pndm07

My AH, who relapsed now (a second time in 2 years after about 3 years sober), and left me high and dry when I was getting hip surgery last week (my sob story is around here), is now calling and crying. Saying he's sorry and he doesn't know what he would do without me and our son, and he just will have to work his program harder. As much as I have learned and realize the manipulation tactics (and the fact that I don't really think he's sober now either), it tugs at my heartstrings. I am really thinking of going to divorce now (we're legally separated) because I need to heal from this toxic force . That is not to say we cannot be on good terms if he is sober for our son's sake, but I feel that I've taken such a beating over the past few years from this, that my physical and emotional health will get worse if I don't do something healthy for me.
Then I worry, if I divorce him will he kill himself? Go even crazier than he already is? Or ironically, will it help him as well as me. I mean if a man really loves his wife, isn't he with her when she has surgery and needs him? Unless he is deployed overseas, I just don't see it. But my heart hurts. And why do I feel guilty if he's the one that did something so unfeeling to me? This is all rhetorical, but it just puzzles me. I mean in a way I feel maybe by staying married, giving him health insurance (he only has a part time job), the security that he can be with me when he wants but still have a place to go home (his mom's, she is drunk now too), I've enabled him in some way. Maybe if he didn't have that comfort zone he would man up. I don't know, I'm just reflecting. I wish I could be cruel and tell him to f off. His crying like a little wimp isn't helping. Ugggh.

hopeful4

You cannot change him. He is a grown adult, who can either be well, or not. His decisions. I stayed with my X husband for 18 years. Many of those I stayed b/c I had huge fear he would commit suicide if I left. Low and behold, we have been divorced two years, and he is alive and kicking just fine.

He will escalate, or not. He will live, or not. You are not responsible for those things. You cannot control his actions, or I am sure you would not be in this position to start. Try as we might, we just cannot save another person.

Stay strong. I hope your hip, and stress levels, are doing much better!

PS...OK, don't be mad, but this made me laugh. "I'm just reflecting. I wish I could be cruel and tell him to f off. His crying like a little wimp isn't helping. Ugggh"

Hugs.

pndm07

Thanks Hopeful and I'm not mad at all. I think humor really helps in these situations. And let's face it a grown man who cries and snivels like a little kid is not attractive! Just wish I wasn't such a softie myself.

dandylion

pndm.....I have a feeling that things have grown less cushy over at mom's house.....

I am willing to bet that he has done this similar thing before?

I don't think that the tears hold any more promise of the things that you want than whispered promises from a silver tongue.....they both tend to dry up like the dew in the morning sun, when daily reality hits.....

He can't trust himself. even if he means what he says in the moment......
He hasn't made the internal changes that genuine sobriety requires....
If he can't trust h imself...how can you trust him...

dandylion

pndm07

You're right Dandylion, I don't think things are so great at his mom's. She's been drinking for the past few weeks herself and I don't see how she is going to get out of it unless one of her friends sends her to detox (which may end up happening). No he hasn't made the change as you correctly point out, and even if he did for a while, it didn't stick, so it really doesn't matter. He does cry and try to lay the guilt on when he's in this state. I guess I just need to remember that I was the one wronged here, not him. Ugh. What a pain.

firebolt

Looking back, it was always when I needed something that XABF would have an "incident." He'd get SOOOO drunk and embarrass me when my family would visit, or he'd back out when we were in crisis, or for holidays, or if I needed help - medical help even. And not just say no, he would say YES, then wait until the last second as we were leaving and say, Nah - I'm not going. Always to 'pay me back' for something he felt I had done months, or even years before...and inevitable, I would feel bad about whatever made him mad that time.

Now that the dust has settled - he would start the fights so I would go without him, hed back out at the last second so I'd go without him, or he'd lose his mind and rage so i would leave.....all so he could drink in peace.

Then, inevitably and without apology, hed come back and want things to be 'normal.' He wanted us to be happy and in love again. And in the name of keeping the peace (for a short time) I' play my part in that act too . And then the cycle would continue.

Well - now he can drink in peace. And now I can live in peace. And the only thing that made that all happen was me finally saying NO - and meaning it.

Eauchiche

My late Mom had told my addict Dad to leave. As he was packing up his RV, he threw himself on the floor sobbing and begged her to let him stay. She capitulated.
They lived together another 15 years or so before he died, with her waiting on him hand and foot. He generally behaved like an SOB to all of us.
She lived another 5 years after he died. We all wonder if she would still be alive today if she had followed through with the separation.

LeeJane

I feel all the crying, weeping, wailing and dramatic stuff is basically to get their life as comfy as possible.

They will do what seems to work on us!

I have seen my AH try different methods on me, if crying doesn't work, he sees it and just shifts to another tactic. Maybe anger. It is just a toolbox of tricks they work through to find the most effective on us.

It means nothing to them. They will just as comfortably produce tears, anger, insults etc. Whatever works.

I also say this from the position of an A who used to do all this.

FeelingGreat

Just remember to watch the actions, not listen to the words. He's sorry, but he's still drinking. Making promises, but not actually doing anything. One thing you can believe is that he doesn't know what he'd do without you and your son, because it's very much to his advantage to have you around. He's facing the reality of losing his fall-back position.
His big-baby reaction is self-focused too as he's not crying about how he behaved, only about the consequences for himself. Not stepping up to help you, just grovelling in the hope you'll feel sorry enough to take him back.

LeeJane

Gosh! This hit me in the face. Yes, you are right.

Thank you.

dandylion

pndm......it is so essential that you get more support for yourself.
I know that you went to alanon a few years ago...it would be a source of em otional suoport for you again....
Also, Celebrate Recovery is good, also....

I understand that it is more complicated with your child care needs....
I suggest that you reach out to the autism organizations and get help from them, also....

Reading "Co-dependency No More", if you haven't, already, is highly recommended....

I know that this all looks hard for you....but, is anything harder than what you are going through now...dealing with the fallout of an alcoholic?

pndm....others have worked their way through this...so, you know that it is possible.....
I have long observed that those who get the most support and help (and don't give up) are the ones that get better.....

The more help you get...the better you will feel....

dandylion

pndm07

Gosh you are so right. Thank you. I don't know what to do. He calls me, I don't pick up, but yesterday I had no choice because my son picked up the phone. I just hate this. What do you even say to someone in this situation? I mean it's not like I can have any kind of productive conversation with him b/c his mind is fuzzy.

dandylion

pndm.....mylifeismine has posted a thread called "Medium Chill"......
I say---Read it....it tells you what to say/or not when trying to detach.....

You are right--You can't have a productive conversation with a drunk!!!!!
Don't talk to him.......

dandylion