DarkCloudOverMe

Here is my story... I have been married close to 17 years. Have 2 teenagers. My husband was NOT an alcoholic when we got married. Over the past 5 years he has been binge drinking. Not often but when he did it was bad.

Over the past couple years it has gotten bad. The hiding of bottles etc. last month he was drinking whiskey and hiding the empty bottle.

We went to a concert where he was supposed to be the DD, I noticed after he said he only had 1 beer he was extremely messed up. I found out he downed Vodka he had hidden in the house before we left (and drove us there).

So now yesterday we went to a cookout. He said he was only drinking water. He did have a beer or 2. Then all the sudden he was just acting strange. We left. He drive because there was no way he had more than those 2 beers and I had too many drinks. I realized halfway home he was wasted. We get home he can barely stand up, I was furious. He said he was drinking the vodka out if the bottle when everyone was outside. He could have killed us.

So I make him sleep on the couch. I kept hearing the front door open and realize he was so drunk he was peeing outside. I don't even know what to do anymore.

All this time he has been going to AA meetings, today he went to 3 meetings and just telling me it is a disease and I have to deal with his disease.

I have no one to talk to about this. If you looked at my Facebook, Instagram etc you would think we were a perfect family. I live this hidden life. I am shielding my kids from seeing any of this.

I don't know what I have done in my life to deserve a husband like this. He looks like a homeless man when he is drunk because he gets that wasted. And last night the using the bathroom outside was the last straw.

I hate that I cannot go have a few drinks w my friends because he can't control himself.

I hate what has become my life.

SmallButMighty

I have walked a million miles in your shoes.

I ended a 26yr relationship (22 married) when I could no longer put up with his lies, deceptions and broken promises any longer.

Love isn't supposed to hurt like that.

I hope you find the peace and calm you deserve in this life.

*hugs*

Bekindalways

A belated welcome to SR Darkcloud. I am so very glad you found us. I hope you find this site supportive.

Have you been able to find an Alanon meeting? It is a good place to start. Also most of us read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

The disease paradigm for alcoholism is helpful for many alcoholics. However, he is way off base using it as a reason you have to put up with his drinking.

As much as possible allow him to suffer all the consequences of his alcoholism and take care of yourself. Also, as you have probably figured out, don't let him be the DD - irk!

cairn

You needn't be alone, alcoholism is more prevalent behind the curtains than folks let on. It is what it is.

This is old but started alanon almost 100 years ago. If you might confide in certain folks here and there, you may find ways to help explain to the kids, decide what to do, etc.

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf

Before them it was the Washingtonians, before them the Pledge.....alcoholism is rampant enough to start whole social movements. Some of our tragedies get turned around, some don't. Your husband is very, very ill. Some just like him make startling recoveries. Maybe the families of those meeting AAs would spend time with you.

LeeJane

Sorry you are in this position, attending Al-anon was a life saver for me. Their program taught me how to look after myself and be happy regardless what the alcoholic in my life was doing.

You can't cope with this on your own. Alcoholism overwhelms both the person drinking and those in contact with them.

honeypig

Hi, DarkCloud--glad you found us here at SR. I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page; they are a wealth of information. As others have mentioned, Alanon can be a good source of support and education also.

I did notice something in your post that raised a red flag for me--you mention that you resent the fact that you can't have "a few drinks" w/your friends b/c "AH can't control himself." However, you also mention that he was the designated driver on 2 occasions, and on at least one of those occasions, you yourself couldn't drive b/c you had too much to drink. I wonder if there is more going on here than meets the eye?

Are you angry b/c you think he drinks too much and it's affecting your life together or are you angry b/c he doesn't remain sober enough to allow you to drink too much? I don't mean to be harsh, but from this post, it seems as if both of you might have problems with alcohol...and certainly you wouldn't be the first person to come here in that situation. We have a good number of "double winners"!

Regardless, coming here is a good first step and I hope you begin to find your way towards an answer.

DarkCloudOverMe

I never drink alone or at home. I only drink at social settings like a concert or at a cookout. So if I have 3 beers that is too much for me to drive home safely. I feel there is a difference between a person having a couple beers than a person doing shots behind closed doors or hiding bottles around the house.

DarkCloudOverMe

Thank you, I went to 2 different Al Anon meetings but the first one seemed more like a social event where the members were just talking about what they did that weekend and never talked about anything I thought they would.

I need to go back.... I just feel like this is a dirty little secret but he is getting so bad. His brother is a alcoholic and has been hospitalized several times because of it. He just thinks he is better than him because he is a working professional.

honeypig

Two things that I found helpful to know about Alanon were these:

1) It can take several tries to find a group that's a good fit. I've only been to one meeting that I felt was completely useless, but the flavor of various groups can be very different. IMHO, it's well worth the effort to search out the one that fits. Some people like Celebrate Recovery, and perhaps that's worth checking into for you, too.

2) Oftentimes people have inaccurate expectations about Alanon--they may think there will be a lot of talk about people's A's, how to "fix" them, etc. It certainly took a while for me to understand how all the talk, seemingly unrelated to alcoholics or drinking or fixing them, applied to me or my situation. Taking a look at the main Alanon site here http://al-anon.org/ can be very helpful in understanding how Alanon works, as can getting your hands on some Alanon literature and reading thru it. Many libraries have at least some Alanon books, and Amazon has a wide selection of Alanon literature available. The used books are very reasonably priced; the ones I've bought from Amazon have been in great shape.

Hope there's some useful info for you there.

TimeForMe

Welcome Dark Cloud - I have found this forum very helpful. I mostly lurk but reading through people's stories and advice has brought me much support.

Your story rang very close to home for me. It got to the point that we would only go out to eat because STBXAH *expected* he'd be too drunk to drive. So then I would drive (and not drink). Then it got so bad (that homeless, peeing outside state) that I didn't want to go to restaurants because he would get so intoxicated. He is also a "working professional" so didn't really think it was that much of a problem.

Hugs to you.

DarkCloudOverMe

Yep he can't even go to a restaurant and order water or a soda he has to order beer and a couple.

We have a family cruise booked this fall and he told me his plan is to stay sober till then so he can drink on vacation. I am not looking forward to the trip.

atalose

His drinking has absolutely nothing to do with you or anything you have done or said. His drinking isn’t a punishment for you, its alcoholism. And it’s nothing that you cause or can cure or control.

When it comes to al-anon the thing to remember is that you are NOT there for the alcoholic you are there because of the alcoholic. The program is for you, it helps you to focus on you and healthier ways to cope with your situation.

I would also suggest you research and read as much as you can about alcoholism and alcoholic behaviors.
And don’t be surprised if your kids already know what is going on.

ardy

Hi DarkCloud... you scream howl and stamp here. for all of us have had this event in our lives or have it now yet.... fall cruise and he is staying sober until then hey.. ok lady have some fun every time he is going to drink say well guess the holiday is cancelled. right.. and you stay off the stuff too. clean house every bottle out out out.. and watch you are on that boat. he has a drink and will be sick as a DOG .. hahahhahahah sorry some of me wishes my hubby was a drinker and I could do this.. he has problems with morphine and his brain now.. like most men .. he does not think.. good luck kiddo so glad you found all of us here... prayers and love ardy

totfit

I really have but little to offer. I would if I were you remind him though, that the reality is that the "disease" is his and he has to deal with it. You don't have to.

gettingstronger

Oh my goodness. I feel so badly for you.

If I were you, I'd think twice about that cruise coming up. You will be trapped there, for the duration, with a miserable drunken idiot.

What would happen if you just assumed he would be too drunk to ever drive you anywhere, and you always made alternate plans for how to get home? You go to a cook-out, and if you have a couple of drinks, then you plan on leaving your car there, and you call a cab. What he does or doesn't do, should no longer be part of your plans for transportation. And if you don't want to be a tea-totaller, then you make plans, as if you had gone there on your own, and had to call a cab or sober friend for a ride. It doesn't mean that it's okay with you that he's a drunken fool. It's simply being realistic, and responsible for your own self.

I'm glad you came here. You'll find so many of us, are or have been, right where you are right now. You're not alone in this.

schnappi99

No flipping way I'd go on a cruise with an active alcoholic, particularly if I have to be in the same stateroom, or be involved with the drinking- which can get <real> on a cruise- if nothing else the bar tab is likely to be considerable. I sure wouldn't want kids around to witness it either.

Making a deal where he doesn't drink now so he can drink then is just lame - it suggests the intensity with which he wants to get it on and he's probably blaming you for all the trouble anyway.

Personally I would forfeit my ticket and feel ahead of the game.

DarkCloudOverMe

I am just so confused right now.... It is just within the past 45 days that things have gotten bad. He drinks randomly and when he does it is just bad. The thing is we have a good life, nice house, great jobs etc. I just don't get it.


If we cxl our trip now we lose all the money, no refunds at this stage in the game. Sigh I just don't know what to do.

I have bought a breathalyzer for home and he has promised to do it daily. He is going to go to 5 AA meetings a week (opposed to his 1 he was going to).

I also told him the next time he does drive drunk I will not be in the car but I will call the police and he will go to jail and I won't bail him out.

All of those I am committed to.

Missus

As pointed out above, it is *his* disease, and it is his responsibility to do something about it. The analogy often used is diabetes - if his disease was diabetes, he would be doing something about it - watching his diet, checking his levels and so on (sure, you would probably take some of it on, but not all). Just because the disease is alcoholism doesn't take the responsibility away from him and put it on you.

schnappi99

Early in post-discovery period is really tough. I'd urge you to try some alanon meetings, lots of folks there have been in your shoes. Demanding behavior out of him, testing etc will certainly drive you crazy and its not likely to stop him drinking.

When I first started going to alanon I noticed they all kept talking about "serenity" which seemed weird to me because I knew I was right about the problem and what I needed to be doing and what she needed to be doing. I knew I was right and I felt like c@*p. What they taught me was that my fear and anger and frustration and pain were for me to deal with, and I could create more or I could take action to reduce it. The effect of the work kind of surprised me- the place where the anger and fear were kind of calmed down and stayed calm if I did the steps as per the program. And when that place was calm, then I could be too... that is what serenity meant for me. I didn't care a whit about it before but man once I could start to set down all that painful baggage and started feeling better, I want it <a lot> now. Thats why I said I'd skip going, forfeit the ticket or whatever and feel ahead of the game- to NOT be engaged with active addiction and the related drama is the vacation. Sure, I'd love to go on a nice cruise, dress up for dinner, have a civilized nightcap in a fancy bar- but with an alcoholic, its not going to happen like that and it is my business to keep myself out of that kind of dynamic. Maybe let him go on the cruise if he wants to, you stay home with the kids, because you and the kidns don't want to be around him drinking.

honeypig

But his fines, legal fees, etc., will likely come from the family's financial resources, right? And likely your insurance will rise drastically also. You may want to check on how a DUI for him will also affect you (don't think you said you had kids?) and if there is a way for you to separate yourself from HIS consequences.

I also called the cops on XAH when he left in his truck, drunk. The cops never did find him, but someone here mentioned those same things to me. I appreciated it b/c I had NOT considered the effect on me--and that was another reason for me to finalize the divorce.