So completely lost...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
Hi Mandy,
You have received some awesome (as always) feedback so far! I left my X almost 2 months ago. Besides the strength I got from those on this forum, 2 things changed my life:
1. I read the book Co-Dependent No More- Melody Beattie
2. The following post: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...89176-not.html
Life Changing.
I was also very scared and unsure of how and what to tell my kids. I have 2 sons, ages 7 and 10. I asked a counselor who had a lot of experience working with families of alcoholics about if I should tell them. I was told yes. Kids are not stupid. They know something isn't right. If you don't tell them, you are doing them a lot of damage. Also, your children will grow up to be adults who resent YOU, not the alcoholic, because YOU LIED TO THEM! This shocked me. I thought I was protecting them! This made complete sense. Even though my boys are young, they completely understood. It also made the leaving part much less complicated because they knew why we were leaving.
I am praying for your strength. You have showed us soooo much already! Also, I went back to school online at age 36, because I knew I would need to support them financially. I did it and am now able to provide them with everything they need... especially happiness and a joyful childhood.
You have received some awesome (as always) feedback so far! I left my X almost 2 months ago. Besides the strength I got from those on this forum, 2 things changed my life:
1. I read the book Co-Dependent No More- Melody Beattie
2. The following post: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...89176-not.html
Life Changing.
I was also very scared and unsure of how and what to tell my kids. I have 2 sons, ages 7 and 10. I asked a counselor who had a lot of experience working with families of alcoholics about if I should tell them. I was told yes. Kids are not stupid. They know something isn't right. If you don't tell them, you are doing them a lot of damage. Also, your children will grow up to be adults who resent YOU, not the alcoholic, because YOU LIED TO THEM! This shocked me. I thought I was protecting them! This made complete sense. Even though my boys are young, they completely understood. It also made the leaving part much less complicated because they knew why we were leaving.
I am praying for your strength. You have showed us soooo much already! Also, I went back to school online at age 36, because I knew I would need to support them financially. I did it and am now able to provide them with everything they need... especially happiness and a joyful childhood.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
Just chiming in about my experiences. I was so naive for many yrs about my AH's drinking. I was just focused on my kids, age 9&6 now. Kids know that something is wrong, even if they can't verbalize what it is exactly. My oldest would notice the signs of drinking before I would when he would relapse. She started school counseling last yr. Both kid's teachers know as well and have been very supportive.
I am 40 and just went back to work PT last yr. Remember small steps. I was scared about being without AH, but love the peace the kids and I have found.
I also find a lot of inner peace by stating the serenity prayer when I wake up and before I go to bed. I focus on what I can change in my life.
I am 40 and just went back to work PT last yr. Remember small steps. I was scared about being without AH, but love the peace the kids and I have found.
I also find a lot of inner peace by stating the serenity prayer when I wake up and before I go to bed. I focus on what I can change in my life.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Iowa
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by Katchie 
Mandy, you're not too old...I'm 44 starting over w/o any work experience other than raising my sons and home educating them over the years. I married at 20 and don't have a college degree either. You have goals and that's good. I know you feel badly, but when you have a moment to sit and reflect on everything that has happened over the years you'all see that guilt is misplaced. You deserve better. You deserve a spouse who is present and supports you instead of pouting when you don't follow him around like a pet. You deserve a sober spouse.
You'll be surprised at how much your children know and understand. I was shocked by the understanding my sons had. I'm still amazed at how my sons always knew before me that their dad was drinking again. Maybe I was so use to him always being drunk I forgot what the sober man was like..it did always hit me square between the eyes when he sobered up -- now that was noticeable!
I asked my kids one day if when they married and had kids of their own, if their dad was still drinking, would they bring their children to visit and stay with me. They said no. It broke my heart. I want to be a grandmother someday. I want my grandchildren to come stay with me, but I would expect nothing less than my sons to protect their own from a drunk grandpa who may try to drive them somewhere as their dad did with them. It was terrifying to my sons when that happened.
Hugs...you have a lot on your plate. Take your time -- one step and one day at a time. You and your kids are going to be ok!
You'll be surprised at how much your children know and understand. I was shocked by the understanding my sons had. I'm still amazed at how my sons always knew before me that their dad was drinking again. Maybe I was so use to him always being drunk I forgot what the sober man was like..it did always hit me square between the eyes when he sobered up -- now that was noticeable!
I asked my kids one day if when they married and had kids of their own, if their dad was still drinking, would they bring their children to visit and stay with me. They said no. It broke my heart. I want to be a grandmother someday. I want my grandchildren to come stay with me, but I would expect nothing less than my sons to protect their own from a drunk grandpa who may try to drive them somewhere as their dad did with them. It was terrifying to my sons when that happened.
Hugs...you have a lot on your plate. Take your time -- one step and one day at a time. You and your kids are going to be ok!
Thanks for sharing with me. I really do appreciate it. The more I read here, the more I understand how similar I am to all of you, and it's a comfort, and a wake up call.
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Posts: 35
Originally Posted by TropicalWinter
Just chiming in that you're DEFINITELY not too old - I turned 40 this year, and I'm starting my life over. My AH quit his job and left us, essentially abandoning us. If it weren't for the generosity of his parents, I don't know what I would have done - I'd been a stay at home mom since 2001, with little work experience and no real marketable skills. I'm back in school now studying medical lab technology, and I'm old enough to be the mother of most of my classmates, LOL.
It's scary, but there is a ton of support here. All the best to you.
It's scary, but there is a ton of support here. All the best to you.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Posts: 35
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
I'm over 50 with a 6-yr old, and I'm contemplating divorce. Talk about starting over at THAT advanced age!! I do look 10 years younger, however - not my assessment, but others. Regardless, it sucks to have to start over, but if it's without the company of an active A, then I'll do it.
I feel like I'm starting over at a point in my life where I should be this stable safe place for my children to come home to on college break. Not this wreck of a family with a mom who has to join her in college to be able to make ends meet.
I kind of go between being excited about having MY OWN life back to angry about having to do this to terrified and thinking there is no way I could make it on my own and will be alone for the rest of my life.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I'd suggest talking with your younger kids, too, in an age-appropriate way. There are books out there to help explain alcoholism, and as I mentioned, enlisting the aid of a school counselor can be EXTREMELY valuable.
Your younger kids may need it even more than the older ones. They are still trying to figure out how the world works, and you don't want them thinking that the way things are at your house is normal or OK. You don't have to (and shouldn't) paint their dad as a bad guy, but he is a sick guy, and not the kind of dad he probably would like to be.
Do some reading, talk to some professionals, before you try to talk to them. You don't need to do that this minute, either, but it should be part of your plan of action. Even after you leave he will still be their dad and will be impacting their lives for years to come. Best to deal with it now than try to repair the damage later.
Your younger kids may need it even more than the older ones. They are still trying to figure out how the world works, and you don't want them thinking that the way things are at your house is normal or OK. You don't have to (and shouldn't) paint their dad as a bad guy, but he is a sick guy, and not the kind of dad he probably would like to be.
Do some reading, talk to some professionals, before you try to talk to them. You don't need to do that this minute, either, but it should be part of your plan of action. Even after you leave he will still be their dad and will be impacting their lives for years to come. Best to deal with it now than try to repair the damage later.
I would like to talk to them about it, but I don't know how until my husband accepts that he is, indeed, an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Alaska
Posts: 22
I like your username! It sounds hopeful and strong. 
Mandy, there is no way to tell how your future life with your guy will end up. While he's making his choices, you have the power to make your own. Don't ever depend on someone else to make you happy--that was some of the best advice I ever received here. It took me a long, uphill climb, but I'm coasting down the other side now, free from my guy, alone but only lonely occasionally. Mostly empowered and thrilled to be building my new life the way I like it.
Alanon is awesome. (Underscore awesome.) Reading and educating yourself about addiction and codependency are critical. Focusing on you and your kids is your first line of defense when living with an alcoholic/weed addict.
As you get stronger, he will recognize it and try to sabotage your efforts. Don't take that personally. It's what alcoholics do to protect their illness. Rocking the boat means rocking his comfort level. You'll be okay. Focus on you and your kids' well-being and happiness. (Repeat as many times as necessary.) You can do it.
Mandy, there is no way to tell how your future life with your guy will end up. While he's making his choices, you have the power to make your own. Don't ever depend on someone else to make you happy--that was some of the best advice I ever received here. It took me a long, uphill climb, but I'm coasting down the other side now, free from my guy, alone but only lonely occasionally. Mostly empowered and thrilled to be building my new life the way I like it.
Alanon is awesome. (Underscore awesome.) Reading and educating yourself about addiction and codependency are critical. Focusing on you and your kids is your first line of defense when living with an alcoholic/weed addict.
As you get stronger, he will recognize it and try to sabotage your efforts. Don't take that personally. It's what alcoholics do to protect their illness. Rocking the boat means rocking his comfort level. You'll be okay. Focus on you and your kids' well-being and happiness. (Repeat as many times as necessary.) You can do it.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Posts: 35
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
When he's home, he likes to sit in the garage and smoke. I need to stand there and talk to him. If I don't, he pouts. When he comes inside he likes to sit in his chair and watch TV. I need to sit in the living room with him and watch TV. If I am on my phone, or the computer, or reading a book. He pouts. He doesn't speak to me, he never comes to find me, he never, EVER makes sure he's by MY side, but if I don't follow him around like a dog, he's mad.
That sounds like a big, irritating waste of your time, like a pile of resentments in the making. What if he gets mad? Is that something you actually need to be afraid of, or is he just a crybaby when he doesn't get his way? If he's just whining, then this is a place where you can begin to detach. Instead of volunteering to be the audience for his drunken one-man show, why not go find something you would enjoy doing? Take the kids out for ice cream. Do you have any hobbies? You could take an online class. Take back those hours of your life.
I'm 38, btw. I left my ex and started over when I was 35. The only thing worse than leaving when I was 35 would have been wasting any more of my precious life waiting for my ex to get sober.
That sounds like a big, irritating waste of your time, like a pile of resentments in the making. What if he gets mad? Is that something you actually need to be afraid of, or is he just a crybaby when he doesn't get his way? If he's just whining, then this is a place where you can begin to detach. Instead of volunteering to be the audience for his drunken one-man show, why not go find something you would enjoy doing? Take the kids out for ice cream. Do you have any hobbies? You could take an online class. Take back those hours of your life.
I'm 38, btw. I left my ex and started over when I was 35. The only thing worse than leaving when I was 35 would have been wasting any more of my precious life waiting for my ex to get sober.
I don't physically fear him. So I guess the so what is true. So what if he gets angry. He pouts. He makes me feel uncomfortable. He loses his temper with the kids and yells at them. He slams doors and makes sarcastic accusing comments to me.
But he's a HUGE time suck. Gosh I waste so much time trying to make him happy, knowing he won't be happy anyway. I don't even know why I do it. It's just what I've always done. And I always did with my dad, however long ago. He was not an alcoholic, but he was an angry, demanding dad and I always had to be there. If something went wrong it was my fault. I remember once he was in the yard moving something in the tractor (we lived on a farm) and he took out the power line and he raged at me for an hour. That he was out there working and I was sitting on my ass in the house and that I should have been watching and warned him that he was going to hit the power line.
I was so hysterically sorry. I must have been about 13. It's just one ridiculous example of an ongoing thing. So I found my boyfriend (now husband) and he "saved" me from my emotionally abusive father. hahaha And I lived with dad because MOM lost custody/visitation rights of me when I was 7 for being an addict and abandoning the home and supposedly letting her boyfriend sexually assault me (I have no recollection of that). And I grew up white, upper middle class, with a lake cabin and weekend ski trips to the mountains and weeks at resorts. So that shows you about class and money.
My dad always made me feel like I was lying, even when I was telling the truth. My husband does the same thing. Always accusing me of things, and then giving me the 5th degree on every little second of my day. I start to falter, to backpedal... because he makes me nervous. I don't go anywhere alone anymore because of it. He can't accuse me of cheating if I have one of the children with me every time I leave the house.
And I told my step mom once that I essentially married my dad. She told me she was so sorry...
Gosh I'm a mess of a woman.... I started reading about codependency and detachment and whatnot. I've been a codependent my entire life. When my friend would scrape their knee when I was like 4 and they would cry, I would cry also. I always cry when others cry. I feel angry when others are angry, hurt when others are hurt. So to make ME feel good, I have to make THEM feel good.
If I wasn't such a control freak, I'd probably be an alcoholic myself, because honestly the only time I don't mirror others emotions is when I'm drunk. lol
Like I said, I'm such a huge mess!
THIS SITE and all of you have been such an AMAZING, help to me!!! INCREDIBLE. I'm, for the first time, figuring out what is wrong with me. All of your questions, guidance are helping ME figure out ME because I have never, ever talked about any of this to anyone ever before. I'm like a vessel of dirty, ugly, secrets.
Even though I thought it wasn't me who had the problem! LOL! I thought it was him!
I'm learning, at least!!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Iowa
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by caretaker88
Hi Mandy,
You have received some awesome (as always) feedback so far! I left my X almost 2 months ago. Besides the strength I got from those on this forum, 2 things changed my life:
1. I read the book Co-Dependent No More- Melody Beattie
2. The following post: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...89176-not.html
Life Changing.
I was also very scared and unsure of how and what to tell my kids. I have 2 sons, ages 7 and 10. I asked a counselor who had a lot of experience working with families of alcoholics about if I should tell them. I was told yes. Kids are not stupid. They know something isn't right. If you don't tell them, you are doing them a lot of damage. Also, alcoholic, because YOU LIED TO THEM! This shocked me. I thought I was protecting them! This made complete sense. Even though my boys are young, they completely understood. It also made the leaving part much less complicated because they knew why we were leaving.
I am praying for your strength. You have showed us soooo much already! Also, I went back to school online at age 36, because I knew I would need to support them financially. I did it and am now able to provide them with everything they need... especially happiness and a your children will grow up to be adults who resent YOU, not the joyful childhood.
You have received some awesome (as always) feedback so far! I left my X almost 2 months ago. Besides the strength I got from those on this forum, 2 things changed my life:
1. I read the book Co-Dependent No More- Melody Beattie
2. The following post: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...89176-not.html
Life Changing.
I was also very scared and unsure of how and what to tell my kids. I have 2 sons, ages 7 and 10. I asked a counselor who had a lot of experience working with families of alcoholics about if I should tell them. I was told yes. Kids are not stupid. They know something isn't right. If you don't tell them, you are doing them a lot of damage. Also, alcoholic, because YOU LIED TO THEM! This shocked me. I thought I was protecting them! This made complete sense. Even though my boys are young, they completely understood. It also made the leaving part much less complicated because they knew why we were leaving.
I am praying for your strength. You have showed us soooo much already! Also, I went back to school online at age 36, because I knew I would need to support them financially. I did it and am now able to provide them with everything they need... especially happiness and a your children will grow up to be adults who resent YOU, not the joyful childhood.
I started reading Co-Dependent no more! 10 years ago a friend left this book at my house. She didn't tell me to read it or anything. I just thought she forgot it. I told her she left it there once, and she didn't seem concerned. I've just been packing it up and moving it around. When I came on these forums and started reading and seeing the word codependent tossed around I decided to find the book and start reading it. I started it yesterday and have read about half.
WOW! All I can say is WOW! I'm certainly codependent. I know other people who are codependent also. I heard a song today that was codependent. haha
My question is, did my codependency MAKE him an alcoholic? Because I know it says you CAN'T make him an alcoholic BUT.... I was codependent before I met him.
And even better yet. My reading that book may have saved my 15 year old daughter because in this weird way I was also codependent on her! Not to the same degree, but I really started thinking about how unhealthy some of my interactions have been with her the last year or so, although not with any of my other kids. She has a stronger personality, like my husband, and somehow.... So I've already put the stop to that! I can't put a burden like ME on HER!! Whew! Thanks for that!!!
I'm going to check out that post though, also. I am learning so much.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Posts: 35
Originally Posted by KidsR#1
Just chiming in about my experiences. I was so naive for many yrs about my AH's drinking. I was just focused on my kids, age 9&6 now. Kids know that something is wrong, even if they can't verbalize what it is exactly. My oldest would notice the signs of drinking before I would when he would relapse. She started school counseling last yr. Both kid's teachers know as well and have been very supportive.
I am 40 and just went back to work PT last yr. Remember small steps. I was scared about being without AH, but love the peace the kids and I have found.
I also find a lot of inner peace by stating the serenity prayer when I wake up and before I go to bed. I focus on what I can change in my life.
I am 40 and just went back to work PT last yr. Remember small steps. I was scared about being without AH, but love the peace the kids and I have found.
I also find a lot of inner peace by stating the serenity prayer when I wake up and before I go to bed. I focus on what I can change in my life.
I don't know you, but I'm so proud of you to be doing what you are doing. I know it can't possibly be easy, but probably easier, in another way.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Mandy,
Your openness and honesty really struck a chord with me.
You know, I had a strive for perfectionism. I hated to be wrong, I was always wrong, and not matter what I did to be better, was never good enough.
I am now coming to believe that just being yourself, faults, or not, is OK. Who would ever believe that when we were growing up.
It is actually OK to just be "you".
I think this was a very thoughtful thread here, you put a lot into it, and I really do appreciate how much of yourself that you put out there. You are a beautiful person, with a beautiful soul.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
Your openness and honesty really struck a chord with me.
You know, I had a strive for perfectionism. I hated to be wrong, I was always wrong, and not matter what I did to be better, was never good enough.
I am now coming to believe that just being yourself, faults, or not, is OK. Who would ever believe that when we were growing up.
It is actually OK to just be "you".
I think this was a very thoughtful thread here, you put a lot into it, and I really do appreciate how much of yourself that you put out there. You are a beautiful person, with a beautiful soul.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Iowa
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by JennyGrace
I like your username! It sounds hopeful and strong.
Mandy, there is no way to tell how your future life with your guy will end up. While he's making his choices, you have the power to make your own. Don't ever depend on someone else to make you happy--that was some of the best advice I ever received here. It took me a long, uphill climb, but I'm coasting down the other side now, free from my guy, alone but only lonely occasionally. Mostly empowered and thrilled to be building my new life the way I like it.
Alanon is awesome. (Underscore awesome.) Reading and educating yourself about addiction and codependency are critical. Focusing on you and your kids is your first line of defense when living with an alcoholic/weed addict.
As you get stronger, he will recognize it and try to sabotage your efforts. Don't take that personally. It's what alcoholics do to protect their illness. Rocking the boat means rocking his comfort level. You'll be okay. Focus on you and your kids' well-being and happiness. (Repeat as many times as necessary.) You can do it.
Mandy, there is no way to tell how your future life with your guy will end up. While he's making his choices, you have the power to make your own. Don't ever depend on someone else to make you happy--that was some of the best advice I ever received here. It took me a long, uphill climb, but I'm coasting down the other side now, free from my guy, alone but only lonely occasionally. Mostly empowered and thrilled to be building my new life the way I like it.
Alanon is awesome. (Underscore awesome.) Reading and educating yourself about addiction and codependency are critical. Focusing on you and your kids is your first line of defense when living with an alcoholic/weed addict.
As you get stronger, he will recognize it and try to sabotage your efforts. Don't take that personally. It's what alcoholics do to protect their illness. Rocking the boat means rocking his comfort level. You'll be okay. Focus on you and your kids' well-being and happiness. (Repeat as many times as necessary.) You can do it.
I'm happy for you that you are on the other side and HAPPY! And FREE to live YOUR life as YOU want to. Oh.... the sweet feeling of freedom that I only get glimpses of here and there. I'm so happy alone. I used to be afraid of being alone, but I really like it now.
Seeng so many of you have gotten through this, it gives me hope. It's so hard to imagine ME being through it though. Hard to know how to get from here to there.
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Originally Posted by amy55
Hi Mandy,
Your openness and honesty really struck a chord with me.
You know, I had a strive for perfectionism. I hated to be wrong, I was always wrong, and not matter what I did to be better, was never good enough.
I am now coming to believe that just being yourself, faults, or not, is OK. Who would ever believe that when we were growing up.
It is actually OK to just be "you".
I think this was a very thoughtful thread here, you put a lot into it, and I really do appreciate how much of yourself that you put out there. You are a beautiful person, with a beautiful soul.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
Your openness and honesty really struck a chord with me.
You know, I had a strive for perfectionism. I hated to be wrong, I was always wrong, and not matter what I did to be better, was never good enough.
I am now coming to believe that just being yourself, faults, or not, is OK. Who would ever believe that when we were growing up.
It is actually OK to just be "you".
I think this was a very thoughtful thread here, you put a lot into it, and I really do appreciate how much of yourself that you put out there. You are a beautiful person, with a beautiful soul.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
"She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough.
I'm a little bit rusty and I think my head is caving in.
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
by a hand that's touched me, and I feel
like something's going to give.
And I'm a little bit angry"
It was true then, and it's still true now for me.... Because I don't know that I've ever been good enough OR really loved and I'm a little bit angry and feel like somethings going to give.
Thank you so much Amy! You must be a beautiful soul. Maybe all of us codependents are. We are nice people. Really, too nice. And maybe a little bit of a pushover.
Not any more though. I don't want to be pushed around anymore. I just want to be me. I don't know where you are in your journey, but I hope that you are able to be YOU!
You brought me to tears Amy! Because you said, "Who would have ever believe that when we were growing up." I hope you didn't grow up like I did.
I was so, horribly, terribly messed up. I probably should see a therapist, but I can't afford one. You guys are better than a therapist anyway.
You are strangers on the internet, but I know you are real, and that you have felt things like me, and so many of you GOT THROUGH!
I think you guys might be saving my life...
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Whew! You guys all say such wonderful things and I feel like I should address each thing you say separately and then that gets me thinking about other things and..... I haven't typed this much since college!
So in reading Codependent No More it talks about the importance of detaching. And I see that here, but I don't really understand it. I don't know how. I think in a way I have been detaching lately. I've just gotten tired of some of it.
Like he wouldn't come to bed unless I would TELL him to go to bed. So he's been sleeping on the couch for the past month. It wasn't just telling him to either. It was waking him up two to four times and took 10 minutes or so. So tiring at the end of a long day. Detaching?
As I mentioned before. He liked me to greet him at the door. Then stand/sit with him wherever he was and do whatever he was doing. This included smoking cigarettes. Which I do on occasion, socially, but have never had an addiction to. Not sure why not. I am perfectly happy to go weeks/months without smoking, but I was smoking nearly every day to "socialize" with him. I've stopped doing all of that following him around and doing what he does unless it's what I want to do. I'm happy to be stopping that!
We have all of these unfinished projects around the house that I've been waiting on him to do. And I've just started doing them myself. He was shocked to come home in the middle of the day (he stops by from 3-4 every day before heading back to work) and I had primed an entire room without asking his permission or having his "help". Hahaha. I did another room today. It makes me laugh that he's pouty about it. They are colors he picked that I've always hated. Boy it made me soooo happy to paint over that!
How do I detach myself emotionally though? How do I STOP feeling what he's feeling. How do I stop mirroring his emotions? I guess when he was pouty today about the painting, I was just happy and ignored him. But when he came home all drunk and pouty, I went back to being his little "make me happy" dog and warmed up supper for him and put everything down to watch the movie he decided to put on. (until he passed out. Then I came on here!)
I just don't know how to detach my emotions when he's drunk and stop trying to make him happy. I can't stand confrontation. That's how we got in this mess.
WHY? I know my childhood and all that, but WHY ME? WHY? What did I do to deserve this life? Seriously, honestly. I have never in my life purposely hurt anyone. I cry when I hit a bird or gofer or something with my car. I don't understand WHY CAN'T I BE FRICKING HAPPY?!?
So in reading Codependent No More it talks about the importance of detaching. And I see that here, but I don't really understand it. I don't know how. I think in a way I have been detaching lately. I've just gotten tired of some of it.
Like he wouldn't come to bed unless I would TELL him to go to bed. So he's been sleeping on the couch for the past month. It wasn't just telling him to either. It was waking him up two to four times and took 10 minutes or so. So tiring at the end of a long day. Detaching?
As I mentioned before. He liked me to greet him at the door. Then stand/sit with him wherever he was and do whatever he was doing. This included smoking cigarettes. Which I do on occasion, socially, but have never had an addiction to. Not sure why not. I am perfectly happy to go weeks/months without smoking, but I was smoking nearly every day to "socialize" with him. I've stopped doing all of that following him around and doing what he does unless it's what I want to do. I'm happy to be stopping that!
We have all of these unfinished projects around the house that I've been waiting on him to do. And I've just started doing them myself. He was shocked to come home in the middle of the day (he stops by from 3-4 every day before heading back to work) and I had primed an entire room without asking his permission or having his "help". Hahaha. I did another room today. It makes me laugh that he's pouty about it. They are colors he picked that I've always hated. Boy it made me soooo happy to paint over that!
How do I detach myself emotionally though? How do I STOP feeling what he's feeling. How do I stop mirroring his emotions? I guess when he was pouty today about the painting, I was just happy and ignored him. But when he came home all drunk and pouty, I went back to being his little "make me happy" dog and warmed up supper for him and put everything down to watch the movie he decided to put on. (until he passed out. Then I came on here!)
I just don't know how to detach my emotions when he's drunk and stop trying to make him happy. I can't stand confrontation. That's how we got in this mess.
WHY? I know my childhood and all that, but WHY ME? WHY? What did I do to deserve this life? Seriously, honestly. I have never in my life purposely hurt anyone. I cry when I hit a bird or gofer or something with my car. I don't understand WHY CAN'T I BE FRICKING HAPPY?!?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Mandy, I too, spent my entire life believing that if I made others happy, they would do the same for me.
The only person who can make me happy is me.
It is not an overnight transition. It requires a foundation of solid self-esteem and a willingness to let go if a lot of ideas that don't seem weird or unreasonable until you're long out of this stage. I found help through one on one therapy but Al-Anon is also a good place to begin. I know he won't like it if you go, but it's not about him, it's about you.
One more thing, your codependency did NOT - I repeat, 100% did NOT - cause his alcoholism. But it is highly likely that the two of you were drawn to each other in the first place because of your individual issues.
The only person who can make me happy is me.
It is not an overnight transition. It requires a foundation of solid self-esteem and a willingness to let go if a lot of ideas that don't seem weird or unreasonable until you're long out of this stage. I found help through one on one therapy but Al-Anon is also a good place to begin. I know he won't like it if you go, but it's not about him, it's about you.
One more thing, your codependency did NOT - I repeat, 100% did NOT - cause his alcoholism. But it is highly likely that the two of you were drawn to each other in the first place because of your individual issues.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Hey Mandy, glad you're reading and posting. I know it's a lot to digest. I also grew up in an environment where I was made to feel responsible for other people's emotions. My dad is an alcoholic, very nasty and ill-tempered, occasionally violent and my mom is mentally ill and used to self-medicate with street drugs. They divorced when I was very young and I spent most of my time at mom's, with dad and stepmom having us every other weekend and several weeks in the summer. Amy55's story of being the scapegoat is a familiar one to me, nothing I did was ever right or good enough and there was plenty of verbal and emotional (sometimes physical) abuse to go around with all the blaming and shaming.
I know it's hard when you're so used to tiptoeing around someone's moods, but your husband's unhappiness really has nothing to do with you. He is miserable because he's an active alcoholic, you and the kids are just convenient targets for his blame and anger. I know how hard it is not to take it personally, but it's the truth.
I carried all of that shame and self-hatred with me through my entire life, wherever I went- college, the military, back to college (btw, I was 30 when I went back and finished my B.A., by no means the oldest student in most of my classes, there were plenty of people of all ages either continuing or beginning their educations). And of course into ALL of my relationships, romantic and otherwise. Despite being in my own emotional recovery through Al Anon and individual therapy, I still get a twinge of discomfort when I sense that another person is experiencing anger, sadness, disappointment or any other "uncomfortable" emotion. I have that moment of wanting to fix it for them. It is definitely not something that goes away overnight.
I think that your self- awareness is amazing, and there's no need to beat yourself up because you fell into an old behavior pattern. This is tough stuff and "progress, not perfection" is what we like to say around here. Therapy helped me deal with that stuff, but Al Anon was the real game-changer for me as far as breaking that cycle of unhealthy behavior and thinking. It's really what the program was designed to do, and the fellowship allowed me to break my isolation and develop a circle of friends who support me and accept me as I am.
You must be in a rural area to be an hour from the closest Al Anon meeting. You might want to try calling the local phone # in your area. Sometime the online schedules aren't kept totally up to date (progress, not perfection right?) and meetings may be added without making it onto the website. Maybe when the kids are back to school you could look for a daytime meeting.
You don't have to wait for your husband to admit that he's an alcoholic to start taking action. Many of the real life "success stories" I know came about when a wife began attending Al Anon meetings and changing the way she interacted with the alcoholic. In those cases the drinker decided on their own to begin attending AA meetings and these are folks with many decades of continuous, unbroken sobriety and real emotional recovery from the selfish attitudes and alcoholic behaviors. No guarantees, but nothing changes if nothing changes, and your AH has no reason to want to change right now. He gets all of his needs met with little to no effort. He gets to drink and do whatever he wants and all he has to do is pout and throw around some blame and ridiculous accusations and everyone comes running to appease his mood and try to fix things for him. Great for him, but pretty crappy for the rest of you.
I know it's hard when you're so used to tiptoeing around someone's moods, but your husband's unhappiness really has nothing to do with you. He is miserable because he's an active alcoholic, you and the kids are just convenient targets for his blame and anger. I know how hard it is not to take it personally, but it's the truth.
I carried all of that shame and self-hatred with me through my entire life, wherever I went- college, the military, back to college (btw, I was 30 when I went back and finished my B.A., by no means the oldest student in most of my classes, there were plenty of people of all ages either continuing or beginning their educations). And of course into ALL of my relationships, romantic and otherwise. Despite being in my own emotional recovery through Al Anon and individual therapy, I still get a twinge of discomfort when I sense that another person is experiencing anger, sadness, disappointment or any other "uncomfortable" emotion. I have that moment of wanting to fix it for them. It is definitely not something that goes away overnight.
I think that your self- awareness is amazing, and there's no need to beat yourself up because you fell into an old behavior pattern. This is tough stuff and "progress, not perfection" is what we like to say around here. Therapy helped me deal with that stuff, but Al Anon was the real game-changer for me as far as breaking that cycle of unhealthy behavior and thinking. It's really what the program was designed to do, and the fellowship allowed me to break my isolation and develop a circle of friends who support me and accept me as I am.
You must be in a rural area to be an hour from the closest Al Anon meeting. You might want to try calling the local phone # in your area. Sometime the online schedules aren't kept totally up to date (progress, not perfection right?) and meetings may be added without making it onto the website. Maybe when the kids are back to school you could look for a daytime meeting.
You don't have to wait for your husband to admit that he's an alcoholic to start taking action. Many of the real life "success stories" I know came about when a wife began attending Al Anon meetings and changing the way she interacted with the alcoholic. In those cases the drinker decided on their own to begin attending AA meetings and these are folks with many decades of continuous, unbroken sobriety and real emotional recovery from the selfish attitudes and alcoholic behaviors. No guarantees, but nothing changes if nothing changes, and your AH has no reason to want to change right now. He gets all of his needs met with little to no effort. He gets to drink and do whatever he wants and all he has to do is pout and throw around some blame and ridiculous accusations and everyone comes running to appease his mood and try to fix things for him. Great for him, but pretty crappy for the rest of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Iowa
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Mandy, I too, spent my entire life believing that if I made others happy, they would do the same for me.
The only person who can make me happy is me.
It is not an overnight transition. It requires a foundation of solid self-esteem and a willingness to let go if a lot of ideas that don't seem weird or unreasonable until you're long out of this stage. I found help through one on one therapy but Al-Anon is also a good place to begin. I know he won't like it if you go, but it's not about him, it's about you.
One more thing, your codependency did NOT - I repeat, 100% did NOT - cause his alcoholism. But it is highly likely that the two of you were drawn to each other in the first place because of your individual issues.
The only person who can make me happy is me.
It is not an overnight transition. It requires a foundation of solid self-esteem and a willingness to let go if a lot of ideas that don't seem weird or unreasonable until you're long out of this stage. I found help through one on one therapy but Al-Anon is also a good place to begin. I know he won't like it if you go, but it's not about him, it's about you.
One more thing, your codependency did NOT - I repeat, 100% did NOT - cause his alcoholism. But it is highly likely that the two of you were drawn to each other in the first place because of your individual issues.
I just don't know if I can go to Alanon meetings an hour away from me. I would need to take my kids and I don't have that kind of spare time.
It's a comfort to think I didn't cause the alcoholism with my codependency. These codependent habits are so ingrained in me.... I've done these things my entire life, I've always identified them as my personality, so it's going to be a struggle to change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Iowa
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Hey Mandy, glad you're reading and posting. I know it's a lot to digest. I also grew up in an environment where I was made to feel responsible for other people's emotions. My dad is an alcoholic, very nasty and ill-tempered, occasionally violent and my mom is mentally ill and used to self-medicate with street drugs. They divorced when I was very young and I spent most of my time at mom's, with dad and stepmom having us every other weekend and several weeks in the summer. Amy55's story of being the scapegoat is a familiar one to me, nothing I did was ever right or good enough and there was plenty of verbal and emotional (sometimes physical) abuse to go around with all the blaming and shaming.
I know it's hard when you're so used to tiptoeing around someone's moods, but your husband's unhappiness really has nothing to do with you. He is miserable because he's an active alcoholic, you and the kids are just convenient targets for his blame and anger. I know how hard it is not to take it personally, but it's the truth.
I carried all of that shame and self-hatred with me through my entire life, wherever I went- college, the military, back to college (btw, I was 30 when I went back and finished my B.A., by no means the oldest student in most of my classes, there were plenty of people of all ages either continuing or beginning their educations). And of course into ALL of my relationships, romantic and otherwise. Despite being in my own emotional recovery through Al Anon and individual therapy, I still get a twinge of discomfort when I sense that another person is experiencing anger, sadness, disappointment or any other "uncomfortable" emotion. I have that moment of wanting to fix it for them. It is definitely not something that goes away overnight.
I think that your self- awareness is amazing, and there's no need to beat yourself up because you fell into an old behavior pattern. This is tough stuff and "progress, not perfection" is what we like to say around here. Therapy helped me deal with that stuff, but Al Anon was the real game-changer for me as far as breaking that cycle of unhealthy behavior and thinking. It's really what the program was designed to do, and the fellowship allowed me to break my isolation and develop a circle of friends who support me and accept me as I am.
You must be in a rural area to be an hour from the closest Al Anon meeting. You might want to try calling the local phone # in your area. Sometime the online schedules aren't kept totally up to date (progress, not perfection right?) and meetings may be added without making it onto the website. Maybe when the kids are back to school you could look for a daytime meeting.
You don't have to wait for your husband to admit that he's an alcoholic to start taking action. Many of the real life "success stories" I know came about when a wife began attending Al Anon meetings and changing the way she interacted with the alcoholic. In those cases the drinker decided on their own to begin attending AA meetings and these are folks with many decades of continuous, unbroken sobriety and real emotional recovery from the selfish attitudes and alcoholic behaviors. No guarantees, but nothing changes if nothing changes, and your AH has no reason to want to change right now. He gets all of his needs met with little to no effort. He gets to drink and do whatever he wants and all he has to do is pout and throw around some blame and ridiculous accusations and everyone comes running to appease his mood and try to fix things for him. Great for him, but pretty crappy for the rest of you.
I know it's hard when you're so used to tiptoeing around someone's moods, but your husband's unhappiness really has nothing to do with you. He is miserable because he's an active alcoholic, you and the kids are just convenient targets for his blame and anger. I know how hard it is not to take it personally, but it's the truth.
I carried all of that shame and self-hatred with me through my entire life, wherever I went- college, the military, back to college (btw, I was 30 when I went back and finished my B.A., by no means the oldest student in most of my classes, there were plenty of people of all ages either continuing or beginning their educations). And of course into ALL of my relationships, romantic and otherwise. Despite being in my own emotional recovery through Al Anon and individual therapy, I still get a twinge of discomfort when I sense that another person is experiencing anger, sadness, disappointment or any other "uncomfortable" emotion. I have that moment of wanting to fix it for them. It is definitely not something that goes away overnight.
I think that your self- awareness is amazing, and there's no need to beat yourself up because you fell into an old behavior pattern. This is tough stuff and "progress, not perfection" is what we like to say around here. Therapy helped me deal with that stuff, but Al Anon was the real game-changer for me as far as breaking that cycle of unhealthy behavior and thinking. It's really what the program was designed to do, and the fellowship allowed me to break my isolation and develop a circle of friends who support me and accept me as I am.
You must be in a rural area to be an hour from the closest Al Anon meeting. You might want to try calling the local phone # in your area. Sometime the online schedules aren't kept totally up to date (progress, not perfection right?) and meetings may be added without making it onto the website. Maybe when the kids are back to school you could look for a daytime meeting.
You don't have to wait for your husband to admit that he's an alcoholic to start taking action. Many of the real life "success stories" I know came about when a wife began attending Al Anon meetings and changing the way she interacted with the alcoholic. In those cases the drinker decided on their own to begin attending AA meetings and these are folks with many decades of continuous, unbroken sobriety and real emotional recovery from the selfish attitudes and alcoholic behaviors. No guarantees, but nothing changes if nothing changes, and your AH has no reason to want to change right now. He gets all of his needs met with little to no effort. He gets to drink and do whatever he wants and all he has to do is pout and throw around some blame and ridiculous accusations and everyone comes running to appease his mood and try to fix things for him. Great for him, but pretty crappy for the rest of you.
He does want to change. I don't think he recognizes drinking as the problem, but he's very unhappy and he knows it. He knows I am unhappy, although I do my best to mask it. I think he is lost also in knowing something needs to change but not knowing how. That's where I have been also.
I'm starting to move a little. Starting to plan, to change, to act different and BE different. Maybe we can get the ball rolling. Maybe he can reach out to his recovered friend who was once on deaths door and get the help he needs. Maybe he'll continue this cycle until he kills himself. I guess I have to do what I have to do, which is kind of a freeing idea in and of itself. I mean, when I start letting go of responsibility for him and his feelings and his thoughts and his actions, that's a freeing thing. I'm not good at it yet, but hopefully I'll get there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Iowa
Posts: 35
Well, I have done a few things since posting in here last.
We had my husbands best friend and his wife come and stay with us. I wasn't thrilled about it as it always is a night of drinking, and this was no exception, but I thought if I could talk to anyone about this, it would be my husband's best friends wife. Her husband is similar. She is a nurse, is intelligent and not prone to overreaction or underreaction and to be frank, I like her, she likes my husband, and would be a voice of reason.
So my husband and his best friend went to his place of business and she and I stayed at my house with the kids and I told her that I thought he was an alcoholic.
She listened, we talked, she agreed. She said her husband is a functional alcoholic also. We discussed another one of their friends who is a five year AA sober former alcoholic. Then she let me know that another one of their best friends had also recently become sober as his wife threatened to leave him and that he kept a bottle of vodka in his desk.
When husband came home he was drunk, and she told me that yes, he is different now. She said she'd never seen him stumbling or slurring his speech before. She actually talked to him and told him that she was worried about HER husband being an alcoholic and drinking 4-5 beers a day. He admitted to drinking 10+ beers a day. He admitted to not eating. Our teenage daughters were listening. They chimed in with their own reasoning of why THEY thought he was an alcoholic. His best friends wife shared with him that she found out their other good friend is now sober.
He sobered up pretty quickly and we enjoyed the rest of our evening. Despite him having to have drank at least 15 beers. She challenged him to go a few days without drinking to see if he went through withdrawal. He said he does that all the time and never has withdrawal.
He didn't drink on Sunday. I thought maybe something sunk in.
Monday. He got completely wasted. He came home so angry. He was yelling at me and my 15 year old that why does everyone in town know what's going on in town but him. He was accusing our daughter of something that we couldn't quite figure out what. Then it was about me. Later I found out somebody had said that they had seen our daughter walking our dog, but called our dog by name. He implied that meant that somebody was having some sort of relationship with this man. Most likely me. I laughed at him. He's ridiculous. This guy is like 22 and although we work together in the same building, I have really only spoken to him briefly in passing. "Hey, how are you?" "great, you?" kind of a thing. Its a small town, everybody knows everybody. After investigation, it turned out he knows our dog's name because he follows our 17 year old on social media and actually has a sibling of our dog, and they've talked about them. He was yelling, swearing, slurring, falling over drunk. Because somebody knew our dogs name? I JUST CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
I walk around our house, and I'm so very sad, because we have finally gotten to the place where we have everything I've ever wanted. We have everything. We remodeled and I designed everything, from the kitchen to a bathroom addition to the living room. I bought all the furniture and decorations. Our children have a playset in the yard and best friends in the neighborhood. My husband has really tried his best to GIVE me everything I want. And so I walk around and look at our home and I see all the love that he has shown me and our family.
Our life would really be storybook perfect, except he's a drunk. I love him in the morning and hate him at night. He's like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Tonight he was drunk when he came home. He was yelling at the TV during the democratic national convention. Stuff he was yelling didn't make sense and I was silent, but so annoyed. Shut up. Be a reasonable person. Don't be a drunk. I'm always so irritated with him. Tomorrow morning we will talk, and I'll wonder how I could have ever felt this way, and then tomorrow night I'll hate him again. It's so tiring.
After hearing my teenagers chime in on the alcoholic discussion I knew we had to talk. So I took them out to supper on Tuesday night. I told them the reality of their dad's drinking, and that if it didn't change that we would have to leave. I told him that we were lucky in a way because he didn't hurt us or abuse us, but that we can't live with a man who gets drunk every night forever. I explained how bad it is for the younger kids even if they thought they could handle it. My 17 year old completely understood. She has been talking ot her cousin about her dad being an alcoholic. My 15 year old didn't get it until I finally said, "And it's not just for you guys sake. It's for mine. I can't stand tip-toeing around your dad every single night for the rest of my life. I can't live like this forever." And then she was understanding.
My 17 year old shared with me that if we left our town she would not come along. She would live with one of her grandparents and finish her senior year here. I told her that was perfectly understandable. I expected nothing less. My 15 year old said she would come. I told her she might have to share a room with her 10 year old sister in the apartment and she was like, "We won't have a house?!?" Then my 17 year old chimed in that I wouldn't be able to afford a house right away. Then she was sullen.
I told them that nothing is yet set in stone, and that this is NOT how I want it to be, but that they need to prepare themselves for the reality that if nothing changes, that thing might have to change. I also said that no matter what happens, we will get through it.
Nobody cried. Nobody complained. Nobody called me a good for nothing mother because I considered leaving their father. It was as successful as I could hope for it to be. And it opened up the lines of communication.
I still don't WANT to, but it's so wrong to keep the kids here, isn't it? Or is it better for us just to hold on to this?
Thanks for being my sounding board. I am so thankful for this place!
We had my husbands best friend and his wife come and stay with us. I wasn't thrilled about it as it always is a night of drinking, and this was no exception, but I thought if I could talk to anyone about this, it would be my husband's best friends wife. Her husband is similar. She is a nurse, is intelligent and not prone to overreaction or underreaction and to be frank, I like her, she likes my husband, and would be a voice of reason.
So my husband and his best friend went to his place of business and she and I stayed at my house with the kids and I told her that I thought he was an alcoholic.
She listened, we talked, she agreed. She said her husband is a functional alcoholic also. We discussed another one of their friends who is a five year AA sober former alcoholic. Then she let me know that another one of their best friends had also recently become sober as his wife threatened to leave him and that he kept a bottle of vodka in his desk.
When husband came home he was drunk, and she told me that yes, he is different now. She said she'd never seen him stumbling or slurring his speech before. She actually talked to him and told him that she was worried about HER husband being an alcoholic and drinking 4-5 beers a day. He admitted to drinking 10+ beers a day. He admitted to not eating. Our teenage daughters were listening. They chimed in with their own reasoning of why THEY thought he was an alcoholic. His best friends wife shared with him that she found out their other good friend is now sober.
He sobered up pretty quickly and we enjoyed the rest of our evening. Despite him having to have drank at least 15 beers. She challenged him to go a few days without drinking to see if he went through withdrawal. He said he does that all the time and never has withdrawal.
He didn't drink on Sunday. I thought maybe something sunk in.
Monday. He got completely wasted. He came home so angry. He was yelling at me and my 15 year old that why does everyone in town know what's going on in town but him. He was accusing our daughter of something that we couldn't quite figure out what. Then it was about me. Later I found out somebody had said that they had seen our daughter walking our dog, but called our dog by name. He implied that meant that somebody was having some sort of relationship with this man. Most likely me. I laughed at him. He's ridiculous. This guy is like 22 and although we work together in the same building, I have really only spoken to him briefly in passing. "Hey, how are you?" "great, you?" kind of a thing. Its a small town, everybody knows everybody. After investigation, it turned out he knows our dog's name because he follows our 17 year old on social media and actually has a sibling of our dog, and they've talked about them. He was yelling, swearing, slurring, falling over drunk. Because somebody knew our dogs name? I JUST CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
I walk around our house, and I'm so very sad, because we have finally gotten to the place where we have everything I've ever wanted. We have everything. We remodeled and I designed everything, from the kitchen to a bathroom addition to the living room. I bought all the furniture and decorations. Our children have a playset in the yard and best friends in the neighborhood. My husband has really tried his best to GIVE me everything I want. And so I walk around and look at our home and I see all the love that he has shown me and our family.
Our life would really be storybook perfect, except he's a drunk. I love him in the morning and hate him at night. He's like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Tonight he was drunk when he came home. He was yelling at the TV during the democratic national convention. Stuff he was yelling didn't make sense and I was silent, but so annoyed. Shut up. Be a reasonable person. Don't be a drunk. I'm always so irritated with him. Tomorrow morning we will talk, and I'll wonder how I could have ever felt this way, and then tomorrow night I'll hate him again. It's so tiring.
After hearing my teenagers chime in on the alcoholic discussion I knew we had to talk. So I took them out to supper on Tuesday night. I told them the reality of their dad's drinking, and that if it didn't change that we would have to leave. I told him that we were lucky in a way because he didn't hurt us or abuse us, but that we can't live with a man who gets drunk every night forever. I explained how bad it is for the younger kids even if they thought they could handle it. My 17 year old completely understood. She has been talking ot her cousin about her dad being an alcoholic. My 15 year old didn't get it until I finally said, "And it's not just for you guys sake. It's for mine. I can't stand tip-toeing around your dad every single night for the rest of my life. I can't live like this forever." And then she was understanding.
My 17 year old shared with me that if we left our town she would not come along. She would live with one of her grandparents and finish her senior year here. I told her that was perfectly understandable. I expected nothing less. My 15 year old said she would come. I told her she might have to share a room with her 10 year old sister in the apartment and she was like, "We won't have a house?!?" Then my 17 year old chimed in that I wouldn't be able to afford a house right away. Then she was sullen.
I told them that nothing is yet set in stone, and that this is NOT how I want it to be, but that they need to prepare themselves for the reality that if nothing changes, that thing might have to change. I also said that no matter what happens, we will get through it.
Nobody cried. Nobody complained. Nobody called me a good for nothing mother because I considered leaving their father. It was as successful as I could hope for it to be. And it opened up the lines of communication.
I still don't WANT to, but it's so wrong to keep the kids here, isn't it? Or is it better for us just to hold on to this?
Thanks for being my sounding board. I am so thankful for this place!
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