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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DarkCloudOverMe.......concerning the cruise....the money is already gone--if you go on the cruise or if you don't go....
So, the decision, remaining is---which situation will render you more miserable and disappointed. Remembering...that it is not what happens, so much, as what you EXPECT or want, that leaves a person so disappointed.....
He will be drinking on the cruise...he is planning it and looking forward to it....and, you can be assured that he is not taking your feelings about it into consideration.....
I wonder if you worry about him making you the "bad guy" for not going...and facing his accusations of you being a spoiler of vacations...for rocking the boat (so to speak).....
The need to pacify him and be the fixer or the peacemaker...
To me, the idea of being locked in a confined area with a drinking alcoholic sounds like a nightmare......I would be tempted to swim to shore....lol....
dandylion
So, the decision, remaining is---which situation will render you more miserable and disappointed. Remembering...that it is not what happens, so much, as what you EXPECT or want, that leaves a person so disappointed.....
He will be drinking on the cruise...he is planning it and looking forward to it....and, you can be assured that he is not taking your feelings about it into consideration.....
I wonder if you worry about him making you the "bad guy" for not going...and facing his accusations of you being a spoiler of vacations...for rocking the boat (so to speak).....
The need to pacify him and be the fixer or the peacemaker...
To me, the idea of being locked in a confined area with a drinking alcoholic sounds like a nightmare......I would be tempted to swim to shore....lol....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 8
Hi- one of my first Al Anon meetings used to close each time with- 'keep coming back- it works when you work it and you work coz you're worth it' - alcoholism truly is cunning and baffling in my experience and despite my best efforts!!! I was and still am powerless over it! I didn't ever think I would say that!! Take care
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 138
I never drink alone or at home. I only drink at social settings like a concert or at a cookout. So if I have 3 beers that is too much for me to drive home safely. I feel there is a difference between a person having a couple beers than a person doing shots behind closed doors or hiding bottles around the house.
Only some of us get ourselves manhandled right out of the beer gardens
Plenty of other people on a cruise to mingle with, while hubby sleeps it off wherever they put him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Indiana
Posts: 12
Regarding the cruise, I talked to him last night and basically if he fails the breathalyzer than he will not be going with us. I will cancel his portion and me and the kids will still go.
We have a ton of work to do and everything is so raw. I am so lost right now and just trying to figure things out. Like I said the past 30-45 days have been hell. I will not drink around him either and we will not go to any social events with alcohol.
We have a ton of work to do and everything is so raw. I am so lost right now and just trying to figure things out. Like I said the past 30-45 days have been hell. I will not drink around him either and we will not go to any social events with alcohol.
Last edited by DarkCloudOverMe; 07-12-2016 at 09:50 AM. Reason: Mispelling
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DarkcloudOver Me.....even if he blows zero before boarding the ship....how are you going to keep him from drinking in a cruise environment?
A cruise...even a family cruise....is like Las Vegas in terms o f temptation for an alcoholic.....
There are usually AA or sobriety groups that have meetings on cruises...if he is so motivated....You m ight contact the management, ahead of time, and get the possible schedules.....
Maybe, you all could hang with only the sober people on board,,,,?
dandylion
A cruise...even a family cruise....is like Las Vegas in terms o f temptation for an alcoholic.....
There are usually AA or sobriety groups that have meetings on cruises...if he is so motivated....You m ight contact the management, ahead of time, and get the possible schedules.....
Maybe, you all could hang with only the sober people on board,,,,?
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Indiana
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by dandylion 
DarkcloudOver Me.....even if he blows zero before boarding the ship....how are you going to keep him from drinking in a cruise environment?
A cruise...even a family cruise....is like Las Vegas in terms o f temptation for an alcoholic.....
There are usually AA or sobriety groups that have meetings on cruises...if he is so motivated....You m ight contact the management, ahead of time, and get the possible schedules.....
Maybe, you all could hang with only the sober people on board,,,,?
dandylion
A cruise...even a family cruise....is like Las Vegas in terms o f temptation for an alcoholic.....
There are usually AA or sobriety groups that have meetings on cruises...if he is so motivated....You m ight contact the management, ahead of time, and get the possible schedules.....
Maybe, you all could hang with only the sober people on board,,,,?
dandylion
I am trying to focus on keeping myself together, keeping the house running, getting my kids ready to go back to school, working a full time job all while he is now at AA meetings every night. And yes I do check the iPhone liar ion finder because I don't trust that is where he really went.
This is the first real time off the rails for us and I know many of you have been through this before. So I am just trying to be there but not put up with the BS either. Like I said before I never pictured myself in this situation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Like I said before I never pictured myself in this situation.
Your story is not the first I've read where the non-A bought a breathalyzer and has become the A's "keeper." I have yet to see a story where this actually succeeded. As far as the AA meetings, XAH attended AA meetings regularly for the last few years and still does, so far as I know. He even held elected office in his home group for a year. But he never ever stopped drinking. And still hasn't. I'm not trashing AA, by no means--I'm just saying that sitting in a meeting does not mean he is sober/recovering any more than sitting in the garage makes him a car, and it's good to bear this in mind.
I know you say you have no problems w/alcohol, and you name the reasons why you don't. However, I can't help but feel a disconnect between you yourself wanting to drink too much to drive safely and you wanting AH to remain sober enough to drive you home. How do you explain to him that it's OK for you to drink past the legal limit for driving but it's NOT OK for him? Is there a certain BAC level where you find it unacceptable? I understand you don't want him blotto, staggering drunk, etc. But what are the limits for you? Who makes that decision? You've said you like to have "a few drinks." Holy cow, every single A in the world will give the same answer if asked how much they've had--"a few drinks"! Even when they are knee-walking, commode-hugging drunk!
I guess that sounds pretty accusatory, and in light of that, I hope you've read this far. It's just that I do see red flags in your posts, disconnects, things that sound as if you are completely unwilling to own any part in the dysfunction (and I do not mean you caused his drinking). All your focus seems to be on changing him, controlling him, and man, that is not the answer. You're only in for continued pain, anger and frustration if you head down that road.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Indiana
Posts: 12
Wow I didn't think I would come here and have to defend my couple beers at a party once a month drinks but I guess I do.
Many of you have picked up and left you spouses or boyfriends and I applause you for that. But I cannot say after this many years of marriage and 2 kids that I am prepared to do that. This all went down Saturday and I am still trying to process what to feel and how to go about getting through this without destroying my life in the process.
I am not trying to "control" him I am trying to make sure he is staying sober. By all means if he wants to binge drink he can feel free to do it but it certainly will not be at our house in front of the kids. They are my main concern.
So yes if anyone else has a better solution I would love to hear it but I dont think my 3 beers a month is anywhere near a solution.
Many of you have picked up and left you spouses or boyfriends and I applause you for that. But I cannot say after this many years of marriage and 2 kids that I am prepared to do that. This all went down Saturday and I am still trying to process what to feel and how to go about getting through this without destroying my life in the process.
I am not trying to "control" him I am trying to make sure he is staying sober. By all means if he wants to binge drink he can feel free to do it but it certainly will not be at our house in front of the kids. They are my main concern.
So yes if anyone else has a better solution I would love to hear it but I dont think my 3 beers a month is anywhere near a solution.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I definitely don't think you need to worry about having a couple of beers yourself, and I don't feel that is the issue here. Now, it may be an issue for your husband, and I would guess it is. That is something you have to work out for yourself and your own relationship. I did not drink in front of my XAH ever, but it was my choice in trying to set a good example to him and my kids. Others here drink or drank in front of their qualifier always, and it never mattered. It truly does depend on the situation.
I think what you have said is a healthy boundary for YOU and your children, and I applaud you on that. If he binge drinks he can, but not around you or your children. So take it one step farther, and make a plan. If that happens, what will your next step be? For myself for a long time, I picked up my kids and left the house. That got old. Then I made him leave, which was better. His sister would pick him up, and then he could return when sober. That got pretty old too, but it worked better. Eventually he would lie, and try not to leave. That is where the rubber hit the road. He did eventually become abusive b/c he would not leave, and I kicked him out that day. However, this went on many years before I kicked him out and divorced him.
No one here can tell you what to do. I can agree that breathalyzer may make you feel more in control. It may help for a while. Eventually, he may fail. Have a plan for when and if that happens.
This is your life, and your family, and your solutions that have to be done on your own time. I had a perfect looking little family as well. It was a huge secret that made me miserable over time. I was married for 15 years, together for 18, with two kids. I do understand, as do many others here.
My best advise is to do these things.
Seek face to face support through Alanon or Celebrate Recovery.
See a counselor who helps families with addiction. Just you. Alone. That way no matter what happens you are strong enough and in good enough mental place to handle it.
Keep posting here at SR. Take what helps, and leave the rest. There is great support here. Remember, it's sometimes hard to convey what you mean through words alone, so don't be offended if possible, it does not help.
Lastly, plan for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
Hugs to you. I say all of this gently because I know you are hurting and scared.
I think what you have said is a healthy boundary for YOU and your children, and I applaud you on that. If he binge drinks he can, but not around you or your children. So take it one step farther, and make a plan. If that happens, what will your next step be? For myself for a long time, I picked up my kids and left the house. That got old. Then I made him leave, which was better. His sister would pick him up, and then he could return when sober. That got pretty old too, but it worked better. Eventually he would lie, and try not to leave. That is where the rubber hit the road. He did eventually become abusive b/c he would not leave, and I kicked him out that day. However, this went on many years before I kicked him out and divorced him.
No one here can tell you what to do. I can agree that breathalyzer may make you feel more in control. It may help for a while. Eventually, he may fail. Have a plan for when and if that happens.
This is your life, and your family, and your solutions that have to be done on your own time. I had a perfect looking little family as well. It was a huge secret that made me miserable over time. I was married for 15 years, together for 18, with two kids. I do understand, as do many others here.
My best advise is to do these things.
Seek face to face support through Alanon or Celebrate Recovery.
See a counselor who helps families with addiction. Just you. Alone. That way no matter what happens you are strong enough and in good enough mental place to handle it.
Keep posting here at SR. Take what helps, and leave the rest. There is great support here. Remember, it's sometimes hard to convey what you mean through words alone, so don't be offended if possible, it does not help.
Lastly, plan for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
Hugs to you. I say all of this gently because I know you are hurting and scared.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 138
Well you sound reasonable and fair minded. Often when we try to avoid drinking we end up with worse crazy sprees than ever. I suppose the cruise thing will make itself clear when the time comes. Do the kids have an uncle or cousin or friend that might like to go instead of dad?
Good you aren't trying to control his drinking or arrange his affairs to avoid alcohol. Doomed to fail. Best to sit down with the kids some time and explain what you have learned about normal drinking vs abnormal, so the dad antics may not disturb them so much. They have feelers out all the time, they notice stuff...
The AA message can take much time and hard knocks to penetrate. Did he start going there on his own? Have you had a look at their book to see what it's about? Hard swallow.
I drank the whole thing over for a long time. Coming to my own conclusion, i am now free of it, and continually amazed by the new basis of living proposed, and how godawful hard i made life before, forever trying to rearrange conditions inner and outer to feel happy and secure, like a maddened life scientist. Drink problem has now vanished, but each of us has our own walk through this life, and life is gonna do what life is gonna do!
Just keep doing what seems best! When we set hopes too high on alcoholics we usually get let down. He may even pull a Jimmy Buffet in the Carrib, disembarking, never to be seen again...who knows. Barleycorn is weird that way, for us.
Good you aren't trying to control his drinking or arrange his affairs to avoid alcohol. Doomed to fail. Best to sit down with the kids some time and explain what you have learned about normal drinking vs abnormal, so the dad antics may not disturb them so much. They have feelers out all the time, they notice stuff...
The AA message can take much time and hard knocks to penetrate. Did he start going there on his own? Have you had a look at their book to see what it's about? Hard swallow.
I drank the whole thing over for a long time. Coming to my own conclusion, i am now free of it, and continually amazed by the new basis of living proposed, and how godawful hard i made life before, forever trying to rearrange conditions inner and outer to feel happy and secure, like a maddened life scientist. Drink problem has now vanished, but each of us has our own walk through this life, and life is gonna do what life is gonna do!
Just keep doing what seems best! When we set hopes too high on alcoholics we usually get let down. He may even pull a Jimmy Buffet in the Carrib, disembarking, never to be seen again...who knows. Barleycorn is weird that way, for us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I do remember being out to dinner enjoying my glass of wine, only to realize that the ex alcoholic was hammered. Not a little tipsy, rip roaring wasted. This was the beginning of the end, I certainly had zero desire to "babysit" an adult man, yet I did continue to "babysit" for probably another year or so.
Oh course he was always sorry, of course this wasn't going to happen again, until the day arrived that he was no longer sorry, and he was actually getting plastered two, or three times a day. ( he would sleep it off, and start again).
All I can offer, best to concentrate on you and the kids. Educate yourself, understanding this disease will help you to cope. It's so easy to get pulled down that dark hole of addiction. If he is serious about turning his life around, his actions will tell you. Words are meaningless.
I couldn't help shake my head in reference to him peeing outside, better they pee outside than in your bed, or on your new rug, I never did figure out if he burnt the rug first and then pee'd on it or vice versa. But we all reach the point of unacceptable, is unacceptable, leaving us wondering what next?
Take care .
Oh course he was always sorry, of course this wasn't going to happen again, until the day arrived that he was no longer sorry, and he was actually getting plastered two, or three times a day. ( he would sleep it off, and start again).
All I can offer, best to concentrate on you and the kids. Educate yourself, understanding this disease will help you to cope. It's so easy to get pulled down that dark hole of addiction. If he is serious about turning his life around, his actions will tell you. Words are meaningless.
I couldn't help shake my head in reference to him peeing outside, better they pee outside than in your bed, or on your new rug, I never did figure out if he burnt the rug first and then pee'd on it or vice versa. But we all reach the point of unacceptable, is unacceptable, leaving us wondering what next?
Take care .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 30
Dark Cloud
Hi Dark Cloud i hope he keeps up with the meetings .I went on a cruise with my Husband for a week a few years ago it was awful he says he wasnt drinking he borrowed a hundred dollars unbeknownst to me from my teenage son said after the cruise that he used it to gamble some days he acted horrible sure those times he got something from bar.My two boys shared a room and my daughter and i had a room so i think he would go to bar drink then pay the tab so it was clear end of cruise. I did not enjoy much of the cruise and sadly i spent a lot of money on excursions that i would not have if i hadnt been unhappy because he was so off. I hope he improves i have learnt that an Alcoholic will find a way to get what he needs any way possible.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Hi DCOM, it sounds like you have some damn good reasons to have that dark cloud over you - ARGH.
I so hope you are learning about relationships with alcoholics and finding support. I can't remember if you said you had tried an Alanon meeting. I actually didn't go that route but I know it has been a life saver for many.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.
I so hope you are learning about relationships with alcoholics and finding support. I can't remember if you said you had tried an Alanon meeting. I actually didn't go that route but I know it has been a life saver for many.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.
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