Veronica

(I’m starting a new post as Part II b/c I desperately need advice – sorry this is so long)

Turns out my AH met a girl, Meg, on the internet who lives in Georgia - it wasn't a random trip afterall. Long story short, I confronted my AH about Meg on the phone – he denied, denied, denied. I talked to Meg on the phone and basically spilled the beans (which my AH later confirmed) - there was no intimacy whatsoever (she said she wasn't physically attracted to my AH), they were just friends (she said he needed someone to talk to), he slept on the couch and they basically spent the weekend going to bars, drinking and talking. She did not know he was an alcoholic – my AH told her that I had filed for divorce and that he was an emotional wreck b/c it was final in 4 more months.

As soon as my AH flew back into town, he drove over to our house, crying and begging me to forgive him. At that point, I had shut off emotionally, but I listened to what he had to say. He:
• apologized profusely (heard this before)
• recognized the error of his ways (heard this before)
• cursed the alcohol (heard this before)
• promised to get sober (heard this before)
• said that he never realized how much he needs me (heard this before)
• said that he will do anything to keep me (heard this before)
• said that I am the only one who truly cares about him (heard this before)

As you can see, I have heard all of this before. I believe that he did not have an affair (though I have an overactive imagination that haunts me) and I believe that he went to GA to have a drinking buddy. I told him that I can no longer rely on what he says ONLY what he does – I don't care what he says, just SHOW ME! So, last night he:
• called a recovering friend for help (something he has never done before)
• told the truth about everything to the recovering friend (something he has never done before)
• set up a network of support (something he has never done before)
• started calling the network and arranging a meeting for tonight (something he has never done before)
• got down on his knees and prayed (something he has never done before)

I’ve decided that he has 6 months to get his act together, stop drinking and treat me the way I want to be treated or I am filing for divorce (in VA, you have to be separated 6 months before you can file – so really, there is nothing else I can do at this point).

Here’s my dilemma…right now it’s all roses (and it always is for 4 days after the binge). He wants to spend time together and I want to spend time with him too! Am I weak? Am I pathetic? Am I stupid for thinking things may really change this time? I am making him keep his apartment (not negotiable), but last night I let him spend the night. What if I make him keep the apartment, give him another change by letting him stay over and if he blows it, then in 6 months I can file for divorce?

I don’t know what to do. My AH flew to another state to hang out with another women. He joined a singles website (which he cancelled yesterday) and he has been talking/emailing other women, which he had promised he would never do again. I’m afraid of losing all self respect and the respect of my family and friends…yet, I feel sorry for my AH, believe his sincerity (again) and I want to give him “one” more chance (more like the hundreth chance)…yep, I’m a codie (though I am working on my own recovery and making progress).

I would love to hear others thoughts, advice and experience. Please share!

Lorelai

Veronica -
I wish I could give you an answer. I was in the same place. I knew that the situation I was in was not a good one. I couldn't leave it though. I told one of my friends that there was no solution. I was miserable.

The only thing that has helped me was to start working on myself. It was a long process but very much worth the time. I had to get my head together, figure out what MY problems were, address the problems and become sane again. Once I did that, I was in much better shape to make major decisions about my life.

I suggest that you go to a meeting, read some literature and keep reading and posting here. The answers you are looking for are within you. You just have to be willing to do the work to find them.

Whether you decide to take him back or not right now is not the important thing. The important thing is that you find your peace. You'll be glad you did.
L

Disappointed

Veronica,
I have heard the same list of things from my AH so many times.. One time after one his binges and hearing the same things again, I asked him why he says all those things and never follows through with any of them. This was his response.."I tell you what you want to hear." That really opened up my ears, so now I don't believe anything that comes from his lips!! Over the past many years, my AH has went to counseling, no AA meetings that would be to much for him to do, he has talked to our pastor, but nothing has worked for him so far. I keep hoping he will sober up before it's too late. The only true thing he has said to me is "I like to drink and no one is going to make me quit." I hope your AH makes good on all those things.. That's all we have is HOPE!!!!!

skyleh

This is also what mine said..he said it in counseling as well He said he tells me what I want to hear..cools things off for a while till I start feeling better and then he goes back to doing what he always has..because he knows I wont say anything till I blow.

When he begs me to stay or is mad at me for preparing to leave he says..but I WAS going to stop all of that...I say..BUT you didn't...saying and doing are two different things.

I think you have hope because he is doing what he says..finally..starting too..but that is all you can go by..what he does not what he says.

I do have to say...I don't think the online matching and dating issues is related to the alcohol...I know its not for mine...its just an excuse. Keep working on your recovery and remember to watch his actions. Take care of you and your HP will help you. Good luck

Aquiana

I had a problem with my bf using dating websites in the first few months of dating. He said it was just fun and meant nothing. Luckily I was much better at computers than he was so I made myself the system admin and blocked most of the major dating websites off my computer. He now needs a password to get in them. Take that! He hasn't complained.

Veronica

Thank you all for your insight. A friend of mine said that she didn't think the online dating/porn were related to alcohol either. My AH adamently says he only does those things when he is drunk... Am I in denial to believe he is telling the truth? He's closed the account and has been profusely apologizing (even bought me my favorite flowers yesterday - something he has NEVER done). He says that he has finally realized how badly he has been treating me, how lucky he is to have me and how sorry he is for what he has done. The past three days, he has been a new man! It's unlike anything I have ever seen - even in his past moments of sobriety. He's being the husband he once promised to be AND he has stopped relying on his own will power to stay sober (he's praying on his knees twice a day and today he called people he met last night at an all men's meeting - I can't believe it!). It's only been three days, but I have hope again. My family and friend (only one friend knows) think I am setting myself up for another roller coaster ride. I'm embarrassed to admit, I am giving him "one more chance." Is that a sign I am dong something wrong? I truly believe my AH...again...but I know the realities of alcoholism, so I'm waiting to see what his actions says, not his words.

sweeks

I don't think that's wrong at all. The only way to go wrong is to base your happiness on his sobriety. Al-anon if you decide to go is more about your recovery than his. You're not weak or pathetic you're strong and hopefull. Again I don't think that's bad unless you're hapiness hinges on his sobriety. So here's to hope, second (and third and fourth ) chances, and our own recovery! Best Wishes!

katgirl

Well i dont post much here.. but know form experince with my Ah that they do some weird things when they get drunk .. and when sober is a whole different ballgame..instead of listening to friends listen to your heart

skyleh

I don't think its wrong to believe your AH and believe in him and your relationship. If you beleive then go with it..I am truly happy for you and will hope for the best for you. Send some prayers your way. Your own instincts are what you need to listen to...if you start doubting..start getting the icky feeling in your gut..then trust it too...and don't ignore it. You know better than anyone. Good luck to you.

Hope, our gut and our HP are all we have..believe in it.!!!

tootiredmom

I posted on your first thread and read all the posts there and here. I find it very interesting how quickly, on the first thread, everyone was to say dump his behind, and now everyone seems to want to tell you that chances are okay. I think you need to do what you want to do, regardless of what anyone here says. We aren't in your house and in your skin. What I said to you in the first thread still stands and that is, don't think it can't get worse, because it will and don't think you can't be happier, because you can. Forgiveness is a wonderful gift and a person who can give it is an extraordinary person. Keeping hate and resentment in your heart only kills you slowly from the inside out. So, again, do what is best for you. Love yourself, live knowing your purpose and be someone you would want your daughter to emulate.

Veronica

TTM - I read your posting on the previous post first...thinking the whole time - she is so right...she must not have seen part II yet.... =) Everyone thank you for your support and encouragement. It's been a strange four days (today is day 4). My AH is like a new man - I have never seen anything like it. He's been sober before and promised that things would "different", but until now he has never taken steps to stay sober or shown me how appreciated I am. I feel like a newly wed again!

I've been struggling with everything that has happened, but the recent changes I have seen in my AH have truly encouraged me. I've decided to let go of the past - all of it. Over the last 2 years, I have struggled with forgiving my husband and today I was ready to release all of the pain - including everything that happened this past weekend. I have decided that my AH must keep his apartment (despite the drain on his/our finances) for six months. I have also decided he can spend the night at home, so long as he does not cross my boundaries (which I basically adopted from Codependency No More) - I set new boundaries today and I refuse to let them be crossed. If crossed, he has to move back to his apartment. I've forgiven him, but I don't have to allow him to hurt me ever again. I am strong enough now that I can walk away if I need to.

Thanks again everyone for reading my insanely long post and providing me with much need advice and encouragement.

Veronica

And btw, tootiredmom - I read your post this morning after I had just forgiven my AH. Your words on forgiveness were truly an affirmation and encouragement to me. Thank you!