What to do?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 1
What to do?
My husband is an alcoholic. Before we got married, I thought he was just sad so he wanted to drink. I only found out that he has been an alcoholic since he was 19 years old right after our wedding.
We moved to WA few months ago, he asked for permission to start smoking pot and promised he would give up alcohol (he did give up scotch, whiskey, wine but not beer). I have done some researches and seems marijuana has less bad influences to health and attitude. His attitude is getting a lot better at least he is not hostile/ sad/ angry all the time. But he smokes everyday and night and it seems he already developed another addiction. Other than that, he would drink at least 12 cans of beer (min) whenever he has no work that day (he can work from home one day every week). That means he would drink minimum 36 cans a week, plus 4 packs of cigarettes a week and pot everyday. He also developed addiction to chips and sodas. He would eat 2 bag of chips + countless candies and chocolate and sodas. He only eats very little normal meal that I prepared every day.
He also sleeps a lot and refuses to go out or do anything at all. I honestly don't know how to deal with him. I already lost interest in talking to him or doing anything with him. I do not want to end my marriage, all I want is a healthy relationship.
I just wanna know if this means he is still a alcoholic and became a marijuana addict too?
We moved to WA few months ago, he asked for permission to start smoking pot and promised he would give up alcohol (he did give up scotch, whiskey, wine but not beer). I have done some researches and seems marijuana has less bad influences to health and attitude. His attitude is getting a lot better at least he is not hostile/ sad/ angry all the time. But he smokes everyday and night and it seems he already developed another addiction. Other than that, he would drink at least 12 cans of beer (min) whenever he has no work that day (he can work from home one day every week). That means he would drink minimum 36 cans a week, plus 4 packs of cigarettes a week and pot everyday. He also developed addiction to chips and sodas. He would eat 2 bag of chips + countless candies and chocolate and sodas. He only eats very little normal meal that I prepared every day.
He also sleeps a lot and refuses to go out or do anything at all. I honestly don't know how to deal with him. I already lost interest in talking to him or doing anything with him. I do not want to end my marriage, all I want is a healthy relationship.
I just wanna know if this means he is still a alcoholic and became a marijuana addict too?
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Trading one drug for another is standard addict behavior. Except he's not really trading one for another, he's just supplementing his drinking with marijuana. Alcohol is alcohol - ethanol is the same in beer, wine, spirits, cider, you name it. The only difference is the amount he needs to drink to get the same amount of ethanol.
As far as his junk food 'addiction', it's not an addiction, it's a side effect of the combination of reducing his ethanol intake and smoking marijuana. Alcohol is one of the highest calorie 'food' items that you can put in your body. If he's been reducing his alcohol intake, his body isn't getting nearly as many calories as it was before and his brain sends out a craving signal to find a source of food that is calorie-rich. Compounding that, smoking marijuana has the common side effect of making people hungry yet lazy, which manifests itself in the form of urges for ready-to-eat snack foods.
In response to your last question, if somebody is an alcoholic they are an alcoholic for life. Recovery isn't a magic wand that suddenly makes somebody not an alcoholic after a certain amount of time; it is a lifelong matter of abstinence and diligence because the drug has caused a lifelong change to the individual's body chemistry, and that person will never be able to 'drink like a normal person' without eventually relapsing into problematic behavior. So your husband is an alcoholic who is abusing a secondary drug.
As far as his junk food 'addiction', it's not an addiction, it's a side effect of the combination of reducing his ethanol intake and smoking marijuana. Alcohol is one of the highest calorie 'food' items that you can put in your body. If he's been reducing his alcohol intake, his body isn't getting nearly as many calories as it was before and his brain sends out a craving signal to find a source of food that is calorie-rich. Compounding that, smoking marijuana has the common side effect of making people hungry yet lazy, which manifests itself in the form of urges for ready-to-eat snack foods.
In response to your last question, if somebody is an alcoholic they are an alcoholic for life. Recovery isn't a magic wand that suddenly makes somebody not an alcoholic after a certain amount of time; it is a lifelong matter of abstinence and diligence because the drug has caused a lifelong change to the individual's body chemistry, and that person will never be able to 'drink like a normal person' without eventually relapsing into problematic behavior. So your husband is an alcoholic who is abusing a secondary drug.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
As far as advice that I can give you, I would recommend that you look into attending an Al-Anon meeting in your area. Not to be confused with AA (which is for alcoholics), Al-Anon is a support group for people who have been affected by somebody else's drinking. They follow similar teachings to AA, but with more of a focus on giving you the mental tools to help you focus on your own behaviors and how those behaviors influence your state of mind and serenity, as well as the dynamic of your relationship.
I understand the whole 'wanting a healthy relationship,' but the not-quite-soft truth is that it takes the contributions of two healthy people to make a healthy relationship, and if one partner doesn't want to live in a healthy way, (a) that is their right as an adult to choose how they want to live, and (b) no matter how hard you contribute from your end, you can't make up for a lack of contribution from the other side of the relationship. Guilt tripping, debating with them, trying to convince them with logic or appealing to emotion doesn't work with an addict. Addicts only get better when they come to the decision on their own that they want to get better at any cost. Usually that mental process only happens once the addict has reached a place so low in their life that the phrase 'rock bottom' applies.
I understand the whole 'wanting a healthy relationship,' but the not-quite-soft truth is that it takes the contributions of two healthy people to make a healthy relationship, and if one partner doesn't want to live in a healthy way, (a) that is their right as an adult to choose how they want to live, and (b) no matter how hard you contribute from your end, you can't make up for a lack of contribution from the other side of the relationship. Guilt tripping, debating with them, trying to convince them with logic or appealing to emotion doesn't work with an addict. Addicts only get better when they come to the decision on their own that they want to get better at any cost. Usually that mental process only happens once the addict has reached a place so low in their life that the phrase 'rock bottom' applies.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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I'm so sorry that you're here. But this is a good place. Speaking for myself, I feel a little less lost when I'm here.
Others with way more experience and wisdom will chime in soon (just like Thomas45), but I'll say this - it takes two people to make a marriage and a healthy relationship. You can't be doing this on your own.
Some people disconnect from a marriage in different ways - sometimes through an affair, an internet addiction, pot, booze, whatever. Both partners have to be present. He has to make an active effort to be in the marriage, just like you are. It's not fair to you if you're the one doing the heavy lifting. He can't rely on booze or pot or whatever to support his end of the bargain. He HIMSELF has to do it.
Speaking from my own experience, my sister smoked pot and drank for a long long time. She swears now that she's quit, but she still very much has an addict's personality. When my mom threatened suicide and got admitted to ER, my sister said, "I'm sorry, but I can't help but laugh." She is also very angry and hostile whenever you say no to her. She's living with my parents after she got into an affair with a heavy pot smoker/enabler and busted up her marriage.
My cousin also abused pot mightily and sent the mother of his child to the hospital and his younger siblings into foster care.
So just as with any substance, people's reactions may vary (Heck, I also know of somebody who finds it impossible to fall asleep when she takes Benadryl!). What you read on paper may not necessarily hold true in real life.
But I think it's safe to say that if one is relying on drugs to get through the day, there's trouble ahead.
That said, how are YOU coping? You sound so busy taking care of him, it sounds like you haven't taken care of yourself...
Others with way more experience and wisdom will chime in soon (just like Thomas45), but I'll say this - it takes two people to make a marriage and a healthy relationship. You can't be doing this on your own.
Some people disconnect from a marriage in different ways - sometimes through an affair, an internet addiction, pot, booze, whatever. Both partners have to be present. He has to make an active effort to be in the marriage, just like you are. It's not fair to you if you're the one doing the heavy lifting. He can't rely on booze or pot or whatever to support his end of the bargain. He HIMSELF has to do it.
I have done some researches and seems marijuana has less bad influences to health and attitude.
My cousin also abused pot mightily and sent the mother of his child to the hospital and his younger siblings into foster care.
So just as with any substance, people's reactions may vary (Heck, I also know of somebody who finds it impossible to fall asleep when she takes Benadryl!). What you read on paper may not necessarily hold true in real life.
But I think it's safe to say that if one is relying on drugs to get through the day, there's trouble ahead.
That said, how are YOU coping? You sound so busy taking care of him, it sounds like you haven't taken care of yourself...
Last edited by PuzzledHeart; 07-06-2016 at 07:03 PM. Reason: Repeated idea that I didn't catch until I posted. Yikes!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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We moved to WA few months ago, he asked for permission to start smoking pot and promised he would give up alcohol (he did give up scotch, whiskey, wine but not beer). I have done some researches and seems marijuana has less bad influences to health and attitude.
This is a very interesting statement to me. He asked you for "permission". You aren't his mother, you are his wife. I assume you gave it the green light based on what you wrote. He has now lasso'd you into responsibility for his addiction. If you have a problem with whom he has become guess who gets blamed? YOU.
I strongly suggest you look for an Al Anon meeting in your area and start working the steps. You cannot control or cure your husband's addiction. You can't manage it, you can't pick a drug that is less "hassle' than another. Perhaps he isn't as sloppy with his pot smoking as he was with his drinking. Except now he won't get out of bed and has 24/7 munchies surviving on chips and soda and crap (that will cause its own issues).
. I do not want to end my marriage, all I want is a healthy relationship. That's what everyone wants who comes here. You don't even want to talk to him at this point, and I don't blame you. You'll need to start working on yourself here - and take the focus off him. Figure out what you want out of life, figure out how to lay boundaries in your relationship, figure out if you can live with things as is.
This is a very interesting statement to me. He asked you for "permission". You aren't his mother, you are his wife. I assume you gave it the green light based on what you wrote. He has now lasso'd you into responsibility for his addiction. If you have a problem with whom he has become guess who gets blamed? YOU.
I strongly suggest you look for an Al Anon meeting in your area and start working the steps. You cannot control or cure your husband's addiction. You can't manage it, you can't pick a drug that is less "hassle' than another. Perhaps he isn't as sloppy with his pot smoking as he was with his drinking. Except now he won't get out of bed and has 24/7 munchies surviving on chips and soda and crap (that will cause its own issues).
. I do not want to end my marriage, all I want is a healthy relationship. That's what everyone wants who comes here. You don't even want to talk to him at this point, and I don't blame you. You'll need to start working on yourself here - and take the focus off him. Figure out what you want out of life, figure out how to lay boundaries in your relationship, figure out if you can live with things as is.
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