Is this happiness

Old 07-19-2016, 08:57 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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L,
Welcome!! We are a strong group of men and women who have been through more things then you can imagine. You are officially our friend, honey you have more friends then you ever knew you could. Your husband can never chase us a way as we are here for you, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Here for the long haul!!

I am seeing you are so overwhelmed, with what is going on in your life. The nice thing on this forum is that sr, like alanon recommends you not to make any decisions for at least 6 months. Please read the stickies and educate your self about addiction. I know the crap he has been doing to you is all text book, we have seen it before. We can help you, and walk you through this. Yes he is abusive, we don't want you to do anything that could put you in danger. You take your time and when you get stronger mentally and physically you can execute anything you will need to do for you and your childrens safety.

Sending many hugs my friend, we care!!!
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Old 07-20-2016, 09:41 AM
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How are you doing today?
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Old 07-22-2016, 07:51 AM
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I don't know exactly why. Reading this post made me feel like crying. I can relate to the isolation because you work for his family and they back him up. I hear the doubt in your voice. I have been through so much and at times wondered, Is there more I can do? Like keeping the sink immaculate! Am I making too much of his snarky comments, his disregard for my feelings? I built a scaffolding to live under that went like this- he didn't mean it. He was just drunk. He really loves me. So why did I feel better without him? Why did I watch what I said- so he wouldn't have ammunition against me or deflate any happy thing I might happen to share? Why did I wait until he was gone to work to get up in the morning- so I could avoid him for a little while? I am 62 years old- and I left 7 weeks ago. Trying to keep from second guessing my decision. I keep wondering now if I could have done more- but I know it was abuse and I know I am better without him. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is a good resource and I would call it just to talk. Go to Alanon. My husband said to me, I don't know if I can stay married to you if you go to Alanon. It was an empty threat. He said that over ten years ago and he never left and actually wants me back!It is almost unbelievable but my guess is your husband would hate to lose you- he needs someone to control- he has you where he wants you. He has more to lose than you do. Don't be afraid to "defy" him. You are not a child and he is not your parent. My husband read my diaries and snooped in my clothes, my car, my emails- my pocketbook, even tapped my phone. I started keeping a computer diary with a password. I needed to be able to vent somewhere he couldn't find. One thing I discovered- there are people and websites who will support you and be kind and loving to you- but there are a lot of people out there who don't understand and will tell you you need to try this and that- or he really loves you- are you exaggerating. I already listened to enough of his ********. Learn to recognize what is good for you and what isn't. Keeping an immaculate kitchen sink won't stop the abuse.
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Old 07-22-2016, 08:11 AM
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Keeping an immaculate kitchen sink won't stop the abuse.

This is very true. Just be careful of being too "defiant" or whatever. Don't put yourself in danger.

How have you been? Hope you are safe. Take care and try to have a nice weekend. Thinking of you.
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Old 07-22-2016, 09:02 AM
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Can you find a job that is NOT with his family?
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Old 07-24-2016, 09:30 AM
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Thank you all for your kindness and concern.
It's hard to know what is right when one day he's really nice and caring the next he's cold and aloof and then he's drinking and mean. I have figured out that when he wants me to get over being mad he will buy me something that he knows will make me happy. Little does he know that all I want is normal and quiet, not things.
Someone asked if I could get a job away from his family, I could with a lot of questions and harassment. My daughter is starting medical school in less than a month so I will need that salary for right now. Ugh, it's all a giant mess. I don't know what to say...
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Old 07-24-2016, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Livingdeadgirll View Post
Thank you all for your kindness and concern.
It's hard to know what is right when one day he's really nice and caring the next he's cold and aloof and then he's drinking and mean. I have figured out that when he wants me to get over being mad he will buy me something that he knows will make me happy. Little does he know that all I want is normal and quiet, not things.
Someone asked if I could get a job away from his family, I could with a lot of questions and harassment. My daughter is starting medical school in less than a month so I will need that salary for right now. Ugh, it's all a giant mess. I don't know what to say...
That's awesome news about your daughter. What a terrific accomplishment. That's a lot of hard work and you should both be very proud. Hope her studies go well.

For me untangling the giant mess of my life started with baby steps. Something that really helped me was educating myself about abuse, the cycle, the behavior patterns. There's almost a "playbook" these guys seem to use and seeing it all laid out made me feel like I wasn't alone and helped also with the feeling that I was going crazy- which my ex was very quick to say anytime I questioned his behavior.

If you can do some reading on the sly, there's an excellent book called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men," by Lundy Bancroft. It gave me a lot of insight into what made my ex tick. It's available for e-readers- Nook, Kindle, etc, which might be safer than having a hard copy around.

It took me some time to accept that the kindness, the caring and the little "bribes" from my ex were all actually part of the cycle of abuse. Those good times had a heavy price. I used to see him as almost 2 different people. The nice guy who bought me a writing desk one year for Christmas and the "monster" who smashed my desk chair when I refused to engage in a verbal argument with him. But all of that behavior is rooted in the same pattern of control and abuse, and he was the person doing all of it.

Cycle Of Violence - Domestic Violence
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Old 07-24-2016, 11:37 AM
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Yeah, my exah would try to buy my forgiveness and that of our sons. Instead of a heart felt humble apology, it was gifts, extravagant gifts. I hated them. Towards the end, when he knew I was near finished with him, he tried to buy me $10,000 curtains for our home. I told him no. He kept insisting. I finally screamed in rage I didn't want them or anything else before he would listen to me. Crazy. He's crazy and I became crazy. He also had the nerve to throw accusations that I wasn't happy unless he bought me something. I suppose that is easier to believe than to humble ones self and admit their out of control with addiction.

Here's is what is guaranteed...your AH will continue to have bouts of "niceness", though it is arguable if it's really nice, but he will most assuredly return to the cold, aloof, and mean person he is when drinking because he is in denial and seems perfectly comfortable being in that place. Unfortunately for us co-dependents, we are good at helping them be comfortable in their disease unwittingly.

Stay safe. Keep making your plans. Always have helpful numbers accessible for an emergency. Wouldn't hurt, if you can, to open a bank account that you can use to start putting money in little by little for an emergency with all banking information going to a new unknown email address. I'm glad you've found an outlet here with people who get it. I'm praying for you...hugs.
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Old 07-24-2016, 03:27 PM
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My ex was nice kind and loving most of the time- but drunk abusive and nasty when he was drinking and he wouldn't stop and I had finally had enough. After 33 years of marriage. I finally realized even one episode of abuse is enough. And if you love someone and you become abusive when you drink, you stop drinking altogether. If you are unwilling to stop drinking and being abusive- even if it's only once every couple of months, the marriage is over.
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Old 07-25-2016, 08:15 PM
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Spent the whole evening and night wondering where my husband was. My oldest son found him at the bar. Completely wasted. He even threatened my son with a pool cue to shut up when he told his dad that he was leaving and that he was not doing anymore shots. Good thing my son stood up to him and grabbed the cue stick and said we are leaving now. He has been passed out in the truck for hours with my youngest son asking if his dad was still out there and okay. This is complete lunacy. Funny how I could tell this morning something was brewing and asked him to take an antibuse pill. He wouldn't, because it makes his stomach hurt. I guess this really isn't going to get better.
I wasn't going to go looking for him yet again and let him live with whatever consequences. Is that horrible? Well get up in the morning and not speak about it and act like it never happened-again.
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Old 07-25-2016, 08:27 PM
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It is not horrible if you decide to not go looking for him. Let him do what alcoholics do and let him feel the consequences of it. It isn't being a bad person. Maybe, just maybe, he will hit his bottom, whatever that is, and then again, maybe not, but let him figure it out. You can take that burden off your shoulders and the shoulders of your son. That had to be horrific for your son to experience and for your youngest to worry about his dad passed out in the truck. My kids, I'm ashamed to say, were terrified when their dad drove drunk with them in the car. I am ashamed I allowed my sons to ever be in a car with their dad.

Please unpack that heavy backpack of burdens involving your AH that are not your responsibility. If you all had left him at the bar, at lease he wasn't home and you all would have had peace in the house. Use that time to bond with your sons, or talk with them about the elephant in the room and how it isn't their fault. In other words, focus on you and your sons and leave the alcoholic to the alcoholic.

I'm so sorry that happened to you and your family...Hugs to you and I pray you all find peace.
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Old 07-25-2016, 08:36 PM
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It was actually peaceful without him here. My daughter made dinner for the family and her boyfriend. We sat outside and had a great meal together. My son happened to see his dad's truck while he was out and stopped so that his dad wouldn't hurt someone else while driving. I think he actually felt kinda good about being able to stand up to his dad for the first time.
My husband has drove with my two youngest kids after drinking. It makes me ashamed also.
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Old 07-25-2016, 09:23 PM
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Glad to hear you had a good dinner with your kids LDG.

I so hope you can take whatever tiny steps possible to make things better for yourself. I agree with leave the alcoholic to the alcoholic. Hmmm . . . although your kids need to find their own way with this and the driving would send me crazy too.
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Old 07-26-2016, 06:01 AM
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Living, I finally told my exah that he was no longer allowed to drive my sons anywhere at anytime. I also told my kids they were not to ride with their dad, which was a relief to them because they were afraid to tell him no. It was a shocker to my ex and it made him uncomfortable because he would go places and show up without my sons only to have me later bring the boys and drop them off. It embarrassed him tho others didn't know that was what was happening. He needed to be uncomfortable and my sons needed to be safe. I would never have forgiven myself if something happened to them because of his drinking/driving.

It's not right. This isn't how things are suppose to be in our marriages. Hugs
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