HopingForCure

I recently got introduced to this guy through friends and we have been texting and talking. Things are going well. But at the same time, I have not completely stopped talking to my alcoholic fiance (ex-fiance?). And I feel very guilty. I feel like I am cheating on both of them.
I am at a point where if I move forward and get back together with my ex, the anxiety due to his alcoholism will drive me crazy but if I take a step back and stop talking to him completely, the depression will take over. I know I need to take one day at a time and that I do not have to make any life altering decisions now. But I feel very guilty. Any advice will be much appreciated.

mylifeismine

hi hfc,
Just wondering what you are doing for your recovery? Any meetings,
a sponsor, counseling? Hope is not enough.

SparkleKitty

At a time in my life when my first marriage was falling apart and it felt like the world was crashing in around me, my "best thinking" landed me right in the middle of a new infatuation with someone else. Seeking validation from a relationship was all I knew, all I understood, the only thing that felt "right". This was the beginning of my recovery from codependency.

A new relationship is not the answer; the old relationship is not the answer.

Learning to take care of yourself, to love and respect yourself no matter what, to validate your own feelings and beliefs...that is the thing that nothing -- not addiction, not anything -- can ever take away from you.

dandylion

Hoping....my first thought is that you may be using relationships to bandaid over the discomfort of the work of working on your self and your own issues.
I think that it would always be a good idea to abstain from any romantic entanglements,,,"dating"..., etc.....for at least a year...or, as l ong as it takes for you to get grounded with your own self.....
the person that you are "cheating on" is yourself.....

You are probably getting your "feel good" from the physiology of early romantic attraction......But, that fix is always of a fleeting nature....it doesn't last......

dandylion

ladyscribbler

A large part of my codependent behavior in the past has included what could be called "relationship addiction." It was rare for me to move on without having another person waiting in the wings. Even when I did, I never stayed single for long.

For me it was a convenient way to avoid dealing with my own issues- the reasons that I felt the need to leap immediately from one (almost identical) relationship to the next without any true healing or introspection on my part.

What you're doing here is unnecessary. You're agonizing over choosing one man or relationship over the other. What that really means is that you're not giving yourself the space and time you need or even the option of healing. You will simply transfer what you had going on with Mr. 1 into your "new" relationship. Because wherever you go, there you are.

In another thread you mentioned being attracted to and getting involved with many problem children in the past. You have the opportunity right now to take a realistic look at your relationship behavior and possibly break this pattern.

I stayed single for 3+ years before I started even attempting to date again. I worked on me- Al Anon meetings, individual therapy, journaling and just generally a lot of time spent getting comfortable with being on my own before I tried another relationship. Not saying you have to wait that long, but moving immediately from an engagement and long, serious relationship with an alcoholic to Mr. 2 might be a mistake if you want to take the time and do the work to heal yourself.

hopepraylove

I strongly suggest taking some time to yourself, to heal, alone, without the back burner option of either man.

dandylion

Hoping...I am reminded of the often told story of an alcoholic going to rehab and then starting a romantic relationship with someone that they met while in treatment.....
Without their drug to feel good...or, just to feel normal....they grab for the first substitute that they can find to distract themselves from the discomfort of learning to live without drugs.....

dandylion

mylifeismine

Guilt is the correct feeling when you are doing something that is
wrong. It is unfair to the new guy to use him to ease your fears of
depression and anxiety. It is very telling of how much work you
need to do on yourself before you can participate in a relationship
as a healthy individual.

HopingForCure

Thank you. This helps. I just started Al-anon, been talking to a therapist, working on not obsessing over his drinking, practicing gratitude every day even if its fake, telling myself every day that no natter how much it will hurt that I will not get into a marriage contract or have any kids with him. This new guy just came out of nowhere...I wasnt expecting and I didnt even feel ready to talk to a new person...It just happened and now I am just going with the flow. I am at such a confused state of mind right now.

ladyscribbler

A lot of my previous relationships came about because someone was interested in me "out of nowhere." I would occasionally think, well, maybe I ought to spend some time alone, then some guy would express interest in me and all introspection went out the window. I felt almost obligated to have a relationship with anyone who was interested. I'd panic and think this might be my last chance or that no one else would ever want me again if I said no.

You didn't feel ready to talk to a new person, yet here you are, because HE came out of nowhere and your friends were pushing. Why couldn't you just say you weren't interested in dating or talking to another guy so soon off the heels of this last breakup? Where does that sense of obligation come from? That inability to say no?

Don't think I'm being critical. I had a lot of those types of situations in my past which were the result of my poor boundaries and fear of letting down other people. They were questions I had to answer myself before I was ready to have a healthy relationship.

mylifeismine

"I am at such a confused state of mind right now."

All the more reason to not get involved with someone new. So
glad to hear you are working on your own recovery! As so many
will tell you, it takes time, time focused on you. It's hard, but its
the only way out of the pain and confusion and to a healthy
relationship with others, but most of all, a healthy relationship
with yourself.

You can learn a lot on this forum and save yourself years and maybe
decades of unhealthy behavior and relationships. I wish, oh how I
wish i'd had this 25 years ago!! But I have it now, & I listen, really
listen.

I wish you well in your recovery.

dandylion

Hoping...I think that when you have learned more about establishing boundaries to protect yourself....this will all get easier......

dandylion

Expanding

Beware that he is not taking advantage of you. You are vulnerable right now and he may be picking up on that and presenting himself as a knight in shining armour