gainingstrength

Hi all, I'm new to this, so please bare with me.

My partner and I have been together 4.5 years. He told me he had addiction issues about 4 months into the relationship, although I had no idea what that meant. I thought it was in the past, etc., etc., plus he attended AA religiously.

Well, a year and a half into our relationship my father died. Shortly after I found out he had been having anonymous sex with any and everyone and was also using drugs. I rationalized all of this to his drug use, and I was at such a low point in my life I felt I needed him.

Over the years it's been the same story - he's using and cheating. I stayed for so many reasons. I love him, I think he needs to sort his deep seeded issues out, he has mental health issues, etc. - but overall he's a great guy. At least I thought - he has a ph.D., plays at church on Sundays, has many friends, and everyone loves him. He treated me well, always doing things for me so I believed acts of service was his love language. I couldn't (and still can't) wrap my brain around how anyone can be so wonderful on the surface but every year or so he has a breakdown or something. I wanted to investigate and find out why.

Fast forward to this past March when I found he was using and cheating for like the fourth/fifth time. Things got a little violent, I said hateful things, kicked him out, the usual. We maintained a friendly relationship because I still wanted to support him. Then he entered rehab, w/o telling me, in May. Since we went to school together all of the profs and the Dean knew - I was so embarrassed, esp. since it was a few days before my graduation.

He got out of rehab, thought we could live together again since he was in recovery. Unfortunately, I have too much hurt, resentment and honestly hate in my heart, and because he's so fragile we decided he should move out again. Again, he moved in with a slightly older woman who's in AA.

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed now and don't know what to do. I know he should focus on his recovery. I've also started attended al anon and have started to see how toxic my behavior was. I thought I'd be a hindrance to his recovery bc I'm so angry/hurt, but also wanted to support him. I mean, I've stood by his side through everything. But now, he's just tossed me to the side like trash. I'm sure it's probably the best for both of us, but I still have fears. They say recovering addicts aren't supposed to make big changes and I feel guilty forcing him out. So, my question is, do I reach out and support him, and if so, how?

kittycat3

It sounds like a LOT of drama, and I'm thinking you should consider letting this ride a bit. Compulsive cheating and addictions to boot? Plus living with another woman? He needs space to heal and it sounds like you do too. Focus on yourself, get thyself to therapy and al-anon. Hugs.

Steely

No-one can really answer that question for you, but if it were me, and he has moved in with someone else, I'd leave the ball in his court and see how it unfolds.

You'll set him in a position of power which will probably make it more painful for you. Two women, attending to his needs. Great.

i wouldn't contact him, but that's just my opinion. Keep posting.

gainingstrength

I agree - it's too much. One thing that's hindering me is that I'm moving across country at the end of the month. Maybe just looking for closure?

gainingstrength

I def don't think it's a romantic relationship, but it is a relationship where he's playing house, possibly almost motherly. But, is it okay to cut off communication? I don't want to add more trauma to an already insane situation.

Steely

I don't think we ever really reach closure. It just becomes memory which is no longer painful.

Move across town, keep posting here, maybe go to Al-Anon or see a counsellor, and let it unfold in the fullness of time.

"Closure" will arrive when you start looking after your own needs and recognise him for what he is, and what he has done to you. You do not deserve to be treated in this way, no-one does. Let him know this by caring for yourself first.

I wish you strength.

gainingstrength

Thank you, I'm going to let these words resonate with me.

LeeJane

Gosh, sorry to hear you have so much going on.

I found I had to create my own closure. With such messy situations natural closure doesn't seem to happen.

Yoga

Rather than focussing so much on this person who is using and abusing you, why not focus on YOU and give yourself a break.

He's not that fragile and even if he is,he's not your responsibility.

Take care of you, you deserve it.

redatlanta

Um no.

Alcoholism doesn't make someone cheat. Its true that alcohol reduces inhibitions, but there are plenty of married alcoholics that have never cheated on their spouses because its just something they won't do.

You've given him a hall pass on multiple "cheats" due to his mental issues and addiction. You neither owed him, nor d you have to swallow that very large pill because you feel bad for him.

I couldn't stay with anyone who cheated on me adding multiple times and I would be crazy - always waiting for the next time.

Additionally, you mentioned that things had turned violent. Take that as the last red flag that you need - move along. You have your closure, he has moved in with someone else. Personally I wouldn't trust him if he moved in with my 100 year old grandmother that he wasn't trying to hop in the sack with her.

You aren't a doormat.

Lilro

Yep ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Red hit it on the head again!

Be good to YOU. Take care of YOU. Focus on YOU.
once a cheat, always a cheat. I firmly believe that. Throw in the rest of his issues and yikes! You deserve better my friend. I know it's painful. Take a deep breath and move forward.
You've got this!
Ro

Ariesagain

What they said...and also, he's having sex with her, guaranteed.

There are all kinds of addicts...some are good people with a bad problem. Some are bad people with a bad problem. And some are bad people who have learned to pass as good people who use their bad problem as an excuse to do anything they feel like doing no matter who gets hurt. Your ex sounds like one of those.

Move and get on with your life...you deserve so much better.

gainingstrength

Thank you. I knew/know I've just been acting like a doormat, but it helps to write it down so those sad truths glare at me. I've enjoyed al anon so far. It has shown me how toxic I've become, but definitely provides hope.

I'm not blaming the cheating on alcoholism, particularly because he indulged in meth. Go on weekend benders and that's when the cheating would occur. I believe it's a host of problems for him (drug/sex addiction, bipolar). But calling them diseases was hurtful to me. I'm not disputing that it is, but stating that they don't have control over what they do also makes them victims who need love and grace. I think I clung to that for a long time, trying to rationalize.

But agreed, I'm slowly starting to work on me. Still in the first step of becoming aware.

gainingstrength

And frankly, I'm extremely pissed off. He got into a really nice treatment center, w/o insurance, for free. Got out and people gave him a decent amount of money to get back on his feet, although he didn't need it. Has numerous prestigious job offers later this month.

Everyone came to his rescue to scoop him up and coddle him, like always. It's like he has no repercussions, only damaging me further, and I suppose working through recovery. How can he do so many damaging things and come out on top? Frustrating.

atalose

Absolutely not. He doesn’t NEED your support as much as YOU NEED to offer it.

Time to focus on you and your wises. Why unacceptable behavior was acceptable to you and kept you going back for more of it, even today your thinking of taking one more lap in the old cesspool by offering YOUR support.

Accept it's over and focus on you!!!

gainingstrength

Thank you. Hard to hear, but it's the truth.

hope778

gainingstrength - Sorry for what brings you here. Welcome. Let me start by saying I agree with a lot of what has been said. As you can see, you're not alone!

It took me a while to come to understand the points I am about to make. I hope they help you.


I couldn't (and still can't) wrap my brain around how anyone can be so wonderful on the surface but every year or so he has a breakdown or something. -- He has demons that will always be there. From what I have personally seen and also read from recovering addicts, 100% consistent and unending active recovery is the way to stop the cycle and gain control over these demons. Unfortunately, the cycle could very well continue for the rest of his life. I sympathize with you, because I hurt when my AH hurts. I know his hurt is real, and I understand he has demons too that he likely feels are out of his control right now. But, he has help available. He has to work, and keep working, though, to gain continued control of his life. The disease is "cunning, baffling, and powerful" as they say, and a lot of the time cannot be clearly understood or explained.

I wanted to investigate and find out why. -- Don't. This will hurt you, and you only. I know because I did it too many times.

Fast forward to this past March when I found he was using and cheating for like the fourth/fifth time. Things got a little violent, I said hateful things, kicked him out, the usual. -- When you reach a point of not reacting this way you will know you have reached a strong point in your own recovery. The emotions and strong feelings you likely felt that triggered your reaction will dissipate or, rather, be better put in their place, and you will really feel and understand that reacting on them will get you nowhere.

He got out of rehab, thought we could live together again since he was in recovery. Unfortunately, I have too much hurt, resentment and honestly hate in my heart, and because he's so fragile we decided he should move out again. -- This was a difficult decision you made, but very good!

They say recovering addicts aren't supposed to make big changes and I feel guilty forcing him out. So, my question is, do I reach out and support him, and if so, how? AND I def don't think it's a romantic relationship, but it is a relationship where he's playing house, possibly almost motherly. But, is it okay to cut off communication? I don't want to add more trauma to an already insane situation. -- You are focusing on how your actions might affect him. This is beautiful in a healthy relationship - you put his needs before your own. And he should do the same. Unfortunately this is not a healthy relationship, and it has reached a point where you have to look internally and understand how your decisions affect you, not him. This doesn't mean you don't love him. I think your actions over time have proven your love for him.

I would say you could support from a distance, if you want. I am in a similar situation where my AH is not living with me anymore. He is wandering, and really has nothing to his name. He knows I am here if he is ready to choose to go somewhere for help, but I am no longer a resource he can use for facilitating his addiction. He is a good person too, but I reached a very unhealthy point and couldn't go on in the relationship anymore the way it was going.

gainingstrength

Hope - what you said about his demons is 100% accurate. It's so sad that it's going to be a lifelong struggle. Fortunately for him he has the most support from friends, family, even strangers that I've ever seen & he is dedicated to his recovery. Which is beautiful, but I find myself feeling extremely resentful and jealous of this. No one reached out to me, not even a phone call to see if I was okay, although they supposedly "loved" me too and thought of me as family. Just seems incredibly cruel. Over the years I've lost most of my support network either because they were tired of hearing me or I was too embarrassed to talk with them since I chose to stay. Dealing with the initial loneliness of this situation is incredibly difficult.

But everyday does get better when I actively choose to focus on myself and the good things I have going for myself. Still jealous that he can screw his life up so bad and still come out with so many opportunities. This especially hurts since we're in the same field and I've done better than him, yet I'm struggling on a prayer to move across the country, take another bar exam and hopefully find a job. But forcing myself to be the best me is the only thing I can focus on.

Thank you again!

Refiner

Good - keep your focus on YOU! Sounds like you'll be very successful. And him? I'll be frank... He sounds like a loser to me. Does he absolutely need a roommate because he doesn't have the money or wherewithal to live on his own or something? I was SHOCKED when you said that YOU were the one who felt guilty (when telling him to move out when there shouldn't be any big changes) when he was CHEATING ON YOU than moves in with another woman who's also an A??? This has disaster written all over it. You dodged a HUGE bullet with that guy IMO. Wow, what an early and important life lesson for you! You, my dear, are one of the LUCKY ones.
PS: if his need for a roommate is financial, there are plenty of male roommates available.

gainingstrength

He said he moved in with another person because he couldn't trust himself not to relapse if he lived on his own. I think because the cheating/using happened back in March, and he did a 30 days in treatment, and is dedicated to his recovery program, I appreciated that and wanted to support him, and felt guilty for kicking him out. And I also have a lot of pity for him. I can see the hurt in him way clearer than he can and although that's not an excuse for creating addiction, I empathize. Unfortunately, although that's true, thinking that way is just a method of rationalizing and justifying staying with him or helping him, which is not okay for me to do.

I honestly don't think there's a romantic relationship there, but even if there was it's not my business. I don't plan to get back in bed with him. But, it does sting. I think he's staying there for free in return for helping out with the airbnb guests and doing gardening work, which is good for him since he has to keep up our lease too. Currently he's living on student loans so he doesn't have much money and no job while trying to re-do his law school exams he missed.

Thank you for saying I'm one of the lucky ones, however the range of traumatic events over the years does not make me feel that way. But once this is behind me I'll likely believe that. All we can do is have hope and faith for today!