Tired and Sad
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Tired and Sad
Hi, Friends,
No response is needed, I just need to get this off my chest, and maybe that will help.
As you know from previous posts, AW had an emotional affair with her boss(which she FULLY denies), they had a falling out because he wanted more, plus his wife found out and raised holy hell. Ever since then the boss has acted like a complete arse to her and said things things that were totally inappropriate. It's made working there quite uneasy for AW - and I feel bad in a way, but at the same think that she did NOTHING to rebuke his advances and flirtations until push came to shove. ( A condensed version of the history).
So, last night I'm quietly reading the paper trying to settle down before bed. She comes down (after killing several glasses of wine), and asks how to deal with his up and down moods. Then the wine kicks in and she goes off on several different and disparate tangents that are impossible to follow. Then she says, "What do you think?" I said,. "About what, I don't understand where you were going." Now I become the village idiot because I can't follow an A's ramblings!! She gets that "you're so f-ing stupid" look, and walks away. Now is the time for me to escape and go to bed!
Oh no, it's not! She comes into the room, after I'm cozy and lights turned off, and starts in about: how I don't care about her, how all men are pigs, how women in this country are second-class citizens, how I blame her for the mess she's in (I have said she fueled the fire), how I don't love her or give a sh!t about her, how I won't protect her from this bully, how her dad is the only one who cares about her (he was the enabling one who went out and got her mom more booze for her binges, and then put my wife in the middle), and how it's my fault that she even had any sort of attraction to her boss because I don't care!
This went on for TWENTY minutes! I have always been able to listen to this crap for awhile and then escape to bed - now I can't even do that, she follows me and waits for me to be lying down! Now, on my behalf, I did NOT engage with her, even though she wanted a retort from me. I am not conversing with someone who is under the influence.
I couldn't get to sleep, no matter how hard I tried to relax and focus on positive thoughts and breathing. So now, I'm tired from lack of sleep, and I'm tired of this BS, which had died down a little as of late.
I really hope she goes on that biz trip in less than 2 weeks - DS and I need a break.
Thanks for reading - I feel better just getting it out. I had a long walk at lunch and asked God over and over for guidance and help.
COD
No response is needed, I just need to get this off my chest, and maybe that will help.
As you know from previous posts, AW had an emotional affair with her boss(which she FULLY denies), they had a falling out because he wanted more, plus his wife found out and raised holy hell. Ever since then the boss has acted like a complete arse to her and said things things that were totally inappropriate. It's made working there quite uneasy for AW - and I feel bad in a way, but at the same think that she did NOTHING to rebuke his advances and flirtations until push came to shove. ( A condensed version of the history).
So, last night I'm quietly reading the paper trying to settle down before bed. She comes down (after killing several glasses of wine), and asks how to deal with his up and down moods. Then the wine kicks in and she goes off on several different and disparate tangents that are impossible to follow. Then she says, "What do you think?" I said,. "About what, I don't understand where you were going." Now I become the village idiot because I can't follow an A's ramblings!! She gets that "you're so f-ing stupid" look, and walks away. Now is the time for me to escape and go to bed!
Oh no, it's not! She comes into the room, after I'm cozy and lights turned off, and starts in about: how I don't care about her, how all men are pigs, how women in this country are second-class citizens, how I blame her for the mess she's in (I have said she fueled the fire), how I don't love her or give a sh!t about her, how I won't protect her from this bully, how her dad is the only one who cares about her (he was the enabling one who went out and got her mom more booze for her binges, and then put my wife in the middle), and how it's my fault that she even had any sort of attraction to her boss because I don't care!
This went on for TWENTY minutes! I have always been able to listen to this crap for awhile and then escape to bed - now I can't even do that, she follows me and waits for me to be lying down! Now, on my behalf, I did NOT engage with her, even though she wanted a retort from me. I am not conversing with someone who is under the influence.
I couldn't get to sleep, no matter how hard I tried to relax and focus on positive thoughts and breathing. So now, I'm tired from lack of sleep, and I'm tired of this BS, which had died down a little as of late.
I really hope she goes on that biz trip in less than 2 weeks - DS and I need a break.
Thanks for reading - I feel better just getting it out. I had a long walk at lunch and asked God over and over for guidance and help.
COD
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Sending you lots of support, COHD.
I know you know this, but I'm going to say it anyway because I know it helps me to get this kind of affirmation here...
She is upset that she thinks you blame her for the mess she's in.
THE MESS SHE IS IN IS 100% ALL HER FAULT. PERIOD. She made the choice to carry on an emotional affair with her boss. Now, her boss's behavior may be totally uncalled for, inappropriate, illegal, abusive, whatever (and remember: you are aware of his reactions THROUGH YOUR WIFE'S FILTER, so her version of what is going on is obviously suspect). And nobody deserves to be abused, or to be the victim of illegal conduct in the workplace. But your wife obviously refuses to accept one iota of responsibility here, so talking about how much of it is/isn't her fault is probably a huge waste of everyone's time and energy. I don't blame you for wanting to avoid the subject entirely. She wants you to stand up to a "bully" on her behalf? She wants you to defend her honor, with respect to her relationship with the man she cheated emotionally with? I know you know how totally out of touch with reality she is. I'm just backing you up here. And if it were me, I wouldn't waste much time feeling sorry for her being in an uncomfortable position at work. If he's actually doing something illegal, she can call a lawyer to help her. She won't accept responsibility for putting herself in this position, and she won't accept responsibility for taking action against behavior that based on her claims, sounds like it could warrant legal action. Just like with every other A, everything is someone else's fault, and someone else's responsibility.
Hang in there, my friend.
I know you know this, but I'm going to say it anyway because I know it helps me to get this kind of affirmation here...
She is upset that she thinks you blame her for the mess she's in.
THE MESS SHE IS IN IS 100% ALL HER FAULT. PERIOD. She made the choice to carry on an emotional affair with her boss. Now, her boss's behavior may be totally uncalled for, inappropriate, illegal, abusive, whatever (and remember: you are aware of his reactions THROUGH YOUR WIFE'S FILTER, so her version of what is going on is obviously suspect). And nobody deserves to be abused, or to be the victim of illegal conduct in the workplace. But your wife obviously refuses to accept one iota of responsibility here, so talking about how much of it is/isn't her fault is probably a huge waste of everyone's time and energy. I don't blame you for wanting to avoid the subject entirely. She wants you to stand up to a "bully" on her behalf? She wants you to defend her honor, with respect to her relationship with the man she cheated emotionally with? I know you know how totally out of touch with reality she is. I'm just backing you up here. And if it were me, I wouldn't waste much time feeling sorry for her being in an uncomfortable position at work. If he's actually doing something illegal, she can call a lawyer to help her. She won't accept responsibility for putting herself in this position, and she won't accept responsibility for taking action against behavior that based on her claims, sounds like it could warrant legal action. Just like with every other A, everything is someone else's fault, and someone else's responsibility.
Hang in there, my friend.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
At what point do you stand up...for you? At what point do you finally get furious?
They say depression is anger turned inward...maybe that's something you can relate to?
Sending you strength to somehow find your way out...this is all hers and you don't have to participate.
They say depression is anger turned inward...maybe that's something you can relate to?
Sending you strength to somehow find your way out...this is all hers and you don't have to participate.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ok, here we go. Truth time.
She is not stupid. Anyone who is having an emotional affair knows just what they are doing. They also know when they are encouraging the other person. I think it's absolutely crazy that you would feel bad for her in any way. She fueled this fire for sure.
I think she seeks attention. She cannot stand to not have a man fawning over her. She wants to discuss "Oh, what should I do?" to make herself feel important, and to feel a victim. Her own father gives her that through his enabling.
She is a king baby, drunken, attention seeker. She is 100% at fault for the mess she is in. Because you won't give her the enabling attention she is seeking, she is very angry at you for that. No one is fueling her demand for attention.
I think you are a wonderful person who does not deserve to take the verbal abuse she doles out when you least expect it. I understand. My X did this, and still does. We will be going along, getting along pretty well, then bam. Out of nowhere, here it comes. You are a piece of crap, everything is your fault, blah blah blah. It is abuse, pure and simple.
I applaud you for not engaging with her, which is absolutely what she wants. Hugs to you, I hate that you are going through this for you and your DS.
She is not stupid. Anyone who is having an emotional affair knows just what they are doing. They also know when they are encouraging the other person. I think it's absolutely crazy that you would feel bad for her in any way. She fueled this fire for sure.
I think she seeks attention. She cannot stand to not have a man fawning over her. She wants to discuss "Oh, what should I do?" to make herself feel important, and to feel a victim. Her own father gives her that through his enabling.
She is a king baby, drunken, attention seeker. She is 100% at fault for the mess she is in. Because you won't give her the enabling attention she is seeking, she is very angry at you for that. No one is fueling her demand for attention.
I think you are a wonderful person who does not deserve to take the verbal abuse she doles out when you least expect it. I understand. My X did this, and still does. We will be going along, getting along pretty well, then bam. Out of nowhere, here it comes. You are a piece of crap, everything is your fault, blah blah blah. It is abuse, pure and simple.
I applaud you for not engaging with her, which is absolutely what she wants. Hugs to you, I hate that you are going through this for you and your DS.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
(((COD)))
Towards the end of my relationship with XABF, he had started following me around the house in his rages. He wanted to remove me walking away into another room as an option for me - trying to force me to engage. I think it was a combination of me changing, his alcoholism progressing, and me being pretty detached. It got so I would frequently just leave the house and spend the night elsewhere - is that an option for you at all? I know kids change the ease of that option.
Keep on the path you are on - keep detaching and not engaging. Pretty soon, that crap won't even affect you, and you'll sleep like a baby after it. And when you get to that point, the motivation....no the desperate NEED to get the hell out is not far behind....and nothing will stop you.
It is said often in here that when we detach, they get worse. 50% of the union has grown and changed, and the other 50% has not. They don't know how to handle the new dynamic, so they try harder and in more drastic ways to keep things the same.
I feel for you man, it is INSANITY.
Towards the end of my relationship with XABF, he had started following me around the house in his rages. He wanted to remove me walking away into another room as an option for me - trying to force me to engage. I think it was a combination of me changing, his alcoholism progressing, and me being pretty detached. It got so I would frequently just leave the house and spend the night elsewhere - is that an option for you at all? I know kids change the ease of that option.
Keep on the path you are on - keep detaching and not engaging. Pretty soon, that crap won't even affect you, and you'll sleep like a baby after it. And when you get to that point, the motivation....no the desperate NEED to get the hell out is not far behind....and nothing will stop you.
It is said often in here that when we detach, they get worse. 50% of the union has grown and changed, and the other 50% has not. They don't know how to handle the new dynamic, so they try harder and in more drastic ways to keep things the same.
I feel for you man, it is INSANITY.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
COD,
Having gone through this type of thing so recently, basically just absolute ignorant behavior and total disregard for your feelings, I feel your pain. Keep trying your best to distance yourself as much as you can. When the fight comes to you, I know sometimes you can't avoid it. I think some of them do like to fight sometimes unfortunately, sort of like another emotional need when the drink gets to a certain level. Experienced that as well. Or argue, or debate, or whatever you want to call it.
I got really good at finding other rooms or other places to go, and especially headphones at home when the music or TV or whatever else got so loud to somehow try and get me to pick the fight.
Walk away when you can, I know you are still in a place that you want to be at home, and as someone who allowed it to go on for so long, I understand, and post whatever you want here and you know we'll listen.
Having gone through this type of thing so recently, basically just absolute ignorant behavior and total disregard for your feelings, I feel your pain. Keep trying your best to distance yourself as much as you can. When the fight comes to you, I know sometimes you can't avoid it. I think some of them do like to fight sometimes unfortunately, sort of like another emotional need when the drink gets to a certain level. Experienced that as well. Or argue, or debate, or whatever you want to call it.
I got really good at finding other rooms or other places to go, and especially headphones at home when the music or TV or whatever else got so loud to somehow try and get me to pick the fight.
Walk away when you can, I know you are still in a place that you want to be at home, and as someone who allowed it to go on for so long, I understand, and post whatever you want here and you know we'll listen.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'm going to play Devil's advocate here for a second. Your wife, though drunk, made some statements that are saying a lot.
Oh no, it's not! She comes into the room, after I'm cozy and lights turned off, and starts in about: how I don't care about her, how all men are pigs, how women in this country are second-class citizens, how I blame her for the mess she's in (I have said she fueled the fire), how I don't love her or give a sh!t about her, how I won't protect her from this bully, how her dad is the only one who cares about her (he was the enabling one who went out and got her mom more booze for her binges, and then put my wife in the middle), and how it's my fault that she even had any sort of attraction to her boss because I don't care!
It is true isn't it, that while she carried on this emotional affair that you were very aware of it? That you said nothing about it much?
I'm just kindly trying to figure out the story here, because there is always the middle where the truth lies. When I read a woman writing about be a second class citizen, feeling neglected, she seems angry to me that you aren't concerned in the least about her situation.
Yes, I know your history. I do know she is difficult, and that her alcoholism is difficult. She complains about lack of affection, that you don't love or give a **** about her (do You)?
it's my fault that she even had any sort of attraction to her boss because I don't care! No, its her fault, BUT if you don't water the garden it will die.
You are checked out of the marriage that is clear. It seems to me that continuing to stay in it is pointless. It sounds like your wife is wanting attention and affection. No, I don't find a drunk to be attractive personally I'm just wondering why stay in a situation where you are not willing to provide her her marital/human needs, and she isn't willing to stop drinking?
Oh no, it's not! She comes into the room, after I'm cozy and lights turned off, and starts in about: how I don't care about her, how all men are pigs, how women in this country are second-class citizens, how I blame her for the mess she's in (I have said she fueled the fire), how I don't love her or give a sh!t about her, how I won't protect her from this bully, how her dad is the only one who cares about her (he was the enabling one who went out and got her mom more booze for her binges, and then put my wife in the middle), and how it's my fault that she even had any sort of attraction to her boss because I don't care!
It is true isn't it, that while she carried on this emotional affair that you were very aware of it? That you said nothing about it much?
I'm just kindly trying to figure out the story here, because there is always the middle where the truth lies. When I read a woman writing about be a second class citizen, feeling neglected, she seems angry to me that you aren't concerned in the least about her situation.
Yes, I know your history. I do know she is difficult, and that her alcoholism is difficult. She complains about lack of affection, that you don't love or give a **** about her (do You)?
it's my fault that she even had any sort of attraction to her boss because I don't care! No, its her fault, BUT if you don't water the garden it will die.
You are checked out of the marriage that is clear. It seems to me that continuing to stay in it is pointless. It sounds like your wife is wanting attention and affection. No, I don't find a drunk to be attractive personally I'm just wondering why stay in a situation where you are not willing to provide her her marital/human needs, and she isn't willing to stop drinking?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
COD, let's roll back the calendar three years:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nsult-2-a.html
i cannot envision listening to hank rant on about his failed "affair" with another woman, and how i should put up more of a fight for him, and that it was MY fault he was banging some other broad. i'd be way too busy digging out the cast iron skillet and
i know you cling to this notion that is was ONLY an "emotional" affair, and i have to call BS on that. regardless, the fact that you are still WITH her and LISTENING to her castigate YOU for your failings that led to HER seeking the company of another is very sad and a bit disturbing. supposedly this ended months ago.....and it is STILL a hot topic.
what is she bringing to the table? besides wine and misery? IMHO you and your son need more than a "break" of a week or two....she is not going to magically transform into a loving caring active partner.
EVER.
that ship sailed. you are a lovely bright intelligent man and a great dad.....free yourself from the abuse..............
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nsult-2-a.html
i cannot envision listening to hank rant on about his failed "affair" with another woman, and how i should put up more of a fight for him, and that it was MY fault he was banging some other broad. i'd be way too busy digging out the cast iron skillet and
i know you cling to this notion that is was ONLY an "emotional" affair, and i have to call BS on that. regardless, the fact that you are still WITH her and LISTENING to her castigate YOU for your failings that led to HER seeking the company of another is very sad and a bit disturbing. supposedly this ended months ago.....and it is STILL a hot topic.
what is she bringing to the table? besides wine and misery? IMHO you and your son need more than a "break" of a week or two....she is not going to magically transform into a loving caring active partner.
EVER.
that ship sailed. you are a lovely bright intelligent man and a great dad.....free yourself from the abuse..............
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 11
COD.. I swear I could have written most of that word for word.
Going to another room is not an escape, neither is going to bed/sleep; they are merely temporary reprieves from the insanity, and while they should be your safe space/time she will not respect that. She will follow you around and demand that you listen to her sob story, or pick/continue a fight if it suits her...
For me, when a drunken tirade would start up I would often disengage and go to another part of the house to escape. Eventually she would come to where I was at and continue the fight there, at which point I'd go to another part of the house. I had tried blasting music, listening through headphones, going to bed, even barricading the doors with furniture, none of it worked for long.. and fights would usually continue either until she grew tired of it, I would yell as loud as I could to get her to leave me alone, or I left the house (I'd drive around for 30 mins+). 6 yrs ago during one of these drunken chases around the house, I was leaving the 4th or 5th room that she had followed me to, turned to say something to her as she followed me out of a room and I missed the first step on the stairs and broke my back falling down a full flight. Did she push me, no... was I trying to get away from her and her drunken tirade that was following me around.. yes. A few months after that I installed child locks (can open with a coin) on all of the interior doors... which worked surprisingly well for a while, until she figured how to open them while drunk. The excessive lengths I went through to try to protect my space and peace of mind was a bit crazy in and of itself. It can get worse and the boundary of needing some personal space from the insanity can and will be tested and pushed.
Regarding the affair.. you should not be subjected to listening to her complaints or problems that have arisen from her infidelity; it's cruel and insensitive on her behalf. These are her problems that she created, hence she should be the one to fix them. And according to an A, if you don't help or provide a solution then you are the bad guy. And if you do provide a solution and it doesn't go as she hopes, you're still the bad guy. It's a lose-lose situation.
In regards to my STBXAW's affair (both emotional/physical) with her boss, it continued well after I found about it; and the lies, deceptions and gaslighting got worse. After verifying the affair was still going on 5 months later I hired a lawyer, PI and gathered everything to pursue an at-fault divorce. At which point, I'm still unsure if what I did was controlling or enforcing a boundary... all I knew was that I would/could not be in her life any longer if he was in any capacity. I told her she needed to make her choice and left it up to her; and she left her job.... which for the next two years all I ever heard was how I made her quit her job (of course she made no attempts to get another job). Also during which time the affair continued anyway.. and even up to this day.
And now I forgot the point I was trying to make.. lol
Just protect yourself as best you can; and hopefully the biz trip happens and you get a little peace and quiet.
Going to another room is not an escape, neither is going to bed/sleep; they are merely temporary reprieves from the insanity, and while they should be your safe space/time she will not respect that. She will follow you around and demand that you listen to her sob story, or pick/continue a fight if it suits her...
For me, when a drunken tirade would start up I would often disengage and go to another part of the house to escape. Eventually she would come to where I was at and continue the fight there, at which point I'd go to another part of the house. I had tried blasting music, listening through headphones, going to bed, even barricading the doors with furniture, none of it worked for long.. and fights would usually continue either until she grew tired of it, I would yell as loud as I could to get her to leave me alone, or I left the house (I'd drive around for 30 mins+). 6 yrs ago during one of these drunken chases around the house, I was leaving the 4th or 5th room that she had followed me to, turned to say something to her as she followed me out of a room and I missed the first step on the stairs and broke my back falling down a full flight. Did she push me, no... was I trying to get away from her and her drunken tirade that was following me around.. yes. A few months after that I installed child locks (can open with a coin) on all of the interior doors... which worked surprisingly well for a while, until she figured how to open them while drunk. The excessive lengths I went through to try to protect my space and peace of mind was a bit crazy in and of itself. It can get worse and the boundary of needing some personal space from the insanity can and will be tested and pushed.
Regarding the affair.. you should not be subjected to listening to her complaints or problems that have arisen from her infidelity; it's cruel and insensitive on her behalf. These are her problems that she created, hence she should be the one to fix them. And according to an A, if you don't help or provide a solution then you are the bad guy. And if you do provide a solution and it doesn't go as she hopes, you're still the bad guy. It's a lose-lose situation.
In regards to my STBXAW's affair (both emotional/physical) with her boss, it continued well after I found about it; and the lies, deceptions and gaslighting got worse. After verifying the affair was still going on 5 months later I hired a lawyer, PI and gathered everything to pursue an at-fault divorce. At which point, I'm still unsure if what I did was controlling or enforcing a boundary... all I knew was that I would/could not be in her life any longer if he was in any capacity. I told her she needed to make her choice and left it up to her; and she left her job.... which for the next two years all I ever heard was how I made her quit her job (of course she made no attempts to get another job). Also during which time the affair continued anyway.. and even up to this day.
And now I forgot the point I was trying to make.. lol
Just protect yourself as best you can; and hopefully the biz trip happens and you get a little peace and quiet.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
COHD, I was in your place for a looooong time. Kvetsching and complaining about my AH, but not willing or able yet to make any meaningful changes. I spun my wheels for so long, in part, because my AH worked out of town for a year, and gave me some breathing room. That time apart was good, because it gave me a chance to get my head on straight without the constant stress and chaos of having an active alcoholic actually in the house. But it also just added a year on to the misery for me and more importantly, for my kids.
I get the need to vent. Believe me, I totally get it. I also received gentle and not-so-gentle responses to my never-ending venting as it went on and on and on for multiple years, reminding me that I deserved better and that I was capable of walking away from the misery. I understand you aren't there yet. I'm keeping you and your DS in my heart, in the hope that for both of your sakes, you get there soon. I spent a long time trying to use detachment as a long-term or even permanent way to cope with being married to an alcoholic, and ultimately figured out that it's not designed to be anything but a short- and medium-term way to cope with stress and abuse while you figure out your plan.
I get the need to vent. Believe me, I totally get it. I also received gentle and not-so-gentle responses to my never-ending venting as it went on and on and on for multiple years, reminding me that I deserved better and that I was capable of walking away from the misery. I understand you aren't there yet. I'm keeping you and your DS in my heart, in the hope that for both of your sakes, you get there soon. I spent a long time trying to use detachment as a long-term or even permanent way to cope with being married to an alcoholic, and ultimately figured out that it's not designed to be anything but a short- and medium-term way to cope with stress and abuse while you figure out your plan.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Southgate, MI
Posts: 30
I feel your pain, and I can relate with so much. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My XABF basically blamed me for his emotional affairs with several women Bc I went up to bed at 10 pm. That I was distant. I'm sorry I couldn't stay up till 3 am every night talking to him like he was with his women. I basically begged him every night to come upstairs with me. I craved connection and intimacy. He wanted text conversations with strange women. He tried to make me believe that was my fault. Attention seeker. That's all he was.
You are not to blame for her emotional affair. Alcoholics always makes the innocent the root of all evil. Leaving my X was the best decision I've ever made and one of the hardest. Life is sad now but it was sad before so what's the difference? The difference is I'm free. Free from blame. Free from accusations. Free from jekyl and Hyde. One day life won't be so sad, and it will be better Bc I was strong enough to leave. Something you may really want to think about. Living with betrayal and a boozer is no fun. I've been there.
Hugs, my friend.
You are not to blame for her emotional affair. Alcoholics always makes the innocent the root of all evil. Leaving my X was the best decision I've ever made and one of the hardest. Life is sad now but it was sad before so what's the difference? The difference is I'm free. Free from blame. Free from accusations. Free from jekyl and Hyde. One day life won't be so sad, and it will be better Bc I was strong enough to leave. Something you may really want to think about. Living with betrayal and a boozer is no fun. I've been there.
Hugs, my friend.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
COD,
I also can relate. My AXH would wake me up and start at me. I would go to sleep in another room and he followed. Finally I would throw clothes on in the middle of the night and I would leave. I would go and sleep in our local hospitals parking lot. I did this about a half a dozen times. Do you think he would get the hint to leave me alone, nope. Still harassed me drunk and wouldn't leave me alone.
I am alone now and have peace of mind. I pray one day you find that peace!!!
I also can relate. My AXH would wake me up and start at me. I would go to sleep in another room and he followed. Finally I would throw clothes on in the middle of the night and I would leave. I would go and sleep in our local hospitals parking lot. I did this about a half a dozen times. Do you think he would get the hint to leave me alone, nope. Still harassed me drunk and wouldn't leave me alone.
I am alone now and have peace of mind. I pray one day you find that peace!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi COD,
I just wanted to say, that as hard as it is to think it, I've thought from the beginning that it isn't just an emotional affair. While it doesn't really matter, similar to Anvil, I've believed it's physical as well.
In my own situation, I questioned my XAH and all the evidence was there to be found, but I believed his words. In the end it all came to light.
My reason for saying this is that denial and belief in your spouse (I would never do that so she wouldn't either) can be so strong that it clouds reality. A great quote from someone on SR that I always remember is "hope clouds observation".
That doesn't matter though.
You're married to a woman who holds back emotional intimacy from you and blames you for the color of the sky. You can't emotionally connect with her even if you wanted to. You may not be willing to throw in the towel yet. I understand the pain you're going through. I was there for a long time.
I want to share this excerpt from my journal that I wrote one week after filing for divorce three years ago (as a last resort). The feelings described here overtook me in a very unexpected way, since I DIDN'T WANT THE DIVORCE with all of my heart, mind, and soul…
"My father’s mother passed away two days ago and I am here for the funeral with the boys. A week ago I filed divorce papers, and I told AH about it on Sunday. We told the boys last night. They didn’t have any questions or comments to start off with, which is really interesting.
On the drive here from the airport, I let the boys zing spitballs on the dash of the rental car the whole way. We were all giggling. AH would never have allowed it, and would have yelled at DS11 immediately. DS13 didn’t know what to do at first when I said it was a fine way to pass the time, then he finally joined in. I was listening to all sorts of music, including country, which I haven’t been able to listen to in months. I was very serene and happy, almost giddy. Then the thought suddenly came over me…I’m free. I’m free. I’m free. How liberating! How amazing! I tried and fought so long to tether myself to an unhappy soul, who seemed to want nothing more than to separate from me over the last two years. I’m free. Free from the burden of trying to please him, of trying to help him, of making decisions to try to give him happiness. I’m free. It almost took my breath away, this feeling. I didn’t want to be free. I wanted to make it work so badly. I wanted him to want it. But I’m free, and it’s exhilarating, even if I can’t move back home with the boys (we’ll find out over the next few months). I can be happy, the way I’ve always known I am and can be…without trying to adjust it for him."
COD…even reading this today gives me chills. The feeling seriously overtook my body. Like it was breaking free from years of chains it thought it would hold forever and eventually die with…chains I fought so very hard to maintain...
Just food for thought. YOU, as a standalone entity, separate from husband or father, have value. YOU. Just you.
Hugs to you.
I just wanted to say, that as hard as it is to think it, I've thought from the beginning that it isn't just an emotional affair. While it doesn't really matter, similar to Anvil, I've believed it's physical as well.
In my own situation, I questioned my XAH and all the evidence was there to be found, but I believed his words. In the end it all came to light.
My reason for saying this is that denial and belief in your spouse (I would never do that so she wouldn't either) can be so strong that it clouds reality. A great quote from someone on SR that I always remember is "hope clouds observation".
That doesn't matter though.
You're married to a woman who holds back emotional intimacy from you and blames you for the color of the sky. You can't emotionally connect with her even if you wanted to. You may not be willing to throw in the towel yet. I understand the pain you're going through. I was there for a long time.
I want to share this excerpt from my journal that I wrote one week after filing for divorce three years ago (as a last resort). The feelings described here overtook me in a very unexpected way, since I DIDN'T WANT THE DIVORCE with all of my heart, mind, and soul…
"My father’s mother passed away two days ago and I am here for the funeral with the boys. A week ago I filed divorce papers, and I told AH about it on Sunday. We told the boys last night. They didn’t have any questions or comments to start off with, which is really interesting.
On the drive here from the airport, I let the boys zing spitballs on the dash of the rental car the whole way. We were all giggling. AH would never have allowed it, and would have yelled at DS11 immediately. DS13 didn’t know what to do at first when I said it was a fine way to pass the time, then he finally joined in. I was listening to all sorts of music, including country, which I haven’t been able to listen to in months. I was very serene and happy, almost giddy. Then the thought suddenly came over me…I’m free. I’m free. I’m free. How liberating! How amazing! I tried and fought so long to tether myself to an unhappy soul, who seemed to want nothing more than to separate from me over the last two years. I’m free. Free from the burden of trying to please him, of trying to help him, of making decisions to try to give him happiness. I’m free. It almost took my breath away, this feeling. I didn’t want to be free. I wanted to make it work so badly. I wanted him to want it. But I’m free, and it’s exhilarating, even if I can’t move back home with the boys (we’ll find out over the next few months). I can be happy, the way I’ve always known I am and can be…without trying to adjust it for him."
COD…even reading this today gives me chills. The feeling seriously overtook my body. Like it was breaking free from years of chains it thought it would hold forever and eventually die with…chains I fought so very hard to maintain...
Just food for thought. YOU, as a standalone entity, separate from husband or father, have value. YOU. Just you.
Hugs to you.
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Red: I was very much aware of the goings-on between them, and made myself very clear that it was "more than friends", and felt that it was quite inappropriate. Of course, I was totally wrong, in her mind, and that she had it in her mind that it was friendship only. I called BS several times, and was met with scorn. I told her that if he made her happy, then maybe she should go be with him. She told me at one point, "I think he would have been the guy for me, had the timing been different". Translation, "We just built a pretty new house and I don't want to give it up, plus his wife has him by the b*lls right now, and he is choosing her." And yes, I understand about not watering the garde, lest it withers and dies. The whole relationship is withering and dying, quickly.
Oh yes, Anvil, I remember that post - didn't even have to open it up and read it again. Yes, it seems that I am in the "nothing changes if nothing changes" groundhog day of a life, and it sucks.
Yes, she wants attention, she craves attention - she has serious self-esteem issues that arise from her childhood and past relationships. And I have TRIED my damnedest to pump her up, to encourage, to support - but she never listened to me. But some guy comes along who fawns all over her, and suddenly she's the sh!t. And then a bad day comes along and she's whining about something, and I'm being blamed.
Yes, I"m basically checked out, as sad as that is to admit.
I appreciate all your comments, suggestions, and support - I really do. I guess I'm just not ready to take the next step to remove myself, and DS, from this mess. He doesn't see most of it, which is good, but he sees enough, and that's bad.
I'm praying harder than ever for a way, a push, whatever it will take. Being here with you folks has helped me beyond words.
Thanks again!
Oh yes, Anvil, I remember that post - didn't even have to open it up and read it again. Yes, it seems that I am in the "nothing changes if nothing changes" groundhog day of a life, and it sucks.
Yes, she wants attention, she craves attention - she has serious self-esteem issues that arise from her childhood and past relationships. And I have TRIED my damnedest to pump her up, to encourage, to support - but she never listened to me. But some guy comes along who fawns all over her, and suddenly she's the sh!t. And then a bad day comes along and she's whining about something, and I'm being blamed.
Yes, I"m basically checked out, as sad as that is to admit.
I appreciate all your comments, suggestions, and support - I really do. I guess I'm just not ready to take the next step to remove myself, and DS, from this mess. He doesn't see most of it, which is good, but he sees enough, and that's bad.
I'm praying harder than ever for a way, a push, whatever it will take. Being here with you folks has helped me beyond words.
Thanks again!
COD......here is the push that you requested. Get into serious therapy...and, ask the therapist to help you to find a support group, in addition. 
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