End of Relationship
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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End of Relationship
My relationship with my boyfriend of 14 months just ended last month. He has been in recovery for four years, I am not an addict myself but knew he was when we started dating. He told me that he was still legally married but has not seen his someday to be ex-wife in six years.
Needless to say I had asked on our first date & six months in if he ever considered getting married again or marrying me, he said he did & he had. Not to long before he ended our relationship he was working long hours, no he wasn't seeing anyone else & pretending to be working I know this for a fact.
The day he ended our relationship he said he had been miserable for two months, that he wasn't sure if he needed more AA & that he needed to make major changes. I was devastated & completely blindsided, I always supported his continued recovery & always encouraged meetings. A week after the split I found out on Facebook he is with someone else! There was a photo of the two of them on his page, talk about a slap in the face!
I came to find out through reading through his & her Facebook that they had talked behind my back, she is also four years into her recovery & he has told her some of the same things in a romantic way that he told me.
He had even told his brother when I met him that he would never date another woman of AA that there is too much baggage there. I cannot understand how he could do a complete reversal on me, not be honest & walk away from a healthy relationship.
I know the no divorce yet is a red flag & I carry some blame with not really addressing that issue, but he even told his other brother last year that he would be filing. I fell deeply in love with this man, Im 40 & he's 55, he was very good to me & I would have worked at the relationship if given the chance.
Has anyone come across this behavior? Im just trying to process this to heal and move on with my life. Any insight is appreciated.
Needless to say I had asked on our first date & six months in if he ever considered getting married again or marrying me, he said he did & he had. Not to long before he ended our relationship he was working long hours, no he wasn't seeing anyone else & pretending to be working I know this for a fact.
The day he ended our relationship he said he had been miserable for two months, that he wasn't sure if he needed more AA & that he needed to make major changes. I was devastated & completely blindsided, I always supported his continued recovery & always encouraged meetings. A week after the split I found out on Facebook he is with someone else! There was a photo of the two of them on his page, talk about a slap in the face!
I came to find out through reading through his & her Facebook that they had talked behind my back, she is also four years into her recovery & he has told her some of the same things in a romantic way that he told me.
He had even told his brother when I met him that he would never date another woman of AA that there is too much baggage there. I cannot understand how he could do a complete reversal on me, not be honest & walk away from a healthy relationship.
I know the no divorce yet is a red flag & I carry some blame with not really addressing that issue, but he even told his other brother last year that he would be filing. I fell deeply in love with this man, Im 40 & he's 55, he was very good to me & I would have worked at the relationship if given the chance.
Has anyone come across this behavior? Im just trying to process this to heal and move on with my life. Any insight is appreciated.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Personally I don't think this is related to his being a recovering alcoholic. Sounds like he was unfaithful, at least not upfront emotionally, and used the easiest out he could find. My heart goes out to you, it's a horrible thing to go through.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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I don't see addict behavior attributable to being an addict it appears he was seeing this woman before the relationship ended.
The "still married 6 years after the last time he saw his wife" IS the biggest red flag ever. He's either too lazy to get divorced, or simply doesn't give a crap.
No potential here - I'd move along.
The "still married 6 years after the last time he saw his wife" IS the biggest red flag ever. He's either too lazy to get divorced, or simply doesn't give a crap.
No potential here - I'd move along.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
This is one of those times that the "sober horse thief" analogy applies. Did the alcohol cause him to be a jerk, or was he a jerk before he started drinking? Only he knows for sure.
Life isn't all rosy and perfect once an addict cleans up. And addicts aren't the only people who cheat on their partners.
Life isn't all rosy and perfect once an addict cleans up. And addicts aren't the only people who cheat on their partners.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by Thomas45 
This is one of those times that the "sober horse thief" analogy applies. Did the alcohol cause him to be a jerk, or was he a jerk before he started drinking? Only he knows for sure.
Life isn't all rosy and perfect once an addict cleans up. And addicts aren't the only people who cheat on their partners.
Life isn't all rosy and perfect once an addict cleans up. And addicts aren't the only people who cheat on their partners.
This must hurt incredibly to have this happen. Please take care of yourself at this difficult time: eat healthy, get exercise, and spend time with good people.
Let us know how you are doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Thank you all for your insight & kind words, sometimes seeing things in writing helps make it real to help heal. I am getting therapy, I practice meditation & yoga, I follow one day at a time as well, again thank you all for your replies & frankness.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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I cannot understand how he could do a complete reversal on me, not be honest & walk away from a healthy relationship.
because at least one of you was NOT "healthy" - he sounds like a douche, to me......likes to string women along, collect them, then toss them aside when it suits him. i know you don't quite see it NOW, but you are better off out of this relationship.
do yourself a favor and give FB a WIDE berth.
because at least one of you was NOT "healthy" - he sounds like a douche, to me......likes to string women along, collect them, then toss them aside when it suits him. i know you don't quite see it NOW, but you are better off out of this relationship.
do yourself a favor and give FB a WIDE berth.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Thank you all, the picture is becoming clearer that if he truly loved me he never would have walked away. I put a great deal into the relationship, it was my first serious relationship. I spent my twenties working on myself after being diagnosed with panic disorder after my Father's death from lung cancer, I dated but never found someone worth my time. My Mother passes five months before he & I started seeing each other & I had known him for a year at that point. I knew about his years of drinking & the internal damage it caused & the damage to his family. I truly thought he was in a good place, early on in the relationship he was always open and honest about his drinking and really worked his program. Im studying to be a therapist so I made a point of learning about the disease of alcoholism so that I could have a better understanding. I believe now that after our year anniversary is when things started to change, I was serious about marriage, no kids though so that we agreed on but when things changed at his job he didn't deal with stress well, he wasn't eating right, although that was never good & he worked 65hrs a week, ironically that changed right after he left me. I know other's in recovery who work their programs, even one who is getting married and his fiance is also in recovery, but they work their programs and their relationship. I do see now that yes, he strung me along, he had times he could have said this isn't working for me, before this woman came into the picture but didn't and shame on him for not being honest, but as a friend in recovery has told me impulse behavior is not good, but he is her problem now, I am working on my own healing I have no contact with him, unfriended him & everyone I knew through him on Facebook & don't drive by where he works or lives which is close to me. Im just trying to heal my broken heart, thank you again for your honest responses
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Location: Western US
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Wow BW, on paper this guy sounds great. If I was dating I wouldn't have seen much wrong.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things to heal.
The best book I ever found on grief is How to Survive the Loss of a Love.. It was written some time ago but I've never found anything better. It would take about an hour to read and makes you laugh and cry.
Big hug to you.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things to heal.
The best book I ever found on grief is How to Survive the Loss of a Love.. It was written some time ago but I've never found anything better. It would take about an hour to read and makes you laugh and cry.
Big hug to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Wow BW, on paper this guy sounds great. If I was dating I wouldn't have seen much wrong.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things to heal.
The best book I ever found on grief is How to Survive the Loss of a Love.. It was written some time ago but I've never found anything better. It would take about an hour to read and makes you laugh and cry.
Big hug to you.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things to heal.
The best book I ever found on grief is How to Survive the Loss of a Love.. It was written some time ago but I've never found anything better. It would take about an hour to read and makes you laugh and cry.
Big hug to you.
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