Trying to reconnect
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Trying to reconnect
Hello everyone, I have posted here before, but mostly I read your threads. It has been source of inspiration and strenght. Thank you all for that. I need your frank opinion once again. Quick background: I broke up with my AXBF few months ago, we went completely no contact for several months. Not long ago, we reconnected and started to talk again. He has been sober for 3-4 months and is activelly getting help (meetings, sponsor, cuonsellor, reading..).
We are both aware that there is a long way to go. Non of us would like to rush things. We both live in different countries now, we are in touch via email and we did see each other personally once. The thing , is that before we personally met he was sending me very nice emails, was generally interested in my life and was compassionate. Lately, I have been feeling that he doesnt care much about our relationship and isnt really interested in my life. It does hurt me (once again). I was ok to have this long-distance realtionship with him (something between frineds and gf bf who both need to work on each other and some space), i dont need much commitment or even messages and calls on daily basis. I have my own life. But when there is a contact, I want to see that the other person makes some effort, interest (not just selfish notes from one side). Is it crazy to just go ahead and ask this from recovering addict? Is he able to give me this little I need? Is he able to understand? Thank you.
We are both aware that there is a long way to go. Non of us would like to rush things. We both live in different countries now, we are in touch via email and we did see each other personally once. The thing , is that before we personally met he was sending me very nice emails, was generally interested in my life and was compassionate. Lately, I have been feeling that he doesnt care much about our relationship and isnt really interested in my life. It does hurt me (once again). I was ok to have this long-distance realtionship with him (something between frineds and gf bf who both need to work on each other and some space), i dont need much commitment or even messages and calls on daily basis. I have my own life. But when there is a contact, I want to see that the other person makes some effort, interest (not just selfish notes from one side). Is it crazy to just go ahead and ask this from recovering addict? Is he able to give me this little I need? Is he able to understand? Thank you.
. And yes, we did.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Maya!
I would say that if it is a genuine relationship, yes, you expect those things. If this is more of a casual thing, I would say not.
True recovery is a time to be really selfish. And a relationship that far of a distance is quite difficult.
Glad to hear from you, take care!
I would say that if it is a genuine relationship, yes, you expect those things. If this is more of a casual thing, I would say not.
True recovery is a time to be really selfish. And a relationship that far of a distance is quite difficult.
Glad to hear from you, take care!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
uh huh.......and so let's see...."not long ago" Mr. Sobriety reaches out to see if you are still THERE, and you get the Big Schmooze, all nice and interested and talking about meeting up in person............and you do.....and this includes getting you into bed.....and then you go home and now he's no longer doing the full court press.
How utterly UNsurprising. he got what HE wanted. he knows you are still there, on the hook.
and here you are worried about what you might SAY to him to get him to treat you nicer............because how he treats you HURTS.
How utterly UNsurprising. he got what HE wanted. he knows you are still there, on the hook.
and here you are worried about what you might SAY to him to get him to treat you nicer............because how he treats you HURTS.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
Hi Maya, from what I've noticed, for some people, recovery can be a very self-absorbing time especially if it's active and involves meetings etc. It's almost like the recovery becomes a new relationship and it's normal for partners to feel on the outer. If you think about it, the substance they were using was the 'other woman' in the relationship before, now it's recovery.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
uh huh.......and so let's see...."not long ago" Mr. Sobriety reaches out to see if you are still THERE, and you get the Big Schmooze, all nice and interested and talking about meeting up in person............and you do.....and this includes getting you into bed.....and then you go home and now he's no longer doing the full court press.
How utterly UNsurprising. he got what HE wanted. he knows you are still there, on the hook.
and here you are worried about what you might SAY to him to get him to treat you nicer............because how he treats you HURTS.
How utterly UNsurprising. he got what HE wanted. he knows you are still there, on the hook.
and here you are worried about what you might SAY to him to get him to treat you nicer............because how he treats you HURTS.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Hi Maya!
I would say that if it is a genuine relationship, yes, you expect those things. If this is more of a casual thing, I would say not.
True recovery is a time to be really selfish. And a relationship that far of a distance is quite difficult.
Glad to hear from you, take care!
I would say that if it is a genuine relationship, yes, you expect those things. If this is more of a casual thing, I would say not.
True recovery is a time to be really selfish. And a relationship that far of a distance is quite difficult.
Glad to hear from you, take care!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by MAYA1
I am perfectly aware that I look like complete idiot. I'm also sure I am not the only one else one here who made this mistake. I am struggling a lot to see him as addict. I want to believe he is different. However I am ready to let it all go once again completely if he won't make any effort to participate in this relationship at least a little bit.
I have come to the place of acceptance that this is not true. An addict or alcoholic is just that.
I think it stemmed from ME wanting to feel better about MYSELF. By telling myself he was different from all other alcoholics. As always, we need to look in ourselves to find out the truth.
I think I see reality now, he is a common or garden alkie and I have a broken picker that attracts me to them!!
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Originally Posted by LeeJane
I struggled with this too. With my alcoholic husband, we seem to want to believe they are different from all other A's.
I have come to the place of acceptance that this is not true. An addict or alcoholic is just that.
I think it stemmed from ME wanting to feel better about MYSELF. By telling myself he was different from all other alcoholics. As always, we need to look in ourselves to find out the truth.
I am in the place of clear truth now. He is a common or garden alkie and I have a broken picker that attracts me to them!!
I have come to the place of acceptance that this is not true. An addict or alcoholic is just that.
I think it stemmed from ME wanting to feel better about MYSELF. By telling myself he was different from all other alcoholics. As always, we need to look in ourselves to find out the truth.
I am in the place of clear truth now. He is a common or garden alkie and I have a broken picker that attracts me to them!!
Then he appeares and it wasn't the cliche you would expect. He was very reasonable. He said he loves me and misses me. Asked me if I would be willing to be friends and see slowly if in future we can have more.
I told him I wasn't ready and that we would have to be friends and in distance. He added that he needed at least year to be sober. Perhaps more. Then he would be willing to move in back together if all goes right.
Anyway, we did see each other once and yes we did have sex, I really don't believe that he would be like ok we had sex and that's it. She is hooked. But something has changed. It's me asking him questions being interested in his life more than the other way round. Sometimes he just texts me what he does. Doesn't consider to ask me what I do.
Oh guys what to do? Should I just break up with him now? OR wait few weeks, contact him just a little and see how it goes? I have my life and I can do either and keep myself entertained I just want to know what's best action from me now. What do you think?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Maya
Thanks for sharing.
One way I look at my own situation, is to ask if I would want to become friends with someone new who treats me this badly. I have to respond "No" 100% of the time.
Let's face it: if we had not gotten so involved and hooked up physically, we would RUN from someone like this. It's this history of enmeshment that can keep us coming back to them, in spite of the current behaviors they exhibit that say loudly, "NO, I don't care about you. I care about my drink and a warm place to put it occasionally."
Thanks for sharing.
One way I look at my own situation, is to ask if I would want to become friends with someone new who treats me this badly. I have to respond "No" 100% of the time.
Let's face it: if we had not gotten so involved and hooked up physically, we would RUN from someone like this. It's this history of enmeshment that can keep us coming back to them, in spite of the current behaviors they exhibit that say loudly, "NO, I don't care about you. I care about my drink and a warm place to put it occasionally."
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by LeeJane
I struggled with this too. With my alcoholic husband, we seem to want to believe they are different from all other A's.
I have come to the place of acceptance that this is not true. An addict or alcoholic is just that.
I think it stemmed from ME wanting to feel better about MYSELF. By telling myself he was different from all other alcoholics. As always, we need to look in ourselves to find out the truth.
I think I see reality now, he is a common or garden alkie and I have a broken picker that attracts me to them!!
I have come to the place of acceptance that this is not true. An addict or alcoholic is just that.
I think it stemmed from ME wanting to feel better about MYSELF. By telling myself he was different from all other alcoholics. As always, we need to look in ourselves to find out the truth.
I think I see reality now, he is a common or garden alkie and I have a broken picker that attracts me to them!!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
However I am ready to let it all go once again completely if he won't make any effort to participate in this relationship at least a little bit.
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