ladyscribbler

I told him that we were lucky in a way because he didn't hurt us or abuse us,

You just described him verbally and emotionally abusing your children. This is denial and it does as much if not more damage than the abuse because it makes the kids feel that they don't have a right to their feelings. This is the type of behavior I grew up with, having my emotions totally invalidated and then being told I was lucky that no one was beating on me.

Please go get some help for yourself. I know you meant well, and the honesty was a positive step forward, but the entire talk sounds like a lot of utterly misguided future-tripping and dragging the kids into adult issues, making them partially responsible for the outcome because this was presented as a "choice" for them rather than an adult decision you were making in their best interest. I know that wasn't your intention, but wow. I'm so sorry your children experienced this. Made me flash back to my childhood.

You basically are just recruiting people to your "side" to validate your viewpoint- the friend's wife, the kids, us. I did that for a long time. What I really needed was to heal myself and do the work in order to be able to validate myself.

If this is too harsh ask a moderator to delete it. I try hard to be diplomatic, but please take a long, hard look at your behavior here.

mandybegins

First of all, these are not my exact words. Second of all, I don't know what to say. I'm not a perfect person, and I've been told I needed to talk to the kids and I did. Nobody told me what I was supposed to say. I don't know what the hell to say. I don't know my own mind 90% of the time. I have never said a word to them, and now that I have its damaging?!? This is why it's better not to talk, because everything I'm going to do or say is wrong anyway. I don't know what to say. I didn't create this, I don't want this! I had an open and honest discussion with my teenagers. I did the best I could. I asked for resources or ideas in talking to teenagers. I got nothing. I tried to look it up on the Internet and got a bunch of crap that doesn't apply to me/us.

And I didn't present anything as a choice.

mandybegins

And when I never actually said lucky. I said something along the lines of.
He's not an evil person, he doesn't hurt us or call us bad names or anything, but he gets drunk all the time and it's not ok.

So, maybe I should choose what I post here as fricking carefully as I tip toe around my husband as not to upset him. I didn't want to give you guys quote for quote but whatever.

I didn't invalidate anyone's feeling either...?

And for choices, if your talking about weather or not the kids would come along. I did not give them a choice. They volunteered that information. I told my senior daughter that's what I expected of her, and when my 15 year old said she would come along filling her sisters statement, I said, "I know you would, you wouldn't have a choice"

Because I'm not uprooting my 17 year old out of her senior year of high school where she is highly involved in clubs, is a class officer, also a college student finishing her freshmen year of college prior to graduating, etc three months before she turns 18 against her will.

mandybegins

And I'm not recruiting people to my "side".

How am I doing that? Because I wanted to opinion of a professional and someone who knows my family well and that I trust? I have never ever talked to anyone about it before in real life but by talking to my friend and my kids (which I was told in here over and over again to do!) I'm recruiting to validate my feelings? Sorry, but no. I am not recruiting.

I feel like I can't win here. The first actual real life thing I have ever done to move forward for myself and my kids even just a little bit and in told I've damaged my children.

mandybegins

But I didn't, I know I didn't. I know these girls so well. I talk with them for hours on end. They are intelligent, remarkable young women.

I didn't ask them what they thought, or what I should do. I told them, dad is an alcoholic. He drinks too much. We love him and he's not evil, but what he does is not ok. The craziness with the dog, that wasn't ok. I told them what would happen if nothing changes. Why it would have to happen. What we would do, how their future would be. That no matter what we would be ok.

I let them talk. I let them ask questions. I didn't let him off the hook. I didn't invalidate their feelings. I didn't give them any responsibility in any of this, and the only reaponsibility I gave myself was to do what is best for them and myself.

It maybe wasn't perfect, but it wasn't damaging. I also wasn't going to turn their dad into a villain. Because he's not. He's a generally very good man who has a very big bad problem that we can't fix and that we can't stay immersed in.

I have done everything I could their whole life not to damage them. I am not starting now.

fripfrop

For what it's worth, I think you handled the talk very with your kids very well. That comment about the damaging, was made by only one poster. Please don't get disheartened by one persons opinion

dandylion

mandy......the thing that we say, around here, especially in situations where there are a difference in opinion, or perception...or whatever.....is:

"Take what works for you and leave the rest"

In an open forum, like this, it is natural that there will be honest differences of opinion......Every person has their own experiences and there are differences in personality and style, as well...
Also, a lot is lost in internet "conversations" over face to face conversations....
There is body language and tone of voice, etc....that can make a big difference.....

Like Fripfrop said...try to let it roll....and don't get disheartened.....
Your situation is a difficult one...as we all know...and I do believe that you are trying your best.....
Keep it up...and, keep trying to get as much support as you can...everywhere you can......

I do believe that the poster has good intentions and her desire was not to hurt you....her observations come from her own l ife experiences......

LOL...I can remember being told to consider feedback that P***** me off (or hurts my feelings)....to consider every idea, with an open mind for 30minutes.....
to see if there is any shred of validity.....and, then let it go......
LOl...I have had to use that method quite a few times......

dandylion

FeelingGreat

mandy, you're in a situation where you can't take the easy way out, because there isn't one, so you will do what you think best as a loving mother. Please don't feel you can't share here because one poster would have done it differently.

I'm glad you're keeping your own money secretly because finances will be crucial. Your AH will have to contribute to the support of the children so you won't have to do it all on your own, and neither should you. Can I strongly recommend you seek legal advice about your rights and obligations as soon as practical?

You may be able to get him to leave the house, rather than you and the children having to leave, but it depends on his good will. He may feel very sorry at first then get angry later.

Using good old internet research and your own knowledge make a list of what would be involved in separating. You can then quietly start preparing. It makes sense to have most of your preparation done in advance before you talk to him.

I'm shocked at the way he sucks you dry. Wanting to be met at the door? Attending him while he pollutes you with smoke and sulking if you don't stop what you're doing to attend to him? It sounds like a very unequal relationship.

hopeful4

I think the point is being made more to so make sure you realize, what he is doing, yelling at your daughter like that, is a form of abuse. You don't want to minimize that in your own mind, or theirs.

I think it's very wise to speak to your children. I had, and still have, very open and honest talks with my children after I realized they were beginning to resent me b/c they could see I was keeping "secrets." In reality, I thought I was protecting them when they could see with eyes wide open their father's behavior. I have always since taken a very open and honest (age appropriate) way of speaking to them. I don't give them every little detail that would only hurt them, but I am honest about addiction and how it affects families. They are also in counseling which has helped immensely.

I will also say I am happy you sought your friend as a sounding board. So many times we just bottle it all up and try to handle it alone. You need to talk about it with people you trust, or you will combust. I think that's a great choice.

I don't think ultimatiums work very often. I encourage you to hope and pray for the best, yet to prepare for the worst. I second that you should see an attorney. It will make you feel more in control and give you your options in the situation.

Tight hugs.