Blogs


Notices

Well trod path

Old 07-06-2016, 10:33 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LeeJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 666
Well trod path

Another update on how I am dealing with AH and his relapse.

I seem much more clear headed than in the past. I SEE what is playing out with his behaviours.

It feels like I have a classroom in front of me. I am learning, learning, learning. Things that were there in the past and I was unable to see are clear as day now.

AH is going along the well documented path of his disease progression.

He is in deep denial and delusion but again now I can see it. It is so plain to me, in the past because of wrong thinking learned from A parents, I was programmed to see it as 'normal'.

I am so thankful for all of this. More is being revealed to me.

I am living and loving my 12 step program.

I think the biggest change for me is that I now see it isn't me, it is AH and his disease. I always felt that everything was my fault before. This isn't. It is his disease playing out. He used to tell me I was over reacting, imagining it etc. No, I am not. I am seeing clearly and accurately.

Thank goodness for that. I also know that I do not want to be dragged down by his disease.
LeeJane is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to LeeJane For This Useful Post:
360startstoday (07-07-2016), atalose (07-07-2016), August252015 (07-07-2016), firebolt (07-07-2016), honeypig (07-07-2016), hopeful4 (07-07-2016), Jaeger (07-07-2016), Wells (07-07-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 03:57 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,666
LeeJane, I am so glad you have this newfound clarity about what is happening. It is still sad and painful to watch someone you love (or once loved) go down this path. However, it is so different when you are able to see it for what it really is, with open eyes, knowing it is not because of you, in spite of you, or really in any way related to you at all.

Alcoholism may take him, in the end, regardless of anything you do or don't do. I'm glad you have the strength not to let it take you down as well.

(((Hugs)))--it's still not an easy thing, but seeing the truth does make a difference.
honeypig is online now  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to honeypig For This Useful Post:
atalose (07-07-2016), firebolt (07-07-2016), hopeful4 (07-07-2016), LeeJane (07-07-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 04:34 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LeeJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 666
Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
LeeJane, I am so glad you have this newfound clarity about what is happening. It is still sad and painful to watch someone you love (or once loved) go down this path. However, it is so different when you are able to see it for what it really is, with open eyes, knowing it is not because of you, in spite of you, or really in any way related to you at all.

Alcoholism may take him, in the end, regardless of anything you do or don't do. I'm glad you have the strength not to let it take you down as well.

(((Hugs)))--it's still not an easy thing, but seeing the truth does make a difference.
Thank you so much for your kind reply. I was feeling pretty low so it came just at the right time for me. It is terribly sad when this disease takes people.

I used to love him but the drinking has taken it away. It gradually erode it away.

Seeing the truth does make a difference, it was what I needed to learn to be able to do.

I find with AH, it isn't the actual drinking that is the problem, it is the manipulation, denial, pretence, etc that is the crazy making part. Which as I mentioned recently, I came to discover AH does whether drinking or not.

But, yes all this would happen regardless of me being with him or not. It is usually peaceful and quiet in our home which he sees as a sign of us having a good relationship. That is wrong, it is that way because of me working my program.

Just out of interest, I recently tested the waters, I made brief mention of his alcoholism to him. Well he immediately launched a character assignation and criticism attack on me as a person. All the alcoholism clichés that it is ME who is too sensitive, that he just likes a drink, that there is something wrong with me that no one else would mind.

So, yes it would be that way all the time if I didn't work Al-anon.
LeeJane is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to LeeJane For This Useful Post:
atalose (07-07-2016), August252015 (07-07-2016), firebolt (07-07-2016), honeypig (07-07-2016), hopeful4 (07-07-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 05:32 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LeeJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 666
I would like to put this out there.

I don't like AH. There is nothing to like.

When we met 13 years ago, I was a different person. I was attracted then, I wouldn't be today. Today if I met him I would see an ill, sad, alcoholic. Back then I saw someone to rescue/save! To fill the emotional hole in me.

We can't split up right now so I keep living and learning about myself. Finding peace within me.
LeeJane is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to LeeJane For This Useful Post:
atalose (07-07-2016), firebolt (07-07-2016), honeypig (07-07-2016), hopeful4 (07-07-2016), Jaeger (07-07-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 05:42 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,666
I don't like AH. There is nothing to like.
Lately I've been deluged w/memories of XAH in our early days. I remember someone who was interested in life, who was joyful, who had fun and could be spontaneous, someone who slid down banisters and drew me silly little pictures.

That person was gradually erased, becoming someone who was resentful, dishonest, cold and rigid. Once in a while, I see a faint shadow of who he was, just enough to break my heart again, enough to make me pray again for him to find sobriety b/c I know he is not gone beyond recall, beyond hope.

But I know I can't find him. It's going to take a power much greater than anything I myself can muster up. And that same power works for me, to help me find my own path, my own strength, my own healing and my own peace.

I am right beside you, LeeJane.
honeypig is online now  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to honeypig For This Useful Post:
Elyse16 (07-08-2016), firebolt (07-07-2016), hopeful4 (07-07-2016), LeeJane (07-07-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 05:47 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LeeJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 666
Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
Lately I've been deluged w/memories of XAH in our early days. I remember someone who was interested in life, who was joyful, who had fun and could be spontaneous, someone who slid down banisters and drew me silly little pictures.

That person was gradually erased. Once in a while, I see a faint shadow, just enough to break my heart again, enough to make me pray again for him to find sobriety b/c I know he is not gone beyond recall, beyond hope.

But I know I can't find him. It's going to take a power much greater than anything I myself can muster up. And that same power works for me, to help me find my own path, my own strength, my own healing and my own peace.

I am right beside you, LeeJane.
yes, to all of this, Honeypig. The faint shadow of the person he was. It is heart breaking. I try not to see it now. He cannot see it at all. To him, it is me that has changed and no longer laughs.

Thank you for your support. xx
LeeJane is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to LeeJane For This Useful Post:
firebolt (07-07-2016), honeypig (07-07-2016), hopeful4 (07-07-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 05:47 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
CentralOhioDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
LJ, I totally understand. About a month ago I put out a post that I've mentally moved on, and I have. We've been married for almost 12 years, and she has changed so much since then, in ways I don;t like. I also have changed.

AW is a great mom during the day, and cares deeply for DS. But once the wine glass hits her lips before dinner, she stops being able to fulfill the role of a responsible parent, and I hate it and don't understand it.

The lies, the betrayal, the empty promises, the exaggerations, the denials, blameshifting - everything. It's just too much. I just want out.

That's why I'm working on me, and giving extra love and attention to DS, so when it's time for the next move, DS and I are ready. Well, I'll be ready.
CentralOhioDad is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to CentralOhioDad For This Useful Post:
Elyse16 (07-08-2016), firebolt (07-07-2016), honeypig (07-07-2016), hopeful4 (07-07-2016), LeeJane (07-07-2016), Wells (07-07-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 05:57 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Such great thoughts and comments in this thread about how WE feel as the outsiders to this disease. Just look at how, over time, it has eroded away over the years of what wonderful qualities we used to see, to the point where we have noticed the changes so much that it has caused what we once thought was the unthinkable -- We don't like them so much anymore!

It sounds like a lot of you in this thread are lifers -- You didn't get married or partner up for a few years of fun. You did it and expected to be next to this person in your golden years. So the initial thoughts of saying goodbye to a person you thought would be in your life decades more was so hard to imagine.

But look at what time and realization has done -- We are actually falling out of love with them.

Also, this:

I think the biggest change for me is that I now see it isn't me, it is AH and his disease. I always felt that everything was my fault before. This isn't. It is his disease playing out. He used to tell me I was over reacting, imagining it etc. No, I am not. I am seeing clearly and accurately.

Thank goodness for that. I also know that I do not want to be dragged down by his disease.
Such great introspection to see past the blame and realize that we're not accountable. Well done!
Wells is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Wells For This Useful Post:
CentralOhioDad (07-07-2016), firebolt (07-07-2016), honeypig (07-07-2016), hopeful4 (07-07-2016), LeeJane (07-07-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 07:20 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
Thanks for your post. You sound so strong and wise. Isn't it amazing how we tend to blame ourselves, when they are the ones doing us wrong? I also wanted to desperately hold on to the thoughts of the person he was/is when sober. However it's not enough to be sober some of the time, or even most of the time, and then go back into insanity. It is so hard to be objective about it. Sounds like you have made a lot of progress in that direction.
pndm07 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to pndm07 For This Useful Post:
firebolt (07-07-2016), honeypig (07-07-2016), LeeJane (07-07-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 08:04 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
firebolt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
THanks for your insight and clarity and ((((HUGS))) to you. No matter how healthy you are, it still has to be hard.

I envy your peace through it all and empathize with the sadness and helplessness in it all.

Best to you - and your hubs.
firebolt is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to firebolt For This Useful Post:
honeypig (07-07-2016), LeeJane (07-07-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 10:01 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LeeJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 666
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad View Post
LJ, I totally understand. About a month ago I put out a post that I've mentally moved on, and I have. We've been married for almost 12 years, and she has changed so much since then, in ways I don;t like. I also have changed.

AW is a great mom during the day, and cares deeply for DS. But once the wine glass hits her lips before dinner, she stops being able to fulfill the role of a responsible parent, and I hate it and don't understand it.

The lies, the betrayal, the empty promises, the exaggerations, the denials, blameshifting - everything. It's just too much. I just want out.

That's why I'm working on me, and giving extra love and attention to DS, so when it's time for the next move, DS and I are ready. Well, I'll be ready.
Thanks for sharing this. I am where you are, working on ME. I have compassion for where AH is at but I cant allow myself to be pulled in. I am working on getting myself ready for the next stage in my life. Empowering. Such a sad waste of energy to focus on the suffering alcoholic.

AH shoots 'sniper fire', if you know what I mean. Little shots of his own anger shoot out of his mouth now and now. From nowhere. Nothing to do with what I am doing. Internal shots from him.

Love that you focus love and attention on DS.
LeeJane is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to LeeJane For This Useful Post:
honeypig (07-08-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 10:08 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LeeJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 666
Originally Posted by Wells View Post
Such great thoughts and comments in this thread about how WE feel as the outsiders to this disease. Just look at how, over time, it has eroded away over the years of what wonderful qualities we used to see, to the point where we have noticed the changes so much that it has caused what we once thought was the unthinkable -- We don't like them so much anymore!

It sounds like a lot of you in this thread are lifers -- You didn't get married or partner up for a few years of fun. You did it and expected to be next to this person in your golden years. So the initial thoughts of saying goodbye to a person you thought would be in your life decades more was so hard to imagine.

But look at what time and realization has done -- We are actually falling out of love with them.

Also, this:



Such great introspection to see past the blame and realize that we're not accountable. Well done!
Thank you.

Yes, there gets to a point where there isn't a person, a human being, left. Terribly sad. The human part of the brain is eroded away.

The part that remains working is the basic survival parts.

AH had a brain scan a while ago, we were shown the results, you could actually see what areas where brain cells were dead. Alcohol kills off the more delicate humane areas first. Leaves the tougher areas which deal with breathing, etc. All our gentle human characteristics are destroyed.

I needed to write that out for my benefit.

I cannot save AH. I can only save myself from the effects of his behaviour.

You mention me being a 'lifer' in marriage, this isn't so, it is that I have repeated the pattern of picking an addict to be with three times now. I do not want to do it again. So I am here to learn what not to do. To get myself well and mentally healthy. That is partly why I stay.

I am most definitely no longer in love with him. There is nothing left to love. He is an empty shell now.
LeeJane is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to LeeJane For This Useful Post:
honeypig (07-08-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 10:14 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LeeJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 666
Originally Posted by pndm07 View Post
Thanks for your post. You sound so strong and wise. Isn't it amazing how we tend to blame ourselves, when they are the ones doing us wrong? I also wanted to desperately hold on to the thoughts of the person he was/is when sober. However it's not enough to be sober some of the time, or even most of the time, and then go back into insanity. It is so hard to be objective about it. Sounds like you have made a lot of progress in that direction.

Thank you. I used to wonder why I blamed myself too for things I could logically see were nothing to do with me. I eventually realised the answer. It is because the A manipulates to make you feel that way.

My A parents blameshifted all their problems onto me, I thought it was my fault. AH did exactly the same. All seemed pretty usual to me.

No, addicts have to blame others. It is how they keep existing. In their minds, nothing is their fault. They couldn't keep the addiction going if they accepted responsibility for it.

As a recovering A with 6 years sober myself, I can remember my distorted thinking at the time was that I only drank because of outside things. If .................................. didn't happen, I wouldn't have to drink. Fill in the dots with whatever convenient excuse you want!

No, I drank because my addiction was active. No other reason. I just hung it on other people to make it their fault not mine!
LeeJane is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to LeeJane For This Useful Post:
honeypig (07-08-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 10:17 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LeeJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 666
Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
THanks for your insight and clarity and ((((HUGS))) to you. No matter how healthy you are, it still has to be hard.

I envy your peace through it all and empathize with the sadness and helplessness in it all.

Best to you - and your hubs.
Thank you. It is hard. Some days it is too much.

I mostly feel peace but not all the time. I get the peace from working my program and using the techniques I have learnt.

I feel sadness for AH, what a waste.
LeeJane is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to LeeJane For This Useful Post:
honeypig (07-08-2016)
Old 07-07-2016, 10:21 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LeeJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 666
Thanks so much for all the responses. I very much appreciate the time taken.

It has also helped me by prompting my replies, allowing me to write thoughts down and therefore making them more real to me.

Something I also wanted to get out of my head, I had coffee with a friend yesterday. I came away exhausted, upset, angry and head spinning. The whole time she spat anger and negativity in my face about some issues in her life right now. Ones she repeats on a regular basis and does nothing to resolve.

I can see I need to remove myself from her company.

I then came home and had AH to deal with and it was harder than it needed to be because of this verbal bashing I had allowed myself to sit through.

No.
LeeJane is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to LeeJane For This Useful Post:
honeypig (07-08-2016)
Old 07-08-2016, 01:43 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Elyse16's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Southgate, MI
Posts: 30
I resonate with this post as well. So many times, I've asked myself 'how could he say that to me? How could he do that to me? How could he not see how wrong that was or how I would feel about that?' I used to think he just didn't care. About me or the relationship. But I'm beginning to realize more and more, it was never about me. Sure, he wants to shift blame that way and may even apologize once in a while, but it's NOT me.

The best thing I did was walk away as hard as it was and still caring so much about him. I don't want to hate him, but it was starting to go that way and I can't hold onto hate in my heart. That's just not me.

Hugs to you.
Elyse16 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:47 AM.