Hi again!

Old 07-12-2016, 10:16 AM
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Hi again!

Hi Everyone! I was on here before, I think my un was blossom721 or something. Haven't been on in a while.

Had a question about codependency. I know where I learned it from; my mom. Did anyone else on here learn this behavior from their parents? Has it changed your relationship since realizing it?

I love my mom, and I don't even think she realizes shes doing some of the things, but since being on my own path of recovery from codependency I've noticed some of the ways she attempts to control things. I am in my late 20's and she still lets me know what parts of my life or decisions I have are "wrong." I try to keep it from making me doubt myself but when I try to tell her that its ok if she doesn't agree (I don't want to respond to her by saying one of us is wrong and one of us is right) she just keeps picking until I react.
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Old 07-12-2016, 10:28 AM
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Blossom.....I remember you, well.....
I feel that it is safe to say that the seeds of codependency are always planted in one's early developmental years....LOL...sometimes they are even planted in a greenhouse....
Going even further,,,it is often passed down from generation to generation.....

One way of dealing with it is to do what children have been doing since the beginning.....ignore them and do what they want, anyway......
Of course, this is easier or even possible IF you are no longer dependent on your parents....and not living in their house....waiting for inheritance, etc......

It is not necessary for parents and adult children to agree on everything....but, it is necessary, in my opinion, not to argue with each other about it.....

this is my take on it....and, I know that not everyone will agree with me, either.....

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Old 07-12-2016, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Blossom.....I remember you, well.....
I feel that it is safe to say that the seeds of codependency are always planted in one's early developmental years....LOL...sometimes they are even planted in a greenhouse....
Going even further,,,it is often passed down from generation to generation.....

One way of dealing with it is to do what children have been doing since the beginning.....ignore them and do what they want, anyway......
Of course, this is easier or even possible IF you are no longer dependent on your parents....and not living in their house....waiting for inheritance, etc......

It is not necessary for parents and adult children to agree on everything....but, it is necessary, in my opinion, not to argue with each other about it.....

this is my take on it....and, I know that not everyone will agree with me, either.....

dandylion


Thank you for your reply dandylion! I agree, it does help to not be dependent on them. It was worse when I moved in after i left A but it quieted down a little after my daughter and I moved into our own house. She gets weird about the relationship my daughter and I have with DD's paternal grandmother (paternal grandmother and son do not get along)...I think she gets a little jealous which is ridiculous. thats part of what the current issue is about now.

I'm trying really hard to separate from the drama, but its not easy since its my mom. I really don't want to repeat history with my daughter.
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Old 07-12-2016, 12:07 PM
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Hey Blossom, glad to see you again. Hope you and little Blossom are, well, blossoming. I definitely learned codependency from my mom, and to a lesser extent from my paternal grandmother. Since I no longer have active alcoholism in my life on a daily basis, most of my struggles today involve non-recovering codies- my mom and brother and also my ex's parents and wife.

I've found my Alanon program to be immensely helpful with that. I can be grateful that I'm no longer living my life that way and can enjoy my relationships with different people in the place they're at rather than wishing they would just get with the program and get into recovery for themselves. I even quit sending Alanon literature to my ex's parents!

I still struggle with feeling responsible for and wanting to caretake other people's emotions, and that is a harder struggle for me, one that I'm not sure I'll ever be totally free from, especially in my close relationships. I have to work hard to separate my stuff from other people's stuff and make sure I'm not taking on their emotional burdens.

If you mom is jealous or upset with you and LB's relationship with LB's "other grandma" that's her responsibility. I know how uncomfortable it feels to be in the middle of something like that, but you sound like you're handling a tough situation with grace and dignity. Good for you.
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Old 07-12-2016, 12:27 PM
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Blossom,

I too think I was taught some of my codependent ways from my mother. It's funny though, she's never drank in her life but I see some of her behaviors mimic alcoholic behavior more than codependent. I'm slowly but certainly seeing that they are very, very close. My mother is an ACOA. I have always struggled more with my relationship to her than with my dad.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a speaker at our Al-Anon meeting that had a message that really spoke to me. He was talking about his relationship with his parents. He had a very tough childhood. He found out later in adulthood that one was raised by an alcoholic and another left an orphan at a very young age. They had no idea what a normal functioning family was like. He said that helped him reach a place of forgiveness with them because you can't give something you don't have.

We do our best with what we have and what we know. I think it is important to set boundaries with your mom and of course practice detachment. It has helped me to not take it as personal. You can't give what you don't have. I also realize that I need to work on my recovery program even harder so that hopefully I can be a healthier role model for my daughter.

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Old 07-12-2016, 12:49 PM
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I did not grow up in an alcoholic home.

I did grow up with two parents who I think did grow up in an alcoholic home.

I learned the lesson of co-dependency well (especially from the maternal side who I grew up around). In all honesty I think it is the reason I choose the relationship that got me here.....so I could start this journey of healing.

I am finding the ingrained patterns with my family a harder long-term challenge than the relationship!
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Old 07-13-2016, 07:07 AM
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Thank you for all of your input! I didn't realize how much I learned from my mom when it came to codependency until I had moved back in with her after leaving exABF. I saw even more habits I didn't want to pass down to my daughter.

I think its even harder to detach from a codie than it is from an alcoholic. Especially a parent. I am doing my best, but it seems when I try to not react she just tries harder to get me to. It is easier with not being under the same roof though.
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Old 07-13-2016, 07:13 AM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
Hey Blossom, glad to see you again. Hope you and little Blossom are, well, blossoming. I definitely learned codependency from my mom, and to a lesser extent from my paternal grandmother. Since I no longer have active alcoholism in my life on a daily basis, most of my struggles today involve non-recovering codies- my mom and brother and also my ex's parents and wife.

I've found my Alanon program to be immensely helpful with that. I can be grateful that I'm no longer living my life that way and can enjoy my relationships with different people in the place they're at rather than wishing they would just get with the program and get into recovery for themselves. I even quit sending Alanon literature to my ex's parents!

I still struggle with feeling responsible for and wanting to caretake other people's emotions, and that is a harder struggle for me, one that I'm not sure I'll ever be totally free from, especially in my close relationships. I have to work hard to separate my stuff from other people's stuff and make sure I'm not taking on their emotional burdens.

If you mom is jealous or upset with you and LB's relationship with LB's "other grandma" that's her responsibility. I know how uncomfortable it feels to be in the middle of something like that, but you sound like you're handling a tough situation with grace and dignity. Good for you.
Little blossom and I are doing good, thank you! we are settled into our little house, and my (twin) brother has come to stay with us while he goes through an unexpected divorce. I've actually enjoyed having him there, we haven't lived together since we were 12!

I have learned I can't really discuss the relationship LB and I have with her paternal grandmother to my mom, it just creates problems that aren't necessary.

I hope you are doing well!!
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Old 07-13-2016, 07:24 AM
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Blossom.....lol....grandmothers can be just as jealous over grandchildren as two 6yr. old siblings over who has the biggest slice of cake!!

Good idea not to discuss it! In fact, never even mention or make reference to it if you can help it!

This wouldn't be necessary ...but, in certain situations, it is the practical way to keep the peace.....

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Old 07-13-2016, 08:15 AM
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Hi Blossom! It's good to hear from you and to know you and Little Blossom are doing well!!!

It's good that you are learning boundaries, and who you have to form them with. That's all you can do to be happy and healthy. You have had to learn the hard way, but in doing so, you will break the chain of unhealthy relationships for Little Blossom!

Hugs!
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Old 07-13-2016, 10:00 AM
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That's great. My brother and I are sharing rent and expenses on our place while saving for a down payment on a home. He gets a kick out of being Uncle Scribbler and I'm glad to have a sober, hardworking male role model for the boys (though I do wish he'd try and Al Anon meeting, lol). Glad that's working out for you guys.

My mom is super codependent on top of being severely mentally ill. There are certain conversational landmines that I have to avoid to keep the peace with her, so I get it. And when she demonstrates unacceptable behavior I detach and get some distance. One of those "love the person, hate the disease" situations. I have developed a lot of neutral alternative outlets so I don't feel the need to share those things with her. It's disappointing, yes, I'd love to have that close, cozy mother-daughter relationship, but we have the best relationship we can under the circumstances.

Big hugs to you, LB and Brother Blossom!
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Old 07-13-2016, 10:04 AM
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LOL...."unexpected divorces"......I hate it when that happens!

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Old 07-13-2016, 10:25 AM
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I am not suggesting that you need to do this Blossom to grow.

Part of the reason I don't struggle on a daily basis with my family is that I live 2800 miles away from them. I am not quite ready to move closer yet because I am not sure yet that I would not fall into pitfalls that don't come up this far removed.

You are doing great!
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