Venting
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You seem to have a laundry list of all the bad ways in which she treats you.
What benefit are you getting by remaining in this one sides ill- fated relationship?
The dancing pleasing bear act gets old quickly and besides she probably really doesn’t even care how you act or what you say, she has become accustomed to ruling the un-healthy roost!!!
What benefit are you getting by remaining in this one sides ill- fated relationship?
It may not appear so but I have been changing the way I behave and react and respond but then I get tripped up and make a mess of things again.
The dancing pleasing bear act gets old quickly and besides she probably really doesn’t even care how you act or what you say, she has become accustomed to ruling the un-healthy roost!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
P,
We all know how much you love your partner. You have and continue to do everything to please her. So over the last couple months of you posting you are realizing that you can't really please her, as she is unpleaseable. (if that is a word). I know slowly you are comprehending this and getting your "voice" back.
Everyone here is trying to help you. We never want to see another F&F member getting abused. Your partner is abusing you, verbally. You are in a committed relationship with kids and she has her fb page status as single. That is not right and you know that.
You sound like an amazing person. Loving, caring, kind, great mom, helpful and everything else, could go after your name. We all see that you deserve much more then the few pieces of scraps that she is throwing at you.
Please keep reading and listening to everything everyone says. We all care and want the best for you!!!
We all know how much you love your partner. You have and continue to do everything to please her. So over the last couple months of you posting you are realizing that you can't really please her, as she is unpleaseable. (if that is a word). I know slowly you are comprehending this and getting your "voice" back.
Everyone here is trying to help you. We never want to see another F&F member getting abused. Your partner is abusing you, verbally. You are in a committed relationship with kids and she has her fb page status as single. That is not right and you know that.
You sound like an amazing person. Loving, caring, kind, great mom, helpful and everything else, could go after your name. We all see that you deserve much more then the few pieces of scraps that she is throwing at you.
Please keep reading and listening to everything everyone says. We all care and want the best for you!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
P,
Good for you on doing your own thing. I found that it was one of the ways to keep my sanity when I was in a relationship with an active drinker. After a while, I realized that time to myself
This obviously doesn't necessarily fix anything for the relationship, keep in mind, but it DOES help you personally quite a bit. You mentioned that time gardening was grand. I cherished moments like that when I could be at peace because I knew that I wasn't getting drawn into any alcohol-fueled drama.
Understandably, there are times when the drinking happens and there is no real recourse. They drink, get sleepy, go to bed, don't engage, whatever. What I found was that it was the uncertainty that was making my life difficult. Not so much worried about in the moment, but worried about what was to come next.
If you are trying to live with it, the best way to help yourself is to distance yourself from it as much as possible. I found that also helped the situation get to the point it needed to be. When she realized I wasn't going to be a part of her alcohol consumption anymore, she took it elsewhere, and it escalated from there. So I knew that the choice was made. I didn't want to be her drinking buddy OR her punching bag OR her protector any more. I just wanted to have a normal life.
You are wise to be here and from reading your posts I can see you have been going through this for a while. So have I. I can relate, believe me, for trying to hold on in the hopes that things will work out. If you decide to continue, just do what you have been doing and care for yourself. Things will work out as they are meant to be. It took me a long time, and a lot of stalls and restarts, before I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could say, threaten, or do that would change the outcome of the drinking. Never worked, not once.
Keep posting, I'll be reading.
Good for you on doing your own thing. I found that it was one of the ways to keep my sanity when I was in a relationship with an active drinker. After a while, I realized that time to myself
This obviously doesn't necessarily fix anything for the relationship, keep in mind, but it DOES help you personally quite a bit. You mentioned that time gardening was grand. I cherished moments like that when I could be at peace because I knew that I wasn't getting drawn into any alcohol-fueled drama.
Understandably, there are times when the drinking happens and there is no real recourse. They drink, get sleepy, go to bed, don't engage, whatever. What I found was that it was the uncertainty that was making my life difficult. Not so much worried about in the moment, but worried about what was to come next.
If you are trying to live with it, the best way to help yourself is to distance yourself from it as much as possible. I found that also helped the situation get to the point it needed to be. When she realized I wasn't going to be a part of her alcohol consumption anymore, she took it elsewhere, and it escalated from there. So I knew that the choice was made. I didn't want to be her drinking buddy OR her punching bag OR her protector any more. I just wanted to have a normal life.
You are wise to be here and from reading your posts I can see you have been going through this for a while. So have I. I can relate, believe me, for trying to hold on in the hopes that things will work out. If you decide to continue, just do what you have been doing and care for yourself. Things will work out as they are meant to be. It took me a long time, and a lot of stalls and restarts, before I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could say, threaten, or do that would change the outcome of the drinking. Never worked, not once.
Keep posting, I'll be reading.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
By a show of hands, how many of the folks here have had the active alcoholic in your life tell you, or anyone else, it is your/their fault!
*raises hand--followed by many, many other raised hands*
Your wife's current state is not your fault. It's not because the weather is bad, or someone was mean to her at work, or the kids aren't behaving, or you aren't romantic enough, or someone burnt the toast. She drinks because she is an alcoholic...it is a 'disease of thinking'. She does not see the world as you do, and you do not see the world as she does...but she will drag you into her world so that addiction can survive.
And I am just so sorry you are living through this. I hope you will come to realize you do not deserve to be treated this way. There are things you can do to bring peace into your own life--whether she is drinking or not.
*raises hand--followed by many, many other raised hands*
Your wife's current state is not your fault. It's not because the weather is bad, or someone was mean to her at work, or the kids aren't behaving, or you aren't romantic enough, or someone burnt the toast. She drinks because she is an alcoholic...it is a 'disease of thinking'. She does not see the world as you do, and you do not see the world as she does...but she will drag you into her world so that addiction can survive.
And I am just so sorry you are living through this. I hope you will come to realize you do not deserve to be treated this way. There are things you can do to bring peace into your own life--whether she is drinking or not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Thank you for all your words of support. I must appear mad to still be in this position, for still allowing myself to be in this position. I don't think i can quite get my head around that she sees the world different to me.
I tried to stand up for myself yesterday and explain how her behaviour had been rude and patronising but....nothing - she didn't want to know.
She went on to tell me that she always finds herself waiting for me to fix something about myself. She's waiting! I was dumbstruck so pointed out that we were both waiting for the other to fix things.
She's tired all the time but she won't fix it, I know and I've told her that I can only help her so much with this. The boys and I try and be quiet in the morning, which is ok when she's come home very late from the shows she works on but it's not ok every single day, it's hard work. Not long ago she let it slip that she wished I would just take care of her. I have enough of a job taking care of myself and the kids without taking care of a grown adult who is perfectly capable of caring for themselves but won't.
This morning I went for a wonderful walk in a wood with a friend and my dog (who, beastly animal got filthy). It was so peaceful and relaxing and lovely. I've just sent an email agreeing to head the fund raising for my kids scout group - something I've never done before but I'm really keen to do. Although when I crossed paths with my AGF this morning it was unpleasant I am in a good place for me.
I tried to stand up for myself yesterday and explain how her behaviour had been rude and patronising but....nothing - she didn't want to know.
She went on to tell me that she always finds herself waiting for me to fix something about myself. She's waiting! I was dumbstruck so pointed out that we were both waiting for the other to fix things.
She's tired all the time but she won't fix it, I know and I've told her that I can only help her so much with this. The boys and I try and be quiet in the morning, which is ok when she's come home very late from the shows she works on but it's not ok every single day, it's hard work. Not long ago she let it slip that she wished I would just take care of her. I have enough of a job taking care of myself and the kids without taking care of a grown adult who is perfectly capable of caring for themselves but won't.
This morning I went for a wonderful walk in a wood with a friend and my dog (who, beastly animal got filthy). It was so peaceful and relaxing and lovely. I've just sent an email agreeing to head the fund raising for my kids scout group - something I've never done before but I'm really keen to do. Although when I crossed paths with my AGF this morning it was unpleasant I am in a good place for me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
They NEVER want to hear about how their behaviour affects you - they just don't care.
This is telling: "I have enough of a job taking care of myself and the kids without taking care of a grown adult who is perfectly capable of caring for themselves but won't."
But as long as we continue to be their maid and servant, why WOULD they take care of things?
I feel for you.
COD
This is telling: "I have enough of a job taking care of myself and the kids without taking care of a grown adult who is perfectly capable of caring for themselves but won't."
But as long as we continue to be their maid and servant, why WOULD they take care of things?
I feel for you.
COD
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Maybe it's time you both started accepting each other for exactly who you are at this moment, and act accordingly. As you've felt, no one wants to be told what they need to change about themselves to be acceptable to another person who is supposed to love you.
I had an awful lot of work to do on ME before I was able to be a loving, respectful partner to anyone -- but before I could do that, I had to get past the ideas that a) I know what is best for another adult, and b) that someone else had to change before I could be happy. The only person who had to change in order for me to be happy was me.
I had an awful lot of work to do on ME before I was able to be a loving, respectful partner to anyone -- but before I could do that, I had to get past the ideas that a) I know what is best for another adult, and b) that someone else had to change before I could be happy. The only person who had to change in order for me to be happy was me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
I tried so hard to not let this tiny little affront blow up into something big and it has anyway. And it always ends up my fault. Everything gets dredged up again.
She wants me to love and desire her but she cant see she's pushing me away. Belittles my attempts at trying to mend the broken parts of our relationship that I can alter.
She asks me to accept things about her (which I have done) but when it comes to me saying - this is how I am - there is no acceptance. I've been trying to change something fundamental about myself so that she will finally feel like I mean it when I say I love her and It's slow going, and she makes it less likely every time she blows up.
She's gone away to work and I'm free for a few days, to pick myself up and dust myself down. I'll be able to read my book without being accused of ignoring her. I love reading. I'd love to sew but every time she goes away for a few days I'm too busy repairing myself to have the capacity to do my sewing or maybe play on my computer games.
Someone asked what do I get out of this - recently not a lot, but on good days we have a good time together.
She wants me to love and desire her but she cant see she's pushing me away. Belittles my attempts at trying to mend the broken parts of our relationship that I can alter.
She asks me to accept things about her (which I have done) but when it comes to me saying - this is how I am - there is no acceptance. I've been trying to change something fundamental about myself so that she will finally feel like I mean it when I say I love her and It's slow going, and she makes it less likely every time she blows up.
She's gone away to work and I'm free for a few days, to pick myself up and dust myself down. I'll be able to read my book without being accused of ignoring her. I love reading. I'd love to sew but every time she goes away for a few days I'm too busy repairing myself to have the capacity to do my sewing or maybe play on my computer games.
Someone asked what do I get out of this - recently not a lot, but on good days we have a good time together.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
But her unhappiness is not your fault or your responsibility. Your happiness is your responsibility.
You're both miserable in this relationship, regardless of who does what or says what or whatever.
Is this how you want to live?
ETA: I left my ex husband when I realized I was infinitely happier when he was out of town than when we were in the same house. It was terrifying, but in the end, liberating.
Sending you a hug.
You're both miserable in this relationship, regardless of who does what or says what or whatever.
Is this how you want to live?
ETA: I left my ex husband when I realized I was infinitely happier when he was out of town than when we were in the same house. It was terrifying, but in the end, liberating.
Sending you a hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Maybe it's time you both started accepting each other for exactly who you are at this moment, and act accordingly. As you've felt, no one wants to be told what they need to change about themselves to be acceptable to another person who is supposed to love you.
I had an awful lot of work to do on ME before I was able to be a loving, respectful partner to anyone -- but before I could do that, I had to get past the ideas that a) I know what is best for another adult, and b) that someone else had to change before I could be happy. The only person who had to change in order for me to be happy was me.
I had an awful lot of work to do on ME before I was able to be a loving, respectful partner to anyone -- but before I could do that, I had to get past the ideas that a) I know what is best for another adult, and b) that someone else had to change before I could be happy. The only person who had to change in order for me to be happy was me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
But her unhappiness is not your fault or your responsibility. Your happiness is your responsibility.
You're both miserable in this relationship, regardless of who does what or says what or whatever.
Is this how you want to live?
ETA: I left my ex husband when I realized I was infinitely happier when he was out of town than when we were in the same house. It was terrifying, but in the end, liberating.
Sending you a hug.
You're both miserable in this relationship, regardless of who does what or says what or whatever.
Is this how you want to live?
ETA: I left my ex husband when I realized I was infinitely happier when he was out of town than when we were in the same house. It was terrifying, but in the end, liberating.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Poppet35
I've been trying to change something fundamental about myself so that she will finally feel like I mean it when I say I love her and It's slow going, and she makes it less likely every time she blows up.
People do not fill the empty places in other people. You can't do it for her, and she can't do it for you.
There is always someone out there not only willing but happy to accept us as we are -- but in order to find them, we have to be willing and happy to accept ourSELVES as we are first -- regardless of whether or not we feel validation from others. Your partner will not be able to accept that you love her until she learns to love herself. She will never believe herself good enough for you until she is good enough for herself.
The same goes for you too, my friend.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Poppet35
I agree with you. But as far as my AGF is concerned it's me who has to change so that she can be happy. And it's exhausting trying to change to make someone feel happy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
P,
Great news that you have a few days of "freedom" to regroup. You really need that time. It takes a very long time to make changes in your life. Alanon recommends that you do't make any huge decisions for at least 6 months after joining. They understand that our heads are spinning when we walk in those doors, and your head is still spinning. There is no reason to force a solution that you might regret 3 months from now.
Take your time and work the program. Not sure if you have the book Codependent no more, which is a fantastic book for us enablers. You can get it from the library. Just take the time and educate yourself about addiction. It only took me 34 years of my life to leave my addict. I just wasn't ready. I am glad that I felt all the pain so that I knew I was making the right decision. I still love my axh, but can no longer live with him, and that's ok with me. I have a sign at my desk "God didn't need me after all, as he can handle each and every addict on the planet who cries out for his help". Sending hugs my friend and enjoy your few days of peace.
Great news that you have a few days of "freedom" to regroup. You really need that time. It takes a very long time to make changes in your life. Alanon recommends that you do't make any huge decisions for at least 6 months after joining. They understand that our heads are spinning when we walk in those doors, and your head is still spinning. There is no reason to force a solution that you might regret 3 months from now.
Take your time and work the program. Not sure if you have the book Codependent no more, which is a fantastic book for us enablers. You can get it from the library. Just take the time and educate yourself about addiction. It only took me 34 years of my life to leave my addict. I just wasn't ready. I am glad that I felt all the pain so that I knew I was making the right decision. I still love my axh, but can no longer live with him, and that's ok with me. I have a sign at my desk "God didn't need me after all, as he can handle each and every addict on the planet who cries out for his help". Sending hugs my friend and enjoy your few days of peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Cor it's hot in the UK today (I reckon some of you have it waaay hotter) it's 30 degrees inside and 40degrees celcius outside. Wooo. Yuck. I have the mother of all headaches today too and feel like poo.
Thank you for all your messages, you guys are great.
From a message she just sent it sounds like she plans to go awol next week. Oh well, think I'll invite my sister over with her kids and we'll all have a good time.
It's her birthday soon and as usual the relation ship is in turmoil so I don't know what to do. I've already bought her a gift and planned to buy her something else but I don't know what the next few weeks holds. I sound horrible don't I but I don't have loads of money to throw around if she's going to abandon ship.
As a British person I'm going to say it "It's too flipping hot!"
Thank you for all your messages, you guys are great.
From a message she just sent it sounds like she plans to go awol next week. Oh well, think I'll invite my sister over with her kids and we'll all have a good time.
It's her birthday soon and as usual the relation ship is in turmoil so I don't know what to do. I've already bought her a gift and planned to buy her something else but I don't know what the next few weeks holds. I sound horrible don't I but I don't have loads of money to throw around if she's going to abandon ship.
As a British person I'm going to say it "It's too flipping hot!"
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You don't sound horrible to us. But if you sound horrible to yourself -- for debating whether or not to buy a birthday gift for someone who is forever manipulating you and blaming you for every problem in the relationship, and who will not even be around to receive it -- then something isn't right.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Thank you Sparkle Kitty. I have been in this position over present giving over and over as things always turn sour on the run up to Christmas or near her birthday. It just adds to the confusion. I think you hit the nail on the head about her not liking herself. I spent a lovely evening out with her parents on the weekend - we went for a meal and saw a musical which I enjoyed tremendously and they are lovely people. When I got home at the same time as she got back from work I told her they had said they were treating me and she said "what, for putting up with their daughter" Quite telling really.
And you're also right - it would appear I have little self respect and self worth to allow my self to be treated like this.
Today is a new day and the morning was good, the day started well and I feel calm and peaceful today.
Thank you so much for all your support with my ranting and moaning.
And you're also right - it would appear I have little self respect and self worth to allow my self to be treated like this.
Today is a new day and the morning was good, the day started well and I feel calm and peaceful today.
Thank you so much for all your support with my ranting and moaning.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
My experience with a similar situation was that I had to work on myself and building up my own self love and self respect. Once I had done that, my tolerance to other people's behaviour to me took care of itself in many ways.
It is all about us. Not them. If we correct ourselves, other people tend to fade away as we automatically stop feeding their demands. This was how it was for me.
It is all about us. Not them. If we correct ourselves, other people tend to fade away as we automatically stop feeding their demands. This was how it was for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I agree with you. But as far as my AGF is concerned it's me who has to change so that she can be happy. And it's exhausting trying to change to make someone feel happy.
Its unfortunate you have fallen for this false promise of "happiness" contingent on you either by direction, or figuring out yourself something to do, change, add into, or take away that will make her happy. Its a very manipulative ploy used by many, not just alcoholics, though alcoholics and addicts seem more likely to adhere to the thinking that someone else is responsible for their misery other than their addiction, and themselves.
You can spend a lifetime chasing this rabbit, many have. Its exhausting and destroys the self esteem. How can anyone feel good about themselves when their "job" is to make sure their partner is happy, and it doesn't produce results? How can one feel good about themselves When they are blamed for failing, and also have a partner whose wants and desires are the only ones that count?. YOU have NO voice in your relationship. Your wants, desires and problems aren't acknowledged or discussed.
The relationship is very unbalanced.
Its unfortunate you have fallen for this false promise of "happiness" contingent on you either by direction, or figuring out yourself something to do, change, add into, or take away that will make her happy. Its a very manipulative ploy used by many, not just alcoholics, though alcoholics and addicts seem more likely to adhere to the thinking that someone else is responsible for their misery other than their addiction, and themselves.
You can spend a lifetime chasing this rabbit, many have. Its exhausting and destroys the self esteem. How can anyone feel good about themselves when their "job" is to make sure their partner is happy, and it doesn't produce results? How can one feel good about themselves When they are blamed for failing, and also have a partner whose wants and desires are the only ones that count?. YOU have NO voice in your relationship. Your wants, desires and problems aren't acknowledged or discussed.
The relationship is very unbalanced.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Redatlanta - you've hit the nail on the head. She says she doesn't want me to change but her saying that doesn't reflect what is happening. It is exhausting trying to make sure I keep doing the things that should maker her happy. And even when I do the things she wants she's still not happy or she's suspicious of my motives. I feel i'm in a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation. I wish she'd accept me as I am like I accept her. I strive daily to make her happy and she's still not happy with me.
I should be the sad one - she told me she doesn't love me, she loves the old me, not the current me. So I strive to help her fall in love with me again.
I should be the sad one - she told me she doesn't love me, she loves the old me, not the current me. So I strive to help her fall in love with me again.
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