Expanding

This whole focusing on myself has unearthed very obvious reasons as to why I didn't or couldn't in the first place.

Total lack of self love and respect for myself.
I feel like I am worthless, that no one would want to be my friend.
I see who I have surrounded myself with and I feel ashamed - this is not who I really am!
Well then, who am I? I don't even know...
It's Friday night and I'm excited about cooking something and relaxing with some tea. Partly because I have no one else to go out with that doesn't just want to get drunk.

How in the world did I let this happen? I was really that desperate for love that I accepted it from anywhere I could get it. The first person that could "save me" (distract me) I just rolled with...

Now I'm here with just me myself and I. I'll feel great one minute and in control and in my power, then I'm swallowed up by an intense fear. If I'm not careful it will run away with me for days. I'm doing better as of late so I am just happy with progress.

I'm afraid to go out and meet people. I'm scared that I'm still vulnerable and someone is going to pick up on that and I'm going to end up in a similar situation. I'm scared I won't be able to see if I'm going down the same path. I don't want to turn into a hermit but I feel like being alone is what I need most nights as I am still processing so much.

Anyone experience this? How long before you felt comfortable to meet new people?

maia1234

E,
Yes I feel the same way. I was with my axh for 34 years. You can imagine your self esteem being with an alcoholic that long. We have to take time to rebuild what we once were.

I am a year and a half post divorce and I still don't go out socially. I never want to get involved and hurt by someone who drinks again, never. My antennas are always up and I am judging someone on their behavior regarding alcohol. I don't mean too, but it is who I am. I just figure I am not ready to meet anyone yet and that's ok.

I accept that this is Gods plan and if I am alone, its ok. I was with someone for 34 years. I feel it's fine to find out who Maia is and what she likes in life. We never know ...... Sending hugs my friend and enjoy your tea and peace and quiet.

LovelyKaya33333

Hi ... you are not alone. I was thinking about posting this and i almost did today. The only people I feel safe being around right now are alanon members and some of my best friends and work clients ( when I have to be ) but some of my best friends I don't even want to be around if they are drinking... I decided I am going to give myself as much time as I need to stay in at night and read this forum.... go to alanon meetings and watch netflix. Sending you hugs... don't push yourself too soon if you don't feel like it. I feel like I took a long time getting to unknow myself so to speak ( with various addicts) and it will take some time to get my footing back as well..

oldsoul112249

I'm in a similar situation with all of those feelings. Alone now after being with a charming, cunning, baffling and powerful narcissist for 17 yrs. The addiction being worse than my alcoholism!!! He got me to be so helpless, needy and dependent on him....beat me down. I managed to stay sober and working on myself now more than ever. We will hang in there and heal

CafFiteinated

My sobriety date is also the date I split with XGF. I am completely consumed with getting my act together. XGF and I have had no contact at all and that has proven beneficial to getting healthy.

I couldn't imagine trying to meet new people right now outside of those around the AA tables. I know I would come off as complete mess. My brain is running at 5,000 miles per hour and its all I can do to connect the dots one day at a time.

AnvilheadII

take TIME to heal.....and to get comfortable in your own skin.
heal from the INSIDE out......there are over 7 BILLION people on our planet right now......we won't run out of "stock" in the time you take for yourself!!!

honeypig

I'm with maia--I am a year post divorce and am just fine doing "me", feeling no urgency to "find someone" whatsoever. I would like to make more friends, partly for fun and partly just b/c we do need other people--to support, to support us, to give rides to the grocery store when their car is broken down, to give us rides to the grocery store when our car is broken down--you know what I'm saying, right? But in the sense of finding a BF/husband type of relationship? Not even on the horizon. I'm enjoying the freedom; even though I'm still blindsided occasionally by intense grief, I know it won't last forever.

I guess, to some extent, it depends on the person. My SIL has turned herself inside out dating since her divorce, complaining constantly about how there are no "good ones" out there. I think, in part, this is b/c her friends are all married and she feels odd being the only single one. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem able to see other options and thus continues to feel resentful and put upon, even 7 or 8 years later. Oh--did I mention she's an ACOA who never sought any help...? I emailed her one of the LOLG readings a while ago when it seemed particularly apt. At her request I continue to send them. Hoping that at some point, the switch flips and she gets some support for herself.

Expanding

I feel like our society breeds and encourages codependency. I was actually told that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else...

I am feeling a pressure to "get out there" and I am so not ready for that, to make friends or for a romantic relationship. I can see that this codependency business affects *all* relationships, not just romantic partners.

I don't think I am at a point yet where I am able to attract healthy people and relationships. I know that axbf is getting loads of support regarding his new relationship and I don't understand why this is the case. It's like we value being in a relationship over whether or not it's the right relationship or even healthy! I would rather be single for a few years and start dating healthy men right off the bat than to ever have to go through this crap again!

I know that I am making healthier choices already because I have turned down men who wanted to date me... for sex, redemption for the way they treated their ex, to appease loneliness, etc, and I would have gladly joined in the charade so that I didn't have to feel lonely, or to feel worthwhile, attractive, confident, etc. My past happiness truly depended on another person and their moods. If they were happy, I was happy and vice versa. When I went on dates (in the past) I would try to make the other person like me instead of seeing if I liked them!

Like really... anyone can go out there and find someone just for the sake of not being alone, but I think it takes a strong person to realize that may not be healthy and that they are getting into relationships for all the wrong reasons.

I thank goodness for books like "Codependent No More" because I can guarantee I would be in another dysfunctional relationship right now. My surroundings don't help, I am surrounded by other dysfunctional people and relationships so consider the source of this advice. I can't wait until I am surrounded by healthy and happy people!

dandylion

YES. You must consider the source!!!!!!!!!

Using one relationship to heal from another is an old idea that is perpetuated in the culture...and, it the nidus of many a pop song.....

dandylion

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It is so eye opening when you realize that what you thought was love was codependency, love addiction, obsession, etc. and not true, reciprocal, healthy, mature love. In my case it was not two healthy people coming together to enhance their already happy lives... it was two people who came together because they thought it would make themSELF happy, distract them from themselves and fix the crap from their past! How selfish could we have been to call that love?!

*swallows pill*

dandylion

Expanding......here is a song that elaborates on just what we are discussing.....
Check this out----youtube...Jerry Butler...1961.....
Great old soul song......

(It is the male side of the same thing)

Expanding

Is that the name of the song or the album?

dandylion

It is the name of the song.

Expanding....here is another for you----YouTube,,,Ronnie Milsap..."There ain't No Getting Over Me"
and....."Why don't You Guit Hurting Me"...

I am telling you that Ronnie Milsap has some songs that are guaranteed to get the ole Co-dependency tears flowing!!!

dandylion

Expanding

Holy codependency

The lyrics to "there ain't no getting over me" creeped me out a little bit, not going to lie

Ladybird579

I socialize with a few good women friends. We go out as a group and don't bother with any men who come along. Most of my friends are married anyway and we just have a good time and go home alone. I've done that for nearly 2 years. Recently I've dated one man a couple of times and one for a few weeks. Both are friends and its been fine. However I dodged a few bullets. One I avoided turned out to be a serial womanizer, on dating sites, sleeping with many at a time and has now proposed to a woman while still married to another. I had no idea he was like this and it was only luck ( and some sense after all lol) I didn't fall foul of him. I met another with a similar history I only found out about after the fact. Then there is the emotionally unavailable which is usually a mirror of ourselves. We aren't ready for a relationship so we subconsciously pick men who aren't either.

I found the best way to be happy with someone is to be truly happy on my own. I mostly am now tho I have off days. Finding another man is no longer on my agenda. I have a good job, great friends, my sons and my cats. That's enough for me at the moment.

dandylion

Expanding....I spent lots of hours crying to that one (the one that creeped you out a little)....lol.....

Expanding

You may be onto something here! I really want to connect with someone on a deep level and I found I didn't know HOW to with my axbf. I couldn't tell if the block was coming from me or him... all I knew was that I didn't know how to make it happen. I would try to get a bit deeper and the resistance was painful. Something tells me that if a deeper connection was able to happen it would have...

Maybe deep down I knew this wasn't the man for me and my walls went up. The drinking was not something I could let slide... I do not want my future kids to go through what I did!

I have never been on my own before, ever. I have no idea how to be happy outside of someone else! But I am learning. No wonder the relationship wasn't healthy... I doubt I would have been with him for so long if I had any idea what a healthy relationship looked like. I was barely out of my teens when we met... I realize that this could have gone on forever... that I could be 40, 50 or 60 realizing this...

Expanding

I can see why it would make you cry, because I imagine you imagining your ex is singing the song to you! Yup, I would get emotional too

Slowdown12

Wow - that definition of an unhealthy relationship - to make me feel better and fix the crap from the past- has nailed it for me!! Ironic that I chose a then active alcoholic, drug using, almost homeless gambler for the job!! Thanks for the insight- I realise I'm still tasking him with the job!! Just got to get the balance now between working on my expectations and not being a doormat!!��Hey ho!

AnvilheadII

kinda crashing your thread here, but this is one of my fave go-to descriptions of Toxic Love vs Healthy Love.

Toxic Love

by Robert Burney M. A.
"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal.

It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say "I can't smile without you" "I can't live without you" "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power.

Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.

There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after. We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.

True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles. The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.

Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.

If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.

As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving.