Be careful what you wish for
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Be careful what you wish for
I am going through a lot of emotions right now. Refinancing with the house fell through so I am understandably irritated that I spent an extra three months in that house that I didn’t have to. This now means I am going to have to work with him to get it on the market and I am not looking forward to it.
Already feel like axbf is not being very cooperative as they decided to let us know the day they were leaving for vacation so now we have to wait until the weekend before any communication can be done because service is spotty where they are… and he is also not wanting to work with the real estate agent I suggested because he felt the last time they talked it “felt funny”.
I now have images running through my head of him moving in with this new girl and it’s sickening and I’m frustrated that it bothers me. I don’t even know and I’m not going to ask but this is where my thoughts headed. That or he’s going to be at the rock bottom I so desperately wanted him to hit a few months ago but now that it could actually happen I don’t feel too great about it. My therapist already pointed out that he is nearing 40 and can take care of himself, but when I think of him I still see that little boy.
I don’t know what else to say. I feel like my codependent tendencies are flaring up again.
Already feel like axbf is not being very cooperative as they decided to let us know the day they were leaving for vacation so now we have to wait until the weekend before any communication can be done because service is spotty where they are… and he is also not wanting to work with the real estate agent I suggested because he felt the last time they talked it “felt funny”.
I now have images running through my head of him moving in with this new girl and it’s sickening and I’m frustrated that it bothers me. I don’t even know and I’m not going to ask but this is where my thoughts headed. That or he’s going to be at the rock bottom I so desperately wanted him to hit a few months ago but now that it could actually happen I don’t feel too great about it. My therapist already pointed out that he is nearing 40 and can take care of himself, but when I think of him I still see that little boy.
I don’t know what else to say. I feel like my codependent tendencies are flaring up again.
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Ugg that sucks the refinance fell through - and the images our creative and fixated brains spiral on can make up crazy. I hope you can let go and take care of yourself today....OH, and I think today's language of letting go was just for you:
July 20
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Letting Go of Resistance
Do not be in such a hurry to move on.
Relax. Breathe deeply. Be. Be in harmony today.
Be open. There is beauty around and in us today. There is purpose and meaning in today.
There is importance in today - not so much in what happens to us, but in how we respond.
Let today happen. We learn our lessons, we work things out, we change in a simple fashion: by living our life fully today.
Do not worry about tomorrow's feelings, problems, or gifts. Do not worry about whether we can trust life, our Higher Power, or ourselves tomorrow.
Everything we need today shall be given to us. That is a promise - from Higher Power, from the Universe.
Feel today's feelings. Solve today's problems. Enjoy today's gifts. Trust yourself, life, and your Higher Power today.
Acquire the art of living fully today. Absorb the lessons, the healing, the beauty, the love available to us today.
Do not be in such a rush to move on. There is no hurry. We cannot escape, we only postpone. Let the feelings go, breathe in peace and healing.
Do not be in such a hurry to move on.
Today I will not run from my circumstances, my feelings, or myself. I will be open to others, Higher Power, my life, and myself. I will trust that by facing today to the best of my ability, I will acquire the skills I need to face tomorrow.
July 20
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Letting Go of Resistance
Do not be in such a hurry to move on.
Relax. Breathe deeply. Be. Be in harmony today.
Be open. There is beauty around and in us today. There is purpose and meaning in today.
There is importance in today - not so much in what happens to us, but in how we respond.
Let today happen. We learn our lessons, we work things out, we change in a simple fashion: by living our life fully today.
Do not worry about tomorrow's feelings, problems, or gifts. Do not worry about whether we can trust life, our Higher Power, or ourselves tomorrow.
Everything we need today shall be given to us. That is a promise - from Higher Power, from the Universe.
Feel today's feelings. Solve today's problems. Enjoy today's gifts. Trust yourself, life, and your Higher Power today.
Acquire the art of living fully today. Absorb the lessons, the healing, the beauty, the love available to us today.
Do not be in such a rush to move on. There is no hurry. We cannot escape, we only postpone. Let the feelings go, breathe in peace and healing.
Do not be in such a hurry to move on.
Today I will not run from my circumstances, my feelings, or myself. I will be open to others, Higher Power, my life, and myself. I will trust that by facing today to the best of my ability, I will acquire the skills I need to face tomorrow.
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I'm sorry about the house stuff, that stinks.
Your therapist is right. You say yourself you see him as a little boy. Thing is, you need a man, not a child to take care of. I know how that works, my X could not function for five mins w/out someone taking care of him. His new wife is his new mommy LOL. Let him go, do what you need to do, one step at a time.
Hang in there friend. Tight hugs!
Your therapist is right. You say yourself you see him as a little boy. Thing is, you need a man, not a child to take care of. I know how that works, my X could not function for five mins w/out someone taking care of him. His new wife is his new mommy LOL. Let him go, do what you need to do, one step at a time.
Hang in there friend. Tight hugs!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I would venture to guess this is really about him going away with his new GF on vacation and you feel jealous and hurt. He doesn’t want to deal with you or the house issue while he’s on vacation and that makes you feel further pushed away.
STOP waiting around for him to hit a bottom and hoping that something jolts inside of him and makes he come running back to you with remorse and plans of sober grandeur. As you sit waiting, obsessing about him YOUR life is passing you by while he is living his, on vacation with someone else.
Keep working with your therapist and I will pray that this house sells quickly so that there is no longer any built in reason to be in contact with someone who’s hurt you so much and continues to live rent free inside your head.
STOP waiting around for him to hit a bottom and hoping that something jolts inside of him and makes he come running back to you with remorse and plans of sober grandeur. As you sit waiting, obsessing about him YOUR life is passing you by while he is living his, on vacation with someone else.
Keep working with your therapist and I will pray that this house sells quickly so that there is no longer any built in reason to be in contact with someone who’s hurt you so much and continues to live rent free inside your head.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
ive heard and read a person stops growing mentally and emotionally when they take their very first drink.
so,yeah, youre seeing the little boy.
and no one can help him grow up.
its not your circus
not your monkey
so,yeah, youre seeing the little boy.
and no one can help him grow up.
its not your circus
not your monkey
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Oh yes, I'm super jealous of her going on vacation with someone whose goal is to stay drunk all week and pass out on the porch until 2 AM. I'll miss waking up alone and going to find him alone because his family would leave him there.. Very jealous she's going on vacation with someone who didn't want to do anything with me alone, or go on a walk down a certain trail even though I asked him for years and he said that we would but never did. I'm jealous that she gets to hang out with his passive aggressive mother (who is probably "accidentally" calling her by my name at this point) and the placating father. I'm soo jealous she gets to hang out with his cousin who gets just as wasted and may ask her take a shower with him (yup).
I am far beyond the point of wanting him back. I just want this nightmare to be over and hope he cooperates
I am far beyond the point of wanting him back. I just want this nightmare to be over and hope he cooperates
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Originally Posted by Expanding 
Oh yes, I'm super jealous of her going on vacation with someone whose goal is to stay drunk all week and pass out on the porch until 2 AM. I'll miss waking up alone and going to find him alone because his family would leave him there.. Very jealous she's going on vacation with someone who didn't want to do anything with me alone, or go on a walk down a certain trail even though I asked him for years and he said that we would but never did. I'm jealous that she gets to hang out with his passive aggressive mother (who is probably "accidentally" calling her by my name at this point) and the placating father. I'm soo jealous she gets to hang out with his cousin who gets just as wasted and may ask her take a shower with him (yup).
I am far beyond the point of wanting him back. I just want this nightmare to be over and hope he cooperates
I am far beyond the point of wanting him back. I just want this nightmare to be over and hope he cooperates
Anyway you could send this new gf the SR address??? I know . . . not your circus, not your monkeys.
I actually got to the point where I hoped my qualifier found and stayed with some other woman so I wouldn't be tempted to go back.
Expanding I do believe you have mastered the art of enjoying "Not having a toothache". (Buddhist monk Tich Naht Han's concept).
Sigh, I'm having a day myself: got my first review on airbnb and it was bad (I don't blame them as my Mom with alzheimer's managed to get into the rental apartment . . .twice!!!), my potted spruce tree isn't doing too well . . .dropping needles all over the place. I can't find the drill extension that I bought yesterday.
Anywho . . .off to deal with my own three rings of life.
Hope things work out surprisingly well for you Ex!
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Expanding, I do think the Universe is conspiring to tell you something! Firebolt pointed out the July 20 post from the "Language of Letting Go" thread here as being quite pertinent to your situation.
I just put up the July 21 post for that same thread and it seems to me that it's equally pertinent...here's the link if you want to take a look: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6053963
I just put up the July 21 post for that same thread and it seems to me that it's equally pertinent...here's the link if you want to take a look: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6053963
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I think you are right honeypig
OK Universe, I'm listening
My need to control is rearing its ugly, paranoid head. I am feeling trapped in my own home. Then the "poor me" comes out... why isn't he trapped too? Digging my heels in and stopping this spiral.
There is equity in the home. This is temporary. I have a couple engagements this weekend that I have been really looking forward to... I am having an AWESOME hair day. The weather has been absolutely spectacular this year. I have been receiving the most amazing of messages from the universe AND I can hear what it's saying.
I don't think I've taken a deep breathe all day
OK Universe, I'm listening
My need to control is rearing its ugly, paranoid head. I am feeling trapped in my own home. Then the "poor me" comes out... why isn't he trapped too? Digging my heels in and stopping this spiral.
There is equity in the home. This is temporary. I have a couple engagements this weekend that I have been really looking forward to... I am having an AWESOME hair day. The weather has been absolutely spectacular this year. I have been receiving the most amazing of messages from the universe AND I can hear what it's saying.
I don't think I've taken a deep breathe all day
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Expanding.....it has been only 4 months since it all hit the fan (if I understand correctly)......
It took a l ong time to get to this point...and it takes longer than this to get past it.
Grieving takes time.....establishing new patterns of thinking takes time.....building a new life and a new normal takes time.....life-changing therapy takes time.....
Just because he flew the coop and has nested down with someone else doesn't mean that he is "free". Where ever he went...he took himself with him....AND, he will just repeat his usual ways of being and behaving, with him......
By the way...it is a normal reaction to recoil at the thought of someone that we were attracted to, in the male-female kind of way, to be with someone else....even if we don't want them, anymore! It is deep in our primitive brains--there is nothing that you can do about that....But, it does become less painful....but, it takes more than a few months......
Of course, we all want pain to be gone...lol.....
Perhaps....pray for more patience......?
dandylion
It took a l ong time to get to this point...and it takes longer than this to get past it.
Grieving takes time.....establishing new patterns of thinking takes time.....building a new life and a new normal takes time.....life-changing therapy takes time.....
Just because he flew the coop and has nested down with someone else doesn't mean that he is "free". Where ever he went...he took himself with him....AND, he will just repeat his usual ways of being and behaving, with him......
By the way...it is a normal reaction to recoil at the thought of someone that we were attracted to, in the male-female kind of way, to be with someone else....even if we don't want them, anymore! It is deep in our primitive brains--there is nothing that you can do about that....But, it does become less painful....but, it takes more than a few months......
Of course, we all want pain to be gone...lol.....
Perhaps....pray for more patience......?
dandylion
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I am beyond impatient. Logically I know what is going on and what I want and where I want to be, yet emotionally I find myself at square 1 at times.
The stages of grief... thought I had graduated. Nope. I am going to have to experience each "event" without him at least once and it might hurt every single time.
I don't like that someone who has caused me so much pain still has a spot in my heart. Seems dangerous
The stages of grief... thought I had graduated. Nope. I am going to have to experience each "event" without him at least once and it might hurt every single time.
I don't like that someone who has caused me so much pain still has a spot in my heart. Seems dangerous
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Originally Posted by Expanding
I am beyond impatient. Logically I know what is going on and what I want and where I want to be, yet emotionally I find myself at square 1 at times.
Honestly, I do not think that having feelings for him, only a few short months after you split, is "dangerous"--I only think it is very, very human. I certainly still have feelings for XAH a year post divorce, as I think any of us do who got out before things got to the point where we felt only disgust, fear, hate, or nothing at all for our A's. However, as I continue my recovery, those feelings change. Some are fading away, others are morphing into something else.
I hid behind anger for a long time, but as that began to wear down, I find that I have a whole host of emotions to work my way thru. I am astounded at what comes up--a lot of it has not the slightest thing to do w/XAH, it's old stuff, sometimes very old. And I never dealt with it then, so it just waited patiently in my psyche, causing problems, until I finally decided to listen.
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That's correct red.
I feel like being in that house has been holding me back so I've been very anxious to get out. I still feel stuck in "survival mode", like I can't fully let go or relax until I'm out and able to really move on. I'm going to be such a mess when I sign those papers. Things are going to come out and be released and I don't want him to see that. I don't want him to be able to flip things when I'm vulnerable and make it about him, again.
Seeing the new family that's going to move in at signing... I hope I'm in a better spot at that point because just thinking about it is painful. I hope their dreams turn out better than mine
I feel like being in that house has been holding me back so I've been very anxious to get out. I still feel stuck in "survival mode", like I can't fully let go or relax until I'm out and able to really move on. I'm going to be such a mess when I sign those papers. Things are going to come out and be released and I don't want him to see that. I don't want him to be able to flip things when I'm vulnerable and make it about him, again.
Seeing the new family that's going to move in at signing... I hope I'm in a better spot at that point because just thinking about it is painful. I hope their dreams turn out better than mine
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Pssst, Expanding--I think the Universe is calling again. Take a look at the "Language of Letting Go" for July 25...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6060030
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6060030
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