What Many People Don't Understand
 

My AH is in the midst of an awful relapse now. It happened right before I had surgery on my hip and depended on him to help me as I was going to be out of commission. We are separated, (although while he was sober spent lots of time together), but with this latest relapse I decided I can't handle it anymore.
I was talking to someone who knows him and she said "but if you divorce him, will that put him over the edge?"
This I think is a typical response of someone who hasn't lived or doesn't understand what we are dealing with. The codie in me would say "yes, it will put him over the edge. I'd better stay married to him b/c otherwise he will go nuts."
But - he already has gone nuts! And this is when we stayed married. When everything was going "fine." When I was supportive, loving, and willing to stay with him as long as he was sober. He still did it!!
The codie in me is still fighting that thinking too. The thinking that what I do will matter to his sobriety (or lack thereof), and that divorcing him will sent him into a deeper spiral than what he already is in. However, I know, logically, that that isn't the case. I guess that most people who haven't lived it don't understand. Still, it kind of threw me off to hear that (even though she meant well).
Wondering what you guys think.

I think people say the wrong thing more often than not.

When I got divorced, no one would have understood. It kind of wasn't up for debate, though - ya know? My issue. I had to handle it. Lots of wrong things were said by friends and family.

Listen to your own inner counsel.

I agree. Most people (including myself years ago) would have thought that a spouse or SO leaving an A would be cruel! Now that I've been in the trenches, I understand that nothing I do will change what they feel they HAVE to do.

Outsiders just don't understand.

Alcoholism is progressive it only gets worse. Each day he is drinking he is moving closer to the edge and each edge will be more serious. You can't save him so you have to save you and your family

I had a fear that my X would commit suicide if we divorced. He did go off the rails, but you know what, he did that before we divorced, which is why we divorced! I had to go to therapy to realize that his choices are his own. Should he have made that choice, it would be awful, and tragic, but it would have been HIS, not mine. You cannot control anyone else's actions, only your own reactions.

I know his family still blames me. He is alive and kicking just fine. He is remarried. However, he still blames me, so does his family. That was a choice I had to be OK with, and therapy is what got me there.

We are in full control of one person, ourselves.

Hugs.

I think that lots of people are blessed because they never had to learn anything about alcoholism or the resulting relationship dynamics. There's a lot of ignorance, a lot of "helpful" suggestions that unintentionally encourage codependent behavior. Of course many of the people in my life have been impacted by someone else's alcoholism and aren't in any type of recovery themselves. My mom and my ex's mom are actually some of the worst offenders.

"If that was my loved one I'd...."

-Send them to rehab and leave them there until they were cured.
-Pour their booze down the sink.
-Just leave.
-Tell them to cut back.
-Make them get it under control.
-Do whatever it took to get them sober.
-Make them get a job so they'd have someplace to go every day and wouldn't be able to sit around drinking all the time.

I had to quit sharing that aspect of my life with anyone who didn't get it. I saved it for Al Anon meetings or SR because otherwise it was just an exercise in frustration.

Thanks all. I know it's the truth - that his actions have nothing to do with my staying or leaving - it just takes work making myself believe it very confidently when the codie voice (and people who don't understand) say otherwise.

Hopeful - I hear you - mine is off the rails now anyway. I feel bad for your AH's current spouse, she can't be having a ball with this either.

This is what I did, too. I told the important players (family), then didn't discuss it further with them.

"Friends" don't get a say. If they brought it up, I changed the subject.

Nope. She seems very unhappy. However, she was warned by myself, and my kids, that she should not marry him. She knew with absolute 100% certainty what she is getting into. I don't have sympathy for her, she chose this. When I married him, I had NO IDEA.

^^ This - right here. And quite honestly, In my personal experience, even if some of your friends or family members have lived thru this and they didn't go thru some sort of support system like this site or Alanon the "advice" was worse!

You know I am 3 plus years of no contact with my addict ex, tons of meetings, hundreds of posts here and still to this day that little codie thinking slips in every now and again. But I am thankful it doesn’t last long!!! Logic and healthy reason push it right on out.

People are ignorant to alcoholism/addiction/codependency and what it’s like living in that environment day and night. Try not to let the reactions/opinions of people who have no clue affect the healthy decisions you are making for yourself.

I agree with everyone. Part of it is that, what works with "normal" people, doesn't work with the addict. It seems counterintuitive, but we all know that giving in to their wishes just makes the situation worse, if not immediately, then eventually. I took him back after the last relapse, and now look what happened. I feel like maybe I just gave him more rope to hang himself with.

Totally agree - this was part of my Codie Recovery too - recognizing that I couldn't "save" everyone by engaging with them over stuff like this until they "got it"...... it was no different than choosing to not engage/drop the rope with RAH.

For some people, it's just ignorance. They really don't know, haven't dealt with it, have no point of reference to understand.

But the people that I butted heads with the most over this type of thing were ~across the board~ extremely invested in their own codependency. They needed me to keep up the façade they'd accepted - otherwise it challenged their way of doing things & their self-judgment soared. These people were invested in their own brand of denial & would try to convince me that *I* was the one handling everything wrong. No way I'm taking on THAT battle - they are just entitled to their dysfunction as an addict is to their right to choose to drink, IMO.

But she can fix him! She's DIFFERENT! That has been a part of my struggle. My ex's current wife is still very invested in maintaining the facade that she saved him and everything that went wrong in our relationship was completely my fault.

While I logically know that this isn't true, it's still hard to hear, especially now that the 2 of them are teaming up to scapegoat my son, basically doing all the same stuff they did to drag me through the mud during the custody trial. I'm sure they won't be any more successful now than they were then, but it's still hard to stomach.

Opinions are like a**holes...everyone has one!! I have a lot of people against me because I left my AH. But those people don't know me well and never have or will. I have always cared about what others think and in the beginning when I left I searched for validation from all family and friends. But I realized that is never going to happen. Those that truly love me and know me think I did the best thing by leaving. I too feel like me leaving may put my AH into more of a tailspin. I truly am scared for his wellbeing and I keep having visions of being at his funeral and his family pointing the finger at me. But I know that he is drowning with or without me...I'm just making the conscience decision not to drown with him. It's a very tough decision and of course no one wants this for their family or even imagined this would happen. But I guess we are handed situations in life and we have to chose the best path for us. Keep trusting your gut and your instincts as a mother. I would hate to be on here 10 years from now saying I should have trusted my gut from the beginning and left instead of wasting more of my life. My AH and I have only been married for a year and half...I haven't even watched our entire wedding video all the way through! Sucks but this wasn't my choice and it wasn't yours either. Hang in there mama!

I got a question that sent me through the roof, after divorce.

"So, once he stops drinking, are you going back together?"

This was not even a month after our divorce.

The question I never asked back was "So, he is going to stop drinking exactly, when? Do YOU know? How much longer do YOU think I should wait?"

If you do divorce, he may really lose control, as my ex did . . . but he may still not hit the bottom. There will always be enablers. You do not divorce because you think it will affect his drinking. You divorce for your very own sanity. Because if you have even one tiny little speck of hope that your divorce is going to affect his drinking in a positive way, be ready for a serious disappointment.

There is nothing you can do about it. Period.

People do not know this. Codies, normies, whatever. Only a person who experienced alcoholism and was sitting in the front row can understand. Some things you have to see to believe. Unfortunately.

You need to do what will make you happy. If he does not offer a happy place for you than you need to do what you feel is right for you not him. You must take care of yourself first and not feel obligated to help him find his happiness.

imam just gonna give my opinion on one thing:
your husband isn't in the midst of an aweful relapse. hes in active alcoholism.
relapses end with a drink. active alcoholism starts with a drink.

Please just stop caring about what others think. You know what youve been through, you know what you can cope with. You know what to believe. Doubt is a terrible thing. Somewhere inside of you, or at some time to come, it will just click and you'll know your path. If that hasnt happened yet, just step back a while and try to quietly wait.
Not saying a word or reacting has helped me hugely. I have won far more battles by saying nothing than I have by reacting or defending.
Breath deep and walk away and then deal with tomorrow. Best x

Ok I am going to be the odd man out here. I have shared my situation of my AW with lots of friends, family, and business associates. Every single one of them understood what I am going thru and understands my need to get out. Its very rare that I share with someone that they don't have a family member or friend that's an addict they are fed up with.