Venting
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, have you ever heard the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?
Doesn't experience show you that nothing you do can make her happy? Even if she was happy when you first met, that doesn't suggest you have somehow changed in a way that is making her unhappy. Unhappy people cannot be pleased over the long term. They might momentarily FEEL happy, when something gives them momentary pleasure, but they are trying to fill a "hole in the soul" with something that can't do that--another person, another substance.
Nothing you DO can make her happy. Once you accept this reality, you will be on your road back to sanity. I think being around her every day is sucking the life out of you.
Doesn't experience show you that nothing you do can make her happy? Even if she was happy when you first met, that doesn't suggest you have somehow changed in a way that is making her unhappy. Unhappy people cannot be pleased over the long term. They might momentarily FEEL happy, when something gives them momentary pleasure, but they are trying to fill a "hole in the soul" with something that can't do that--another person, another substance.
Nothing you DO can make her happy. Once you accept this reality, you will be on your road back to sanity. I think being around her every day is sucking the life out of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
I think I need to start reading my book "The wisdom of ground hog day" again. I got so far and stopped - I think I should go back to it.
I endeavour to not repeat things over and over and instead change the way I respond or behave or even absorb what is being said in the hope that the outcome will change.
But I do seem to be repeating things over and over. And of course the outcome will always be the same, especially if I cannot give her what she wants and she no longer wishes to live in a relationship with the feeling she is unwanted. I've tried to make it not so, because she is wanted. Perhaps I am doing more harm than good to both of us by insisting we keep fighting for the relationship.
Every tiny little thing now results in make or break discussions - that can't be right. I don't think she wants to be with me anymore.
I endeavour to not repeat things over and over and instead change the way I respond or behave or even absorb what is being said in the hope that the outcome will change.
But I do seem to be repeating things over and over. And of course the outcome will always be the same, especially if I cannot give her what she wants and she no longer wishes to live in a relationship with the feeling she is unwanted. I've tried to make it not so, because she is wanted. Perhaps I am doing more harm than good to both of us by insisting we keep fighting for the relationship.
Every tiny little thing now results in make or break discussions - that can't be right. I don't think she wants to be with me anymore.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Poppet35 
I don't think she wants to be with me anymore.
As painful as the idea may be, it can be very freeing and empowering to accept that something is over.
The challenge afterward is considering what you think a healthy relationship is, and whether you've ever had that kind of relationship or really had it modeled for you by anyone. We tend to mix up "familiar" with "normal", even what the familiar is dysfunctional and unhealthy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Poppet,
Have you ever put a pro and cons list together of your relationship. I did this and my cons list was way longer then my pro's list. When I realized that I didn't really even like axh, I "loved" him but didn't like him, my life really changed. I lived like this for so many many years on this roller coaster. Its a shame that you love your partner gone, more then when she is home.
I think that you are slowly recognizing that none of us can make someone else happy, as hard as you try, it just doesn't work. I took blame for all of axh misery. I love it now because he is unemployed, has no relationship with dd22 and his life is miserable, but I am no longer to blame. (but down deep I am sure he is still cussing me out, after 1 1/2 years post divorce) haha
Sending hugs my friend, put a smile on your face and enjoy
Have you ever put a pro and cons list together of your relationship. I did this and my cons list was way longer then my pro's list. When I realized that I didn't really even like axh, I "loved" him but didn't like him, my life really changed. I lived like this for so many many years on this roller coaster. Its a shame that you love your partner gone, more then when she is home.
I think that you are slowly recognizing that none of us can make someone else happy, as hard as you try, it just doesn't work. I took blame for all of axh misery. I love it now because he is unemployed, has no relationship with dd22 and his life is miserable, but I am no longer to blame. (but down deep I am sure he is still cussing me out, after 1 1/2 years post divorce) haha
Sending hugs my friend, put a smile on your face and enjoy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You "want" her, but admittedly not the way she is right now. You WANT her to be the way you'd like her to be. Just as SHE would like YOU to be the way she wants you to be.
Never the twain shall meet. She wants someone who will accommodate her every whim and never complain or act unhappy about anything--no matter how badly she behaves or how bad things get. YOU want someone who will be a real partner to you, to share your life while pursuing her own potential.
Do you think there is ANY possibility of happiness for either one of you in this scenario? Sometimes people are simply in such different places that they cannot possibly be happy together. We can all agree she "shouldn't" be that way, but the fact is that she IS that way, and it isn't your place to change her, any more than it's her place to change you. What she wants is incompatible with your having a happy or fulfilled life.
I think its time to start working on letting go.
Never the twain shall meet. She wants someone who will accommodate her every whim and never complain or act unhappy about anything--no matter how badly she behaves or how bad things get. YOU want someone who will be a real partner to you, to share your life while pursuing her own potential.
Do you think there is ANY possibility of happiness for either one of you in this scenario? Sometimes people are simply in such different places that they cannot possibly be happy together. We can all agree she "shouldn't" be that way, but the fact is that she IS that way, and it isn't your place to change her, any more than it's her place to change you. What she wants is incompatible with your having a happy or fulfilled life.
I think its time to start working on letting go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Naple, FL
Posts: 14
Poppet35, you cannot allow anyone to control your feelings. We control our own feelings and if she wants to be in a mood it is by her choice not yours. You are as happy as you allow yourself to be.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Iowa
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by Poppet35
She's very confusing.
She doesn't take care of herself.
She says "I'm hungry" (she's never up for brekkie with me and kids) I say "Would you like...." "No I'm alright" .
What? Then she goes on and on about being hungry, but she won't accept my offers of food or make something for herself.
Just now - she told me she feels sick - probably lack of food. I suggested we have lunch earlier - but No, she's fine, whatever suits me. She almost forces me getting my own way on me!
I don't get it. When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm tired, I have an early night.
Why does she not do this - it's almost as if she wants to feel crappy and be crappy but won't life a finger to help herself even to eat!
She doesn't take care of herself.
She says "I'm hungry" (she's never up for brekkie with me and kids) I say "Would you like...." "No I'm alright" .
What? Then she goes on and on about being hungry, but she won't accept my offers of food or make something for herself.
Just now - she told me she feels sick - probably lack of food. I suggested we have lunch earlier - but No, she's fine, whatever suits me. She almost forces me getting my own way on me!
I don't get it. When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm tired, I have an early night.
Why does she not do this - it's almost as if she wants to feel crappy and be crappy but won't life a finger to help herself even to eat!
But my husband sometimes doesn't eat for days. Why? I don't understand? He isn't usually home during meal times and I make sure myself and my kids are fed, and there is always food in the house, but he won't eat if I don't make a big deal out of it or prepare it for him. Then later I might say I'm hungry and he'll say something like, "I haven't eaten in two days."
What? Eat!!
And I'll say, "Eat something, do you want me to make you something?"
"No, I'm fine."
GRRRRRRRRRR! It's like he wants me to feel sorry for him, and I do, but how sorry am I supposed to feel when he chooses not to eat? I can't make him eat. He's so exhausting!
I'm sorry you're going through the same thing, but I love this site because it's so nice to see that other people have the same thing, and I'm not as alone in the world as I thought.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by mandybegins
This is something I also don't understand! I'm new to talking about these problems, also. I finally accepted that my husband is an alcoholic.
But my husband sometimes doesn't eat for days. Why? I don't understand? He isn't usually home during meal times and I make sure myself and my kids are fed, and there is always food in the house, but he won't eat if I don't make a big deal out of it or prepare it for him. Then later I might say I'm hungry and he'll say something like, "I haven't eaten in two days."
What? Eat!!
And I'll say, "Eat something, do you want me to make you something?"
"No, I'm fine."
GRRRRRRRRRR! It's like he wants me to feel sorry for him, and I do, but how sorry am I supposed to feel when he chooses not to eat? I can't make him eat. He's so exhausting!
I'm sorry you're going through the same thing, but I love this site because it's so nice to see that other people have the same thing, and I'm not as alone in the world as I thought.
But my husband sometimes doesn't eat for days. Why? I don't understand? He isn't usually home during meal times and I make sure myself and my kids are fed, and there is always food in the house, but he won't eat if I don't make a big deal out of it or prepare it for him. Then later I might say I'm hungry and he'll say something like, "I haven't eaten in two days."
What? Eat!!
And I'll say, "Eat something, do you want me to make you something?"
"No, I'm fine."
GRRRRRRRRRR! It's like he wants me to feel sorry for him, and I do, but how sorry am I supposed to feel when he chooses not to eat? I can't make him eat. He's so exhausting!
I'm sorry you're going through the same thing, but I love this site because it's so nice to see that other people have the same thing, and I'm not as alone in the world as I thought.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Ahh yes, those late-night snacks!! AW does that ALL the time, and then complains about gaining weight! Wellllll, cut back on the calorie-laden booze, stop snacking past dinner, and get a good night's sleep (which does not mean passing out on the couch for 5 hours!).
Oops, there I go, getting all logical again.
Wells, I think my wife and your AXGF seem to be related.
Oops, there I go, getting all logical again.
Wells, I think my wife and your AXGF seem to be related.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I actually considered booze to be part of my weight-loss maintenance plan. Lots of empty calories, and drinking also suppresses your appetite. I gained about 20 pounds within a matter of months of getting sober (it was well worth it).
It's very common for alcoholics to suffer from malnutrition. Easy to see why.
It's very common for alcoholics to suffer from malnutrition. Easy to see why.
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