Just came in from the beach
 

Had a great time! Read, went in the water, got a little burned, all in all a good day!

On the ride home I start to get emotional. Maybe I'm more tired from the sun but it made me feel very sad that I couldn't have a good day at the beach with the ex. We would start drinking way too much, way too early and by the end of the day I was drunk, frustrated and tired of seeing him so glossy eyed. It broke my heart.

Pretty much everything I do now feels entirely different in a good way but it still manages to make me feel sad. It's like I'm having little mourning sessions for the relationship I wanted but didn't have. I would have never felt this content coming home from the beach with him and this relaxation makes the tears flow. I'd probably end it yelling at him asking him why he needs to drink so much and asking him if he even likes me and what are we doing... he would sit there sad and mad and not say anything and I just didn't know how to fix us. I wanted so badly to fix us.

I've accepted that I'm going to be mourning for a long time. We did a lot together over the years and my mind is going to want to compare "then and now". I wanted to do what we did then but feel how I feel now.

Being around him made me so upset and on edge. He triggered my wounds constantly. Simple things like going to the grocery store or packing for a trip just felt so much more difficult then than it does now. I find this hard to rationalize.

Expanding.....yes, this is how it goes during the mourning process.....the emotion can seem to just rise up and envelope us...just out of the blue....

don't spend too much time trying to "rationalize" it....it is more emotional than intellectual....

As time goes on...as you establish new patterns and have new experiences...you will establish a new normal...
You will also notice that you will have memories, of course, but without the gut-wrenching emotion.....more like history than present
dandylion

Expanding, I would like to echo dandy. I find that the grieving process comes in waves for me. It can be triggered by places, activities, songs--anything that is connected with XAH, and after 20+ years, there are a LOT of connections! And a lot of times, yes, things do feel worse when I'm tired, when it's dark, when I'm feeling like I have a lot to handle and wish I had some other shoulders to help carry the load.

Here are some things that have helped me:

When feeling particularly sad/lonesome, I try one of two things. Sometimes I try to just sit w/the emotions until they pass, not doing anything about them (and they do pass, always--emotions are just weather). Here is one article about sitting with painful emotions How to Sit with Painful Emotions | World of Psychology and you can certainly google up many more. The other option is to get busy w/something else, something that takes concentration and effort, and inevitably, at some point during the project, I'll think "oh, gosh, I forgot to be sad!"

Now I do realize that those 2 ways of dealing with the grief are polar opposites! And I can't tell you how to know when to do which one (answers like this used to make me absolutely crazed when I was younger in my recovery, so I apologize for saying it to you now). However, I don't think there is a "wrong" answer, so just try whichever one seems best and see how it goes.

As far as feeling lonely, wishing I could share a burden, what has just recently come to me is this: I am NOT alone. I ALWAYS have help in carrying the weight. I am part of the Universe, and as such, I am never alone. The companionship and help I used to seek from XAH are available from God, the Higher Power, the Universe, whatever term we use, at any time I choose to ask for them and to see myself as part of the whole, not as something separate. I really hope that doesn't freak you out--I think it likely would have freaked me out, up until very recently! This is a completely new thing for me, and I'm not someone who ever had any kind of belief system in the past. I have no idea where you are with regards to this, but I did want to toss it out there for your consideration.

You've come a long way, expanding. Your name is totally appropriate!

How crazy is it that I just saw this article??? Your advice rings so true it's uncanny sometimes


This doesn't freak me out at all and is in fact the basis of my understanding of a higher power! I believe that we are all one, that there is no such thing as being separate. I have fallen out of this train of thought recently. I find that when I do remember everything is connected I experience an incredible amount synchronicity in my life that sometimes has my jaw dropping.

And thank you for the compliment. I purposely picked "Expanding" because that is how my mind felt. It was as if it was confined for years and finally busted out. Everything came rushing in and I started growing to accommodate all the new thoughts and perspectives. It took me about 6 weeks to write my first post after axbf left so I had had lots of time to think about things.

My goodness I must have googled all day for weeks, barely getting any sleep because I just couldn't get enough. My mind was like a sponge that wanted to learn and take in everything it could. When a sponge absorbs it expands lol

I'm a truth seeker and am so glad I reached out on this forum. I would not be where I am today without it

Amen, sister!! A big, booming, loud and clear AMEN!!