Is this happiness
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 9
Is this happiness
Just trying to figure out if life will get better.
My husband of 22 years is an alcoholic and I think, emotionally abusive.
He lost his career of 17 years because of drinking on the job, bad mouthing the owners to his employees under him and going out drinking with one of them and trying to get this person to quit with him to start up another business. The employee went to the owners and told them everything. My husband had an inappropriate relationship with my then best friend who worked for him.
He left me in the hospital, alone, while I was getting blood transfusions to save my life. Because he needed to be at work, so he says. He has had numerous inappropriate on line relationships that he promised to end. I found that he had kept them secretly. Of course, he said it's no big deal. It's just talk and pics. But he never notices me or compliments me on anything.
Last year I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. After brain surgery I came home and he needed to drink because he was stressed out. My teenage daughter ended up caring of me. He then demanded that I go back to work 2 weeks after my surgery because we need the money. I work for his family, by the way. They refuse to see that he has a problem and drink with him. After the one time he was physically abusive to me in front of our children, my boss ( his sibling) said no wonder this happened I've seen all the ****** dishes in your sink. Your kitchen should be sparkling at night.
If I try to talk to him about his drinking he sighs and says, Jesus Christ, here we go adding on more stress and then ends up giving me the silent treatment. Or he will say, what's the big deal it's not like I'm getting crazy or anything, you're too uptight.
I have recently started getting panic attacks and depression.
I thought that he would have gotten over this by now. Will this ever get better?
All I want is some peace.
Thank you!
My husband of 22 years is an alcoholic and I think, emotionally abusive.
He lost his career of 17 years because of drinking on the job, bad mouthing the owners to his employees under him and going out drinking with one of them and trying to get this person to quit with him to start up another business. The employee went to the owners and told them everything. My husband had an inappropriate relationship with my then best friend who worked for him.
He left me in the hospital, alone, while I was getting blood transfusions to save my life. Because he needed to be at work, so he says. He has had numerous inappropriate on line relationships that he promised to end. I found that he had kept them secretly. Of course, he said it's no big deal. It's just talk and pics. But he never notices me or compliments me on anything.
Last year I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. After brain surgery I came home and he needed to drink because he was stressed out. My teenage daughter ended up caring of me. He then demanded that I go back to work 2 weeks after my surgery because we need the money. I work for his family, by the way. They refuse to see that he has a problem and drink with him. After the one time he was physically abusive to me in front of our children, my boss ( his sibling) said no wonder this happened I've seen all the ****** dishes in your sink. Your kitchen should be sparkling at night.
If I try to talk to him about his drinking he sighs and says, Jesus Christ, here we go adding on more stress and then ends up giving me the silent treatment. Or he will say, what's the big deal it's not like I'm getting crazy or anything, you're too uptight.
I have recently started getting panic attacks and depression.
I thought that he would have gotten over this by now. Will this ever get better?
All I want is some peace.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Dear Living, welcome to this place, but sorry for what brings you here. It sounds like complete h*ll, nowhere close to happiness, but I think you knew that answer already.
More people will come along who can give much better insight, but I doubt it will ever get better unless HE wants it to, and from what you wrote, there is nothing he plans to do differently. And, with the family he has (with the sparkling kitchen comment), this is probably as good as it will ever get.
Sending hugs of support.
COD
More people will come along who can give much better insight, but I doubt it will ever get better unless HE wants it to, and from what you wrote, there is nothing he plans to do differently. And, with the family he has (with the sparkling kitchen comment), this is probably as good as it will ever get.
Sending hugs of support.
COD
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Oh hon, no, that is not happiness; that is not the way a marriage or life should be. You're not crazy tho he is trying to make you think what you are seeing isn't really all that bad and it's all in your head blown way out of proportion. I was married 22 years to an alcoholic that made me think the things I was seeing weren't true and it was all in my head. I believe they call that gaslighting which is mental abuse. Read the stickies at the top of the forum to help better understand what is going on and what is happening to you. I am assuming you are new here, and if so, you have come to the right place.
Your husband is a cheat and so was mine. I've heard it said many times around here that drinking doesn't make one a cheat that there are many alcoholics that stay true blue. So...drinking isn't what causes his cheating and neither are you. You deserve SOOOO much more than what you're getting, bread crumbs at best.
And to answer your question, "does this get better?", no. As long as he is in denial and doesn't seek treatment actively working a plan of recovery, no, it will get worse.
You need to protect yourself.
Are you going or have you thought about going to Al-anon? This place and Al-anon will be wonderful helps to you. Also, if he gets physical, you need to seek help immediately. Again, the stickies at the top of this forum have all sorts of helpful information on what to do and who to call.
Please stay safe!! You don't deserve this type of treatment. I'm so very sorry but there is healing for you! Hugs
Your husband is a cheat and so was mine. I've heard it said many times around here that drinking doesn't make one a cheat that there are many alcoholics that stay true blue. So...drinking isn't what causes his cheating and neither are you. You deserve SOOOO much more than what you're getting, bread crumbs at best.
And to answer your question, "does this get better?", no. As long as he is in denial and doesn't seek treatment actively working a plan of recovery, no, it will get worse.
You need to protect yourself.
Are you going or have you thought about going to Al-anon? This place and Al-anon will be wonderful helps to you. Also, if he gets physical, you need to seek help immediately. Again, the stickies at the top of this forum have all sorts of helpful information on what to do and who to call.
Please stay safe!! You don't deserve this type of treatment. I'm so very sorry but there is healing for you! Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 9
I'm totally broke financially from hospital bills. I have no where to go. Everything is in his name. He would flip out if he found out I went Al-anon. He's very concerned with how he look in other people's eyes. I never thought my life would end up so unbearable.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Its all ok! I hear you about being broke. There is hope, there really is. Just take a deep breath. You've made an important step today and that's coming here seeking help -- you're not in denial even if everyone else around you still is including your alcoholic husband and that's healthy for you and a good beginning to good things for you. If you don't feel its safe to attend alanon, then don't right now and just come here when you need to vent or have questions. Please read all the stickies at the top of the forum as it will help lead, guide and educate you on alcoholism.
Hugs
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I am so sorry that you are hurting so much right now, many of us can relate to the pain you are going through. You said you thought he would have gotten over this by now...alcoholism is progressive and unless he decides to fight with all his might to achieve sobriety and build a solid recovery then he will never "get over it". In fact, it will continue to get worse since unfortunately, alcoholism never gets better only worse.
Emotional abuse is NEVER acceptable. Your husband and his family all seem to think emotional abuse is acceptable and that alcoholism is not a problem. Do you have any family that you can lean on in this time of need? Your are extremely intertwined with not only your husband but his family, which can make leaving seem daunting and impossible but there are resources out there which you can lean on in order to get out. There are domestic violence hot lines that you can call to get connected with resources in order to help you be able to leave if you decide that you are ready to. There are ALWAYS options, it might just take a little longer to get it all done.
You said that you think there might be a problem with your husband if you go to alnnon meetings. No one has the right to control what you do or what you say to others. The longer we stay in abusive relationships the more "normal" we start to view controlling and abusive behaviors. Is counseling an option? I have found finding a good counselor has been one of the best things I ever invested in. That would also give you a safe place to vent, seek advice, and get an unbiased opinion on what is going on.
This is not happiness, and you deserve to be happy and to feel safe, loved, and secure in your own home. Please continue to reach out and never stop fighting for yourself. If you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to PM me. You are not alone in this, we are all here for you!
Emotional abuse is NEVER acceptable. Your husband and his family all seem to think emotional abuse is acceptable and that alcoholism is not a problem. Do you have any family that you can lean on in this time of need? Your are extremely intertwined with not only your husband but his family, which can make leaving seem daunting and impossible but there are resources out there which you can lean on in order to get out. There are domestic violence hot lines that you can call to get connected with resources in order to help you be able to leave if you decide that you are ready to. There are ALWAYS options, it might just take a little longer to get it all done.
You said that you think there might be a problem with your husband if you go to alnnon meetings. No one has the right to control what you do or what you say to others. The longer we stay in abusive relationships the more "normal" we start to view controlling and abusive behaviors. Is counseling an option? I have found finding a good counselor has been one of the best things I ever invested in. That would also give you a safe place to vent, seek advice, and get an unbiased opinion on what is going on.
This is not happiness, and you deserve to be happy and to feel safe, loved, and secure in your own home. Please continue to reach out and never stop fighting for yourself. If you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to PM me. You are not alone in this, we are all here for you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 114
So very sorry for what you are going through!! That is no way to live. You have got some great advice from others already. If this site is your only option then come here as often as you can. There is lots of great info in the stickies at the top of the page. So glad you found this site. Sending hugs!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Livingdeadgirll....the way you are being treated is not your fault!
You are suffering abuse....and abuse is wrong!
May I ask you...what are your greatest fears.....and, what would you like for us to help you with?
dandylion
You are suffering abuse....and abuse is wrong!
May I ask you...what are your greatest fears.....and, what would you like for us to help you with?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I think that if just going to an Al Anon meeting would put you in the line of fire, then applying principles like detachment would actually make your situation worse. I didn't start attending Al Anon until after I left my abusive relationship. The drinking was kind of the excuse I made for why it was so bad, and I hung all my hopes on him getting sober because I thought all the other behavior would stop if he stopped drinking.
I'm so sorry for everything you're experiencing. It sounds like you're very isolated and dependent on him and his family, since they provide your livelihood. As for everything being in your husband's name, that might complicate things, but 22 years of marriage gives you a lot of rights, especially where marital property is concerned, regardless of whose name is technically on something. Consulting with a lawyer would help you to arm yourself with knowledge without any obligation to take any action you're not ready for. Many attorneys offer a free initial consult, and just knowing your rights might make you feel a little less hopeless and more empowered.
Not sure if anyone has given you the DV hotline number 1-800-799-7233. They can connect you to local resources and might be able to put you in touch with some legal resources that are available free or at a low cost. I took advantage of Legal Aid during my custody case with my ex and was very happy with the representation I received. I also reached out to my family for help initially getting away from him. It was really hard, especially after so many years of lying and covering things up, but I had to get myself and my sons away from him.
I was very hesitant to describe what was happening to me as abuse, but it was, and your story of emotional, physical and financial abuse, isolation and control is a very familiar one to me. My ex's family were also some of his biggest enablers, demonizing anyone (me) who tried to stand up against their dysfunctional family system.
This sticky contains some very helpful and informative threads. It was sad and hard for me to read, but it also helped me to fully accept the reality of my situation.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Please keep reaching out. We are here for you.
I'm so sorry for everything you're experiencing. It sounds like you're very isolated and dependent on him and his family, since they provide your livelihood. As for everything being in your husband's name, that might complicate things, but 22 years of marriage gives you a lot of rights, especially where marital property is concerned, regardless of whose name is technically on something. Consulting with a lawyer would help you to arm yourself with knowledge without any obligation to take any action you're not ready for. Many attorneys offer a free initial consult, and just knowing your rights might make you feel a little less hopeless and more empowered.
Not sure if anyone has given you the DV hotline number 1-800-799-7233. They can connect you to local resources and might be able to put you in touch with some legal resources that are available free or at a low cost. I took advantage of Legal Aid during my custody case with my ex and was very happy with the representation I received. I also reached out to my family for help initially getting away from him. It was really hard, especially after so many years of lying and covering things up, but I had to get myself and my sons away from him.
I was very hesitant to describe what was happening to me as abuse, but it was, and your story of emotional, physical and financial abuse, isolation and control is a very familiar one to me. My ex's family were also some of his biggest enablers, demonizing anyone (me) who tried to stand up against their dysfunctional family system.
This sticky contains some very helpful and informative threads. It was sad and hard for me to read, but it also helped me to fully accept the reality of my situation.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Please keep reaching out. We are here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 9
Leaving means leaving my home. Taking my children out of their school system. And, I WILL lose my job. His sister will lash out at me.
I can't support my kids with no job and I know he won't help. Him and his sister own a company together. He has everything on his side.
I don't know how to live anymore. I have absolutely no interest in anything. I go to work because I have to. That's it. I don't know how to do this on my own. I've been with him since I was 18, I'm now 46. A lifetime wasted waiting for it to get better.
I can't support my kids with no job and I know he won't help. Him and his sister own a company together. He has everything on his side.
I don't know how to live anymore. I have absolutely no interest in anything. I go to work because I have to. That's it. I don't know how to do this on my own. I've been with him since I was 18, I'm now 46. A lifetime wasted waiting for it to get better.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Livingdeadgirll 
Leaving means leaving my home. Taking my children out of their school system. And, I WILL lose my job. His sister will lash out at me.
I can't support my kids with no job and I know he won't help. Him and his sister own a company together. He has everything on his side.
I don't know how to live anymore. I have absolutely no interest in anything. I go to work because I have to. That's it. I don't know how to do this on my own. I've been with him since I was 18, I'm now 46. A lifetime wasted waiting for it to get better.
I can't support my kids with no job and I know he won't help. Him and his sister own a company together. He has everything on his side.
I don't know how to live anymore. I have absolutely no interest in anything. I go to work because I have to. That's it. I don't know how to do this on my own. I've been with him since I was 18, I'm now 46. A lifetime wasted waiting for it to get better.
His sister, your boss, is as sick as he is. No wonder you feel so trapped and depressed.
Your life has not been wasted. I, too, had thought the same thing. I had to realize my life with my ex was just a learning experience for my new journey....finding me and my happiness. It hasn't always been easy but it's been so worth it!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
A lifetime wasted waiting for it to get better.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know what it's like to go to work for and to come home to sick, sick people. That was the worst time in my life and my heart goes out to you. I watched my dad go through a brain tumor, brain surgery, and all of the recovery and fear that goes with it. You have been through A LOT and I can't imagine how exhausted you are from it all.
Exhaustion and the feeling of defeat is how most of us ended up here.
The tips / steps and other self care recommendations here probably seem completely overwhelming. They did to me when I got here. It was this whole new world / way of thinking that seemed complicated and like it was going to take a lot of work and it would be a lot of change....none of which I had energy for. But I stayed here and kept reading and took baby steps as I could. Little by little everything changed....most importantly my mindset....and my priorities started shifting me towards the top.
You are in the right place. Take in what you can and leave the rest. We are here with you - we've been there and many of us are still in your shoes and we work through it together.
I keep seeing one of those facebook posts all of the time:
Don't keep moving forward in a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.
I beat myself up a lot for my decisions that led me to where I am too, and so far....it has done nothing productive for me.
My best to you - OH - and I love ROb Zombie
Exhaustion and the feeling of defeat is how most of us ended up here.
The tips / steps and other self care recommendations here probably seem completely overwhelming. They did to me when I got here. It was this whole new world / way of thinking that seemed complicated and like it was going to take a lot of work and it would be a lot of change....none of which I had energy for. But I stayed here and kept reading and took baby steps as I could. Little by little everything changed....most importantly my mindset....and my priorities started shifting me towards the top.
You are in the right place. Take in what you can and leave the rest. We are here with you - we've been there and many of us are still in your shoes and we work through it together.
A lifetime wasted waiting for it to get better.
Don't keep moving forward in a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.
I beat myself up a lot for my decisions that led me to where I am too, and so far....it has done nothing productive for me.
My best to you - OH - and I love ROb Zombie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 9
I could try saying its a doctors appointment, he usually has to go with me.
My mom is about an hour away. And not in the best of health. I don't want to worry her. My brother is about two hours away. He says stay home and live my own life and let him do what he wants to do. My husband has chased all of my friends away. It's just really hard being alone and sad but trying to seem happy for my kids and to keep the peace.
My mom is about an hour away. And not in the best of health. I don't want to worry her. My brother is about two hours away. He says stay home and live my own life and let him do what he wants to do. My husband has chased all of my friends away. It's just really hard being alone and sad but trying to seem happy for my kids and to keep the peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You might be surprised how many people will be there for you if and when you decide to take action. Even the old friends that were chased off. People came out of the woodwork for me...and everything happened as I needed it to happen and when I was ready. It's easy to say don't worry... but truly....if you start making arrangements, making some plans, and dreaming about a better life, when you are ready, things will fall into place.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Living, I remember similar thinking and feeling pretty much the same way as what you describe feeling. My feelings of loneliness and hopeless reached a really bad point before I started looking for help. Please know that you're not alone. I know it's hard to see, but there are options - sometimes, we just have look at them a bit differently than we normally do in order to see them.
His family is full of it. There's absolutely nothing that you did or didn't do to make him abusive. I'm so mad at them on your behalf!
I couldn't call AXH's behavior abusive until after I'd been away from him for a while. I didn't even realize it was abuse until the counselor I'd started seeing (to try to learn how to communicate with him) gave me the local DV and rape crisis center information. So if you're not ready to call your husband's behavior abusive, I understand. Please know, though, that you don't deserve to be treated that way. You deserve to have a partner who is supportive and caring. Someone who, rather than telling you to go back to work, takes some of the burden of every-day responsibilities off your shoulders while you heal from a very serious illness.
Calling the national DV hotline, or speaking with the local DV resources won't obligate you to doing anything. They won't tell you to that you have to leave. They won't tell you that you HAVE to do anything. But they will help you find resources that you might need. They'll help you plan to stay safe, whether you leave or stay.
Sending gentle hugs, if OK.
His family is full of it. There's absolutely nothing that you did or didn't do to make him abusive. I'm so mad at them on your behalf!
I couldn't call AXH's behavior abusive until after I'd been away from him for a while. I didn't even realize it was abuse until the counselor I'd started seeing (to try to learn how to communicate with him) gave me the local DV and rape crisis center information. So if you're not ready to call your husband's behavior abusive, I understand. Please know, though, that you don't deserve to be treated that way. You deserve to have a partner who is supportive and caring. Someone who, rather than telling you to go back to work, takes some of the burden of every-day responsibilities off your shoulders while you heal from a very serious illness.
Calling the national DV hotline, or speaking with the local DV resources won't obligate you to doing anything. They won't tell you to that you have to leave. They won't tell you that you HAVE to do anything. But they will help you find resources that you might need. They'll help you plan to stay safe, whether you leave or stay.
Sending gentle hugs, if OK.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
livingdeadgirll.....I suggest that you call the dv hotline number that was given to you...and they can help to connect you to the correct local dv resources for you to talk to you.
They are NOT a government agency, and your never have to give your husband's name or your name, if you don't want to.
They deal with situations like yours, every day. This is what they exist for--to help people in this type of situation. They are not judgemental and they understand your fears and your needs.
You don't have to do anything other than talk to them. They will not out any pressure on you. Everything you say is confidential.
Just talking to one of their counselors on the phone may make y ou feel better.
At least, you will know where help is.......
***the first phone call is the hardest...lol....
There is help for you...don't ever thing that there is not!
***I suggest that you talk when you are totally private.
Always keep your search history, on your computer, hidden....
dandylion
They are NOT a government agency, and your never have to give your husband's name or your name, if you don't want to.
They deal with situations like yours, every day. This is what they exist for--to help people in this type of situation. They are not judgemental and they understand your fears and your needs.
You don't have to do anything other than talk to them. They will not out any pressure on you. Everything you say is confidential.
Just talking to one of their counselors on the phone may make y ou feel better.
At least, you will know where help is.......
***the first phone call is the hardest...lol....
There is help for you...don't ever thing that there is not!
***I suggest that you talk when you are totally private.
Always keep your search history, on your computer, hidden....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Livingdeadgirll
I could try saying its a doctors appointment, he usually has to go with me.
My mom is about an hour away. And not in the best of health. I don't want to worry her. My brother is about two hours away. He says stay home and live my own life and let him do what he wants to do. My husband has chased all of my friends away. It's just really hard being alone and sad but trying to seem happy for my kids and to keep the peace.
My mom is about an hour away. And not in the best of health. I don't want to worry her. My brother is about two hours away. He says stay home and live my own life and let him do what he wants to do. My husband has chased all of my friends away. It's just really hard being alone and sad but trying to seem happy for my kids and to keep the peace.
I know that your husband makes a lot of threats and says a lot of things to scare you out of leaving, my ex did the same. But the courts aren't going to put you on the street without any child support, no matter what he says. Laws vary by state, but no judge anywhere is going to sign off on him keeping everything and leaving you and the kids homeless and without any support. You have a lot more rights than you may believe.
That's really scary, that you're not even allowed to go to a doctor's appointment on your own. Normally there are books I would recommend for you to read, but since you have zero privacy (my ex used to read my journals and mine them for material to use against me when he wanted to fight) I think that safety planning is going to be key for you. You can unsubscribe to threads on here so that you don't receive email notifications and when you log out cookies are automatically cleared. Dandy had a good suggestion as well about clearing your browser/search history.
You are not alone. We are here for you. Stay safe and keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Hey Living welcome to SR and so glad you found us. You are hoeing a very difficult row! Wow. That sounds super hard.
The others have made some great suggestions which I think must sound terrifyingly impossible to you. Please take your time and take baby steps. Just posting here is great.
Courage to you lady!
The others have made some great suggestions which I think must sound terrifyingly impossible to you. Please take your time and take baby steps. Just posting here is great.
Courage to you lady!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
