Flavia2

DD (college student) is living at home and it's not just for summer -- says she wants to commute to school. We pay for her college costs, etc...

She has a boyfriend who lives at school in an apartment and she sleeps there all the time. At first I told her that i didn't want her there overnight, but she said forget it I"ll move out and not take money for college.

I really want her to graduate on time and without debt so I told her I don't agree with her spending the night there but OK because if my choice was her moving/dropping out then that was worse.

Was it controlling for me to ask her to be home at night? I just don't know anymore. DD and. I are going out to dinner tonight and I don"t really want to - I feel angry that she's been at his place all weekend.

I want to have a healthy relationship with my daughter! Please help.

Thomas45

Well, your daughter is essentially a young adult now and is legally capable of being responsible for herself. I understand your desire for a healthy relationship with your daughter, but keep in mind that your daughter wants a relationship with her boyfriend as well, and she is her own person.

A boundary is not a rule that you make for somebody else to follow. A boundary is something that you are willing to accept in your life, where you make the necessary adjustments to your mode of living if something is unacceptable to you.

dandylion

Flavia.....I will give you my opinion on this.....it is j ust my opinion, so I hope you can take it in that spirit.....

I think that young lady is blackmailing you..because she knows what your dream for her is.....
She knows which buttons to push to get y ou to accommodate her.
Personally, I would tell her that you will pay for her tuition and books (if you are willing and can afford to)....but, if she doesn't want to conform to the standards that you set for the family home...she is free to live wherever she wants (besides your house)..and can get a job to pay for the rent. And, she can pay for her other expenses.....like food, transportation, etc.

You don't sound controlling---quite the contrary....SHE sounds controlling of you and entitled...and, a bit spoiled. I don't care if she makes straight A's!!

college time is about more than just studying in classes..it is a time to learn responsibility, self discipline and ordering of values and priorities.
It is a time to learn independence and that we have to work and sacrifice for the things that we want in this life.

I would be concerned about the importance of family and your family home. It must be respected....and, anyone living under the roof and partaking of privileges is obligated to respect the rules. It is not a hotel or an occasional flop house to take what is convenient at her whims.
If she is old enough to sleep with the boyfriend in his apartment...then she can cook and eat there and she can pay her share of the rent..and wash her clothes there, etc. In other words...independent living.

She is wanting to have her cake...and eat it to.
this is a perfect opportunity to having a teaching moment.

As a parent...you are primarily a TEACHER...you teach the little bird about responsibility and prepare them for living in the "real" world.

If she gets P***** about it.....well. that is beside the point....

that, basically, is how I look at it, flavia.....

dandylion

Flavia2

Thanks, Dandy. I agree with you - she is spoiled and entitled which I chalk up to being in a very unhealthy relationship with me and my inability to enforce boundaries.

I should have posted here earlier to get advice (I spoke to my AH about it but of course his advice was to let her do what she wants!) and you are right, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I can pay for her school and books but let her work for the rest.

I am just worried she will move in with him but it seems she already has!

dandylion

Flavia....as a mother, I completely understand what you are talking about.
At her age, there is probably nothing you can do about that (in today's culture)...
But you sure as hell can enforce your boundaries.....

we might as well talk about the other looming issue--that of effective birth control.
You can't trust a college boy as far as you can throw them with condoms.
Birth control is a female's responsibility to herself.....

sorry, flavia...this is a really tough time for parents!!!!!!!!

dandylion