JessicaNAJ

After 14 years of mental abuse and some physical, the smell of alcohol causes "Flashbacks". I don't see the vision of what has happened, but I feel those feelings coming back. The smell of alcohol absolutely repulses me. That drunken gleam in his eye, repulses me.

Now, as my AH is trying to sober up (right), some of his actions and reactions remind me of how he would act when he's drunk. There is a lot of animosity on my part and it is clearly directed at him.

He's done a number on my mind. Made me believe he was the only one I could trust, and I did. Until one day, I woke up. My dream was over and my life was on a down hill slide.

It's been 9 months since I told him I wasn't happy and I was tired of lying to myself that I was. It has been 4 months since he's moved out. I still feel sympathy for him. He still manages to pull me back in. I try really hard to put a wall around my heart, but for 14 years I believed we'd be together, forever and I was willing to go through any lengths to do that. The problem was, it was one sided. He didn't go through those lengths. I held him up more than he did me.

How messed up am I? I guess I use the "blame game" on that one. It's his fault my mind is this messed up.

Will I ever get passed these "flashbacks"?

ASpouse

Do you go to counselling or Al Anon? I think you are being too hard on yourself and still concentrating/thinking about him way way too much.

I would go to a counsellor and to Al Anon to help you sort our these feelings. It sounds like it's a delayed reaction to bad things that happened to you. Sort of like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I really have no clue, but this is what it sounds like.

JessicaNAJ

ASpouse - Yes, I am going to Couneling and Al-Anon (they do help alot too).

I think my biggest problem is, is that I feel I have taken care of him physically and emotionally for most of our years together. I had to stay strong to keep everything together. He is like my third child and I feel I need to protect him from being hurt. How messed up is that??? He's a grown man! and I'm not his mother. Why can't I get over this????

ASpouse

You WILL get over this and move on. This is painful and CHANGE, change in ourselves is very very difficult. We all as humans fight against change ...... sometimes it's easier to just go with it and let it happen. Usually a bright spot shows itself and then seize the opportunity.

Don't be so hard on yourself ..... one day at a time, sometimes one minute if that's all you can handle.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you for being there - I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Lorelai

I stopped blaming my AH for everything that happened when I really understood this:
That's what alcoholics do. He was acting like a perfectly normal alcoholic. Protecting my husband from being hurt just allowed him to keep on being an alcoholic.

It was my fault for tolerating the intolerable for 15 years. I've forgiven myself for what I put myself through. I didn't know any better.

I realized that my life was just as important as his life. He is making his own choices. He has a way out but he chooses not to take it.
Hugs - L

ASpouse

I have an uncle who is an alcoholic and living a life of sobriety for over 38 years. He was a source of great comfort to me when I was feeling like you. I will say that he never told me anything I wanted to hear, but what I did hear was always the truth and that is what I knew ..... and trust me, the truth was very very hard to hear and to handle.

Peaches04

Hi JessicaNAJ...yes! something is wrong with you...the same thing that is wrong with ME!! We are codependents We have bleeding hearts that want to save the world and fix all the hurts...but, we have to realize - we can't do it!! and let it go...let it go, let it go. Are you and your AH still considering reconciliation or is he just 'hanging on' to conciously or subconciously take you down with him? If you are not hoping for reconciliation - I would recommend cutting off communication (if you don't have children). At least for a while...I know that's tough sweetie, but it sounds like to me maybe YOUR recovery is suffering and yes, he is sucking you back in. Do you really want to go there again? Aren't you worth more? It's NOT your fault he did what he did or he is who he is...I'm sure you are a beautiful person...love that beautiful person now...you did your time. Let go... Peace to you!

ASpouse

Lorelai, so well said. That's what Alcoholics do! ...... I think understanding that statement, really understanding it is yet another key to recovery for us codies.

JessicaNAJ

I think he is just "hanging on" - he tell's me I'm stringing him along and I probably am. We have two children together, my parents were divorced. I made myself a promise that I would not put my kids through what I went through with my parents. I believed a marriage is forever.

As far as reconciling - I am taking that one day at a time.

I'm all he's had his entire life. He didn't really have a loving family growing up. His mom died when he was 8, he grandma raised him a few years, then his sister, and then his A father came back into his life. I'm (I was) the most stable thing in his life. (Is this earned guilt??) I wanted to give him the family he never had. I don't think I failed at that, I did everything I could.

oh boy....

Lorelai

Sweetie -
My H used to tell me all the time that I was "his savior". Wow - I really loved to hear that. He had a horrible childhood. He was like a lost, lonely boy. I wanted to be the one to save him and take care of him so that he would love me and never leave me.

I am no one's savior. I can't save him. You can't save your husband. The more I treated him like a man who couldn't take care of himself, the more he believed it himself.

He can take care of himself and address his issues and change his life. If we keep trying to do it for them, they may never have the opportunity to see that.
L