sosadandhurt

So this is my problem right now. I am going to start with the fact that I have lived on and off with the ABF for over 8 years. I make it financially on my own and always have. Over the years we have broken up and got back together and usually because I give in and call or text. This last scenario happened 2 weeks ago. His daughter( who he barely tolerates) came in for the weekend. He had not had a relationship with his kids for years because he felt they did him wrong, and I worked to mend the fences with them and help him have them in his life. The daughters only reason for coming was to keep him from going to a baby reveal party for his son and daughter in law. The brother does not speak to the sister at all because of a scene she caused at his house and he called the cops and had her thrown out. Suprisingly the kids do not drink so that had no bearing on the situation. Anyway, I went to the BF house for the weekend as usual and his daughter( that I got along fine with before this) started a big commotion and yelled at me for telling her that she needed to go back to the dr to get checked again and find out what was wrong with her for being so tired. She is 27 and talks about how tired she is all the time. She was doing this to get sympathy from her father because she wants to be the only one that he has contact with. Anyway she yelled at me saying that I was not her mother and not to be telling her what to do and blah, blah, blah. So I looked at the boyfriend and told him I was going home and would talk to him later. That was 2 weeks ago and he has not responded to the 2 texts that I sent him and has not spoken to me or even tried to contact me. What is this all about. Why the silent treatment? What did I do so wrong in telling her to get a second opinion on her health. And why does this hurt me so darn bad. I will say that there is not one single person that knows us and how things have been that thinks I should be with him. Not one person wants me with this man because this is how he has been for 8 years. He has no sympathy or empathy toward any one else and he drinks daily and I mean every day of his life since he was 15 by his own admission. He works full time and manages to keep his job. He doesnt get home until after 7:00 most nights. I just cant seem to get past this. Why does this hurt me so much and why do they do this . Sorry this is so long. I would appreciate any feedback.

Katchie

That's a lot of drama!

I was married for 22 years to a man that never supported me when it came to our sons. One son could threaten me bodily harm and my exah would do nothing. My sons could be disrespectful and he would do nothing. I got tired of it and many other things.

From what you describe I see nothing you did wrong, but the question I have for you is why do you stay? Really, why do you? You're not married, you provide for yourself, you don't have to be in that situation. What are you doing for yourself to find the answers to why you would stay in such a toxic situation? You deserve better!!

sosadandhurt

I don't know why I stay. And the worst part is that when we end up back together, I say to myself, why, why, why. I don't even like him most of the time. But when he is not speaking to me, then I want it back. Ugh, I feel so stupid. He is 50 and I am 52, I keep thinking that maybe he will grow up finally and want to live a normal life and I want to be there if that happens I guess. And I guess I am just like the others here that have said that they don't want to see them treat someone else better.

AnvilheadII

that's a pretty toxic dysfunctional bunch there.

why do you STAY with someone who, in your own words, has NO sympathy or empathy for anyone else AND is a daily drinker. and who had no contact with his own children because HE thought THEY did him wrong. that's pretty messed up.

sounds like now would be a good time to walk away and not look back. you deserve much better.

dandylion

sosadandhurt.......it appears that you have invested yourself into trying to fix this family. So, I believe that you have expected gratitude and positive results.....

You have been playing the role of "rescuer" to both him and the family.....
In the book "CO-dependency No More"....it is explained that the "rescuer" will, eventually. become the "victim". It looks like this is what has happened to you....

Their actions toward you, naturally cause feeling of rejection and grief...which are very painful.....therefor you feel this pain.....

to be honest, it looks like a situation where addiction has created a severly dysfunctional family...way before you were even on the scene.....

You didn't cause it, and you can't fix it---no matter how hard you try or how much you sacrifice.....
I see only pain and disappointment for you......

Why not start going to alanon or sober recovery for your own self and the affects that this has had on you? If you can live with an alcoholic for eight years...going to be with compassionate people who have walked in your shoes looks like a piece of cake! In fact, if you have lived with alcoholism and dysfunction for these years...you are strong enough to do anything!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

doggonecarl

Time to start listening to those people.

atalose

Maybe THIS TIME you are realizing all of those people are right. Maybe THIS TIME you feel that he's sided with his daughter and that makes you feel jealous. Maybe THIS TIME you can't avoid the reality of this toxic relationship that just keeps going in the same circle over and over again. Maybe THIS TIME - YOU need to change, you need to do something different, you need to let go for good.

sosadandhurt

Anvilhead , yes it is disfunctional to say the least. I guess I just feel like this was my doing because I should have just kept my mouth shut. I hate that the blame is on me and somehow I feel like it is. And I hate this sick feeling in my head and stomach.

hopeful4

He is not going to change, accept that. He has shown you who he is, as has his daughter. Believe them.

My DD is 16 years old, very mature for her age. She has an on and off relationship with my X's wife, her step mother. There are times I tell my daughter not to be unreasonable towards the step mother b/c she is not being fair about a situation, and my daughter, out of frustration more so with her father, is taking it out on the wrong person.

I would say that you hit the nail on the head. She was using the tired bit to manipulate, and the last thing she wants is some girlfriend (not to be disrespectful to you, just thinking what she is likely thinking), to come in and try to interfere or mess things up. She likely was not happy you were even there. That's the reality.

Don't try to rationalize behavior of two people who are mentally unhealthy. It won't work.

Instead try to put forth the effort to work on why YOU are making the bad choice to stay in a relationship that is obviously one sided and does not make you happy.

Jaeger

Oh boy....he sounds exactly like my non-alcoholic XH. He has currently cut his/my children out of his life also. It came as no surprise to me because he has systematically cut off just about his entire family. Do yourself a favor and read up on narcissistic people. It took me many years to realize exactly what I was dealing with. Throw alcohol in there and I hate to say it but RUN. Run far, far away. Those people in your life that are telling you this see it but you don't because you are too close to it.

atalose

Blame? Honey this is a blessing. When your hire power removes people from your life to protect you. Don’t run after them.

Katchie

Your intuition, instinct, whatever you want to call it, knows it's not right. Anyone living with an alcoholic as long as you have does crazy things making people do things, accept things that other people with a healthy self perception would never accept. It's not healthy behavior what is going on in your life and how you're responding.

He's 50 and your still waiting for him to grow up?? You're not his momma, but what you are is a strong woman who can provide for herself and not put up with crap like that -- unless that's what you really want for yourself but you deserve so much better!!! You really do!

Al-anon will help you see this pattern in yourself, help you to grow internally stronger so that you can live a happier more peace filled life. It's out there waiting for you and you are worth it.
Hugs to you!

dandylion

sosadand hurt......yes, you have been blamed. The addict and their family will always blame the the enabler...the "fixer"......as I just said, in my other post....
the rescuer will become the victim......

The sick feeling is fear and grief.......and, it is understandable and to be expected.....
It is essential that you reach out for help for yourself.....
alanon and sober recovery would be the most logical...as others probably have gotten burned out, at this point.....

dandylion

sosadandhurt

Thank you all so much. The disfunction that I described is just the tip of the iceberg in this mess. Hopeful4 you are exactly right about it not being me that she was even mad at. I saw that right away. He was not home when she got there and the second thing she said to me when she came in was " I know where yall are going tomorrow, yall are going to (the brothers). This was said in a sassy, snarky way because she was mad about him going. And Jaeger, hes has cut off most of his family because they have said or done something that didnt agree with him. He will go for awhile not speaking to his sister( that raised him) because she is raising his grandaughter from his oldest daughter that has been in prison numerous times for drugs( he blames his ex wife for the daughter doing drugs). His sister adopted her and he cant be civil to her when the other daughter brings the other grandkids(from the same daughter that was in prison, she has 4 altogether). The same daughter that caused this mess talks bad about His sister so he gives her the silent treatment and wont have anything to do with the granddaughter that lives in the same city, just down the street because of the mess the daughter causes. He cant seem to see this!!!! Anyway that is why I was finally so irritated that evening and I am sure I came off as being bithchy when I told her to go back to the dr. But why the silent treatment!!! I dont get that part! At least be decent enough to say, hey, I dont want anything to do with you because you pissed my daughter off!!

hopeful4

Silent part may be his daughter forcing him to say things he does not want to say, and him not wanting to do so, so he is avoiding all together. Just a guess.

sosadandhurt

Hopeful4, I would hope that is the case, but I have had a gut feeling that there may be someone else on the sidelines for awhile. We live in a very small community and believe me nothing is secret in this town. I havent heard anything that would prove me right and it could be my own insecurities that make me feel this. I have often said that I wished I had listened to my mother when I was younger. She asked me not to go back with him. My mother is a very quiet sweet person who never says anything bad about anyone, so I am really thinking she is right. And maybe I should listen to her for once!!!!

AnvilheadII

get yourself out of the madness and in six months you will have an entirely different view about the world and your place in it.

i know you said he's 50 and you keep hoping HE will grow up.....and that you are 52......maybe you too still have some growing up to do? get past all this high school, he said, she said, he did then she did, nonsense. just extricate yourself from the insanity. because you deserve so much more than this!

sosadandhurt

Anvilhead, you are right!!!!!!I have a son getting married next month and that is where my head needs to be!!!!!! Not on this mess!!!!