tigerlily1

Have not posted for abit as have been immersed in unpacking and getting settled in my condo. I have been sleeping here since June 20. I have to maintain a relationship with my AH for business purposes. When he is drinking hard I block him on my phone and stay away. He has been on a binge for days. Today he was out of line at the job site in his behaviour. They told him to leave and take some time off till he gets his head straight. I am sure there has been more then today's incident and I am sure they are aware he has been drinking often at work. So he has decided to leave tomorrow with our fifth wheel and go stay out at a ranch with a Pastor friend and of course says he's not drinking anymore. Going to get his act together etc. We all know it takes hard work and a very long time to achieve that. We both are very unhealthy and a mess. Looking for suggestions on keeping my boundary in place for the relationship without causing problems. I guess I am trying to be supportive some what but at the same time do not want to give mixed signals. We still need to have contact not daily but certainly a couple times a week for the business. If anybody has any suggestions I would appreciate hearing them. Thanks so much!

caretaker88

Hi TL,

It seems to me that since he is being forced to "take a break" from the job site, that you can with him as well. He is going to a ranch with his Pastor friend, so basically, you don't need to have contact with him. Handle business as usual and when he comes back from his "break", you can have all of the business information he needs to get up to speed in a document. Make it just about the business. Just as he needs to take a break to concentrate on healing himself, so do you. You work on your own recovery and let him work on his. You only need to contact him if there is a question about some aspect of the business, and make it clear that this is your reason for calling him at the very beginning of the call. When he tries to talk personally to you, just tell him you are very busy, hope he is doing well and that you are unable to talk to him and that you can talk when he is back.

I guess I don't have very good insight as I do not know your role in the business, but I guess if I were in your shoes, I would keep it strictly business for the time being. Just my thoughts.

Katchie

What you're doing here is very good boundary keeping. Then, what was said above is right on!

When I separated from my now exah, I did the same thing. Everything was kept to talking about the kids and plans regarding them. If it ever strayed from that and became personal the conversation was over. It's the same today. My divorce was finalized in October and the last personal text I received I didn't respond to. He finally got the hint, at least for now.

tigerlily1

Thanks Caretaker and Katchie! Yes I agree that any contact should be kept to a minimal. I will continue to block and avoid contact when any drinking is happening period!! I do find it hard not to be somewhat supportive right now when he is attempting to do something re his situation. He is still getting ready to leave town apparently so we will see if it really does happen later today. I know this because my son phoned from camp and said he had called to ask him questions re hooking up the fifth wheel etc.

hopeful4

It sounds to me like you have some pretty good boundaries in place. You block him when he is drinking. You live elsewhere.

There is a big difference between encouraging and enabling. And even when you do encourage, don't make any promises yourself. In other words, do your thing, let him do his.

Katchie

For me I finally came to the conclusion that my keeping contact to a minimum and allowing him to fully feel the consequences of his decisions WAS and IS being supportive of his recovering. Everything else I had done did nothing but enable and/or drive me more insane and everything stayed the same. It stunk and still stinks to know that all of my efforts to change him didn't make a dent! So far my divorcing him hasn't either, but it's still the best gift I could have given him even if he can't see it yet. ...maybe he never will.

tigerlily1

Thanks hopeful and Katchie for your thoughts. Here it is the end of the second day after being sent home from work and he has not left to "get his head together"!! He is far to drunk to go anywhere. Can't believe I was suckered again into thinking this might be the thing that makes him seek help. Consequences of his drinking are all around him from me moving out to being asked to take a leave from his job. Apparently my boundaries emotionally are not strong enough. I admit to you all that I AGAIN thought maybe this was the time he might attempt to start recovery. Just feeling sad and realizing I have a lot more work to do on me!!

Katchie

Please don't beat yourself up...I've been there done that. As you work on yourself you will start to see the bigger picture and start healing little by little. It's a journey but well worth it for your health and sanity. Be good to yourself! Think about what you can do for you, something you love that maybe you haven't done in a while. Take a friend maybe! Hugs, you really are doing a good job!