Saint Francis

Been a while since posting again. I had been good at detaching from estranged (over a year) AH until late April when hospital ER called me about AH being unconscious for 2 days and being taken by ambulance. He was in ICU for a week for rhabdomyolysis (kidney failure) and of course, DT's. They, the hospital, kept trying to get me to be involved again even after my explanations. They were looking for more $$$ beyond Medicare. And then the nursing home for weeks until last week. They also wanted me in the middle and responsible. I figured out a month ago that he was getting alcohol by going to store across the street in a wheel chair and drunk buddy smuggling it in. Staff said I was wrong, but I knew. Ever since, staff and AH never spoke to me again (Hippa) because AH knew I was onto him. Nobody even let me know he was released.

Then this Friday after he had been at his home for a week, Landlady tries to get me in the middle saying there was an ambulance and deputy at his home. Home Health called it in. Then sheriff deputy calls me and tries to get me involved saying I should look into Marchman Act to commit him to rehab. After over 7 previous attempts at rehab or detox, how would this be any different? If I did, I would do all this work when I'm trying to stay out of it except for minimum of support and medical advocacy (no family or friends to help). I asked deputy why I would do that when after every other time he detoxed for weeks, he immediately goes back to drinking. And if they thought he needed help, they could Baker Act him or call DCF. They said his health state didn't rise to that level. (But it did last summer when DCF investigated me for not taking care of him.)

Grrr. I'm so outraged at the system and all of these professionals totally disregarding my attempts to stay away and not be a codependent in the middle even when I explain it. They still want to dump it all on me. AH doesn't want to quit drinking, period. Maybe I'm missing something. Should I Marchman Act him or deal with the sadness and blame when he finally dies? He's in end stages of alcoholism at only 50. (Can't walk, shakes, has wet brain, and other health problems.)

Hawkeye13

The medical "establishment" in my state kept trying to put me on the line
for decades with my alcoholic and chain-smoking mother and her endless
trips to ER, nursing home for rehab, back in her home to do it all again.
Over and over and over.

It never got better--just worse-- and almost destroyed my physically and emotionally.
My vote is that you step back and take care of you.
He's choosing to drink, and it sounds like alcoholism has used
up years and tears for you for a long time already.

honeypig

I don't have any advice to offer, just want to say what an awful situation this sounds like. I have no clue what your legal responsibilities might be--I'm assuming you're still married to him since you refer to AH rather than XAH? I also assume there is a reason you did not divorce, since that is what I think most folks would have done?

I hope you can continue to remain OUT of this mess, emotionally, financially and legally.

Seren

Hello Saint Francis,

I'm sorry to hear about the condition your husband is in. I wish I had some sage advice about how to handle the hospitals, nurses, and other emergency and home health personnel. I suppose it would depend on the legal status of your marriage. Are you estranged (just living apart) or did you file for legal separation?

If you have not filed for legal separation, then that is probably why they still see you as the legal responsible party.

I am sorry for how much this all must hurt...I really hate addiction.

maia1234

Sending hugs SF. It seems to never end with alcoholics. I wish I had an answer for you. Just sending support!!

Refiner

They're all just wanting $$$ and someone else to be responsible. I lived it with my dying mother (cancer) in a home where they dug for $ so they'd get more than the piddly Medicare payments. If I were you, don't answer your phone or sign for any certified mail. He obviously is going to drink no matter what.

Saint Francis

I probably should add that I did consult with my divorce lawyer. Even he said I am stuck and it would take years and $ for a divorce. Court would deem him incompetent and incapable of consenting to divorce and appoint him an advocate. Another reason I wish I had started getting out years and years ago.

honeypig

SF, this is such an ugly situation. One of the reasons I split from XAH was that I feared financial responsibility at some point down the road when he deteriorated further; your post makes me see that it can be far worse than I could ever have imagined. Again, I wish you all the strength you will need to get thru this.

Katchie

Its hard to imagine there isn't a legal remedy for you when someone chooses to go down this road. Maybe a second legal opinion? Perhaps that is pie in the sky thinking. Hugs, prayers and support.

Refiner

I'm sorry if I'm not understanding correctly, but are you saying you're still married to this man? And if so, you're still legally bound and liable for his medical care and living expenses?

TropicalWinter

Also, there is no legal separation in Florida.

I'm sorry for your troubles.