The Long (Short) Goodbye
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 109
She's definitely trying all the tricks in the book hey? I hope you're feeling strong enough to not respond. And I hope she starts to learn the life changing lessons around this experience now that she doesn't have you enabling her anymore. Once she's completely gone are you planning to tell her you want NC?
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Thank you for posting this, Wells. Today I have been out for 6 weeks. I also am questioning myself- was it really so bad? It was. No DUIs, he had a great job- and he is an alcoholic. Most of the time nice but enough times- manipulative and mean. I decided today that one time of manipulative and mean is enough. After over 33 years of marriage for the first time ever, he said he was going to quit drinking completely. But at the age of 62, I no longer want to play Russian Roulette with my life. Hang in Wells, better days are ahead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Thanks gals and guys.
It's hard because when you don' t deal with it for a week, or even a few days, you start to question it. Then you remember. The feelings you felt when they drank excessively. Or left and never came home. Or treated you in a mean way after drinking, or after you questioned it.
I think back to that, and I remember why I had to do what I did. I loved having someone here. Someone to talk to. Someone to walk the dog with. A dog . A person to be next to me in the bed at night. A person to watch a favorite TV show or a movie with. I loved, adored all those things.
I just could not continue to love all those things among chaos, drunk behavior, disappearance, non-care of events that happened around us revolving around drinking, etc. I have to remember, there were good things in our lives. But, the bad things are not things I should have to live with. And I will not live with them another day. I had to take a stand for myself. What she was doing, was not okay. She put the booze before us and made it clear that it was drinking that was more important than me.
I need to remember this, any time I get a text, call, photo, or a thought that I am doing the wrong thing. She decided being able to drink a bunch of wine, beer, or whatever, was more important than being in a relationship with me.
It's hard because when you don' t deal with it for a week, or even a few days, you start to question it. Then you remember. The feelings you felt when they drank excessively. Or left and never came home. Or treated you in a mean way after drinking, or after you questioned it.
I think back to that, and I remember why I had to do what I did. I loved having someone here. Someone to talk to. Someone to walk the dog with. A dog . A person to be next to me in the bed at night. A person to watch a favorite TV show or a movie with. I loved, adored all those things.
I just could not continue to love all those things among chaos, drunk behavior, disappearance, non-care of events that happened around us revolving around drinking, etc. I have to remember, there were good things in our lives. But, the bad things are not things I should have to live with. And I will not live with them another day. I had to take a stand for myself. What she was doing, was not okay. She put the booze before us and made it clear that it was drinking that was more important than me.
I need to remember this, any time I get a text, call, photo, or a thought that I am doing the wrong thing. She decided being able to drink a bunch of wine, beer, or whatever, was more important than being in a relationship with me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wells.....do whatever it takes to get you through the day.....
she sure is trying to push on your sadness buttons.....especially with the dog and the stuffed animal....that is just soo transparent!
dandylion
she sure is trying to push on your sadness buttons.....especially with the dog and the stuffed animal....that is just soo transparent!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
My family doc told me when I was still married that" being with an alcoholic was like having a bright,red, racecar- with no engine in it." 
I had to go no contact- and it was hell but the only way to pull myself out of the downward spiral. I divorced a man I deeply loved. We did not speak for 3 yrs. He called me Valentine's day 3 yrs. ago. I called him back the following day. We made amends as friends . He had moved 5 hrs. away and I drove down to help him get to doctors and the grocery store and get meds. etc. I went about every 6 weeks for 2 yrs. I do not regret anything. He was a good man with a bad disease. He died last Aug. I still and always will love him.
I had to go no contact- and it was hell but the only way to pull myself out of the downward spiral. I divorced a man I deeply loved. We did not speak for 3 yrs. He called me Valentine's day 3 yrs. ago. I called him back the following day. We made amends as friends . He had moved 5 hrs. away and I drove down to help him get to doctors and the grocery store and get meds. etc. I went about every 6 weeks for 2 yrs. I do not regret anything. He was a good man with a bad disease. He died last Aug. I still and always will love him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Here come those tears again.
The long/short goodbye continues as she's popping in for more carloads of stuff.
Of course, I fully realize why it is playing out this way. If she put her mind to it, she could have every little item of hers out of here except heavy furniture by the end of the day. But then she knows it is the last time she will set foot inside of this house. The reason for contact stops. The door closes for good.
And yes I also realize by allowing it to continue I'm falling into my codie trap and all that stuff. No contact works and while the move is going on, I can't be doing it. It's been sad, civil, fair and without incident. I have read so many stories on here of turmoil and anger and violence and things when these relationships fall apart. This has just gone smoothly. I have no reason to want to give an ultimatum right now because I'll take peace over war any day of the week. And she always now checks in before she comes over, asks permission and I have the chance to clear out. I should have today. She got me.
She was only here for maybe 10 minutes to load up the car and grab the food she had bought from the freezer. She "has nothing to eat" at her house of course.
This is what broke my heart though. After being fully upbeat in our past few interactions, the facade finally broke. "The dog is so depressed", she said and out came a flood of tears. "She only gets excited when my mom visits, when it's just us she lays around. She hates it there. " More tears and struggle. "Do you want her?" she asked. I know many of you would tell me to jump at the chance but this is emotion talking. I told her no. I gave her a hug (I know, trap trap trap) but I am just able to put up a wall in front of someone I have loved for 10 years when I really see them hurting. "I just want to stop." she said. I told her I don't know what else to do. She said "It's not your fault. I did this." She had to get back to the dog, she said, and left.
Yep, she got me.
I know it's manipulative but I also think it is genuine. You just get to know someone over the years and this wasn't her playing a sympathy game. This today was genuine sorrow and regret. That dog was so happy with us as a family unit together. She will never be the same. My gosh, you folks who had to split due to this disease with a child in the middle, getting pulled and pushed towards the opposite parent...what a unthinkable sadness.
Such a horrible disease, I'm so sad for what it's doing to her, to me, even to the dog. Sigh.
I have hope that this is a turning point for her but you just can't be sure. One fork of the road will start the pattern over, with new friends, a new guy, more booze, to numb all of the pain. That is certainly the easy way out for her.
The hard path is to start her recovery. I have no idea what she will choose or what she'll be doing as I need to get into NC. Maybe this time, for her sake, and even for her dog's sake, she'll try something different for a change.
The long/short goodbye continues as she's popping in for more carloads of stuff.
Of course, I fully realize why it is playing out this way. If she put her mind to it, she could have every little item of hers out of here except heavy furniture by the end of the day. But then she knows it is the last time she will set foot inside of this house. The reason for contact stops. The door closes for good.
And yes I also realize by allowing it to continue I'm falling into my codie trap and all that stuff. No contact works and while the move is going on, I can't be doing it. It's been sad, civil, fair and without incident. I have read so many stories on here of turmoil and anger and violence and things when these relationships fall apart. This has just gone smoothly. I have no reason to want to give an ultimatum right now because I'll take peace over war any day of the week. And she always now checks in before she comes over, asks permission and I have the chance to clear out. I should have today. She got me.
She was only here for maybe 10 minutes to load up the car and grab the food she had bought from the freezer. She "has nothing to eat" at her house of course.
This is what broke my heart though. After being fully upbeat in our past few interactions, the facade finally broke. "The dog is so depressed", she said and out came a flood of tears. "She only gets excited when my mom visits, when it's just us she lays around. She hates it there. " More tears and struggle. "Do you want her?" she asked. I know many of you would tell me to jump at the chance but this is emotion talking. I told her no. I gave her a hug (I know, trap trap trap) but I am just able to put up a wall in front of someone I have loved for 10 years when I really see them hurting. "I just want to stop." she said. I told her I don't know what else to do. She said "It's not your fault. I did this." She had to get back to the dog, she said, and left.
Yep, she got me.
I know it's manipulative but I also think it is genuine. You just get to know someone over the years and this wasn't her playing a sympathy game. This today was genuine sorrow and regret. That dog was so happy with us as a family unit together. She will never be the same. My gosh, you folks who had to split due to this disease with a child in the middle, getting pulled and pushed towards the opposite parent...what a unthinkable sadness.
Such a horrible disease, I'm so sad for what it's doing to her, to me, even to the dog. Sigh.
I have hope that this is a turning point for her but you just can't be sure. One fork of the road will start the pattern over, with new friends, a new guy, more booze, to numb all of the pain. That is certainly the easy way out for her.
The hard path is to start her recovery. I have no idea what she will choose or what she'll be doing as I need to get into NC. Maybe this time, for her sake, and even for her dog's sake, she'll try something different for a change.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Good Morning, Wells.
I hope today brings renewed hope and movement forward for you. Ten years is a long time, and you will have a whole series of emotions again and again. I think you are doing well, considering all that's gone on. You seem like a good, caring soul, and those are the ones who get hurt the most.
In time it will all make sense to you, and you'll know you did the right thing. But, today is a new day, and another chance to make another step forward.
COD
I hope today brings renewed hope and movement forward for you. Ten years is a long time, and you will have a whole series of emotions again and again. I think you are doing well, considering all that's gone on. You seem like a good, caring soul, and those are the ones who get hurt the most.
In time it will all make sense to you, and you'll know you did the right thing. But, today is a new day, and another chance to make another step forward.
COD
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Wells
At this point in my life, I am starting to separate the loneliness I feel sometimes from my ex. In other words, when I start missing "him" I am missing just having someone around to talk to, etc... We separated because we had turned into roommates.
The need for companionship is a very human condition. You will get lonely sometimes.
Incidentally, I left 3 dogs, a large number of cats and all my plants. My ex told me I could visit. I tried that a few times, but he always used it as an opportunity to snipe. I haven't seen him or them for over a year.
Keep coming back!
At this point in my life, I am starting to separate the loneliness I feel sometimes from my ex. In other words, when I start missing "him" I am missing just having someone around to talk to, etc... We separated because we had turned into roommates.
The need for companionship is a very human condition. You will get lonely sometimes.
Incidentally, I left 3 dogs, a large number of cats and all my plants. My ex told me I could visit. I tried that a few times, but he always used it as an opportunity to snipe. I haven't seen him or them for over a year.
Keep coming back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Thanks everyone. I am doing ok. It is just as hard to leave your ex as it is to leave your pets I think. Never thought I'd feel that way. It truly did break my heart when she told me how depressed the dog is. I spent so much time with that dog. I know that animals recover, and she will be fine, but my heart just goes out to innocent bystanders who are in the middle of this. The family members, the kids, the pets. I played my part by fostering this relationship for so long and letting it continue as it did. I'm just sad it's hurting such a good little pooch.
And with that, yes, I see her regret and her tears and it hurts me too. I don't think she wants to live her life this way. I just don't think she knows a path forward to stopping. She has based SO Much of her life on alcohol. Practically every activity outside of work, outside of home, centered on alcohol in the spotlight. Even home life, once the weekend was here, when it was time to do anything -- Clean, take a bath, read a book, sit on the porch -- Was supplemented with alcohol. How terrifying the idea of suddenly doing EVERYTHING without something that was there with her must be.
I don't know what will happen next but I'm scared that the bottle will continue to be the only way out she sees. I know she is hurting now. She needs to get a clear head and realize it's time for a change. But that is such a hard step for her. It's so much easier for her to pick up another 12 pack on the way home and nurse it until bedtime. It's so much easier to call up her friends and go to the bar and drink until it's time to pass out and bury the sadness. It's so much easier to go on dating sites and get interest and attention from new men who will compliment her and wine/dine her allowing her self-esteem to rise. That's all so much easier for her. Why would she want to change?
And with that, yes, I see her regret and her tears and it hurts me too. I don't think she wants to live her life this way. I just don't think she knows a path forward to stopping. She has based SO Much of her life on alcohol. Practically every activity outside of work, outside of home, centered on alcohol in the spotlight. Even home life, once the weekend was here, when it was time to do anything -- Clean, take a bath, read a book, sit on the porch -- Was supplemented with alcohol. How terrifying the idea of suddenly doing EVERYTHING without something that was there with her must be.
I don't know what will happen next but I'm scared that the bottle will continue to be the only way out she sees. I know she is hurting now. She needs to get a clear head and realize it's time for a change. But that is such a hard step for her. It's so much easier for her to pick up another 12 pack on the way home and nurse it until bedtime. It's so much easier to call up her friends and go to the bar and drink until it's time to pass out and bury the sadness. It's so much easier to go on dating sites and get interest and attention from new men who will compliment her and wine/dine her allowing her self-esteem to rise. That's all so much easier for her. Why would she want to change?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's manipulation b/c she said what she said for herself, and b/c she knew it would reel you in. Keep seeing past it.
Break up is hard business, but you cannot fall for things like this. Be strong.
Hugs.
Break up is hard business, but you cannot fall for things like this. Be strong.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
You may well not have seen the last of the dog. My exah kept my cats. All of them are sleeping on my bed as I type. He couldn't look after himself never mind an animal. They came back to me within 6 months of us splitting. Don't read to much negativity into her sending you a video of the dog. She may just have wanted you to know it was OK. My exb/f moved to Europe and left his cat in my care and I send him videos of him quite often. It's purely to make him smile and know he's fine.
Am thinking about you. We are all here for you.
Am thinking about you. We are all here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
IŽm thinking perhaps she told you about the dog and offered to give her to you so sheŽd have that as an excuse to come over. Because how could you refuse to let her visit her dog? And then she could manipulate you into remaining her enabler.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Thanks for all the continued encouragement!
I love my AXGF and I love our/her dog. I just would love for them to get healthy and happy someday and get off this carousel of bad decisions.
I know that any level of continued drinking on her part jeopardizes that, and that being here with me under my roof enables that to continue.
I hope she chooses this time to reflect enough to start a real recovery. I know I hoped for this a year ago too, and it never happened. But that time, I let her stay.
The dog is sort of a mirror for us, really. We never wanted kids so the dog really became the kid that we raised together. So it's sort of an analogy for what's lost, to see the dog suffer and know that the happy home we had tried to build has been torn apart. So I do believe that it makes her emotional and I can see that it's genuine and not the fake water works. I can also see that she would know it's the best way to let her back into my life.
I would love nothing more, but I know I cannot let her back unless she gives up drinking. Such a tough fact to know, but after all the years of experience, I know that opening the door now just leads to eventual disaster.
I also agree that if I took ownership of the dog, there's no way it would not be without the condition she could visit any time (probably even take her back any time, which would be devastation all over again). She loves that dog I think as much as she loves drinking, and she needs her in her life right now.
I hope she is strong enough to at least try and stand herself up without just starting the cycle over again with a new guy. She won't learn anything but it's the short term fix. The dog has a new dad, she's got a new drinking buddy, and she's back into this destructive cycle. If only she would try sobriety, she could achieve so much.
Thanks for everything, everyone - I appreciate the encouragement and support. It was hard to finally say I can't do this anymore, but the more I reflect back, the more I know why we had to. Her actions showed a disrespect for me and a selfish nature even in light of my repetitive proclamations of sadness and despair over what our relationship had become. The answer was always the bottle. I have to remember that, I was never the first priority.
I love my AXGF and I love our/her dog. I just would love for them to get healthy and happy someday and get off this carousel of bad decisions.
I know that any level of continued drinking on her part jeopardizes that, and that being here with me under my roof enables that to continue.
I hope she chooses this time to reflect enough to start a real recovery. I know I hoped for this a year ago too, and it never happened. But that time, I let her stay.
The dog is sort of a mirror for us, really. We never wanted kids so the dog really became the kid that we raised together. So it's sort of an analogy for what's lost, to see the dog suffer and know that the happy home we had tried to build has been torn apart. So I do believe that it makes her emotional and I can see that it's genuine and not the fake water works. I can also see that she would know it's the best way to let her back into my life.
I would love nothing more, but I know I cannot let her back unless she gives up drinking. Such a tough fact to know, but after all the years of experience, I know that opening the door now just leads to eventual disaster.
I also agree that if I took ownership of the dog, there's no way it would not be without the condition she could visit any time (probably even take her back any time, which would be devastation all over again). She loves that dog I think as much as she loves drinking, and she needs her in her life right now.
I hope she is strong enough to at least try and stand herself up without just starting the cycle over again with a new guy. She won't learn anything but it's the short term fix. The dog has a new dad, she's got a new drinking buddy, and she's back into this destructive cycle. If only she would try sobriety, she could achieve so much.
Thanks for everything, everyone - I appreciate the encouragement and support. It was hard to finally say I can't do this anymore, but the more I reflect back, the more I know why we had to. Her actions showed a disrespect for me and a selfish nature even in light of my repetitive proclamations of sadness and despair over what our relationship had become. The answer was always the bottle. I have to remember that, I was never the first priority.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
So, so, so hard Wells!
I can't remember if you have found a meeting you like or if you have gotten a copy of Codependent No-More. Do everything you can to take care of yourself. It is so very easy to think about her and her problems but always best to stay on your side of the street with your own hang-ups, faults and problems.
I'm sending lots of warm fuzzies in your general direction. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.
I can't remember if you have found a meeting you like or if you have gotten a copy of Codependent No-More. Do everything you can to take care of yourself. It is so very easy to think about her and her problems but always best to stay on your side of the street with your own hang-ups, faults and problems.
I'm sending lots of warm fuzzies in your general direction. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
boundaries are for US ! for our serenity,security, and safety..... and the 1st step is the only one you "have" to do- I am powerless.... ! .... I also heard recently I had never heard in a meeting in 25 yrs.- "don't deprive someone of their bottom....."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Figured I'd return to this thread as she finally came for the last of her stuff today. The title became ironic because it actually did turn into a bit longer of a process than I thought it would.
I have to say, it's amazing how different the dynamic of a relationship becomes with a person when you just take the drinking out of the conversation and act like it's not even a factor. After reading so many horror stories here of property abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, financial arguments...we have had absolutely none of those things. It has been the most agreeable we have been to each other in years.
When she is here, she is bright-eyed, early, sober, and respectful. She says and does all the right things. Doesn't show up unannounced, checks to make sure it's okay to come into the house, completely polite. Truly a delight. She has only taken what was hers (I'll note it's amazing how minute of details she remembered on what she paid for, since we never married or combined finances, she's entitled to it all). A larger set of furniture that she didn't have room for, and I do, she sold me at a very fair price. I needed the furniture, she needs the cash. A few remaining large items as well were negotiated without issue. 10 second conversation. Business is over.
The tears which flowed from her during the beginning of the move have gone. Once she realized so much stuff was moved and paperwork was signed that it was a "no turning back" type of situation, I guess reality of the move really happening set in.
It's funny to see how easy, civil, stress-free, drama-free a relationship can be when you no longer have to deal with the alcohol. A bit maudlin in a way, only in that it shows a glimpse of what a normal, civil, partnership should be like. It is the brief peek at the relationship I wanted to have -- Not splitting up stuff and packing boxes, mind you, but just that ability to co-exist in a space without having constant pins and needles feeling in the air.
I'm not sure if I can do this feeling justice, but I recall so many times the tension that was in the air (perhaps self-manufactured, as I continue to learn) when she tried to control the drinking. Those Friday nights where we stayed in for a movie, you could almost reach out and touch the tension in the room, that temptation to run over and uncork that wine bottle in the fridge that was there for company. I will not miss that tension. In hindsight, I realize I manufactured that myself as well, having imaginary fights with myself in my head about it all.
She's making one more trip back and I'm headed into work, it's been so good that I don't even need to watch over her at the house. Her Mom has been here with her helping her. Friendly, conversational, pleasant. I had a twinge at one point of asking ex how she was doing (probably if I went full codie I'd have asked, how are you doing with your drinking?). I did not engage.
Anyway, that's about it for now. The journey becomes mine after this. It took a while for her to finally remove the physical things and let go of her ties to this house, and as well, to me. In the brief interactions she seems to be doing well for herself. Learning a lot of responsibilities of running her own home, keeping it clean, landscaping organized, paying all the bills, etc. She even cuts her own grass (hadn't cut ours once in 10 years). So, this is good for her -- Like a lot of folks say, these codependent relationships can actually hurt the addicts as much as the alcohol does. By enabling her to live a live free of the burden of pretty much everything, there was nothing to worry about except for when the next drinking day was going to be. She has had to step up and become accountable with a lot more on her plate now.
I will be in no contact as I am nowhere near strong enough to want to remain friends, see her or the dog, not out of love, but because it hurts too much to see them. I also realize it would hurt me to see her with someone else and as much as I wish it would not, the love I have for her still is there to the point where her with another guy would hurt me. So I choose to detach from that.
I have a lot of thoughts swirling, may be back with more, but for now, wanted to post where my head was at in the moment.
She still has house keys and a couple items borrowed to drop back off, so we are not at 100%, but we got to 98% today.
I have to say, it's amazing how different the dynamic of a relationship becomes with a person when you just take the drinking out of the conversation and act like it's not even a factor. After reading so many horror stories here of property abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, financial arguments...we have had absolutely none of those things. It has been the most agreeable we have been to each other in years.
When she is here, she is bright-eyed, early, sober, and respectful. She says and does all the right things. Doesn't show up unannounced, checks to make sure it's okay to come into the house, completely polite. Truly a delight. She has only taken what was hers (I'll note it's amazing how minute of details she remembered on what she paid for, since we never married or combined finances, she's entitled to it all). A larger set of furniture that she didn't have room for, and I do, she sold me at a very fair price. I needed the furniture, she needs the cash. A few remaining large items as well were negotiated without issue. 10 second conversation. Business is over.
The tears which flowed from her during the beginning of the move have gone. Once she realized so much stuff was moved and paperwork was signed that it was a "no turning back" type of situation, I guess reality of the move really happening set in.
It's funny to see how easy, civil, stress-free, drama-free a relationship can be when you no longer have to deal with the alcohol. A bit maudlin in a way, only in that it shows a glimpse of what a normal, civil, partnership should be like. It is the brief peek at the relationship I wanted to have -- Not splitting up stuff and packing boxes, mind you, but just that ability to co-exist in a space without having constant pins and needles feeling in the air.
I'm not sure if I can do this feeling justice, but I recall so many times the tension that was in the air (perhaps self-manufactured, as I continue to learn) when she tried to control the drinking. Those Friday nights where we stayed in for a movie, you could almost reach out and touch the tension in the room, that temptation to run over and uncork that wine bottle in the fridge that was there for company. I will not miss that tension. In hindsight, I realize I manufactured that myself as well, having imaginary fights with myself in my head about it all.
She's making one more trip back and I'm headed into work, it's been so good that I don't even need to watch over her at the house. Her Mom has been here with her helping her. Friendly, conversational, pleasant. I had a twinge at one point of asking ex how she was doing (probably if I went full codie I'd have asked, how are you doing with your drinking?). I did not engage.
Anyway, that's about it for now. The journey becomes mine after this. It took a while for her to finally remove the physical things and let go of her ties to this house, and as well, to me. In the brief interactions she seems to be doing well for herself. Learning a lot of responsibilities of running her own home, keeping it clean, landscaping organized, paying all the bills, etc. She even cuts her own grass (hadn't cut ours once in 10 years). So, this is good for her -- Like a lot of folks say, these codependent relationships can actually hurt the addicts as much as the alcohol does. By enabling her to live a live free of the burden of pretty much everything, there was nothing to worry about except for when the next drinking day was going to be. She has had to step up and become accountable with a lot more on her plate now.
I will be in no contact as I am nowhere near strong enough to want to remain friends, see her or the dog, not out of love, but because it hurts too much to see them. I also realize it would hurt me to see her with someone else and as much as I wish it would not, the love I have for her still is there to the point where her with another guy would hurt me. So I choose to detach from that.
I have a lot of thoughts swirling, may be back with more, but for now, wanted to post where my head was at in the moment.
She still has house keys and a couple items borrowed to drop back off, so we are not at 100%, but we got to 98% today.
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