Filing for divorce, part 2
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
Filing for divorce, part 2
So I told him I filed the petition and told him in person on Thursday. He went through a gamut of emotions: crying, begging me to put it off, telling me how wrong this is, telling me it's wrong for our daughter, anger, asking me whats two more years waiting for him to prove he can commit to sobriety and earn my trust in the grand scheme of life and then finally saying he understands why I feel the way I do but that he's going to keep trying to make me change my mind.
All through the conversation I just kept repeating that I'm done, that it IS happening, that even if he were magically sober tomorrow for good that too much damage has been done. And obviously magical sobriety isn't happening, that he has so much work to do on himself, so much to figure out and I've spent our whole relationship trying to make him be happy with himself and his life that I've lost who I am or what I want. My fault, not his, but I can't take control of my life back while in this marriage. I can't have my life be all about him anymore and I don't want to gamble more of my years on the hope that he finally gets it and it sticks.
He came over the next night and of course he is the calm, introspective, caring person that I know he can be. Which of course makes me doubt myself. One night of being calm and listening can make me doubt all the insanity that has occurred.
I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision. But I feel like I need to carry on no matter what, listen to my prior self that says I'm done. Not listen to the doubts, just put my head down and do this and deal with the aftermath later. I don't know what else to do. Mainly I'm scared for out daughter and losing the life I wanted for her, both parents in a strong marriage, never having to live the life of a child from a broken home. Now my dream is for him to get sober and for us to have a strong partnership raising our daughter. I hope for a friendship, but I realize that's not only up to me.
Any insight or advice is appreciated. This is just as hard as I imagined it would be. And I feel like I should be giving him another chance. But it's also a slap in the face that he wasn't taking all my other chances seriously.
All through the conversation I just kept repeating that I'm done, that it IS happening, that even if he were magically sober tomorrow for good that too much damage has been done. And obviously magical sobriety isn't happening, that he has so much work to do on himself, so much to figure out and I've spent our whole relationship trying to make him be happy with himself and his life that I've lost who I am or what I want. My fault, not his, but I can't take control of my life back while in this marriage. I can't have my life be all about him anymore and I don't want to gamble more of my years on the hope that he finally gets it and it sticks.
He came over the next night and of course he is the calm, introspective, caring person that I know he can be. Which of course makes me doubt myself. One night of being calm and listening can make me doubt all the insanity that has occurred.
I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision. But I feel like I need to carry on no matter what, listen to my prior self that says I'm done. Not listen to the doubts, just put my head down and do this and deal with the aftermath later. I don't know what else to do. Mainly I'm scared for out daughter and losing the life I wanted for her, both parents in a strong marriage, never having to live the life of a child from a broken home. Now my dream is for him to get sober and for us to have a strong partnership raising our daughter. I hope for a friendship, but I realize that's not only up to me.
Any insight or advice is appreciated. This is just as hard as I imagined it would be. And I feel like I should be giving him another chance. But it's also a slap in the face that he wasn't taking all my other chances seriously.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi FT. Congratulations on your huge step. Second thoughts are inevitable when making a life-changing decision, but you have solid reasons. I agree that it would be a pity if he was always the calm, thoughtful, introspective person you saw last night, but he's not always like that, is he?
I suggest you sit down and write out your doubts, and against them list the reasons you're doing this, and how you can mitigate the effects on your daughter.
I suggest you sit down and write out your doubts, and against them list the reasons you're doing this, and how you can mitigate the effects on your daughter.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Futuretrip.....
Keep that list that FeelingGreat suggested..the negative stuff within reach at all times...and, read it whenever you have self doubt!
It isn't the "second chance" that he wants so much as it is the desperate plea to return to the status quo--which benefits him and harms you and your daughter.
You see his trac record of second chances.....
There comes a point, in self preservation, that yo just have to do what you know you gotta do.
dandylion
Keep that list that FeelingGreat suggested..the negative stuff within reach at all times...and, read it whenever you have self doubt!
It isn't the "second chance" that he wants so much as it is the desperate plea to return to the status quo--which benefits him and harms you and your daughter.
You see his trac record of second chances.....
There comes a point, in self preservation, that yo just have to do what you know you gotta do.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
It seems to me that if he really does get serious and get sober,
you can always get back together in a few years when he has truly demonstrated real and lasting change--
Meanwhile, don't put your life on hold waiting around in a marriage
with an active addict.
The choice to stop using is his alone, and your life and your daughter's peace,
should not hinge on him maybe taking you seriously this time.
If you go back to status quo, chances are he won't for long anyway.
History is the greatest predictor here--that's me speaking as both
ACOH, and recovered alcoholic myself.
you can always get back together in a few years when he has truly demonstrated real and lasting change--
Meanwhile, don't put your life on hold waiting around in a marriage
with an active addict.
The choice to stop using is his alone, and your life and your daughter's peace,
should not hinge on him maybe taking you seriously this time.
If you go back to status quo, chances are he won't for long anyway.
History is the greatest predictor here--that's me speaking as both
ACOH, and recovered alcoholic myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ft,
Actions speak louder then words. They say you can see when an addict is growing up, sobering up and working a program. Don't cancel anything because you are on your "honeymoon" again . Been there done that.
Follow through with all the legal stuff, and pray that he has found the light. You will know, trust your instincts.
Actions speak louder then words. They say you can see when an addict is growing up, sobering up and working a program. Don't cancel anything because you are on your "honeymoon" again . Been there done that.
Follow through with all the legal stuff, and pray that he has found the light. You will know, trust your instincts.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"Any insight or advice is appreciated."
I used to beg and plead,too, to not have a relationship end. then when I was able to avert a breakup I would say in my head,without really knowing this is what id say," phew! stopped that from happening for now. I have my hostage still."
I used to beg and plead,too, to not have a relationship end. then when I was able to avert a breakup I would say in my head,without really knowing this is what id say," phew! stopped that from happening for now. I have my hostage still."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
Ft, I am in an incredibly similar position although I have not yet filed but probably will soon. Like you I have a young child and have tried to rationalize that it's better for him if I don't divorce (we're separated). Like you my A is great when sober and he was for over 3 years. Well he relapsed now (2nd time this year) and is holed up in his mother's place where the two of them are drunk.
I think the insight from those on the board who are also recovering A's is amazingly helpful (everyones insight is great, the insight from those who have been on both sides just adds a dimension of understanding). Comments from those like Hawkeye and tomsteve can help shed light on why doing the right thing for you is not doing the wrong thing for him.
I think the insight from those on the board who are also recovering A's is amazingly helpful (everyones insight is great, the insight from those who have been on both sides just adds a dimension of understanding). Comments from those like Hawkeye and tomsteve can help shed light on why doing the right thing for you is not doing the wrong thing for him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
Thank you for the replies. Anyone who has been through this situation, on both sides of the fence, please give me more insight. I go back to the comments time and time again to keep me strong.
His parents are pissed at me and my AH obviously thinks I'm making a hasty decision. And those 3 people's opinion hold so much weight it's ridiculous. I've always been that way, look at the handful of negative opinions vs. the dozens of positive. Definitely something I need to work on.
His parents are pissed at me and my AH obviously thinks I'm making a hasty decision. And those 3 people's opinion hold so much weight it's ridiculous. I've always been that way, look at the handful of negative opinions vs. the dozens of positive. Definitely something I need to work on.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
When I got divorced I had moved here to be with him and I really didn't know anyone here except his family. Once he moved out, I cut off all contact with all of them because I didn't want to hear any of it. Of course [his] family will take his side, and in the case of an alcoholic, the family really doesn't want him to become their problem so they're going to try to keep you two together and using guilt is one way they may to do that.
Hold your ground. Listen to your own inner voice. I would stop talking to them unless it has to do with custody arrangements for your child. . . such as where to pick up or drop off etc. Do you have a temporary legally binding custody agreement? If not, I'd make that #1 Priority.
Hold your ground. Listen to your own inner voice. I would stop talking to them unless it has to do with custody arrangements for your child. . . such as where to pick up or drop off etc. Do you have a temporary legally binding custody agreement? If not, I'd make that #1 Priority.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
futureTrip....I think that biminiblue is right---especially, about family.
Except in some exceptional cases...family will take up for family. and, they really don't want him on their own doorstep.....if he does...they will likely want to divorce him too...lol..
His parents don't live in your skin...they are probably sleeping peacefully while you lie awake and cry at night....
Everybody gets to have their own opinion of things. fine. BUT, what other people think of you is none of your business.....
You will need to work on growing a thicker rhino skin......
dandylion
Except in some exceptional cases...family will take up for family. and, they really don't want him on their own doorstep.....if he does...they will likely want to divorce him too...lol..
His parents don't live in your skin...they are probably sleeping peacefully while you lie awake and cry at night....
Everybody gets to have their own opinion of things. fine. BUT, what other people think of you is none of your business.....
You will need to work on growing a thicker rhino skin......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
When I got divorced I had moved here to be with him and I really didn't know anyone here except his family. Once he moved out, I cut off all contact with all of them because I didn't want to hear any of it. Of course [his] family will take his side, and in the case of an alcoholic, the family really doesn't want him to become their problem so they're going to try to keep you two together and using guilt is one way they may to do that.
Hold your ground. Listen to your own inner voice. I would stop talking to them unless it has to do with custody arrangements for your child. . . such as where to pick up or drop off etc. Do you have a temporary legally binding custody agreement? If not, I'd make that #1 Priority.
Hold your ground. Listen to your own inner voice. I would stop talking to them unless it has to do with custody arrangements for your child. . . such as where to pick up or drop off etc. Do you have a temporary legally binding custody agreement? If not, I'd make that #1 Priority.
FT, I know exactly about those couple of negative voices holding so much more weight than the positive. I felt like I needed unanimous outside approval for doing what I knew in my heart to be the right thing. Forgive me for not remembering, but if you're not in a program like Alanon or Celebrate Recovery, that kind of support was very helpful for me in overcoming that need for outside approval.
The thing is, it's not really a "second chance" with them, it's about completely breaking down any and all boundaries so that you are just constantly accepting unacceptable behavior without complaint. He's already had a million chances every day for years to do the right thing and has chosen to prioritize drinking over family every time. You are not responsible for that. He is.
Stay strong. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
He's already had a million chances every day for years to do the right thing and has chosen to prioritize drinking over family every time.
The craziest thing? I kind of believed him! "Well, gosh, this IS a lot to ask--maybe if I waited it out a bit more...." Luckily, between Alanon and SR, I pulled my head out of my hind end in time and ended things.
Honestly, I think we are both much happier--me for the obvious reasons, and him b/c he can just drink now w/o having to connive to take money from the bank account w/o my noticing as well as monitor his drinking so he's not obviously drunk around me. It's so much easier for both parties...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I agree with honeypig. I think my axh is much happier that he can have his breakfast beers with out me watching what he is doing.
I had an A on another forum tell me "it was the best thing my x wife ever did, by kicking me to the curb" , Sending hugs my friend, you can do anything you set your mind too!!
I had an A on another forum tell me "it was the best thing my x wife ever did, by kicking me to the curb" , Sending hugs my friend, you can do anything you set your mind too!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
I just replied on my previous Filing for Divorce post about how long things have been the way they are. It's funny because I've been questioning if I've REALLY given him enough time to let everything sink in and figure out recovery. It's only been 6 months since the time he passed out with our infant daughter, he agreed that he is an alcoholic and needs to stop drinking, went to rehab, all the relapses (really just one long relapse starting 6 days after rehab), the hospital trip and now...me filing for divorce.
But in my reply I said "But the fact is that if it takes me filing for divorce for him to get it, it's both a good thing for him and a wake up call for me. I don't want a partner who only does the right thing when threatened with this kind of action. If he doesn't have his own inner strength, then he will always go as far as he can pushing the line until the consequences get too big for him, be damned that they've been too much for me for so much longer. It's kind of a slap in the face, albeit one that could just maybe give my daughter the father she deserves but most definitely one that will give me control of my life back."
Funny how I answered my question on if I'm being hasty or not. Time to take my own advice I guess.
But in my reply I said "But the fact is that if it takes me filing for divorce for him to get it, it's both a good thing for him and a wake up call for me. I don't want a partner who only does the right thing when threatened with this kind of action. If he doesn't have his own inner strength, then he will always go as far as he can pushing the line until the consequences get too big for him, be damned that they've been too much for me for so much longer. It's kind of a slap in the face, albeit one that could just maybe give my daughter the father she deserves but most definitely one that will give me control of my life back."
Funny how I answered my question on if I'm being hasty or not. Time to take my own advice I guess.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
I have struggled with wondering if I was doing the right thing by leaving. What has really helped me is that I made a list of every single horrible/bad/unacceptable behavior I could remember from our 4 years together. I would end up remembering more and more each day after I left and added it to the list. At first it was only about a half a page long. As I have gotten stronger, I have become more and more aware of all of the unacceptable things I put up with. That list is now pages long. When I start to feel that guilt for leaving or the inevitable loneliness that accompanies the end of a relationship, I look at that list. I never want to go back to that or have my kids witness it (even though they did not actually see it with their own eyes).
You are doing the right thing for you and your daughter. As far as his family's judgment is concerned, the saying that "blood is thicker than water" holds true, more times than not.
When my XABF went to rehab, his mother called and was thanking me up and down for an hour for finally convincing him to get help. During that conversation, I confided many of the horrible things he had done in our relationship. She said that she couldn't believe I stayed for as long as I did.... After he returned from rehab and started drinking again within a few weeks, he quickly returned to the raging, abusive alcoholic. I then made the decision to end things. His mom called me when he told her I was leaving and she couldn't believe I was just going to "abandon" him after all of the hard work he has done and that I was probably the reason he couldn't stay sober.... Ummm... okay. Really???? I no longer talk to his family, even though they used to "love" me and were so appreciative of me when he went to rehab. Whatever.
You are doing the right thing for you and your daughter. As far as his family's judgment is concerned, the saying that "blood is thicker than water" holds true, more times than not.
When my XABF went to rehab, his mother called and was thanking me up and down for an hour for finally convincing him to get help. During that conversation, I confided many of the horrible things he had done in our relationship. She said that she couldn't believe I stayed for as long as I did.... After he returned from rehab and started drinking again within a few weeks, he quickly returned to the raging, abusive alcoholic. I then made the decision to end things. His mom called me when he told her I was leaving and she couldn't believe I was just going to "abandon" him after all of the hard work he has done and that I was probably the reason he couldn't stay sober.... Ummm... okay. Really???? I no longer talk to his family, even though they used to "love" me and were so appreciative of me when he went to rehab. Whatever.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Its better to live in the now than in the "what if".
Now, you cannot live with him. In the future should he get his act together should you decide to try again then you can!
It shouldn't work this way:
Hold off on divorce, live in misery, subject my child to misery, to allow the alcoholic to maybe get sober, though he shows nothing indicative of that, and has been given many chances.
It works like this:
File for divorce and get away from living with an alcoholic because he has been given many chances and continues to hide, lie, drink, making me and my child miserable.
His parents are pissed at me and my AH obviously thinks I'm making a hasty decision. Of course they are!!! He's a mess, who do you think becomes their problem when you leave? HIM. Dont doubt they don't know what a headache he is.
Coming from a broken home is way better than living in one.
Now, you cannot live with him. In the future should he get his act together should you decide to try again then you can!
It shouldn't work this way:
Hold off on divorce, live in misery, subject my child to misery, to allow the alcoholic to maybe get sober, though he shows nothing indicative of that, and has been given many chances.
It works like this:
File for divorce and get away from living with an alcoholic because he has been given many chances and continues to hide, lie, drink, making me and my child miserable.
His parents are pissed at me and my AH obviously thinks I'm making a hasty decision. Of course they are!!! He's a mess, who do you think becomes their problem when you leave? HIM. Dont doubt they don't know what a headache he is.
Coming from a broken home is way better than living in one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Originally Posted by redatlanta
He's a mess, who do you think becomes their problem when you leave? HIM. Dont doubt they don't know what a headache he is.
Coming from a broken home is way better than living in one.
Coming from a broken home is way better than living in one.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I have my 1 page list of all the shxt my axh did to me. It is a 10 font and the whole page is filled. I keep it on my desk so I remember why I divorced. It blows me away all the unacceptable behavior that I tolerated. but back then, I didn't realize that it was unacceptable.
Take your time and do what you need to do, it all falls in place the way it was suppose to. Sending virtual hugs my friend, we could always use extra ones!!
Take your time and do what you need to do, it all falls in place the way it was suppose to. Sending virtual hugs my friend, we could always use extra ones!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
^^ maia is spot on
This is how 3 people that are NOT YOU feel about your actions.
What if you write a list of what actually is? All of the horrible things that actually happened. Part of codependency is romanticizing WHAT IS. We minimize the horrible things they've done so we can get through it, and to try to move forward with the relationship still in tact.
I needed to write that list after I left - for all the times I start thinking maybe my actions were too extreme, there were sweet parts to him and our relationship. I needed it to keep me grounded in reality. Then, once those awful things were firmly planted in my brain as they really happened, I could heal from them. Then, in my new life, I wrote a list of how things truly are TODAY. And they are all happy and peaceful things - a stark contrast to my life a year ago.
Keep moving forward - we're all here with you, and so, so happy for you!
His parents are pissed at me and my AH obviously thinks I'm making a hasty decision. And those 3 people's opinion hold so much weight it's ridiculous.
What if you write a list of what actually is? All of the horrible things that actually happened. Part of codependency is romanticizing WHAT IS. We minimize the horrible things they've done so we can get through it, and to try to move forward with the relationship still in tact.
I needed to write that list after I left - for all the times I start thinking maybe my actions were too extreme, there were sweet parts to him and our relationship. I needed it to keep me grounded in reality. Then, once those awful things were firmly planted in my brain as they really happened, I could heal from them. Then, in my new life, I wrote a list of how things truly are TODAY. And they are all happy and peaceful things - a stark contrast to my life a year ago.
Keep moving forward - we're all here with you, and so, so happy for you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
