even met but she managed to hide it from me till after we had been married several years. I wont make that mistake again. I will never again get involved with a current or former addict.

prich

Thank you all for responding. Yes I started in 2010 and started al anon the same year. Since that time he has been to rehab twice. Second time was for 6 months. Between rehabs had a stroke but was fortunate enough to almost completely recover. He has some problems with his gait when extremely fatigued but otherwise is okay. It has been a LONG and HARD struggle. I am exhausted by it all. From time to time he goes to AA meetings. He has had several episodes in the past four months where he has been literally "falling down drunk", belligerent, etc. I don't think I have it in me anymore to keep him upright. He also drinks and drives (not from the house) but from the liquor store. I am scared to death he will hurt someone else. I have told him if he leaves here in the car after drinking I will call the police. Don't know what else to do. He has now agreed to leave. Everything is in my name except his social security check.

prich

Thank you. Your clarity is what I am missing.

chicory

Prich, you deserve some peace and happiness. Think about how that would feel.

prich

Chicory I think it will feel fabulous

qtpi

Prich, I am 62 years young and left my AH 8 weeks ago. Long overdue. I pointed out to my daughter how many productive, healthy years do I have left? I am thinking about myself and so glad I do not have to put up with the chaos and the belligerence anymore. I want to spend the rest of my life happy. I felt enormously guilty before I left- the guilt has gone way down. He brought this on himself. One of the things I thought about that made me decide is I didn't want to be his nurse as his health declined. Two of his friends are sick from alcoholism and I see it in his future.

JennyGrace

When it's time, you just know. Wishing you peace, prich.

Mountainmanbob

The real alcoholic only brings pain to themselves and the ones around them.

Seek out a good solid counselor and start taking care of yourself.
Sometimes cutting the drunk lose wakes them up.
If not, let them go their way.
A man is suppose to treat their wife as a queen.

If you are not being treated like the queen of your home today
you are being deprived of having a loving sober husband.



M-Bob

CentralOhioDad

Except when the queen EXPECTS to be treated like she higher and mightier than everyone else - then we have a problem. I did treat my AW like a queen, until it was spewed to me over and over that I'm worthless.

But yes, each party should treat the other like royalty - in a non-addicted household. Maybe I'll find that someday.