Codependency, Mental Heath and Substance Abuse... My Never Ending Stresses of Loving the Afflicted
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Codependency, Mental Heath and Substance Abuse... My Never Ending Stresses of Loving the Afflicted
Today I am not here to talk about my XAH... I guess I'm here to just vent about the chaos that has begun to swirl again in my life and my boundaries regarding the situations. I will try to be as brief as possible. Warning! It wont BE brief.
I have a 'new' (friends for many years) man in my life and have had a plan to move from where I live to where he lives 3K miles away. I have lived within 250 miles of this place I live now my entire 44 years. My mum is near here, my father passed away at Xmas due to complications from his alcoholism. She is still grieving the loss of a 50yr relationship in which she was painfully codependent. My young adult children live here, employed and self sufficient. My youngest just graduated high school and will turn 18 in August... I was waiting for him to pass this milestone before I moved. He has a good paying job with lots of room for advancement and further knowledge, this is a relief and makes my moving much easier. I do not want to stay in this town any longer. I want to go go go. My ex lives nearby and all the memories are smacking me in the face every moment of every day. I basically just stay holed up at home so I don't have to fear running into him and his gf or my ex-in-laws...and so I don't have to be reminded at every turn about the good times we had over 26 years all over this town and surrounding places. So yes I really do want to move even though I am extremely tied to this area through a lifetime of growing here.
In no particular order, here is where some major stress comes in:
First problem: My Brother. He lives on my mother's property. He has recently developed a severe mental illness. He has never been a very bright guy, he never seemed to mature mentally or emotionally passed a young teenage mind set. He is 42. He is not capable of being truly self sufficient. He can't manage his money, he doesn't understand paying taxes, he can't hold a job. He has been to jail, he has lost his drivers license and will probably never get it back because he can not afford to pay the money it would take to have it reinstated. He drinks, smokes tobacco and pot as well as does other drugs he wont specify. In the last year and a half he has had several psychotic breaks.. two have been extremely severe, the first one landed him in the psyche ward for a week, this latest one he should have been in the hospital again but wasn't. The doctors have assured my mother it is not schizophrenia but something similar to bipolar with schizoid(?) affect. When he takes the medicine he gets better but to have him take it and keep taking it is the challenge. When he doesn't take it he is paranoid out of his head.. he cant understand the simplest things and he needs to know answers to the most ridiculous things. ( like,"what was that noise!!!" if water drips from the faucet) He takes things apart because he is sure everything is bugged. He strips wires.. he wanted to know when my Mum's eyes turned blue ( umm..always?) and why my hair was so blonde (it has always been this colour I have NEVER dyed or lightened my hair) When he gets really bad he will not eat or bathe or even change his clothes... he is very sick. Right now he is on meds and things are better, far from normal, but much better.
I understand you can not help someone that does not want to help themselves. My mother SAYS she understands this but she is codependent by nature. Always has been. Her own mother made her that way and then she chose to stay that way when she married my alcoholic Dad. I am concerned about my brother's health... but my main concern is my 70yr old mother, who is still grieving the loss of my father while dealing with her own health issues, as her youngest child and only son goes completely off his rocker. All the while, this craziness is happening in and around her home since he lives on her property. She wont make him leave. She feels better knowing where he is and trying to "help" *SIGH*
My problem is the guilt I feel about moving 3k miles away. She is going to feel so abandoned, especially after just losing my dad.I know her feelings aren't my responsibility, but as a family member I do have a responsibility to be supportive. There really isn't anything I can do, except be a port in the storm, occasionally taking her out for lunch or shopping and sometimes she comes to my place just to escape (and cry) for a bit. She tells me she feels helpless and hopeless. I feel bad that I wont be able to give her hugs. When I do move I wont be able to come back for several months.
So to recap... as much as I want to move and begin new adventures .. there is some anxiety about leaving the only "place" I've ever lived (Pacific Northwest) where all my family is, especially while there is some ongoing crisis (when will there never not be some crisis or other though?)
Second Stress: boyfriend's son. Also having mental health issues. 23yrs old, college student, living with his mother in less then great circumstances. This young man is also immature for his age. He is the eldest of our (combined) four children and I'd wager the least mature. Most of my information is second hand as I have only spent limited amount of time with him. He is depressed. He has told some of his friends that he is feeling suicidal. He does self harm by cutting. I don't know how much he drinks and smokes pot but he does do both those things as well as vaping. I suspect he does other drugs. He most certainly hangs around with people known for their drug use. He is on medication for other health issues and was on antidepressants but stopped taking them because he blamed them for his "over sleeping" all the time. (chronically late for work and missing entire shifts until eventually fired for it).. he blamed the meds ( go see a doctor!), he blamed his mother for not waking him (more then once!), he blamed traffic(you know tourist traffic is bad, leave sooner!), he blamed his dead phone(plug it in!) he is legitimately tired from work and school ( but sleep instead of party all night!)... he takes no responsibility for his own behaviour. To be fair he does take medicine he NEEDS to take and that could be a contributing factor but he has sought no medical advice in getting this issue fixed. I know sleeping can also be a sign of depression, and I fully believe this boy is depressed. HOWEVER I also think he is manipulating his father into taking care of things he should be taking care of himself. He plays the woe is me, poor me, drops hints of killing himself he KNOWS will get back to his dad and then in one fell swoop Dad charges in and starts not only offering solutions but actively "fixing" things.
My boyfriend has offered his son to move in with him/us while he is going to school. If he flunks out due to lost time (again with the "sleeping") he has to have a job and pay rent. This kid comes with a large hairy dog. I like dogs, but my boyfriend and I had agreed no pets for a while, we wanted to just be together and footloose, fancy free. Able to pick up and go traveling on a whim, to do what we wanted when we wanted without pets to be responsible for. He said I could maybe have a cat since they can look after themselves much better than dogs, and I was looking forward to that.( I do miss having a furry friend, but I wont be getting my cat with this dog around) Since I wont be able to work until I have resident status, one of my plans to make use of myself was to work on whipping the big backyard into shape. I don't want to do that with a digging dog's holes and dog poop all over the place. I don't want to be constantly cleaning long white dog fur from my new home. I don't want to be responsible for this dog when boyfriend is at work and his son is at school or work. I don't want to have to be cleaning the guest bath(which would be the one used by his son) of a 23yr old who has no self responsibility... yet I'd have to if I ever want to let guests come into my home. I feel like this wasn't what I signed on for. Sorry that sounds selfish, and I do know life has a way of changing our best laid plans. Oh boy do I EVER know that.
All that said...I understand making sacrifices is part of being in a family.. but my ABSOLUTE biggest fear in having to live with this kid is the chaos that his mental illness and possible addictions will bring into my life. I swore I'd never go back to the anxiety, fear and pain that I lived in before I chose to break up my marriage to AXH. I will NOT be codependent.. but if my boyfriend is going to be, I can not be codependent to his codependency either, that would be no better than when I was married to an alcoholic. I understand his love for his child, just like I understand my mother's love for her child... I'm really flippin' frustrated that I am stuck between opposite sides of the same coin here, all I wanted to do was restart my life with my new man, in a new place, building new dreams and making them happen. And even though I still plan to go I am SO DISAPPOINTED that it wont be just him and I. And I'm so worried about what my mother will be going through when I am too far away to help her.
I spent years being uncomfortable in my own home. It has been a long hard road getting my own life back on track. I was codependent for a very long time. I got lost for a while, and the place I ended up was dark and scary and painful.. it took a lot of strength to claw myself out of that place and I never want to go back there again.
I KNOW I am future tripping, but in this case I kind of HAVE to since my life plan involves my picking up from where I am now (and everything and everybody Ive ever known and loved) to travel from the stress I live in here... to go be with my new Love in the stress and chaos I fear his child can bring into our lives. Fun little catch-22 that.
I do not blame my mother or my brother or my boyfriend or his son for any of the things they all have going on. But all of it is weighing on me.
I haven't given my landlord notice that I will be moving, I wanted to give two months notice.. I think I'll hold off doing that for now
I haven't told my boss I intend to be leaving soon...I think I'll hold off on that a while longer as well
I told my boyfriend I think I should wait until the end of September now instead of the end of August and he is very disappointed with that. He says he understands why I feel I need the extra time to adjust to the change of plans, but he doesn't like it.
Just when I thought I had a grip on my stress and anxiety I get smacked with it again.
The universe must be trying to teach me something and I am too damn dense to see what it is and learn my lesson.
If you made it this far, thanks for listening!
I doubt anyone has any advice for me, but if you do I'd love to hear it.
I have a 'new' (friends for many years) man in my life and have had a plan to move from where I live to where he lives 3K miles away. I have lived within 250 miles of this place I live now my entire 44 years. My mum is near here, my father passed away at Xmas due to complications from his alcoholism. She is still grieving the loss of a 50yr relationship in which she was painfully codependent. My young adult children live here, employed and self sufficient. My youngest just graduated high school and will turn 18 in August... I was waiting for him to pass this milestone before I moved. He has a good paying job with lots of room for advancement and further knowledge, this is a relief and makes my moving much easier. I do not want to stay in this town any longer. I want to go go go. My ex lives nearby and all the memories are smacking me in the face every moment of every day. I basically just stay holed up at home so I don't have to fear running into him and his gf or my ex-in-laws...and so I don't have to be reminded at every turn about the good times we had over 26 years all over this town and surrounding places. So yes I really do want to move even though I am extremely tied to this area through a lifetime of growing here.
In no particular order, here is where some major stress comes in:
First problem: My Brother. He lives on my mother's property. He has recently developed a severe mental illness. He has never been a very bright guy, he never seemed to mature mentally or emotionally passed a young teenage mind set. He is 42. He is not capable of being truly self sufficient. He can't manage his money, he doesn't understand paying taxes, he can't hold a job. He has been to jail, he has lost his drivers license and will probably never get it back because he can not afford to pay the money it would take to have it reinstated. He drinks, smokes tobacco and pot as well as does other drugs he wont specify. In the last year and a half he has had several psychotic breaks.. two have been extremely severe, the first one landed him in the psyche ward for a week, this latest one he should have been in the hospital again but wasn't. The doctors have assured my mother it is not schizophrenia but something similar to bipolar with schizoid(?) affect. When he takes the medicine he gets better but to have him take it and keep taking it is the challenge. When he doesn't take it he is paranoid out of his head.. he cant understand the simplest things and he needs to know answers to the most ridiculous things. ( like,"what was that noise!!!" if water drips from the faucet) He takes things apart because he is sure everything is bugged. He strips wires.. he wanted to know when my Mum's eyes turned blue ( umm..always?) and why my hair was so blonde (it has always been this colour I have NEVER dyed or lightened my hair) When he gets really bad he will not eat or bathe or even change his clothes... he is very sick. Right now he is on meds and things are better, far from normal, but much better.
I understand you can not help someone that does not want to help themselves. My mother SAYS she understands this but she is codependent by nature. Always has been. Her own mother made her that way and then she chose to stay that way when she married my alcoholic Dad. I am concerned about my brother's health... but my main concern is my 70yr old mother, who is still grieving the loss of my father while dealing with her own health issues, as her youngest child and only son goes completely off his rocker. All the while, this craziness is happening in and around her home since he lives on her property. She wont make him leave. She feels better knowing where he is and trying to "help" *SIGH*
My problem is the guilt I feel about moving 3k miles away. She is going to feel so abandoned, especially after just losing my dad.I know her feelings aren't my responsibility, but as a family member I do have a responsibility to be supportive. There really isn't anything I can do, except be a port in the storm, occasionally taking her out for lunch or shopping and sometimes she comes to my place just to escape (and cry) for a bit. She tells me she feels helpless and hopeless. I feel bad that I wont be able to give her hugs. When I do move I wont be able to come back for several months.
So to recap... as much as I want to move and begin new adventures .. there is some anxiety about leaving the only "place" I've ever lived (Pacific Northwest) where all my family is, especially while there is some ongoing crisis (when will there never not be some crisis or other though?)
Second Stress: boyfriend's son. Also having mental health issues. 23yrs old, college student, living with his mother in less then great circumstances. This young man is also immature for his age. He is the eldest of our (combined) four children and I'd wager the least mature. Most of my information is second hand as I have only spent limited amount of time with him. He is depressed. He has told some of his friends that he is feeling suicidal. He does self harm by cutting. I don't know how much he drinks and smokes pot but he does do both those things as well as vaping. I suspect he does other drugs. He most certainly hangs around with people known for their drug use. He is on medication for other health issues and was on antidepressants but stopped taking them because he blamed them for his "over sleeping" all the time. (chronically late for work and missing entire shifts until eventually fired for it).. he blamed the meds ( go see a doctor!), he blamed his mother for not waking him (more then once!), he blamed traffic(you know tourist traffic is bad, leave sooner!), he blamed his dead phone(plug it in!) he is legitimately tired from work and school ( but sleep instead of party all night!)... he takes no responsibility for his own behaviour. To be fair he does take medicine he NEEDS to take and that could be a contributing factor but he has sought no medical advice in getting this issue fixed. I know sleeping can also be a sign of depression, and I fully believe this boy is depressed. HOWEVER I also think he is manipulating his father into taking care of things he should be taking care of himself. He plays the woe is me, poor me, drops hints of killing himself he KNOWS will get back to his dad and then in one fell swoop Dad charges in and starts not only offering solutions but actively "fixing" things.
My boyfriend has offered his son to move in with him/us while he is going to school. If he flunks out due to lost time (again with the "sleeping") he has to have a job and pay rent. This kid comes with a large hairy dog. I like dogs, but my boyfriend and I had agreed no pets for a while, we wanted to just be together and footloose, fancy free. Able to pick up and go traveling on a whim, to do what we wanted when we wanted without pets to be responsible for. He said I could maybe have a cat since they can look after themselves much better than dogs, and I was looking forward to that.( I do miss having a furry friend, but I wont be getting my cat with this dog around) Since I wont be able to work until I have resident status, one of my plans to make use of myself was to work on whipping the big backyard into shape. I don't want to do that with a digging dog's holes and dog poop all over the place. I don't want to be constantly cleaning long white dog fur from my new home. I don't want to be responsible for this dog when boyfriend is at work and his son is at school or work. I don't want to have to be cleaning the guest bath(which would be the one used by his son) of a 23yr old who has no self responsibility... yet I'd have to if I ever want to let guests come into my home. I feel like this wasn't what I signed on for. Sorry that sounds selfish, and I do know life has a way of changing our best laid plans. Oh boy do I EVER know that.
All that said...I understand making sacrifices is part of being in a family.. but my ABSOLUTE biggest fear in having to live with this kid is the chaos that his mental illness and possible addictions will bring into my life. I swore I'd never go back to the anxiety, fear and pain that I lived in before I chose to break up my marriage to AXH. I will NOT be codependent.. but if my boyfriend is going to be, I can not be codependent to his codependency either, that would be no better than when I was married to an alcoholic. I understand his love for his child, just like I understand my mother's love for her child... I'm really flippin' frustrated that I am stuck between opposite sides of the same coin here, all I wanted to do was restart my life with my new man, in a new place, building new dreams and making them happen. And even though I still plan to go I am SO DISAPPOINTED that it wont be just him and I. And I'm so worried about what my mother will be going through when I am too far away to help her.
I spent years being uncomfortable in my own home. It has been a long hard road getting my own life back on track. I was codependent for a very long time. I got lost for a while, and the place I ended up was dark and scary and painful.. it took a lot of strength to claw myself out of that place and I never want to go back there again.
I KNOW I am future tripping, but in this case I kind of HAVE to since my life plan involves my picking up from where I am now (and everything and everybody Ive ever known and loved) to travel from the stress I live in here... to go be with my new Love in the stress and chaos I fear his child can bring into our lives. Fun little catch-22 that.
I do not blame my mother or my brother or my boyfriend or his son for any of the things they all have going on. But all of it is weighing on me.
I haven't given my landlord notice that I will be moving, I wanted to give two months notice.. I think I'll hold off doing that for now
I haven't told my boss I intend to be leaving soon...I think I'll hold off on that a while longer as well
I told my boyfriend I think I should wait until the end of September now instead of the end of August and he is very disappointed with that. He says he understands why I feel I need the extra time to adjust to the change of plans, but he doesn't like it.
Just when I thought I had a grip on my stress and anxiety I get smacked with it again.
The universe must be trying to teach me something and I am too damn dense to see what it is and learn my lesson.
If you made it this far, thanks for listening!
I doubt anyone has any advice for me, but if you do I'd love to hear it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Mighty
After reading your post, a Greek word popped up: "Megalos." Everything you describe sounds too big to deal with.
It sounds like you are facing two choices here: an addict in your family, OR an addict in HIS.
I can see your need to relocate away from where you currently live. I think the reasons you have for doing so are sound. You need a new start in life.
What I see here, is just the two choices you have presented. Fact is, we all have MANY more choices that we sometimes fail to see.
If I were in your shoes, I would be a little scared to move 3,000 miles without knowing what I was getting myself into.
Best of luck to you!!!
After reading your post, a Greek word popped up: "Megalos." Everything you describe sounds too big to deal with.
It sounds like you are facing two choices here: an addict in your family, OR an addict in HIS.
I can see your need to relocate away from where you currently live. I think the reasons you have for doing so are sound. You need a new start in life.
What I see here, is just the two choices you have presented. Fact is, we all have MANY more choices that we sometimes fail to see.
If I were in your shoes, I would be a little scared to move 3,000 miles without knowing what I was getting myself into.
Best of luck to you!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well.......since you asked.....first off at the age of 44 you damn well get to do what YOU want WHEN you want. you are no longer in the nest.
i understand your concerns for your mom and brother, but if you got abducted by aliens tomorrow, they'd have to figure it out.
however......it doesn't sound like you are moving to a BETTER place in many ways.....it won't be JUST you and the BF......now there is a challenged adult child with a big hairy dog. all the things you don't want.
frying pan to the fryer. choosing the rope or the river.
maybe the reason you haven't given your notice to your landlord or employer is that you really don't WANT to go????
i understand your concerns for your mom and brother, but if you got abducted by aliens tomorrow, they'd have to figure it out.
however......it doesn't sound like you are moving to a BETTER place in many ways.....it won't be JUST you and the BF......now there is a challenged adult child with a big hairy dog. all the things you don't want.
frying pan to the fryer. choosing the rope or the river.
maybe the reason you haven't given your notice to your landlord or employer is that you really don't WANT to go????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Anvil,
I do want to go ! I very badly want to be with BF and out of this old town.
I want to go to the fantasy we had planned! The one that didn't include kids and dogs... well it did.. but not as permanent, needy, long term house guests.
Which is exactly why I have not given notice to employer or landlord. I'm not burning bridges until I know that what's on the other side is safe.
It's just so damn frustrating. I knew life wouldn't always be easy, but I thought once I got moved on from the grief of losing my 26yr relationship with XAH things would be smooth sailing as far as the codependency stuff went. I was wrong. I guess in some way or another it looks like I will always be having to "deal" with people afflicted with Mental Illness, PDs and addictions. I know how I WONT be dealing with it, now to figure out how I will. Still lots of work to do. Never seem to be as advanced as I'd hoped to be!
One foot in front of the other and a lot of deep breathing... I guess I'm just going to have to sit with this whole mess a while and see what shakes out.
I do want to go ! I very badly want to be with BF and out of this old town.
I want to go to the fantasy we had planned! The one that didn't include kids and dogs... well it did.. but not as permanent, needy, long term house guests.
Which is exactly why I have not given notice to employer or landlord. I'm not burning bridges until I know that what's on the other side is safe.
It's just so damn frustrating. I knew life wouldn't always be easy, but I thought once I got moved on from the grief of losing my 26yr relationship with XAH things would be smooth sailing as far as the codependency stuff went. I was wrong. I guess in some way or another it looks like I will always be having to "deal" with people afflicted with Mental Illness, PDs and addictions. I know how I WONT be dealing with it, now to figure out how I will. Still lots of work to do. Never seem to be as advanced as I'd hoped to be!
One foot in front of the other and a lot of deep breathing... I guess I'm just going to have to sit with this whole mess a while and see what shakes out.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
smallbutmighty.....you
Don't have to JUST SIT AND WAIT TO SEE WHAT SHAKES OUT.
I see that you finally got out of the situation with your prior marriage...and you swore that you would not ever go back to the misery of that again.....
but, my dear, I can see you setting the stage to return to the ropes that bind, again......
Please, go back to alanon. and get a counselor...like ASAP.....before you make some decisions that will be hard to turn back from......
***the fact that your boyfriend had the reaction hat he did when you asked for one more month---looks li ke a big red flag to me!!!
I assume that you are planning to move 3000 miles away because of him...?
Look...HE is the parent...and, it is up to HIM to deal with his own parenting problems. He is asking too much, in my opinion for you to enter the situation with his addicted son...trust me...that situation will likely become very chronic....Oh, My!.....You don't NEED any more mental illness and addiction in your life...that you didn't cause.
I understand your feeling of responsibility to your mother. I believe that you can work out a life plan for yourself that would satisfy your right for living your own l ife in the freedom that you crave and still honor your ethical values, also.
The most logical, as I see it....would be to move...alone....to a place that is about 2 to 3 hour drive from your mother. That way, you could still visit on weekends, holidays, etc......and she could visit you.
Now, I imagine that you feel that this boyfriend is your new key to happiness...but, honey, I can tell you that what you think your security is for right now..will turn into a chain and ball for your emotional and psychological health in the fairly new future.
If you feel that you must hitch your star to his wagon...his heavy and full wagon....then...just have a long distance relationship with him.....until the son is out of the dependent role with him and the dog passes to dog heaven.
He should respect your life and your very legitimate needs if he wants to be a part of your life......
You have the first responsibility to YOUR needs first....putting on your oxygen mask first.....
You have given over enough of your life to other people's needs, already. You are 44yrs. You can still have a happy and peaceful life...if you can understand that you deserve it and it is o.k. to take it....even if it P***** off some other people......They don't live in your own skin 24/7....
LOL...normally, I am not this blunt.....so, please forgive me. I just hate to see a woman another woman give up her own rights and needs and power......
sincerely...
dandylion
Don't have to JUST SIT AND WAIT TO SEE WHAT SHAKES OUT.
I see that you finally got out of the situation with your prior marriage...and you swore that you would not ever go back to the misery of that again.....
but, my dear, I can see you setting the stage to return to the ropes that bind, again......
Please, go back to alanon. and get a counselor...like ASAP.....before you make some decisions that will be hard to turn back from......
***the fact that your boyfriend had the reaction hat he did when you asked for one more month---looks li ke a big red flag to me!!!
I assume that you are planning to move 3000 miles away because of him...?
Look...HE is the parent...and, it is up to HIM to deal with his own parenting problems. He is asking too much, in my opinion for you to enter the situation with his addicted son...trust me...that situation will likely become very chronic....Oh, My!.....You don't NEED any more mental illness and addiction in your life...that you didn't cause.
I understand your feeling of responsibility to your mother. I believe that you can work out a life plan for yourself that would satisfy your right for living your own l ife in the freedom that you crave and still honor your ethical values, also.
The most logical, as I see it....would be to move...alone....to a place that is about 2 to 3 hour drive from your mother. That way, you could still visit on weekends, holidays, etc......and she could visit you.
Now, I imagine that you feel that this boyfriend is your new key to happiness...but, honey, I can tell you that what you think your security is for right now..will turn into a chain and ball for your emotional and psychological health in the fairly new future.
If you feel that you must hitch your star to his wagon...his heavy and full wagon....then...just have a long distance relationship with him.....until the son is out of the dependent role with him and the dog passes to dog heaven.
He should respect your life and your very legitimate needs if he wants to be a part of your life......
You have the first responsibility to YOUR needs first....putting on your oxygen mask first.....
You have given over enough of your life to other people's needs, already. You are 44yrs. You can still have a happy and peaceful life...if you can understand that you deserve it and it is o.k. to take it....even if it P***** off some other people......They don't live in your own skin 24/7....
LOL...normally, I am not this blunt.....so, please forgive me. I just hate to see a woman another woman give up her own rights and needs and power......
sincerely...
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Dandy,
Thank you, I always respect what you have to say. There is wisdom in your words and I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I am paying attention.
I asked for responses because I knew I needed the perspective of clearer eyes and less clouded hearts.
*hugs*
Thank you, I always respect what you have to say. There is wisdom in your words and I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I am paying attention.
I asked for responses because I knew I needed the perspective of clearer eyes and less clouded hearts.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
small, I would have to agree that it surely looks like you're setting yourself up for another chapter of the same book... I think dandylion made some really good points in her post.
Maybe it's time to remind yourself about the pitfalls of "potential", about the risks of seeing what might be/could be/should be instead of what actually, really IS? You had a lovely dream, a beautiful future all planned out, but unfortunately reality is setting in...
Looking at your description of what that reality is likely to be, I don't see much similarity between that and what you hoped for and expected.
Maybe it's time to remind yourself about the pitfalls of "potential", about the risks of seeing what might be/could be/should be instead of what actually, really IS? You had a lovely dream, a beautiful future all planned out, but unfortunately reality is setting in...
Looking at your description of what that reality is likely to be, I don't see much similarity between that and what you hoped for and expected.
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